A short interview with Ricky Ponting

When the match ended yesterday, I called My Lord to congratulate him and have our usual after-match phone quickie; while I had him there I got him to hand the phone over to Punter for a quick interview. Being a big fan of the blog, he naturally knew exactly who I was. This is the interview (which works better in print because you don't have to hear Punter grunting as he scratches himself after every other sentence):


Sid: Ricky, congratulations on the win today, you must be pleased.
Ricky: Yeah, I am Sid. I'm still a bit pissed at these useless bastards for losing the Ashes; especially since it was me that had to hand it over to that moron Strauss, so it's about time this lot got their act together.

S: Interesting declaration there in the first innings, were you confident 454 was going to be enough?
R: Yeah, I was. The Stani's aren't that good, are they? We might be so shit that we lost to England, but we're still better than the Stani's any day.

S: You've said this marked a change in policy for you and the team; the "know when to declare policy" because, and I quote, you "recognise the limitations of your team". Why has it taken you so long to work this out? The rest of Australia got this after the Cardiff test ... are you an idiot or something?
R: Well I am small and of little brain, Sid. I can lift heavy things and I can run real fast, but other stuff can take a while to sink in.

S: Fair enough; now how about Shane Watson and that century?
R: Well, he's damn lucky he got it to be honest. After that fuck up on day 1, he was told he had to make good in the 2nd innings or we'd let Simon beat him up with a icy cucumber. I'm only sorry Simon didn't go on to get a century after Watto was given out.

S: How are things between Simon and Shane after Saturday's event?
R: Not good, as you can imagine. I believe they've kept the arguing to a few nasty emails while the match was on, but now that it's all over I reckon they'll get in each other's face a bit more. I'll let them yell for a bit before I step in all captain-like and calm them down. Because that's what I do, you know? I'm the captain. Frankly, I think Watto deserves more than a few harsh words from Simon (and the rest of the boys are in the mood for some mud wrestling) but I promised Watto if he got a century 2nd time around I would protect him.

S: You seemed geniunely pleased for Hauritz today, even though we all know you've had problems with him in the past.
R: Well, Nathan is a little weed, isn't he? He's not easy to like and during the Ashes tour he kept pestering me to play cards with him and go golfing with him ... he was bloody annoying; and now we'll have to put up with him gloating all night, after only half a beer no doubt because he can't hold his piss; it's quite un-Australian, actually.

S: We know you have a public face to put on, but was Hauritz quietly held responsible for the failure at Cardiff?
R: Fucking A, he was. Useless bastard. The win was handed to him on a silver platter and he just couldn't take it. He couldn't bowl a couple of useless English tailenders and people still ask why we didn't use him at the Oval.

S: How about Johnson today as well, he's bowled really well this match but what's up with his hair?
R: The truth is, Sid, that we wouldn't let him have it cut because if he hadn't bowled well Pup and I would have shaved it off. I know it's a cruel and unusual punishment, but it works well with these vain types; did Ritzy good, didn't it? Mitchy's hair is getting a bit OTT now, though. If he doesn't have it cut between now and Sydney, we will shave it off regardless.

S: Can you send me a lock of it to sell on ebay?
R: I'd do that I if I could, but I'm afraid Mitchy's mum keeps an album of his locks of hair and confiscates all the trimmings every time he gets a cut. They're that close, him and his mum.

S: And finally, what's your response to PM Rudd declaring that Warney must come out of retirement?
R: That's just Mr Rudd mistaking us all for people who give a shit what he thinks, isn't it? But on Warney coming out of retirement; well, as you and I have established, I am so stupid I've only just realised my current bowlers are not up to Warney's level so it hasn't really crossed my mind before. I doubt it will happen. Warney is fatter than ever now and prefers poker to cricket because he can eat his pies while playing that game. He's a good bloke, though, Warney and fun to have around ... much better than that chunk of wood Watson and much better looking than Siddle; and at least he didn't need me to hold his hand all the time like Ritzy does. But no, Rudd doesn't know what he's on about, as usual.

S: Thanks, Ricky. Can you put Nathan back on? we're going to have more phone sex.
R: Seriously? Mine's bigger than his, you know? I might be little, but I'm mighty if you know what I mean ... ?

S: That's dynamite, Rick. Now can I talk to someone with a normal sized ego, please?
R: OK. Here's Mitchy. No wait, he's an arrogant bastard as well. Oh very well, speak to Weedy ... I mean, Ritzy ... sorry.