The Punter Files

Hhhmmm ... should I play Hauritz or not? What if I do and he plays well ... that bloody Oval test will come up again ...? Nah, he's not that good. I'll let him play, just to keep his mum happy.

 

Godammit! He's smacking that ball about like ... well, like me ... he might even get a half century here ... shit!

 

Jesus, he's meant to be getting smacked about, not cleaning up the tail end; he's meant to be out in the wilds of the boundary, getting ignored; I'm meant to be happier than this - we're winning; I'm meant to be smiling and cheering; I'm meant to be in colour!

 Oh, there we go ... still not smiling though ... it is only the West Indies and I'm scared of Chris Gayle. He wants to beat me up.

OK, there you are ... a little smile ... only because Hilfy got Player of the Match, not bloody Hauritz.

This is very painful, this smiling business. I think I'll stop now.

Hads is back; Mussey's bowling and Adrian Boris rules!

Sorry for my few days' absence ... I have been preparing for this damn job interview tomorrow (Monday) morning - wish me luck - and also watching my mate's gig, during which there was much free alcohol and after which there was a bit of an all nighter ... I have pretty much been asleep since ...

BUT ... we won the test match. How excited you can get over such a win, I don't know. It's not exactly satisfying beating such a poor side, but there were some high points:

• Good King Nate took the opportunity of a half-arsed bowling attack to make his first ever half century. No doubt there will be comments made to the effect that against any other side he wouldn't have, but I'm having none of it. He's no Mitchy, but he ain't half bad with the bat.
• Mitchy did indeed leave the pies in mummy's handbag and took some nice wickets; although only one in the second innings, it was the final one and nicely ended the match. On that note ...
• Bradley Hads is back baby!! He was really impressive throughout, both as keeper and with bat. Sorry Sunshine.
  
• Sids, whose highest score is actually 35 (against Zimbabwe, perhaps? No probably a rubbish side ... England?), somehow managed to end on 20 not out.
• We got to see Ponting take absolutely no notice of Hauritz when he had cleaned up the tail end of W.I's first innings, just as it looked like Australia might have to bat again.
• Hilfy restored all our faith in him and Watto's strange, new found good bowling form continued. Hilfy was a well deserved Player of the Match, although he fully admitted he was glad not to have had to bat.
  
• Simon the Kat looked strong with the bat to get us started on a nice total and was his usual impressive self in the field. You have to hand it to NSW, they really make their players work on their fielding and, as we saw in the CLT20, it pays off.
• The Good Lord Hauritz took 5 wickets across the match. He told me he would have preferred to take 5 in an innings, but he is saving that little milestone for England.
  
• It was fun to see Chris Gayle get all stubborn about his wicket in the second innings - and even more fun when the review agreed with on-field umpire.
• It was less fun when that happened to Mitchy.
• In a strange turn of events we got to see Mussey take only his 2nd ever test wicket - why was he even bowling? Not that I mind ... 
• Clarke's back seems to be all better, he took a lovely one handed catch off NMH to dismiss Roach for a duck at the end of W.I's first innings.
  

Despite Australia's comprehensive win, no one can deny that the true man of the day was 19 year old Adrian Barath, who fought back hard against the Australians and became the youngest West Indian ever to get a test century.

Aidy your middle name is Boris, it's true, but we think you're a star!

Aus vs W.I. day 2 - an Optician's Nightmare ...

Do my eyes decieve me, or did My Lord NMH get his first ever half century today? Welcome home, son.

It's true he was very nearly out on 5, but a drop is a drop is a drop - that's cricket, baby!

Do my eyes decieve me, or did Mitchy leave the pies at home today? And how about Watto, who bowled 5 overs and took 1 - 14? Yesterday, people were calling for his blood.

Do my eyes decieve me, or was Mitchy NOT OUT?? Both Ian Gould and Mark Benson need to be popping down to the local optician, me thinks, as their eyes obviously decieved them.

I have a theory ... Gould is English ... Benson is English.

It's clearly a conspiracy.

And so it begins ...

... tomorrow, the long awaited test series against the West Indies. It will be Australia's first test since their [ahem] unsuccesful defence of the Ashes earlier this year.

The touring team is relatively inexperienced, with the exception of Chris Gayle (who has returned after his quick trip back to Jamaica because of his mother's heart problems), but I don't imagine Australia will be showing any complacency. We have a lot of pride at stake here - we've proven our strength in the 50 over game three times since August, but we have some ground to make up in the longer format and I think Ponting's men will be determined to play at their absolute best over the next few weeks.

Hopefully you've watched the preview video below (with the scary-arse semi tash ...), which tells you everything you need to know really:

• Clark = Ashes scapegoat
• Bolly = 12th man
• Hauritz = slob who needs a shave (or possibly some donations)
• Clarke = not the only batsman who wears lots of padding in the nets (check the Muss)
  
• Gayle = poor tired and jetlagged sod, but he's usually pretty lazy laid back when it comes to test cricket, so I don't imagine we'll see any difference
• Weather = hot (lots of shorts and scary legs about)
• Ponting = strange little man, but you knew that already
  

Although the video states that Ponting will be wanting to get a look at the Gabba pitch before making any selections, since this video was done he has announced that Bolly will be 12th man and that My Lord NMH will bowl tomorrow at his old home ground. QLD born and bred as he is, I should imagine Hauritz is looking forward to that.

The team will be:

Ricky Ponting (c), Shane Watson, Simon Katich, Michael Hussey, Michael Clarke, Marcus North, Brad Haddin, Michael Johnson, Nathan Hauritz, Peter Siddle, Ben Hilfenhaus.


12th man: Doug Bollinger.


For a better run down, check out Ian's page. He always does a better job than me.

I shall not be rising at midnight tonight to watch, simply because I jinx test matches. When it comes to tests, I only watch other countries. With Australia, I find it safer to dip in and out. They always do bad when I am watching.

Could it be ... Movember?

OK, I tried embedding this but it won't work. So please pop over and have a look and then tell me this:

Do you think Good King Nate has decided to join in Movember, or is he just a lazy-arsed slob who needs a shave?

Maybe he's been doing Movember all along, but this is as much as he's been able to grow?

Clarke parodies Superman ...

... or something. I actually don't have a clue why he is wearing so much padding and why, oh why is he wearing it like that?

Does it reveal Clarke's Superman complex or perhaps we are now finally enlightened on that age old question: "why did Superman always wear his undies on the outside?"

A score for Maidenbowling!

I thought I was right up on the Cricket Australia vids, but I missed this one. I don't know where Leela found this one, but it's bloody brilliant:

Look what I found!

Never trust a Saffer, I say

They just keep on letting me down. All I want is for England to lose everything - is that so much to ask?

I guess it is when England have Collngwood, the man for all seasons (who, despite being ginger and English, I inexplicably adore), and the Saffers can't bowl to save themselves.

Can you get your legs as wide as me, Andy? Huh? Who's the real captain around here?

With a few exceptions, the Saffers batting wasn't fantastic (is anyone else waiting for Boucher to appear on Page 2's "doppelgangers" feature next to Robin Williams?) and I was suprised they made it past 210. They made 250 in the end, which is a competitive total, but when you have only 2 decent bowlers your batsmen need to pile up more than that to get anywhere near a win (for reference see Australia in most of the India v Australia matches in the recent ODI series).

England chased it down with no problem and only lost 3 wickets on the way.

Goddammit.

England bowled well (except Rashid); were exceptional in the field most of the time and the batting ... well, Collingwood (MOTM with 2 wickets for 24 and 105 n.o.) is all you really need to know.

My only highlight was seeing Little Andy drop catches - one of them a dead cert, but I think he was deliberately trying to deny Saji the wicket and dropped it on purpose. I think it's time a got a group of Aussies and Durham dwellers together to rub out Strauss and demand Collers be ODI captain again.

And speaking of captains, I see Mascara Man is still in disgrace for being shite in the T20 the other week.

All is not well.

Shane Warne is NOT a traitor.

I know some of you are probably concerned for my wellbeing after the revelation that Shane Warne's all-star exhibition T20 side will have the "K" word on it rather than Good King Nate the Invincible.

I was initially upset, naturally, but after staking out Warney's house for three days, making obscene phone calls (consisting of a husky voice and references to baby oil, which may have been counterproductive to be honest) and  throwing live turtles into his backyard (he has a deadly phobia of turtles, didn't you know?) the great man finally agreed to talk to me.

You can sleep easily, Warney has not turned traitor on me. It turns out that My Lord NMH arrived back in Sydney from Mumbai a week or so ago, dropped into his bed and hasn't moved since. Warney wanted him on his side but as no one could wake Ritzy up, he was stuck with the "K" word.

Warney assures me he knocked over and over again on NMH's front door, rang his phone almost continuously and even walked up and down the streets of Zetland with 7 loudly barking alsations in the wee small hours in the hope that this would get the man moving, but to no avail.

So it seems that Warney and I are mates again, but we are worried that Good King Nate won't be awake by next Thursday ... will be nice to see him bowl on his home turf again. It might fall to me to throw a small bomb through his window and see if that does the trick.

Don't worry, I'll make sure Hilditch gets the blame for it. Warney has samples of his fingerprints and some stray hairs to plant.

Bracks works on his Big Merve impression

Nathan Bracken is clearly bored.

Or perhaps he has a hormonal disorder a'la Stuart Broad.

Possibly he secretly desires to star in a bad 70s cop show.

Personally, I think he has just been taken by a sudden inexplicable desire to look like Merve Hughes.

Whatever the reason, he has of late been seen around Sydney sporting a new look:

It's not quite at Merve level yet, but I reckon it's still more than T-Paine the Ray could produce in 6 months.

Terrifying as it is (I feel for the children), I have been assured it's all for a good cause. If you feel the desire to donate, you can do so right here: Please support me in my quest to look like Merve!

EXCLUSIVE! The Inaugural Meeting of CRATRO (The Committee to Return the Ashes to Their Rightful Owner)

On the night of November 17th 2009, in a seedy bar in downtown Johannesburg, four men sat huddled quietly over a dirty table in an ill-lit booth. The world was not yet to know it, but these men were forming a secret committee with an important mission.

Sometime near midnight, the four men - later revealed as Ricky Ponting, M.S. Dhoni, Graeme Smith and Chris Gayle (Younis Khan was originally invited and he was coming, but then he wasn't, and then he was and then he wasn't again ... so the committee is now looking for a replacement) - left the bar and headed to a hotel in the Sandton area of the city.

Here, dressed all in black and with faces covered, they broke into a room and abducted a man wearing red, satin vodafone pyjamas. Witnesses to the incident cannot name the abductee, but report that he had a gap in his front teeth and spoke with a watered down South African accent.

The prisoner was taken to an abandoned warehouse and tied to a chair. After a series of barbaric tortures - rumoured to include forcing him to watch video clips of Big AB abusing random England cricketers and making him listen to Graeme Swann sing until he cried (surely there's something in the Geneva Convention we can refer to for heaven's sake!?) - the prisoner apparently agreed to the following things:

• That these people WILL be on the Ashes tour to Australia next year: Stuart Broad (because Australian fans love taunting her); Steve Harmison (because he is rubbish on tour) and; Graeme Swann (because he is rubbish) (and Brett Lee wants to "chat" with him).
• That in his press conference, the night before the first test at the GABBA, he will state publicly that England were very very lucky to win the 2009 Ashes; that is was not that they were good but that Australia made some stupid selection decisions that denied us the win at the Oval.
  
• He will also state publicly that Graeme Swann is a twat and that, despite his moobs and his nerves being one (only one) of the reasons we could not take the win at Cardiff in July, Nathan Hauritz is a far superior bowler.
• He will not invoke the "K" word.
• Finally, he agreed that on his arrival in Australia next year he will:
•  kidnap Andrew Hilditch to prevent any more stupid decisions (and drop him quietly in a soundproof garage in Highgate Hill, into which he will disappear and never be heard from again)
• Have Ricky Ponting masks made up and insist the Barmy Army wear them at all times (not just at matches)
• Have no injured players in his side so that Australia can beat the best side available (which will inevitably still be crap).

As the sun rose on a soggy Johannesburg morning the hostage, still tormented from his ordeal, was returned to his hotel room and will today - hopefully - lead his side in an embarrassing arse-kicking by the Saffers.

Although Bumble Lloyd tells me the weather is rubbish and the likelihood of any play is pretty near zilch.

I vote we give the win to South Africa on the grounds that they are not England. Any complaints?

We do not speak the "K" word on this blog!

And neither does Cricket Australia, fortunately, because my Lord NMH has been picked and not Mr "K"

The "K" man - Australia's answer to Graeme Swann (lucky us)

Here's the list:

Punter the Boss (Tas)
Pup the Vice Boss (NSW)
Big Dougie B (NSW) (excellent)
Bradley Hads (NSW)
Good King Nate the Invincible (NSW)
Hilfy (TAS)
Mussey (WA)
Whinging Mitchy (WA)
The Kat (NSW)
Lord Marcus (WA)
Sids (the One and Only Victorian on the Team) (hehehehe)
Watto (NSW)

Pleased to See Dougie on the list and hope The Muss can keep up his recent decent form.

With only two Tasmanians on the side (sorry Sunshine), we might do okay. Any more than two and we are surely jinxed.

Chris is a mummy's boy, just like Mitchy

That's a bit mean, really. It got you reading, though ...

Chris Gayle has had to head home to Jamaica, because his mother is ill, and may miss the first test against Australia.

This will leave the side pretty short on experience, which is fine because we are short on health and bowlers.

So, we just need to injure one or two of the West Indian players and the score is pretty even. Get out your baseball bat, Hopesy, and make yourself useful while you're recouperating there in Brisbane.

Test team announced at 1pm tomorrow (Sydney time). I'll let you know.

Lords is a stupid name anyway, right?

You all know by now how I feel about my Western Warriors having been renamed the "Retravision Warriors", after their sponsor; I insist on always referring to the so-called "Brit" Oval as Kennington Oval despite it's official name and who doesn't cringe every time they hear about the "Emirates" stadium (I know it wasn't renamed like the others, but it is still a supid name) or the "Telstra" dome/"Etihad" stadium?

The £400 million redevelopment plans for Lords have sparked talks of the possibility of it being renamed in a similar, commercial-led fashion. The MCC is insisting it won't let it happen, but it does seem to be the way of things now so I'm not convinced.

I thought we could start a little game to come up with best (ie. stupidest) name. Here's a few suggestions to get you started:

We could go with an Audio visual company and have Grundig Lords or Lords of Bush.

A Refrigeration company could get involved and give us Smegg Lords or (my favourite) Kirby Lords.

I like coffee, How about Gaggia Lords? I hate vacuuming, so let's not have Vax Lords.

I dread to think of the result if the insurance company Gay Lea put some money into the ground ...


Apparently, there is a company that makes security cameras called "Swann Ltd", but I absolutely draw the line at Swann Lords.

The Royal Cricket Australia Hospital

We're just over a week away from the first test against the West Indies and it doesn't look like our injury list is getting any smaller. Brett Lee's elbow is giving him gip again, to the extent that there is now talk of retirement; Michael Clarke's ego back is still causing concern and even Hilfy is being closely watched now because of knee concerns.

Bracken seems to be improving slowly, or so he tells us on facebook, but playing for Australia again is still a way off. The rest of the list is fairly familiar: Siddle, Paine, Geeves, Nannes, Hopes, Hodge, Fergie.


Note that Good King Nate is still not on the list.

All we need now is for Whinging Mitchy to decide he's not getting enough attention and start faking a limp and we're all set to lose another test series. Excellent.

Maybe Hilditch will have to give Stuey Clark a chance after all ... I bet he's regretting taking that baseball bat to Brett Lee's elbow now, eh?

When will England learn, they will never be Australia?

Despite their totally flukey T20 win against South Africa the other day, England have - in a rather touching attempt to emulate the Australians - injured several of their players in the hope a second string side can still win the upcoming ODI series.

Their injury list is starting to look as bad as Australia's:

Strauss is out with an attitude injury (If Ricky Ponting doesn't have to play T20, why should I?); Broad has a neck injury due to the excess weight on his chin; Collingwood has a sore back since Alastair Cook stabbed him in it; Graham onions hurt his back line-dancing in Johannesburg and Graeme Swann is sore in his side (not sure what that means, but it may have something to do with that pair of scissors I was carrying yesterday when I saw him in the street ...)

Today, Jimmy Anderson played despite having recently had knee problems; Kevin Pietersen made his long awaited return early and Cook (who made his debut as captain today - how desperate was that?) seems to have tongue issues and probably should've rested it today.

 

I'd be looking out behind for wannabe captain Jimmy ...

The problem is, England are not Australia. They do not have a large pot of decent, if inexperienced, players sitting at home just waiting for their chance and neither Cook, Collingwood or Little Andy are a captain of the calibre of Ricky Ponting.

Plus they have Saji.

And their first string team is crap.

Nice win today, Saffers!

Sajid - South Africa's new hero

He's bowled 1 over.

Let through 21 runs.

2 wickets, both were no balls.

The Saffers have made 50 in less than 5 overs.

If/when the Saffers win, Sajid may just be their man of the match.

Love letters from Hilditch.

Dear Mr Lee,

Despite the fact that everyone in Australia hates me and I clearly don't have a clue what I am doing, somehow I am still the Chairman of Selectors for Cricket Australia. It's amazing, I know.

Obviously CA are happy with my abstract selection decisions and inexplicable dislike of certain players, otherwise I wouldn't be here. So my next act as Chairman of Selectors, is to get rid of you because I have a big girl guide jones for Hilfy, Mitchy and Sids.

It doesn't matter to me that Australia loves you or that you have been an inspiring bowler for several years now or that your figures at test level speak for themselves. It's not even really that I don't like you. I'm doing this because I can. I am the Chairman of Selectors, you know.

I am.

Also, I don't like Stuey Clark because he resembles a tall guy in a Hallowe'en costume. I heard that NSW are hoping to make him captain while Chin Katich is playing in the test series and I really don't want that to happen. If I don't pick you either, there's a fair chance they will make you captain instead.

So, you're out.

Because I said so.

I am the Chairman of Selectors.

Love Andy Hilditch

P.S. I want to leave that boring old offy Hauritz in Sydney with you as well, but Shane Warne has threatened to lock me in a room with a rabid monkey if I do.  I don't have to let him play, though.

***

Dear Mr Clark,


There is no particular reason why I don't want you playing any more. It could be because you are tall and intimidating to me. It could be because you resemble a tall guy in a Hallowe'en costume. It could be because your middle name is Rupert. But it's not.

Really, I just don't like you very much because of that time you begged me to let you play instead of Hauritz at the Oval and then took no wickets and lost us the Ashes and got me mocked by every Australian and even some English people. That made me cry. And I shouldn't be made to cry because I am the Chairman of Selectors.

Did you notice how we went for Clint McKay instead of you when we needed a replacement for Sids in India?  Insulting, wasn't it?

Sorry. At least NSW still like you. I hope you will not be the captain there now, since I am getting rid of Brett as well.

Yours,

Andy Hilditch
(I am still the Chairman of Selectors, you know)

Stuey Broad has some serious issues.

During last night's chat with Good King Nate the Invincible, he revealed to me a horrible truth - he has been emailing Stuart Broad on a regular basis! Don't panic - they aren't friends; Stuey is struggling a little at the moment and he felt he would benefit by chatting to a superior bowler for a while.

Nate is doing well: like all good counsellors he lied and assured Stuey that he is indeed a good bowler.

Another area of concern for Stuey, however, is the haunting memory of Australian fans singing the "dude looks like a lady" song during the Ashes tests. Apparently, Stu revealed to Nate in an extra effeminate moment, he has been feeling very insecure in his masculinity since then.

Nate told him that there are several ways to deal with this but for the love of God, Stuey, this:

is not NOT one of them!!


Facial hair will not help. You still look like you're worried about breaking a nail.


Doing a Flintoff impression will not a good bowler make, either.

Don't worry, Good King Nate is on the case. After much discussion, we've decided that Nate needs to tell him just to be himself - look like a girl; bowl like a girl.

You can't fight fate.

If necessary, I will pay some South African locals to hold him down and attack him with a razor.

All the small things ...

Just passing through, I thought I'd mention this article, which I thought was a good summing up of the series in India.

Tendulkar's innings will be the abiding memory of this series, in a time when not much stays in the memory. Hussey's consistency, Shane Watson's aggression, Shaun Marsh's willingness to put his hand up, Peter Siddle's hostility, might be forgotten. But in the end the small things mattered. Sidarth Monga @ cricinfo

Ricky "Grumpy" Border

Schadenfreude

England lost.

To South Africa A.

They were all out for 89.

Excellent.

Off topic ...

... in the next few days, I am putting together a very important job application so if I am a wee bit absent I apologise.

Thank god I don't have to worry about the cricket while I'm doing it, because that's sorted (they were thinking of me when they kicked arse on Sunday morning, you know).

Wish me luck.

And I leave you with another class Punter face to ponder in my absence:

To Holland or not to Holland ... that is the question ...

Little Punter likes to dance.

This one is just too funny not to post:

Dance, little Ricky, dance

Is Ponting really little or is Dougie B just huge?

Western Australia clinches series victory in India!

Ok, that's not quite true but Mitchy did take 3 wickets (and I wanted him rested!!) while our recently rejuvenated resident oldie, Hussey, and fellow Perth lad, Voges, brought the match home.

Hilfy sat this one out, which might have been good as he has been a bit rubbish; Watson took 2 wickets and opened the run chase with 49 runs off 49 balls, making 10 boundaries; No wickets for King Nate, but he bowled 9 overs for only 19 runs so no one can complain about him today.

Yes!! I am smarter than a ten year old!

A couple of weeks ago when our bowlers started dropping like flies, I made a comment on facebook about wanting Big Dougie B to play. I got an overwhelming response of "No, no - he's no good". I had just watched him in the CLT20 and did not agree. I was right (of course).

I can't quite believe we have managed to win the series with a half-arsed bowling side, and it has been damn close at times, but it is done. I'm sure a hundred sports journalists and other bloggers will say this (maybe have already), but if this is what a half strength Aussie side can do imagine what a full strength one would have been capable of.

The best thing about it is that the likes of NMH, The Huss and Mitchy (and even Punter himself, if he is willing to let Cam White be captain for a day) can probably put their feet up for the next match and let the newbies run the show. Doesn't matter if we lose it, after all.

I know I've said mean things about Dhoni (sorry Leela), but actually I think he is a good batsman and a really good captain; Harby is a legend - 'nuff said and; Tendulkar - where to begin? Just when I think it's over and start making fun of his zimmer frame and creaking joints, he amazes me again. That man is truly a god of cricket.

I want to make special mention of the crowd today. Right at the end, Hussey and Voges had 10 runs left to win both the match and the series, yet the crowd were on their feet. They were local, they were waving Indian flags, and they were cheering the Australian team to a win - now that's loving cricket, isn't it? We Aussies like to think we are the biggest cricket fans in the world, but I can't imagine the same thing happening in reverse at the WACA to be honest. Hats off to the Indian fans.

And now I'm watching the Saffers play Zimbabwe. Purna and Mary Jane I think I might be in love with Albie Morkel. And just as I write this, he smacks the ball for 6.

It's a 3am start for those of us in the UK and I will be saying my prayers before bed tonight.

Can I be bothered to get up at 3 to watch? Probably not, to be honest, but I am hoping to wake up to positive news.

And have you noticed Ponting's improving as a tosser lately? hehehe

So, it's Guwahati this time. Meant to be a good pitch for the bowlers, so I think Good King Nate should have a better time here than he did in the last match. Let's hope so. It never takes much for him to start getting bagged by the Aussie fans.

Crapinfo have outdone themselves by actually listing Hauritz in the "watch out for" list:

It's not often Nathan Hauritz is on the warning list, but after one poor game he will come in for extra attention. Hauritz has been Australia's undisputed No. 1 spinner since the Ashes, and he is steadily repaying that faith with assured performances with the ball. He is happy to be operating on tracks offering more turn; he was a key man in New South Wales' US$2.5m success at the Champions League Twenty20 and at a venue reputed to assist bowlers, Hauritz could prove pivotal.

I'm impressed with crapinfo (and at least they're honest), but last time this sort of thing was said about Hauritz was right before the 5th Ashes test at the Oval, and we all know what Ponting and Hilditch did then ...

If I wake up and find NMH was left out for John Holland, I will start stalking Ponting until he stands down.

Johnson may or may not play, because his mum yelled at him on the phone again and he is bit upset, but if Watto's form isn't a fluke and Hilfy can get his act together we shouldn't need him. "Clint" also deserves another go, he did well in #5.

Beyond this, all I can say is that I will be saying my prayers before bed: Please can Ponting win the toss, choose to bat and get a century; please can we score 350 again, please can Ponting not develop a sudden love for John Holland.

Did I cover everything?

Today's bonus question:

You all know how I feel about Victorians - can one of you please tell me what the hell Cam White is doing to "Clint" here? Is it some weird Victorian ritual dance or something?

My favourite picture from the 5th ODI

Is he carrying those drinks because he was a bit rubbish in the last match? Is it because there were a few, niggling injury concerns (and he's not responsible enough to be flown back to Perth on his own - the airline won't take him without an accompanying adult)?

Or could it be because he stayed up all night on the turps the night before the match? He looks like an old wino.

Good god, Mitchy - have a shave and get some sleep!

How does a team amass 350 in an ODI and still only win by 3 runs?

Well, I guess the answer is Tendulkar, isn't it?

I suspect someone else could write a better report than me, since I was at work all day and then out with (non cricketing) friends in the evening, so I neither saw nor heard very much  of the match. I was once permitted to check my phone during dinner, which is when I saw we had been Tendulkared big time and only just scraped the win.

Have you noticed how players start doing well as soon as I decide to take the piss out of them? Most notably recently: Shane Watson and Clint McKay. It's one of my powers and I use it for good. If Gingey McDonald gets a match you know he's going to play really well because I have made fun of him.

The theory is played out by the fact that I rave about NMH and he was a bit scary yesterday.

Still, if our bowlers had played *really* well, surely we would have won by a larger margin?? Am I being unfair? Someone who saw the match, and thus actually knows what they are talking about, make comment please ...

I have a hangover to nurse.

I can talk about something other than Nathan Hauritz.

A quick aside from the depression that is the Australian tour of India, my Western Warriors reached 499  against the NSW Blues at the SCG today (in the Sheffield Shield).

It is probably because most of NSW's players are in India or injured (always excepting Stuey, of course) but who cares??

Just thought you'd like to know I can talk about something other than Nathan Hauritz

My worst fears realised!

Ginger McDonald is coming to save us.

Shade your eyes - he's so ginger it hurts!

Oh, and thanks to "cricket blitz" for this.

Here's the CA article:

I knew it was only a matter of time

Mitchy Ponders his rubbish-ness and Ponting ponders his bowels

 ... thanks to Purna for sending me these.

Why oh why can't I bowl as good as Nathan? I might have to inappropriately fondle him later and hope the greatness rubs off.

Ooh, last night's curry isn't sitting too well ...

Ponting: "You being a Victorian and me being a Tasmanian, we don't have much of a chance here, but let's chat and laugh and make it look like we know what we're doing, ok? That West Aussie, Mussey, will be out here soon and then we can relax."

ODI#4 in pictures, because I have writer's block.

Shane Watson: "Oh, look I've got a bat and there's a ball - hey, I think I know what to do!"

Ricky Ponting: "check out the Kookaburra bat and gloves ... there's some more cash in my pocket ..."

"How dare you! Don't you know who I am?"

"You are a good little, bowler ... yes you are!"

Michael Hussey "Stand aside everybody ... I am Mister Cricket."

Cameron White: "I might be the only Victorian who can bat, but at least I'm better than Mussey."

Virender Sehwag: "eat your heart out John Travolta ... Saturday night fever, yeah!"

Doug Bollinger to Cameron White: "hehe, that's how we knocked you dodgy Vics out of the CLT20, remember?" and Cam White responds: "Watch your back, Mitchy's waiting to inappropriately fondle you."

King Nate the Invincible: "Remember this one from primary school? Skip under the arches, Sachin, and then off you go - you're out!"

Ricky Ponting: "with our run of injuries, we thought we'd try incorporating yoga into our training to strenthen the limbs and the soul ... this is the "Yuvraj is too slow and I'm too good" pose.

Graham Manou: "King Nate is such a good bowler, I'm going to jump up and down and scream about it ...

... while Mitchy inappropriately fondles him and Ponting continues to hunt for Peter Siddle in his ear. What's up with that, Punt?"

Nice try, Harbajan, but guess what? Someone taught Watto to bowl last night. Didn't expect that, did you?

Ponting: "That's amazing! When did you learn to do that?" Watson: "I am a freaking legend, I am!!"

Are we boring you, Mr Ponting?

How damned rude! Good King Nathan has just taken a wicket and everybody is celebrating except Ponting, who seems to be trying to extract Peter Siddle from his ear ... where else could he be?

What is Ponting's problem? Is he not happy another wicket has fallen? Is he not eager to celebrate one meaningless wicket when the series as a whole is all but lost? Are Siddle's buck teeth chafing his eardrum?

If he's worried that My Nathan is going to be next on the injury list, he clearly hasn't been reading my blog or else he'd know about the invincibility factor.

Christ ... Mitchy's getting a bit touchy feely there, isn't he? Perhaps he's hoping the greatness will rub off ...

Check out "Hilditch & the Selectors" - the great new band from Sydney, touring India this week!

In an unfortunate turn of events, the group has recently hit by an injury epidemic in their touring party and are now seeking yet another to join them.

Guitarist Peter Siddle is the latest name to be entered in the injury book (Siddle is off home with a broken heart; according to unnamed sources he has also been suffering from stiffness - but we already knew that, didn't we?) and this leaves options rather slim.

Fellow guitarist Shane Watson has been suffering from a mild bout of uselessness lately, but fortunately got his act together just in time to save face.  Lead guitarist, King Nate the Invincible, feels that he can play all 50 tracks and cover for Siddle at the same time (because he is bloody superb) but drummer Big Merv has informed him that's against local health and safety law.

The question is, who will replace Siddle? Hitherto, the band's replacement choices have been open to ridicule and have cost the band a great deal of respect from their most devoted followers.

Stu Clark, currently based in Sydney, is the obvious choice to replace Siddle, but that is unlikely to happen for reasons unknown. No one could ever accuse Hilditch & the Selectors of making sense.

Brett Geeves has been impressing with a small Hobart-based outfit currently playing a few gigs in Brisbane, but there is an old Aboriginal saying that goes something like this: he who plays more than 2 Tasmanians at once courts miserable failure - so it probably won't be him.

They could always resort to frightening people by bringing over Andrew McDonald. Rumour has it the band considered wearing pink wigs for their next gig on Thursday, but were told this is not allowed due to fire regulations - perhaps McDonald's bright red hair will do just as well.

With this long list of problems, I suspect the rest of the tour will be quite unsuccessful for the group but they are required to finish it and must continue to hold their heads up and try not to get completely trampled under foot. When this diabolical set of gigs is over, the band head home to Australia for a tour of home cities. Fans must pray that the original band members, particularly bass guitarist Brett Lee and saxophonist Sunshine Paine, are fit again and ready to perform.

Who told me Big Dougie B was no good? I stand justified in my defense of him...

... and in my claim that Mitchy is too unpredictable; not to mention by beloved Lord NMH ... Lord?? Surely nothing less than King Nate will do now?

I might have to eat my words on Watto though.

Further to comments on my previous post, I don't completely dislike Watson. I think, in time, he will be a decent batsman but I consider him a totally over rated bowler. Did he prove me wrong today? Maybe, maybe not. I really hope so. I want him to be better than he is.

We need him to be better than he is.

Well, once again I didn't get to watch the match. Damn work interfering with my cricket!

I was checking in though and we looked, to begin with, like our total was going to be rather impressive, so imagine my horror when I discovered we were limited to 250. And then India seemed to be flying along and I thought we were going to get stuck on 3 wickets again (what's that all about?) but it didn't seem to happen today.

Still the ending was close and I was afraid to keep looking in case I jinxed it, so I didn't check my phone once on the bus. And then I got home and looked ... and dropped to my knees and thanked blessed Yahweh and good King Nate.

I was going to kiss the ground, but then I remembered I live in England.

Don't want to catch anything ...

Pink wigs and Mussey bowling

Australia have had a couple of good cricketing months. 6-1 arse-kicking 2009; winning the Champion's Trophy when even I didn't think they would; and the Ashes, while being a loss (sob) wasn't a complete washout.

But let's now be brutally honest - we have lost the current series against India. The injuries are too many and the skills too few. It's over, people. The only question left to be answered is not "who will win this series?" but "will India or South Africa be #1 in the ODI rankings when it's over?"

And yet, we have to play it out so I say let's have a little fun with it. (The selectors obviously are, or else we wouldn't have "Clint" on his way over from Melbourne right now.) Here's what I think we should do with the next match:

• Leave Ponting out - he's surely near the top of the queue for injuries, right?
• Let Whinging Mitchy have a go at opening
• Let him open with Nathan Hauritz
• with Sids at #3
  
• Let's have Mussey do a bit of bowling, at worst he'll let a shedload of runs through. At best, he'll injure one or two of the Indian batsmen
• I'd like to see sledging taken to a new level, with pink wigs (and maybe false tashes?) brought in to the attack
  
• Go all the way and bring on over Andrew "unsightly ginger" MacDonald and make him our keeper. Maybe he, too, will break his finger and then we'll get a giggle and;
• for the biggest laugh of all, let's have Shane Watson bowl ... 

 ... no wait, we already do that ...
bugger.

"Clint" - more of a sound-effect than a name, really.

So now Jimmy Hopes is definitely out of the series and is off home. It wasn't unexpected, let's be honest, but - horror of all horrors - they've called up a Victorian to replace him! This wouldn't be so bad (well it would, but I'd live with it) if it weren't for the fact that there is a perfectly good NSWelshman available and probably chomping at the bit to get over to India!

Why is Clark being ignored like this? What's going on?

I blame Andrew Hilditch and feel he should be mauled by a rabid monkey on a leash.

Well, at least we can pronounce this McKay's name, if indeed it is a name (see post title for more information).

So now, not only do we have "Moises", whose name can't be said without it looking like one is retching; but also "Clint" McKay.

Anyone think we have a snowball's chance in this series?