EXCLUSIVE! The 2011 Men of Cricket calendar revealed ...

You have no doubt heard (from me most likely) of the Men of Cricket Calendar. If not, it's a calendar of - surprise, surprise - men of cricket sold for the benefit of the McGrath Foundation (a charity set up by Glenn McGrath and his wife when she was diagnosed with breast cancer).

The first of these calendars was the 2009 one, which featured semi-naked and very sexy players; 2010's edition has just recently ben released and shows an array of moobs and pot bellies (and Whinging Mitchy trying to look hard on a motorbike)(no one is fooled).

Plans for the 2011 calendar are already underway.  The theme was supposed to be kept under wraps until September 2010, but since Graeme Swann was unable to keep his fat trap shut the McGrath Foundation has given me exclusive rights to reveal the first draft of its content. It is slightly different in that it was felt some "models" were extremely qualified and so were shown on more than one month.  And here it is:

The Gits of Cricket Calendar 2011

January:

Andrew Strauss doing his "how on earth did we manage to fluke the Ashes?" face.

February:

Flintoff apparently insisted on this pose, despite protestations from all present. The photographer is now blind and is suing Fred for loss of earnings.

March:

Graeme Swann was asked to imitate his hero for this shot. Obviously, he went for Nathan Hauritz

April:

Mitchell Johnson was asked to pretend he was watching Shane Watson bowling for this shot.

May:

Rudi Koertzen in his classic "I can't umpire for crap" pose. There's a reason it's a classic.

June:

Ryan Sidebottom doing his "tramp recently pulled out of dumpster" look.

July:

Imagine Brett Lee just bowled yet another "no-ball" Rick ... there it is, perfect shot!

August:

You have a high IQ, don't you, Graeme? Let's show people just how high by advertising your favourite reading material.

September:

Andrew Strauss - to help him get in the mood, the photographer said "imagine Nathan hauritz just bowled you again." It worked a treat.

October:

Dhoni was asked to come dressed as Mitchell Johnson, but he thought they said Don Johnson ... check out the Miami Vice stylings!

November:

The phote for this month has not yet been taken, but will show Andrew Hilditch being attacked by a rabid monkey on a leash.

December

Also not yet taken, but will be another shot of Graeme Swann - this time being choked by Brett Lee with a guitar string.

Available in stores from September 2010 - pre-order yours now at www.andrewstraussisawanker.com

Ponting and the lads make Dhoni eat his words.

Yes, I know that title suggests that we won, when actually we didn't.

But they didn't wipe the floor with us this time.

I didn't see it, I can't comment on the game the way I uaually do, but I do know that we had a decent chance of winning right up until near the end.

And Dhoni, whose comment mentioned in the previous post suggested they would continue to wipe the floor with us because (and only because, I hasten to add) our huge list of injuries, can take those words and ... place them somewhere rather less than comfy.

How Mahendra Singh Dhoni joined Swanny and Little Andy on my list of cricketers who need to be smacked

It happened because of this:

When Indian captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni was told about the incident, he quipped: “One day of practice would not make much of a difference."

Tough words against a team that would boot your arse from here to next Tuesday if they weren't knocked right down with injuries. And how did you go in the Champion's Trophy? You know, the one that WE JUST WON? That's right ... didn't even make it past the group stages, did you?

Kick us while we're down at your own risk, Dhoni. When we're back on form, we are coming for your and yours sonny.

In the meantime, I will have Big Dougie B smack you around the ears with a hot battered banana. Might as well use him for something while he's in India.

Ponting makes that face you all love again!

The Australian side turned up to train this morning at the Feroz Shah Kotla only to find the ground curator - who claimed he did not know they were coming (uh, huh!) - had watered the practice pitches, rendering them completely unusable. This tour of India is already blighted by bad luck in the injury department, and in us just being damned ordinary, so this was really something we could have done without especially as this is the only training day we had before this next match.

What I think is funniest, though, is Ponting - who made on of those faces that everybody loves (even Australians truth be told, although we do occasionally cringe at it):

But better than this was his double sided reaction. Seemingly on his best captainly behaviour, in the article at crapinfo he is reported as saying:

To turn up here and find the wickets completely unusable is disappointing.

... and a veiled accusation (which will be echoed throughout Australia, no doubt):

I am sure by the time the Indian team comes down here, the wickets will be fine. So it's a bit of a disadvantage for us.

His status on facebook, on the other hand, says:

Huge stuff up with our training this morning. Everyone knew we were training at 9am except the ground curator who had the practice wickets under water!

There's the real Ricky we all know and love! Give us that face again, Rick!

There you go ...

 

The plot thickens ...

Oh yeah, Sunshine Paine has a broken finger ... or has he? Cricket Australia has obviously decided to send Paine home to separate him and Brett Lee.

Even Crapinfo has "Tim Paine appears to be in discomfort" as the caption for this photo, so they're suspicious as well.

Sadly, I didn't get to chat on the phone with my Nathan last night - as he and his team mates were busy having Tim Nielsen smack them around the head with battered savaloys  - but I'm sure he'd back up my theory.

And then it was one apiece

And so our boys went out to bat and they were proud, my friends, and they were tough. Yet the Indians, too, were proud and and strong and lo, but they did wipe the floor with us.

bugger.

Oh good god - we're going to need everything we have to get through this one.

ODI # 2 part 1:

Ponting did something miraculous and won his second toss in a row and opted to bowl. I'm not sure it was the best decision but there was something about dew and having to bowl with a soggy ball later on.

Tendulkar was wheeled out in his chair and was easy to get rid of, but Sehwag gave us a good run before finally FINALLY going for 40. Thank god someone slapped Mitchy this morning and told him to stop whining and get out there and bowl.

Sadly, there was little stopping the Indians today. My Nathan was constantly frustrated, although he did bowl well again, and there was that great stumping off a direct hit from him.

Siddle was also impressive, but you knew Ponting was desperate when, as the Indians passed 300, he handed Watson the ball ... and he got smacked all over the shop, of course, but I think Ponting was all out of ideas and his better bowlers out of overs.

Well, I can't say too much more (mostly because I've been watching from behind my hands all morning and contemplating a few "medicinal" swigs of vodka) but I will say that the Indian batsmen were on fire. I don't think our bowlers bowled badly, the fielding had a few iffy moments but no one can take credit away from the batsmen - they were absolutely fantastic and the captain did what captains should do and led from the front to rack up a magnificent 124.

I just pray that our captain can do the same. We're going to need it. We're chasing 355 to win.

Surely the worst insult since Geoff Boycott claimed Nathan Hauritz coudn't bowl out his grandmother?

Patrick Swayze must be turning in his grave:

These two are nothing whatsoever alike.

Swayze was a much better bowler ...

BRETT LEE IS NOT INJURED - you heard it here first.

During my nightly chat with Lord NMH last night, we began talking about the extraordinary list of injuries the Australian team has recently been hit by, and he hit me with a little news flash ...

Apparently, Brett Lee is not injured but is, in fact, hiding out in fear that news of his relationship with Tim Paine will leak to the press. The two have been seeing each other quietly for some time, but Tim broke their secrecy pact by blatantly fondling Lee during a wicket celebration in Sunday's ODI against India:

Cricket Australia has demanded an immediate explanation from Indian Cricket and some clarification of the so-called "sex dossier", which is believed to have encouraged the pair to take their "friendship" to the next level.

Peter Siddle, as is clear in this photo, is quite disgusted by the whole affair, but Nathan believes this is only because Siddle had attempted a relationship with Lee himself and was rebutted with extreme prejudice (well, he does have a face only a mother could love).

Lee will sit out the next match, the press having been given a thin cover story about his elbow strain, because it is feared Tim Paine will be unable to keep his hands to himself should Lee take wickets and a celebration ensue. Paine will continue to play but only because our other wicket keepers are either injured or rubbish (or Victorian).

It is believed the pair will be admonished by Tim Nielsen after tomorrow's match, but whether Lee will be allowed to play again this series is uncertain.

In a minor sidenote, Nathan asked me to remind you all that he is invincible.

An injury list so long Cricket Australia have finally had to bite the bullet and try to pronounce the name "Moises"

And so the injury list continues to grow:

Nathan Bracken - sore knee
Callum Ferguson - sore knee
Brett Lee - a twinge in the elbow
Shane Watson - full tosser
Mitchy Johnson - girly whiner
Nathan Hauritz - took three wickets with a dislocated finger
Chris Rogers - made a double century against his own country and will be punished for it forever more
Jimmy Hopes - hamstring
Michael Clarke - modelling commitments sore back
Brad Haddin - Victorian sore finger (Ritzy ought to slap him around) and weak stomach
Andrew McDonald - ginger

Where will it end?

Even as I write this, Henriques is being rushed over from Australia like a kidney on ice and I'm hoping big Dougie B will get a look in in place of Brett Lee. And where's Stuart Clark? It's a good thing my Nathan is invincible. Who would they call on in his place?

The return of the ginger one (and a bit of a whinge from him, to be honest)

I'm removing Chris Rogers from the smack list because I believe he is now back in Melbourne and can therefore be forgiven for not replying to my letter (maybe if I'd organised a stamped envelope ...?).

Anyhow, it looks like Ginger Rogers is hoping to get some action during the upcoming West Indies tour of Australia, according to this article at crapinfo. It's not completely out of the question, I guess, since Watson is probably going to get attacked the moment he gets back to Australia (and Phil Hughes hasn't gotten a note from his mum to allow him to be off school for the tests), there might be a place for him to open with Katich.

Note, though, that he also has a little whinge about not being called up during the Ashes tour when Phil Hughes was dropped. The article states:

When the selectors decided to drop Phillip Hughes ahead of the Birmingham Test, Watson was the only realistic replacement option within the squad. However, Rogers was stationed a mere 60 kilometres away in Derby and was in the middle of another blockbuster county season ...

As it happens, so was I - only 60km down the road in Derby, that is, and not happy that I couldn't make it to Edgbaston, so don't remind me. It's probably a good thing, Australia always does badly in tests when I watch. They wouldn't have pulled back that draw if I had gone. Lords and the Oval were entirely my fault because I went downstairs to make a cup of coffee and saw 2 seconds of the match.


Actually, I was also in the middle of another blockbuster county season - watching Lancashire do well in the T20 cup and almost, but not quite, making it to finals day. Again. There was that great day at Derbyshire when Flintoff was finally fit and back in action for the Lancys - he smacked the Derbyshire lads all over the park. I was cheering and whooping with the other 5 Lancashire fans.

Boy, did I ever come to regret that.

Admit it - you all secretly love Nathan Hauritz! You know you do ...

From what I can make out, 2009 has gone something like this for Nathan Hauritz:

In South Africa in April

On to Pakistan in May


Over to England - which is what I remember in most detail. He played:

• every tour match through the entire summer
  
• every match of the T20 world cup (which, to be fair, wasn't many for Australia)
• the first three Ashes tests
• he did not play in the final 2 Ashes tests (to our detriment) but he did not know this until the morning of each of the tests, so he trained continually with the team just in case he was called upon
  
• he played all 7 ODIs
• he would have played in both of the abandoned T20 matched in Manchester

He went on to South Africa, where he played in every one of Australia's Champion's trophy matches - right through to the final

He went on to India where he played in every one of NSW's CLT20 matches - right through to the final

After said final, he arrived back at his hotel room after 1am in the morning and left again before 7 to join the national side in Vadodara with only 12 hours to rest before the toss

He has had no time off at all that I can see since April

And what's more - his bowling has improved as he has gone along

Is he crying over a sore elbow? no
Has he hurt his hamstring? no
Has he hurt his knee? no
Has he been injured at all? well, Little Andy tried at Lords but M'Lord NMH just bounced right back.
Is he a big crying girl like Mitchy? definitely not.

Now, either all of his muscles and one or two of his joints will implode sometime over the next two weeks or - and this is far more likely - you will all finally agree with me that Nathan Hauritz is infallibe, invincible and truly a God (albeit with moobs).

Graeme Swann certainly thinks so - he said as much in that interview I did with him.

And then you will get on your knees chanting "Sid was right, Sid was right" over and over.

ok?

How shameful that my 100th post is about Peter Siddle ...

Let me wind you back a day to Sunday 25th October 2009 ...

Setting: Vadodara
Time: 2nd last over of the first ODI - India vs. Australia

Somebody felt sorry for Watto and gave him the ball, he bowls a terrible one to Harbajan Singh and it gets smacked out of the park. Not good. Strategy? Bowl another 5 balls exactly the same, of course. Well, yes, unless you're a bowler who can ... you know ... bowl.

So now it's the last over. India have been hitting big and it is possible for them to win it from here. It's even a tiny bit likely.

And Ponting calls up Peter Siddle.

Now let's be fair: this is a terrifying moment for Sids. He knows that in a country in the far antipodes every single person has just gotten to their feet and simultaneously shouted "WHY THE #?!%# IS BRETT LEE NOT BOWLING?" at their televisions sets; he knows, too, that children in small towns across the country are beginning to make Ricky Ponting effigies to burn ceremoniously at the stake should he, Siddle, cock up here - or possibly they're just dragging out the effigies they didn't get around to burning after the Oval test in August, I don't know (personally, I always have a half dozen or so in my back room just in case, because you never know the desire to burn an effigy of Punter will pop up, right?).

But Sids gave us the goods in the end. Even he was surpirsed (or maybe that's just his face, he is pretty damn unattractive). Turns out Brett Lee was a little bit sore of elbow and chose not to risk serious injury.

So Punter survives yet again. We can all put our effigies away and bring them out another day - maybe Christmas, when the family is all gathered together. It's wholesome fun for all ages.

I have grey hairs and no fingernails.

So, I woke up to discover that Ponting had actually won a toss and the boys had racked up a whoppingly good total of 292. Against any side other than India, I would have rested easily knowing this.

I immediately turned the box on to watch India bat. It was odd seeing the canary yellow again after what seems like months and it probably would have burnt my retinas if I hadn't recently been watching the gold-chain-bling of the Trin and Tobag 20/20 side.

Two wickets went relatively early, and they were important ones, but then the Indians settled a little too well for me. My Lord NMH was bowling superbly, but just couldn't get any agreement from the ump on those LBW calls.

Eventually he did and that was all part of a lovely little batting collapse and I settled down to happily watch us win. Now, who the hell does Singh think he is? A good bowler, but they assured me he was not much chop with the bat ... they were wrong.

Australia only managed to win by 4 runs in the end. Singh could read Hauritz perfectly and smacked him about the park, Shane Watson collapsed under pressure, but Siddle - who had been fairly ordinary earlier in the innings - came through for us in a high pressure final over. 

My god it's going to be a long, looooong 7 matches and I'm not sure my heart can take it.

Oh please, for the love of God, can somebody feed him to a starving lion??

I've just found this interview on Crapinfo's "Page 2" section from June (and thanks to Purna for introducing me to Page 2 - I didn't even know it existed until a few weeks ago).

Some answers make me want to throw my hampster at a wall with great force and dexterity:

Have you ever tested your IQ?
I got it tested at school. It'd probably be in the high 150s.

Others just show his high level of moronic-ness (new word, copyright me):

What kind of batsman is most difficult to bowl to?
Unpredictable players, because you don't know what they are gonna do next.

Well done there, Gray.
Tosser.

It's obviously pre-Ashes and 6-1 arse kicking 2009 (that's what I'm calling the ODI series in England now, btw), so I thought - to update - I would add a few questions of my own.

1.When you imitated Brett Lee, did you intend to be an offensive git?  

Yes, I hate all Australians  - the Ashes is rightfully theirs (due to England being a crap side) so I wanted to offend them all by making fun of Brett Lee. Also, Brett Lee is more musically talented than me and I hate that.

2.Are you aware that, regardless of the fact that most of his own countrymen are at a loss as to why he is in the Australian side, Nathan Hauritz is a much better bowler than you? 

I am aware of that. Nathan is a superb bowler, despite his moobs, and I can only dream of having the guts to imitate him the way I did Brett Lee. Hauritz frightens me and is going to beat me up one day.

3.Is the England side feeling the pressure going into the series against South Africa, in light of the fact that the Saffers know how to play cricket and you don't?  

We are really shaking in our boots about this series, partly because we know we are rubbish and totally fluked the Ashes win but mostly because we know there are some hungry lions in a basement somewhere in South Africa that Little Andy and I will be fed to.


4.Is it true that you recently flew to Sydney and begged the McGrath Foundation to let you be in the Men of Cricket calendar because you think you are hot?  

Yes, that is true. With the inclusion of Brett Geeves, Nathan Hauritz and Jimmy Hopes it seemed to me that the McGrath Foundation was going for a moob and beer belly look this year. Glenn said that I could not be in it, but that next year they are considering doing a "Gits of Cricket" calendar instead and that I can be on as many of the months that I like. So that's nice.

5. Finally, are you aware that you top the so-called "smack" list on a cricket blog called "Thoughts from the Dustbin"?  

As it happens I do. I have met Sid (the author) a couple of times and have begged her to stop because it makes me cry a lot. I even went to the extent of drugging her champagne one night in a Nottingham bar, but all she did was gain enormous upper body strength and bodyslam me against a wall. Then she beat me in an arm wrestle and that made me cry again. I'd block her on Twitter, but she might send her lap dog Nathan Hauritz after me.

So there you have it. Swann reveals all. Was I right about him, or what?

Historic win ... yada yada yada ...

And so NSW defied most predictions (not to mention Purna's most callous attempt at sabotage) and won the first ever T20 Champion's League. Brett Lee kicking butt, man of the match, man of the series and all that. I'm so excited, my cat is jumping about the room.

Yes, yes ... most importantly, it means we can get on with the international fixtures that we have all been wasting time waiting for.

The other 2 Aussies arrived in India a few days back and will be joined by what must be a bloody exhausted group of NSW players to get ready for the first ODI on Sunday.

We are bound to get bored by the time 5 of the 7 ODIs have been played, but it's better than having to watch Victoria play again.

Also, the England side pop home to visit their parents in South Africa any day now. They figured they ought to play a bit of cricket while they're there because the Saffers can use a win. Incidentally, if the English don't get an absolute arse kicking in South Africa Purna and Mary Jane can expect a few hoax phone calls from me.

Bring on Sunday. Can we make it 7-0 against India? I doubt it, but it should be a good series.

Up until about ODI 5, that is.

Moving right up the "Smack" list ...

I'm not completely convinced I want to know, but can someone have a wee bash at telling me just exactly what the hell is going on here:

The "Smack" list again (no new members) (yet)

I still think he's illiterate.


Chris Rogers didn't respond to my letter and is therefore almost as evil as Andrew Strauss

Did you people doubt my word?

Katich certainly knows how to play to his team's strengths - and love him or hate him as you will, Hauritz has been a strength throughout this series. Simon wants early wickets, so he bowls Hauritz early and, sure enough, Australia's #1 spinner took 2 wickets in his first over.

Lee quickly took another one end before they knew it the Vics were 6 - 3.

I'm not going to go on because I am sure you all saw it or heard about it or whatever, but as I write this bit the Vics need 102 runs from 23 balls.

You know how some people say "I'm not one to say I told you so"? Yeah, well that ain't me.

Told you so.

The Blues on a mission

Katich won the toss and opted to bat - good decision. The NSW blues went out on an evident mission to get a big total against probably their biggest rivals in state cricket.

They lost 7 wickets, but that only goes to show their mindset, I think - hit it big! A lot of chances were taken in that vein, runs were stolen all over the place and I think Mr Leg-bye made a decent total out there.

I don't think Lee and Hauritz get to bat very much in T20 generally, but there they were, the two bowlers finishing up the innings for the Blues. They only faced a few balls each but helped their side along to 169.

One of the Blues strongest attributes throughout this series, I think, has been their fielding - it has been really good (and not just Warner's great save). Today, the Vics showed that theirs just ain't up to scratch.

Now - can the Vics make 170?

In short: I'll be very surprised if they do. NSW have a world class bowling attack and I think that will make all the difference here. Big hitting captain Cam White will not be enough to see the Bushrangers through.

Here ye, here ye - I am talking about cricket again!

Did anyone catch this the other day? Fantastic piece of fielding from David Warner:




So tomorrow we hit the first of the semi-finals of the first ever Champions' League T20 and I can't help but be interested in seeing the two Aussie states play each other, even if neither of them are my state.

With the exception of a few rough and tumble Victorians (and who cares what they think?), I suspect most people will agree with me that Katich's NSW is the stronger of the two sides. It probably has something to do with the fact that the Blues consists of quite a few of the Australian players - including Simon Katich, Brett Lee, Phil Hughes, Stuart Clark and Nathan Hauritz (who people seem quite happy to now refer to as "Australia's number 1 spinner" - that makes a nice change).

The Victorians have Cam White and some guy with obscenely red hair. Frankly, I think the Vics were lucky to make it past the first round.

Should be a good match. Glad I'm off work for it.

Nothing whatsoever to do with cricket, avoid like the plague!

Why did the McGrath foundation listen to me? Clearly my influence is exceptional, but I secretly liked being the only Nathan Hauritz fan in town.

Now I have to share him with the rest of Australia, at least:



bollocks.

The day I betrayed the Baggy Green

On this day, 8 long years ago, I betrayed my people.

It was a long decision process, but in the end it had to be done.

I married a England cricket supporter.

Oh, the horror.

In those eight years, we have enjoyed watching Lancashire together; we have spent many hours sitting at the Derbyshire cricket ground waiting for the rain to stop; we saw India beat England at Headingly; we saw the Saffers beat England at Headingley; In both cases I cheered, he sulked. He got grumpy when I woke him as I got outof bed at an ungodly winter hour to watch Ashes tests in Australia, but held my hand as I cried when Steve Waugh walked off at the SCG after his last test innings.

But most importantly, I am still ahead in the Ashes count:

England: 2 (2005, 2009)
Ausralia: 3 (2001, 2003, 2007)

I'm counting 2001 for a couple of reasons: we were living together when we won in 2001; it was only over by weeks when we got married and; it's my blog I can do whatever I want.

2011 will make it 4.

The only Nathan Hauritz fan in town

Some of you may remember my minor ode to Nathan Hauritz's birthday roughly ten days ago. Well, the truth is I have no idea when his birthday is because Crapinfo have it as October 18th and Cricket Australia have it listed as October 8th.

So, as his only fan (except maybe his wife, but even that's a bit iffy), I have decided to celebrate both dates. Here are some of the things I plan to do for the big man's [2nd] 28th birthday:

1. Coerce to NSW to give him the day off - for the love of god, the man has been playing almost non-stop since May, let him have a rest on his [possible] birthday.

2. send him a birthday card allegedly from Little Andy Strauss that says "You are my arch nemesis, I am terrified of you".


3. Send him a signed photo of Geoffrey Boycott's gran with a note, allegedly from her, saying: "My little Geoffrey was wrong, you could bowl me out, you just choose not to".

4. Drink lots of wine and make mystery phone calls to his wife in Sydney.

5. Watch NSW kick Somerset's arse, all the time wishing I hadn't coerced them to give Hauritz the day off.

The day Brett Lee got his gear off (I wanted NMH's skinny little body on there, but would they listen??)

On Monday the 19th, the 2010 Men of Cricket calendar is released (for the benefit of the McGrath Foundation if you didn't know) and I am still trying to work out how I am going to get one.

In preparation for this, the Cricket Australia fan page on Facebook has been posting parts of photos and asking fans to guess who each one is. Most of them have caused a bit of discussion about who it may or may not be, which was the idea - create a buzz, get some chat going, get us excited about its release etc etc

And then they posted this one...


...and a pile of women fans got right on and commented, with no hesitation: "this is Brett Lee" "that's definnitely Brett Lee" and so on.

Other photos showed parts of mouths, eyes, profiles and people weren't 100% sure - but a lot of women seem to be able to recognise Brett Lee just by his naked torso!!

How Chris Rogers joined Graeme Swann and Little Andy S on the list of cricketers who deserve to be smacked

Dear Mr Rogers,

As you may recall, a couple of weeks ago now I sent you a letter to which you opted not to reply. I am certain you are not in either Australia or India and therefore think you are a tosser for refusing to write back.

In order to adequately punish you, I have decided to write the following in my newsletter and post this to you also:

Chris Rogers, the captain of the Derbyshire CCC, is a frequent visitor to Derby City libraries but usually only so that he can stare with a stunned expression at the flashing lights on our scanners. On the odd occasion he does borrow a book, it will be something from the "Where's Wally" selection and he generally needs help with it. This is something his grandmother is able to do for him, but only after she has spoonfed him some mushy peas and changed his nappy.

Sadly, our newsletter is new and currently has a readership of 6 so there is not much for you worry about.

Yet ...

P.S. you are ginger.



I am so excited about Sunday's match between the Blues and Somerset (Katich vs. Langer - a West Aussie epic!) that I am bored bored bored waiting for it to get here ... plus I'm at work and actually working is just out of the question.

The Windies are coming to town ... probably

It looks like the West Indian cricket have almost sorted out their dispute with their players and a full strength should be touring Australia in November.


Time to become an insomniac

I'm dead pleased. Not for the West Indian cricketers, but for myself. I'm going crazy without decent cricket to watch for a couple of weeks now - how was I going to cope for a 3 and a half months?

I'm sure you're all chuffed for me.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Nope - it's a SUPER OVER!

The strangest thing happened today. The Eagles looked a stronger side than Sussex by miles. On Twitter, we mocked Sussex for their small total. Someone said "the large boned lady is doing her voice exercises for Sussex". And then The Eagles decided they felt sorry for Sussex and refused to top their paltry 119.

Either that or they suddenly remembered they are crap.

Now in the English county league they do an idiotic thing called a "bowl off" in the event of a tie. I've only seen it once. It was not exciting at all and relied only on bowling skill, not batting. Frankly, it's rubbish.

Today I was introduced to the "Super Over" - only the Indians could come up with such a name. It even sounds mysterious and exciting. It seemed like it could get quite complicated, but basically each side gets another over to bat and another over to bowl. The side that has the most runs at the end of the 2 overs wins.

It was interesting. A spectacle. The Eagles took two wickets in their over, while Sussex only took one. That made the Eagles the winners, apparently.

I don't know.

It's all exciting for the spectator, and is infinitely superior the "bowl off" - but it is only the group stage; why can't they just split the points and then look at the run rate?

It worked for those Bloody Victorians.

Champions' League T20 is not as crap as I expected (and I know I will be bored with the 7 ODIs in India after about #4 but bring it on anyway.)

I am enjoying watching the Blues play so well, although I won't be quite so happy when they are playing like that against my beloved Warriors (who, btw, won their first match of the state season on Sunday. It was only QLD though, so I am not getting too excited).

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you the site that has Champions' League highlight videos on it. You have probably all been using it for years, but I've only just found it ok?

Still wish the West Aussies were there

The link takes you straight to the T20 Champions' League page, but there are other series covered on the site as well.

Check out the 3rd video of the Sussex v. NSW match to see Hauritz's stylish back handed stumping. It's right at the beginning.

How Graeme Swann joined Little Andy S on the list of cricketers who deserve to be smacked

Denying the Holocaust insults Jews.

Pointing at a Hindu with the forefinger of the right hand could be considered insulting.

Depicting Mohammed as a suicide bomber is bound to insult Muslims.

Telling an atheist you will pray for him/her will probably cause insult.

Reminding Christians that Jesus was a Jew and probably never actually died on the cross in the first place can be seen as somewhat insulting.

Likewise, imitating our cricketers in order to take the piss out of them WILL cause insult to Australians.



Graeme Swann - I'm hunting you down ...

Could offend ... but I think it's funny

Fun facts to know and tell about some of my favourite cricketers and others (aka wasting time until the India tour starts)

1. The best place to start is, obviously, with Fred "the Demon" Spofforth at the Oval, August 1882. Australia looked like dead certs to lose: England only needed 85 runs to win in their 2nd innings. But Spofforth was having none of it - he took 7/44 and Australia bowled them out for 77 runs. Brilliant, huh?

Eat that W.G. Grace - Our Freddy had a bigger tash than you!

2. Bert Ironmonger was 45 when he made his test debut for Australia. Known for being a good spinner but a rubbish batsman, there's a great story about him that goes something like this:

Always batting at the bottom of the order, as Irongmonger went out to bat (in the 1st innings of the 5th Bodyline test at Sydney, 1933) his wife supposedly telephoned the ground to ask him what he wanted for his tea. Somebody ran to find him, but had to run back and report to Mrs Ironmonger that he had just gone out to bat: "Shall I get him to ring you when he's done?" he said (I'm paraphrasing, of course). Mrs Oldfield's response: "No, no. I'll hold on - he'll be back in a minute."

She was right - Larwood bowled him for 1.

3. I'm not going to go on about Bradman. It's predictable and you probably know it all already. What I will say though is that he played cricket for an Australian team who, until relatively recently, has prided itself on being big drinking and, frankly, he was disappointing. David Boon agreed with me, which is why he drank enough for both of them in his time.

It may be illegal to say this in Australia - so it's good I live in England - but I think The Don was probably a boring old sod: he was a teetotaller who had to be coerced into even having a soft drink to celebrate a match victory. He rarely socialised with his team mates and he really did have bad teeth. Best batsman ever, though, of course. Can't fault him there.

4. Richie Benaud has been in broadcasting so long that people tend to forget he ever played cricket. He was in fact an elite leg spinner, who once took 7/72 in an innings (against India), and Australia didn't lose a single series with him as captain (1958 - 1964). More importantly, if you look back at old photos of him, you'll see that he didn't always have lego man hair.


5. I'm gonna skip way ahead to the glorious Dennis Lillee, the rightful King of Western Australia. Here's a little known fact: all babies born in W.A. are given an A5 sized photo of Dennis Lillee that their parents have to display on the baby's bedroom wall. It is actually illegal to take it down before that child's 5th birthday. God's honest truth.

Lillee made his debut for Western Australia at the age of 20, in the 69 - 70 season, and for Australia in the Ashes series the following year. But, did you know he suffered from back stress which may have ended his career early? What a loss that would have been. The members stand at the WACA would be the Marsh Stand, and that just wouldn't be right. You can't name stands after keepers. Not allowed.

Jrod rules the cricket blogging world ... but then, you knew that didn't you?

While all of Jrod's posts on Cricket with Balls are pretty damn fine (despite the fact that he dislikes my Nathan Hauritz), every now and then there is a stand out gem and this, truly, is one of them:

IPL teams to boycott remaining Champions' League matches


And well done to CWB for hitting the Telegraph's top 20 cricket sites.

News flash, news flash - Ian, you might be right!!

I managed to get into Facebook, finally. Punter's status is this:

Thanks to all of you that have left congratulatory messages over the last few days. Yes, its great to be back as the number one ranked ODI team in the world and personally, I've really enjoyed the last month of games. Time to rest now and get ready for a big ODI series in India later this month. Its going to be a great experience for the boys especially as part our 2011 World Cup preparation.

It does say "a great experience for the boys", so maybe he isn't going to India.

I hope he is, or at least that Pup will be ready for it. We need at least one of those two, I think.

P.S. Ian, glad you like my tags - check the ones for this post :-)

It begins ...

... thanks, Fred. You just go ahead and change the face of cricket completely.

Bravo is out for the money, too

Although, can we blame the West Indian cricketers?

Tomorrow is Nathan Hauritz's birthday but he is still way too young for me to bag and corrupt ... oh, and Champions' League T20 is a bit shite, really

Well, we've a slight break in Aussie cricket - until the first of 7 ODIs in India on 25th October - so it seems many of the lads have gone home for the state cricket season or, in the case of the NSW and Victorian players, to India for the Champion's League 20/20.

I'm not really sure what the point of this is, but I'm sure I would be more interested if I was a Victorian or a New South Welsh man (??) - person (??) A fine display of political correctness gone mad - Psych Babbler, help!!

Since Cricket Australia favour NSW and Vic players in the Aussie side, a lot of the boys we've been watching over the summer will be back in action very soon. The NSW players (Simon Katich, Nathan Hauritz, Brett Lee, Michael Clarke and Brad Haddin - and possibly others I've missed) play their first match on Friday 9th against the Eagles, who I believe are South African.

Nathan Bracken is also in the NSW side, but he needs some surgery, so I'm guessing he won't be playing. I also don't know if Michael Clarke is over his sore back, yet, but I'm sure some disprin will sort that out.

If you care, here is a list of the teams involved:
I'd be more interested if the Warriors were there

Still no news on the teams for the trip to India, though the list can't be far away surely?? I suspect it won't be much different to the team who were just in South Africa, but we'll see.

In the meantime, Mitchy is back in Perth for 12 days before heading off to India (presumably). James Hopes, I know, has been called upon to play for QLD for their first Sheffield Shield match against the West Aussies in Perth (on the 13th October) - I wonder if Mitchy will be playing as well?

The joys of winning a crappy little trophy that no one really cares about and that in no way replaces the Ashes

Getting to comprehensively kick England's butts again (just for good measure)

Getting to see the opposing captain say, through gritted teeth, that he thinks Australia played well and really deserved the win

Getting to see Shane Watson jump around like a 5 year old on christmas morning

Getting to see Nathan Hauritz bowl brilliantly and have the (English) commentators actually describe him as having "bowled brilliantly"

Getting to see Ricky Ponting show his complete arrogance and impatience at the trophy ceremony, even though he won most of the trophies

and, my personal favourite:

Getting to see the lads dressed up in stupid coats that make them look like ice cream vendors from 1982

(notice the absence of the stupid coats in the above photo, which was probably taken 5 minutes after they were given out)

Kiwi soccer at Centurion Park tomorrow - don't miss it!!

May I just say that I was mocked by many when I said, several weeks ago now, that I thought Australia would be in the final of the champions' trophy. It's true I was certian we would playing South Africa (and that we would lose, incidentally) but still ...

I'm not sure we haven't got by on a fair amount of luck, but that's cricket, right? We are the only team from group A who didn't completely flatten the Windies and that in itself might mean we are damn lucky to be in the final.

But in the final we are.

So there.

And to face New Zealand - what a fantastic match that should be. We should win, but New Zealand have been surprisingly good and I wouldn't want the Aussies to go out there tomorrow in a typically Ponting over-confident manner. If they do, they might just get a rude shock.

I will be praying in the morning, just in case.

Unbelievable.

Stunned.

Amazed.

Speechless.

In love with Shane Watson.

Take back all dislike of Ponting.

Exhausted.

Relieved.

Dear Mr Rogers

Today, I had to write a letter to Chris Rogers. It was for work. I wrote letters to other Derbyshire folk as well - John Hurt and Robert Lindsay - but Chris Rogers is the one I am most excited about.

It went a little something like this:

Dear Mr Rogers,

I work for the Derby City library service and am currently putting together our November newsletter. I would like to include a section on well known Derbyshire people and what they like to read.

As the Derbyshire County Cricket captain, I am sure our readers would be interested in hearing about you. Do you use libraries? Do you like to read and, if so, do you have a favourite book or author?

I hope he responds.

The general feeling around the library today was that he will not. Why? Because it is assumed that sporting people are all stupid and possibly illiterate. Why do you think this is? Simon Katich used to come in the library all the time when he lived here, maybe Rogers uses one of our libraries as well?

I for one am praying he proves them all wrong.

I also hope at least one of them responds to me or I will have a huge gap in my newsletter.

I think I'm going to have to put up a poll of what his favourite book might be, though ...

ICC awards

Well I am a wee bit disappointed Hilfy didn't get Emerging player of the Year, but at least it went to an Aussie; not sure I agree with Johnson as Cricketer of the Year, but ok.

I'm still bitter about the Ashes.

I'm very glad Strauss wasn't named Test player of the Year.

Hope we kick their butts tomorrow.