EXCLUSIVE! The Inaugural Meeting of CRATRO (The Committee to Return the Ashes to Their Rightful Owner)

On the night of November 17th 2009, in a seedy bar in downtown Johannesburg, four men sat huddled quietly over a dirty table in an ill-lit booth. The world was not yet to know it, but these men were forming a secret committee with an important mission.

Sometime near midnight, the four men - later revealed as Ricky Ponting, M.S. Dhoni, Graeme Smith and Chris Gayle (Younis Khan was originally invited and he was coming, but then he wasn't, and then he was and then he wasn't again ... so the committee is now looking for a replacement) - left the bar and headed to a hotel in the Sandton area of the city.

Here, dressed all in black and with faces covered, they broke into a room and abducted a man wearing red, satin vodafone pyjamas. Witnesses to the incident cannot name the abductee, but report that he had a gap in his front teeth and spoke with a watered down South African accent.

The prisoner was taken to an abandoned warehouse and tied to a chair. After a series of barbaric tortures - rumoured to include forcing him to watch video clips of Big AB abusing random England cricketers and making him listen to Graeme Swann sing until he cried (surely there's something in the Geneva Convention we can refer to for heaven's sake!?) - the prisoner apparently agreed to the following things:

• That these people WILL be on the Ashes tour to Australia next year: Stuart Broad (because Australian fans love taunting her); Steve Harmison (because he is rubbish on tour) and; Graeme Swann (because he is rubbish) (and Brett Lee wants to "chat" with him).
• That in his press conference, the night before the first test at the GABBA, he will state publicly that England were very very lucky to win the 2009 Ashes; that is was not that they were good but that Australia made some stupid selection decisions that denied us the win at the Oval.
  
• He will also state publicly that Graeme Swann is a twat and that, despite his moobs and his nerves being one (only one) of the reasons we could not take the win at Cardiff in July, Nathan Hauritz is a far superior bowler.
• He will not invoke the "K" word.
• Finally, he agreed that on his arrival in Australia next year he will:
•  kidnap Andrew Hilditch to prevent any more stupid decisions (and drop him quietly in a soundproof garage in Highgate Hill, into which he will disappear and never be heard from again)
• Have Ricky Ponting masks made up and insist the Barmy Army wear them at all times (not just at matches)
• Have no injured players in his side so that Australia can beat the best side available (which will inevitably still be crap).

As the sun rose on a soggy Johannesburg morning the hostage, still tormented from his ordeal, was returned to his hotel room and will today - hopefully - lead his side in an embarrassing arse-kicking by the Saffers.

Although Bumble Lloyd tells me the weather is rubbish and the likelihood of any play is pretty near zilch.

I vote we give the win to South Africa on the grounds that they are not England. Any complaints?