Oh please, for the love of God, can somebody feed him to a starving lion??

I've just found this interview on Crapinfo's "Page 2" section from June (and thanks to Purna for introducing me to Page 2 - I didn't even know it existed until a few weeks ago).

Some answers make me want to throw my hampster at a wall with great force and dexterity:

Have you ever tested your IQ?
I got it tested at school. It'd probably be in the high 150s.

Others just show his high level of moronic-ness (new word, copyright me):

What kind of batsman is most difficult to bowl to?
Unpredictable players, because you don't know what they are gonna do next.

Well done there, Gray.
Tosser.

It's obviously pre-Ashes and 6-1 arse kicking 2009 (that's what I'm calling the ODI series in England now, btw), so I thought - to update - I would add a few questions of my own.

1.When you imitated Brett Lee, did you intend to be an offensive git?  

Yes, I hate all Australians  - the Ashes is rightfully theirs (due to England being a crap side) so I wanted to offend them all by making fun of Brett Lee. Also, Brett Lee is more musically talented than me and I hate that.

2.Are you aware that, regardless of the fact that most of his own countrymen are at a loss as to why he is in the Australian side, Nathan Hauritz is a much better bowler than you? 

I am aware of that. Nathan is a superb bowler, despite his moobs, and I can only dream of having the guts to imitate him the way I did Brett Lee. Hauritz frightens me and is going to beat me up one day.

3.Is the England side feeling the pressure going into the series against South Africa, in light of the fact that the Saffers know how to play cricket and you don't?  

We are really shaking in our boots about this series, partly because we know we are rubbish and totally fluked the Ashes win but mostly because we know there are some hungry lions in a basement somewhere in South Africa that Little Andy and I will be fed to.


4.Is it true that you recently flew to Sydney and begged the McGrath Foundation to let you be in the Men of Cricket calendar because you think you are hot?  

Yes, that is true. With the inclusion of Brett Geeves, Nathan Hauritz and Jimmy Hopes it seemed to me that the McGrath Foundation was going for a moob and beer belly look this year. Glenn said that I could not be in it, but that next year they are considering doing a "Gits of Cricket" calendar instead and that I can be on as many of the months that I like. So that's nice.

5. Finally, are you aware that you top the so-called "smack" list on a cricket blog called "Thoughts from the Dustbin"?  

As it happens I do. I have met Sid (the author) a couple of times and have begged her to stop because it makes me cry a lot. I even went to the extent of drugging her champagne one night in a Nottingham bar, but all she did was gain enormous upper body strength and bodyslam me against a wall. Then she beat me in an arm wrestle and that made me cry again. I'd block her on Twitter, but she might send her lap dog Nathan Hauritz after me.

So there you have it. Swann reveals all. Was I right about him, or what?