The Worst of 2009

It seems to be the done thing at the New Year to recount our favourite blogs and blog posts of the preceding year.

Well, piss that off - I've never really been one to follow convention, so I'm giving you the 10 worst posts I have come across in 2009. If you don't like it ... tough.

10. MJ at Mary Jane in the World of Cricket wrote this tongue in cheek piece about England being beaten by a domestic Saffa side. Now I don't know who you think you are, MJ, but I am the one who takes the piss out the England team around here. Got it?

9. The NightWatch Girl deserves to be smacked in general for owning an England cricket blog, but she really excelled herself with this one They've Only gone and Done it. Do I really need to explain why?

8. Christopher Poshin, who I just refer to as Poshe generally, who writes Poshin's World, amongst other things, was one of the first people to support my blog and, though we frequently disagree, I will always hold  him in the highest esteem. The rest of you can feel free to write nasty emails, though, because look at this post: Why I Like Swann

7.  Nathan, a fellow West Aussie blogger who seems determined to pretend I don't exist, writes The Prindiville End. He wrote a post on Chris Gayle, simply titled Chris Gayle and he was a little too nice to Gayle for my liking.

6. Baiju, my friend from The Cricketer - it's nice you referred to My Lord as one of Australia's best performers (in the Ashes series, up to the end of the 3rd test at Edgbaston), but to dare suggest he might be dropped for Brett Lee - that's kind of put you on the out with me.

5.Mspr1nt over at Tales from the Offside frankly has some nerve writing a post about sexy cricketers and not mentioning My Lord. At all. That's just wrong.

4. Ian, my dear friend over at The Baggy Green - you write so much better than me and that's not allowed; but also YOU INVOKED THE K WORD!! Away with ye!

3. Leela, Leela my Dhoni loving friend at Maidenbowling this post is just not on - because I find it hard to understand how anyone can feel this way about anyone but My Lord NMH.

2. Uncle Jrod at CWB how you can dislike My Lord so much is beyond me, but you are a Bloody Victorian so I guess that makes you unpredictable. This post was so rubbish, I wish I'd thought of it first.

1. And how can I miss my absolute favourite, Purna at Cricket Minded -Purna, you know I adore you but to put Aussie Bowlers in the funny list is pretty damn nasty and I take it personally.

***

Well, I hope you go ahead an avoid all these people in 2010 because I want you to.

Of course, generally these posts fall into the category of "worst" either because I am jealous that I didn't think of them myself or because they make some reference to England being even remotely good at cricket.

I'm not a nasty cow.

Really.

Happy New Year.

A short interview with Ricky Ponting

When the match ended yesterday, I called My Lord to congratulate him and have our usual after-match phone quickie; while I had him there I got him to hand the phone over to Punter for a quick interview. Being a big fan of the blog, he naturally knew exactly who I was. This is the interview (which works better in print because you don't have to hear Punter grunting as he scratches himself after every other sentence):


Sid: Ricky, congratulations on the win today, you must be pleased.
Ricky: Yeah, I am Sid. I'm still a bit pissed at these useless bastards for losing the Ashes; especially since it was me that had to hand it over to that moron Strauss, so it's about time this lot got their act together.

S: Interesting declaration there in the first innings, were you confident 454 was going to be enough?
R: Yeah, I was. The Stani's aren't that good, are they? We might be so shit that we lost to England, but we're still better than the Stani's any day.

S: You've said this marked a change in policy for you and the team; the "know when to declare policy" because, and I quote, you "recognise the limitations of your team". Why has it taken you so long to work this out? The rest of Australia got this after the Cardiff test ... are you an idiot or something?
R: Well I am small and of little brain, Sid. I can lift heavy things and I can run real fast, but other stuff can take a while to sink in.

S: Fair enough; now how about Shane Watson and that century?
R: Well, he's damn lucky he got it to be honest. After that fuck up on day 1, he was told he had to make good in the 2nd innings or we'd let Simon beat him up with a icy cucumber. I'm only sorry Simon didn't go on to get a century after Watto was given out.

S: How are things between Simon and Shane after Saturday's event?
R: Not good, as you can imagine. I believe they've kept the arguing to a few nasty emails while the match was on, but now that it's all over I reckon they'll get in each other's face a bit more. I'll let them yell for a bit before I step in all captain-like and calm them down. Because that's what I do, you know? I'm the captain. Frankly, I think Watto deserves more than a few harsh words from Simon (and the rest of the boys are in the mood for some mud wrestling) but I promised Watto if he got a century 2nd time around I would protect him.

S: You seemed geniunely pleased for Hauritz today, even though we all know you've had problems with him in the past.
R: Well, Nathan is a little weed, isn't he? He's not easy to like and during the Ashes tour he kept pestering me to play cards with him and go golfing with him ... he was bloody annoying; and now we'll have to put up with him gloating all night, after only half a beer no doubt because he can't hold his piss; it's quite un-Australian, actually.

S: We know you have a public face to put on, but was Hauritz quietly held responsible for the failure at Cardiff?
R: Fucking A, he was. Useless bastard. The win was handed to him on a silver platter and he just couldn't take it. He couldn't bowl a couple of useless English tailenders and people still ask why we didn't use him at the Oval.

S: How about Johnson today as well, he's bowled really well this match but what's up with his hair?
R: The truth is, Sid, that we wouldn't let him have it cut because if he hadn't bowled well Pup and I would have shaved it off. I know it's a cruel and unusual punishment, but it works well with these vain types; did Ritzy good, didn't it? Mitchy's hair is getting a bit OTT now, though. If he doesn't have it cut between now and Sydney, we will shave it off regardless.

S: Can you send me a lock of it to sell on ebay?
R: I'd do that I if I could, but I'm afraid Mitchy's mum keeps an album of his locks of hair and confiscates all the trimmings every time he gets a cut. They're that close, him and his mum.

S: And finally, what's your response to PM Rudd declaring that Warney must come out of retirement?
R: That's just Mr Rudd mistaking us all for people who give a shit what he thinks, isn't it? But on Warney coming out of retirement; well, as you and I have established, I am so stupid I've only just realised my current bowlers are not up to Warney's level so it hasn't really crossed my mind before. I doubt it will happen. Warney is fatter than ever now and prefers poker to cricket because he can eat his pies while playing that game. He's a good bloke, though, Warney and fun to have around ... much better than that chunk of wood Watson and much better looking than Siddle; and at least he didn't need me to hold his hand all the time like Ritzy does. But no, Rudd doesn't know what he's on about, as usual.

S: Thanks, Ricky. Can you put Nathan back on? we're going to have more phone sex.
R: Seriously? Mine's bigger than his, you know? I might be little, but I'm mighty if you know what I mean ... ?

S: That's dynamite, Rick. Now can I talk to someone with a normal sized ego, please?
R: OK. Here's Mitchy. No wait, he's an arrogant bastard as well. Oh very well, speak to Weedy ... I mean, Ritzy ... sorry.

The "Bite Me Hilditch" Awards - the most prestigious cricket awards in the whole of Thoughts from the Dustbin

Man of the Match

Hair of the Match

 

God of the Match

Peter Siddle of the Match

Bad Robot Dancing of the Match

Wierdest Celebration of the Match

Cock up of the Match

The "what the hell are you doing up here?" Moment of the Match

Enemies of the Match

 Funniest Moment Disappointment of the Match

Nightwatchman of the Match

And the Winner is:

The Bite Me, Hilditch of the Match

I can't quite believe it ...

I suddenly feel most justified in all my ranting about Good King Nate. Even Jrod said at some point (I can't find the post now) that he would credit My Lord as a bowler when - and only when - he gets 5 in a test match innings.

Done and dusted.

Now he can be liked by everyone, which I don't like. He's mine, dammit. I saw him first.

Why was he not Man of the Match? I want to know!

So I watched a little, saw Mitchy and that hair take 2 in 2 balls but miss the hat trick (because the wall of hair slowed him down no doubt) and saw poor Kamran Akmal on strike, praying every time Sids ran at him (wouldn't you pray if *that* was running at you?).

Then I went to bed.

I dreamed about a place in Wales and the Aussie bowlers failing miserably.

When I woke, my husband was ooh-ing and aah-ing at some cricket on the TV and I hoped like hell it was England and not Australia still playing.

But it wasn't. It was England pulling a win somehow from that slow boring match in Durban (how the hell did they have time for that?).

My DH told me Australia had won; he did not tell me My "boy" (as he so refers to the Holy Invincible One) had taken 5.

Interesting.

Another little email conversation I intercepted

to: simon.katich@watsonisnotanopener.com.au
from: shane.watson@atleasticanbowl.com.au

To Simon,

It took me ages, and at times I was really lucky, but today I got a century. I notice you haven't had one for a while.

Nice work running me out the other day, by the way, but you only delayed the inevitable you big chinned shit. Screw you, I got a century and you still - after all these years - shit yourself in the 90s. When was your last test century? Cardiff? Don't you think it's time you admitted I am a better batsman than you?

from Shane

***

To girly haired twat Shane,

I may have taken responsibility publicly for that cock up on Saturday, but it was only because you cried. We both know it was all your fault. Who the fuck runs when they can see their batting partner isn't looking? You may have called, but did it not become obvious that I hadn't heard you when I didn't move?

If you had been watching either me or the ball you would have seen either that no way was there a sodding run there or that I had evidently seen that no way was there a sodding run there - I was watching the game, if there was a run there I WOULD HAVE RUN. You useless fuck. You ran yourself out and you know it.

I want Phil Hughes!

Simon

***

To no way will you ever be captain Katich,

I did not cry, you fucker, I was sweating through anger because you had had me run out!

I see today you also tried to outdo me in bowling, you insecure piece of shit. Do I intimidate you that much? Watch me take 5 tomorrow and be named man of the match.

from Shane GOD Watson

***

To Shane flukey century Watson,

If you take 5 tomorrow, I will have loud dirty sex with Peter Siddle. That's how likely I think it is.

Ritzy is more likely to take 5 than you and he is stupid son of a bitch as well as being a crap bowler.

from Captain Simon Katich

***

fw: nathan.hauritz@sidthegnomenatorsplaything.com.au
from: shane.watson@atleasticanbowl.com.au


To Nate,

Check what Simon said about you.

from Shane

***

to: simon.katich@watsonisnotanopener.com.au
from: nathan.hauritz@sidthegnomenatorsplaything.com.au

To Simon,

Shane told me what you said about me. I am glad you think I will get 5 tomorrow. I think you are really nice. Can we be best friends?

I think I love you.


from Nathan (you can call me Nate if you like)

P.S. do you like my new haircut?

***

Don't shoot the messenger! I just "accidentally" got BCCd into all of these ...

Our nightwatchman is NOT better than yours

Watto finally did it (120 n.o.)

Mitchy still hasn't had a haircut

And My Lord got all Bolly on our arses (what's up with that?):

But we still only managed 225 for 8 before declaring. Sounds like the pitch is rubbish, though, so we should be okay. If we can't bowl them out tomorrow, I am packing up my malevolent bed bunnies and taking them down to Melbourne to bite the whole team on their ankles while they sleep (much like I did after the Cardiff test).

Star of the day is the aforementioned Pakistani nightwatchman, Mohammed Aamer who today became the youngest fast bowler in history to take 5. He took 5 - 79 and his scalps included Ponting, Clarke and Haddin. He must be a happy lad at the moment.

Here's hoping for another 4 for My Lord and a haircut for Mitchy.

Oh, and a win. Also hoping for a win.

Our nightwatchman's better than yours!

But in all fairness, Mohammed Aamer is only 17. He only got 15 but he faced 89 balls and got 2 boundaries. Not bad, really.

Credit must go also to Umar Akmal who, at the grand old age of 19, stood up to the Aussie bowlers pretty damn well. He got 51.

Despite this, and a few fielding mishaps, we cleaned them up for only 258. Johnson took 3, despite having really bad hair, and Bolly took 3. My Lord got smacked around a bit and Siddle seemed to get more and more frustrated as he went on - I think he probably wanted to beat Captain Kat with a mars bar after that not-quite-catch, which would have been the final wicket of the Pakistani's first innings.

So we went out to bat and Watson is giving that maiden test century another bash - he is currently on 64 not out. We did manage to lose 3 wickets before close of play (Captain Kat for 2, Punter for 12 and the Muss for 4) leaving us with 111 - 3 at close of play.

Notice Clarke didn't let them send out the God of Nightwatchmen Hauritz this time around ... he went out there with himself and is currently on 21.

The bad news of the day, apart from Mitchy's dodgy hair, is that Punter's elbow is still giving him gip. To quote him: "Had a lot of trouble with my arm today ... am having difficulty getting the full range of movement." Let's hope he gets that sorted by the 2nd test.

And let's hope Mitchy gets a haircut.

Or bowls badly and they hold him down and shave him.

Warney does the Watto

Check this video (downloaded from cricket online tv and edited); it's brilliant. Love Warney's running style but Slats doesn't quite get Captain Kat's surprised expression right.

(another fine product from Ponting Pisstake Productions).

Competition of the Week

COMPETITION!

For your chance to win a photo of Shane Watson's dog with a muddy paw print on it, asnwer this question:

What does Shane Watson say here?


(another fine effort by Ponting Pisstake Productions)

Answers in the comment form; competition closes December 31st 2009 at midnight.

**disclaimer** the above is complete rubbish. I don't even know if Shane Watson has a dog.

The Nightwatchman Reigns!

Not only did he get 75 - I'm trying to remember which of you argued with me when I said he is handy with a bat because you're smack-list bound - but also the skipper let him out to play with the ball as early as the tenth over and he did not disappoint: he picked up a higher order batsmen. Ponting has obviously been reading this blog, because I have whinged once or twice that he never lets My Lord have a crack at the top order men. He should have listened to me earlier.

He's looking very disappointed as he walks off; he shouldn't be.

So, what else happened?

The Muss didn't get a century again and Pup got 28 before Punter declared on 454. With the near disaster against the West Indies in Perth and in Adelaide, that just doesn't feel like enough to me, but we'll see.

The bowling looks to have been pretty impressive: Watto, Mitchy and My Lord took the top three and the review system worked in Siddle's favour as Doctrove's decision on Yousuf was overturned and he was given out. The only one wating for a wicket is Big Dougie B, but I'm sure his turn will come tomorrow.

Until then ...

Australia 454 - 5 declared
Pakistan 109 - 4 at stumps on day 2

All's well that ends with a cute nightwatchman, I always say

... and a pantomime dame in the guise of an opening batsman. Poor Watto missed out on that elusive maiden test century again - but what the hell happened?

I haven't yet seen the hightlights of the second half of the day but I have read all about this run out - was it a classic case of the batsmen not communicating? It sounds to me like Katich bailed out on the run and should have called to Watson to let him know ... but, as I said, not seen it yet.

Despite the lack of 100s (again), we are looking pretty strong, I think. Watson and Captain Kat ought to be pretty pleased to get as far as they did, as it was largely due to some dodgy fielding by the Pakistanis. There were some pretty damn hopeful LBW calls as well - do we think they were counting on Koertzen continuing his dislike of Aussies?

I don't think any Aussie was surprised that Punter was out there - we all thought he would be even if he had to be carried out into the middle - and then to get 57 ... the lad did ok. I imagine he won't be happy with it, though. He usually isn't. No comment about the day's play on his facebook page.

Not really much else to say: Punter won the toss; two near misses for the openers; Punter got a half century and Mussey is looking okay out there (and My Lord - whose groin seems to have recovered nicely - the nightwatchman on 5).

Australia 305 - 3 at stumps on Day 1

P.S. come on Saffas!

My Christmas Wish

So, Little Stevie Smith has been called up for the Boxing day test to replace My Lord NMH should he not be fit.

My Lord has a groin injury.

It would be so easy to claim that my dearest Christmas wish had come to fruition and that I am somehow responsible for the sore groin.

How I wish it were true, but sadly it's not.

Sigh ...

Forget my Amazon wishlist; forget all the hints I've been dropping; I want one of these for Christmas:

Please, Santa ...?

Merry Christmas from the Village Cricketer

The Village Cricketer posted this on December 3rd, clearly because he knew it was so funny and couldn't wait to get it out there. I have been holding onto it since then, but here it is:

Merry Christmas everyone!

Check the old favourite Ponting face! Who doesn't love that one?

Poll: What is the Best New Cricket Blog of 2009?

Poll: What is the Best New Cricket Blog of 2009?

Cricket Website Awards

Hi all, the Cricket Website Awards have been relaunched. Voting now ends on December 31st and you can only vote once in each category.

Go over and vote for moi (in the best new blog section).

Please.

World Cricket Watch

cheers

Why was Phil Hughes called up Again?

Hehehe ... check out this post at Tales from the Offside ... love the Phil Hughes picture!

And here's another one for you:

"Right, I don't know how many times I can explain this to you, Phil ... you hit the ball with the bat ... ok? Got it? Ponce ... I told that shit Hildy to go with Cam White."

How very rude ...

... can't wait for Boxing Day so I have something more interesting to write about. In the meantime, however, check this out

Now, I am the first to admit that My Lord didn't have his greatest test in Perth; plus I am aware that those of us who think he is hot are in the minority, but to list Graeme Prat featureas as "hot".

Oh please.

Lions, lions, lions.

On the twelfth day of Christmas Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... twelve years of Ashes glory (and more if possible, but this is many days as I have)

eleven fit Aussie players
ten test wickets forRitzy
nine years of shame for Andy

eight more years for Mussey

seven straight matches for Lee
six dot balls for Mitchy
five Ashes test victories
four more runs for Watson
three hungry lions
two selector's scalps
and Hauritz in a pear tree.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah or Happy holidays everyone

We're not bitter, really ...

Actually, we probably are.

I certainly am.

But it's still funny.

The general Australian smack list topper

Ode to a Near Disastrous Batting Collapse

And a shameless promotion of Delilah Snip.

I spent my whole lunch break writing this yesterday - I want to show it off.

Ode to a Near Disastrous Batting Collapse

Welcome to my slightly insane side.

On the eleventh day of Christmas Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... eleven fit Aussie players (that would be nice - the first team, all fit at the same time)

ten test wickets forRitzy
nine years of shame for Andy

eight more years for Mussey

seven straight matches for Lee
six dot balls for Mitchy
five Ashes test victories
four more runs for Watson
three hungry lions
two selector's scalps
and Hauritz in a pear tree.

The team

Not much of a change, really, except this time we have Phil Hughes in place just in case Ponting's elbow is still giving him jip on Boxing day. If that happens, Captain Kat will slip down to number 3 and Hughes will open with Watto.

I would like to have seen Cam White in the side instead, but he is a Victorian and we already have two of them; we may be playing it safe with only one Tasmanian (Hilfy is still out) but it is best not to tempt fate with too many Vics in the side.

So the team is:

Punter (Tas)
Pup (NSW)
Big Dougie B (NSW)
Hads (NSW)
My Lord NMH (NSW)
Spotty Hughes (NSW)
Watto (NSW)
The Muss (WA)
Whinging Mitchy (WA)
King Marcus (WA)
The Sound Effect (VIC)
Sids (VIC)

We're really going to miss Hilfy.

Again.

On the tenth day of Christmas Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... ten test wickets for Ritzy (That's all in one match. I can dream, can't I?)

nine years of shame for Andy
eight more years for Mussey

seven straight matches for Lee
six dot balls for Mitchy
five Ashes test victories
four more runs for Watson
three hungry lions
two selector's scalps
and Hauritz in a pear tree.

Little Andy is on Biff's Smack List, too.

England managed to pull a flukey draw against the Saffers in Centurion. Collers the Ginger-Not-Captain is responsible. And Biff isn't happy. It's not easy to behave well when a dead cert win is ripped from you by a gutsy last wicket stand - just ask Ricky Ponting.

Biff, clearly aware of all the goings on in Perth and particularly of Watto's "embarrassing" wicket celebration (I'm quoting the commentators here), decided to jump on the band wagon and claim the England team's celebration was a bit over the top. According to Biff, there was "too much fist pumping" by the England team as they celebrated their lucky draw.

In a telephone interview last night, match referee Mahanama told me the complaint is not being taken seriously: "The England team generally being peopled by wankers, we imagine there is a lot of fist pumping going on there; Smith knows this and should be used to it by now."

So there you have it: I'm not the only one who thinks Andrew Strauss is a wanker.

Haircuts and Morris Dancing in Perth (aka. the match in pictures - my way)

La la la ... I got Chris for you, Ritzy ... let's do some morris dancing.

Don't you make fun of my bowlers, Chris. They might not be world class, but hell can they dance!

 

Right, here's the deal Mitchy ... I couldn't care less that you're sick; get some wickets or Pup and I will hold you down and shave your head like we did with Ritzy, ok?

Yeah? Like that? Like that? No haircut for me, Suley ... now get outta my face you big git.

Please, please give me this wicket ... if you don't Punter and Pup are going to shave my hair off as well; have you seen how ridiculous Ritzy looks? That's me if you don't give me this .

Yes!! I get to keep my hair! I'll let you braid it if you like, though, Ritz.

 

Yeah, Punt ... you might want to stick with batting mate. Hey, Pup - can we shave his head??

Aah, Jesus - he's getting away! Somebody catch the semi-bald sucker, his eyebrows are going next.

And here we are in a ritual celebration of gay overtones in sport. Did Pup have a bowl as well? Looks like someone got to his hair ...

Check Mitchy's bike shorts. Stylish.

On the ninth day of Christmas Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... nine years of shame for Andy (Strauss - after they lose the test series in South Africa and the Ashes 5-0 in 2011)

eight more years for Mussey
seven straight matches for Lee
six dot balls for Mitchy
five Ashes test victories
four more runs for Watson
three hungry lions
two selector's scalps
and Hauritz in a pear tree.

Chris Broad is a nonce

First, if you have been in a bubble for the last few days and haven't seen the fallout over the Peppa Pig lunch box go here: The Peppa Pig Wars

Since this incident, the players in question have been thrown over a rack and whipped repeatedly with banana skins. Benn now has a cult following of people trying to free him from his fate. If you would like to sign the petition (started by Jrod) you can do so here: FREE SULIEMAN BENN

In Adelaide, Big Dougie B was taken aside and tongue-lashed for, erm, kicking the ground too hard (?) ... also by Chris Broad.

And now Shane Watson has been smacked heartily, also by mean Mr Broad, because he got a bit too excited in his celebration of Chris Gayle's wicket. Isn't he supposed to get excited? What exactly is the problem?

Does anyone else think Chris Broad is behaving like an aged school teacher who just can't deal with today's unruly teens?

On the eighth day of Christmas Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... eight more years for Mussey (before he collapses in the middle, bat in hand)

seven straight matches for Lee
six dot balls for Mitchy
five Ashes test victories
four more runs for Watson
three hungry lions
two selector's scalps
and Hauritz in a pear tree.

If you think that's a batting collapse, Chris, check this out!

Well, that was just horrible.

After a fabulous batting collapse by the West Indies first thing, Australia - evidently in awe of Gayle's men - decided to do exactly the same.

Ponting was hoping not to have to come out today and by rights he shouldn't have had to, but as the wickets tumbled he clearly felt he ought to take matters into his own little hands.

It lasted for all of 6 balls. He went for 2.

Now we are relying on My Lord NMH and the Sound Effect to do us some good, but unless one of them flukes his first test century I suspect we will have to bowl this lot out if we want to win the match.

Australia are 137-8 at stumps on day 3 (that's a lead of 345 runs).

Let's hope the Saffers can cheer me up.

On the seventh day of Christmas Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... seven straight matches for Lee (without injury for heaven's sakes)

six dot balls for Mitchy
five Ashes test victories
four more runs for Watson
three hungry lions
two selector's scalps
and Hauritz in a pear tree.

Here's a little email I intercepted earlier ...

To: pie_eating_champion@fatboy.com.au
From: chris_gayles_bitch@nobodylikesmeexceptsid.com.au

Dear Mr Warne,

I know you are very busy trying to convince Cricket Australia to let you host your new talent/reality show: I onced bowled a cricket ball, please select me for Australia (because you are a needy fat f*ck who is desperate to stay in the limelight in any way possible now that you have retired from international cricket), but if you could spare some time please email Chris Gayle and tell him to leave me alone.

First, he said mean things about me to journalists. That wasn't so bad on its own, because Punter just bit his ankles for me. Also, Pup hocked a lurgee in some crustless peanut butter sandwiches, because we thought they were Chris's (they were in a Peppa Pig lunchbox and we know he is a big fan) but it turned out they were the ones Mitchy's mum had packed for him that morning. Don't tell him. He ate them anyway.

I even rehashed my old Lords injury so that I could flash Chris the birdy without getting grounded by Dancing Billy, but Chris isn't a little-girl-ankle-biting-wuss like Punter, so he didn't care.

And now Chris is being worse than ever. He wouldn't stop smacking me all over Perth today and he knows how sensitive I am about my bowling. Then he got Suley to try rugby tackling Mitchy (it had something to do with who is the biggest Peppa Pig fan) and arguing with Hads (he prefers Dora the Explorer). Those West Indies boys are so mean. And Chris said he is going to get drunk after the test and write mean things on my facebook profile. If he does that I will cry and I don't want to cry because when I do Captain Kat gets impatient and throws bananas at me. He can be very tactless and unfeeling sometimes.

So, please can you email Chris Gayle (at test-cricket-is-over@screwtheaussiesanyway.com) and tell him to keave me alone because I am basically a nice guy. Feel free to threaten him with a bodyslam using your obscenely wide pie hoarding arse. That should scare him into playing nicely.

Love and kisses

Nathan
xxx

P.S. that's Nathan Hauritz ... remember?

On the sixth day of Christmas Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... six dot balls for Mitchy (ie. no pies)

five Ashes test victories
four more runs for Watson
three hungry lions
two selector's scalps
and Hauritz in a pear tree.

That Ritzy Finger (again)

Remember Lords 2009? Remember this:

Now, while this would obviously be a fabulous story to tell the grandchildren (once, the England captain f*cked my spin finger in an Ashes test at Lords), and I'm sure the Lord NMH haters out there had suspicions that this was all deliberate so he could get some notoriety yada yada yada ... not me.

At a time when Ponting and some other team members were pretty down in him, I suspect Lord NMH was simply in need of a way to legitimately give Punter the finger every now and then - and who doesn't wish they had one of those, right?

Think I'm wrong? Well, isn't it a little convenient that, just as Chris Gayle has been giving My Lord the shits and publicly insulting him, that the old Lords injury reappears?

 Huh? Don't doubt my word, people. I'm onto something, I tell you. This guy is not just a pretty face, he knows what he's doing.

Tales from the Homeland

I'm sure you've all worked out by now that Perth is my home town and, with today being the anniversary of my 30th birthday, I have been quite excited about the third test against the West Indies and hoped my jinx effect would be lifted.

It was not to be. I checked first thing on the iphone - Watto still can't count to 100 but otherwise all was good; no Sids but Good King Nate the Invincible's finger seems to have improved enough for him to appear. Not that I had any doubt, of course.

I rushed through my breakfast in bed and turned the tv on just in time to see Captain Kat get caught out for 99 followed not long after by Pup (for 11); when they announed that Ponting's x-rays were all fine and that he planned to return to the crease after North, I thought it was time to switch off before my presence somehow reversed that decision.

So I got in the shower with my new Frank Turner CD blasting (thanks well-trained-but-still-urn-stealing husband) and pretended there was no cricket to think about. It worked. Still only 3 wickets down at stumps and the Muss making a liar of me on 81.

I now have Sky Sports back on in the hope that I have a similar negative effect on England. That's not working either, sadly. South Africa are moving so slow it's painful and Biff's long gone, but a guy called Onions is making quite bizarre appeals for clealy not-out LBWs. I think he must have Australian parents.

And as I write this, another Saffer heads off - this time Hashim Amla for 19 (off 67 balls). It was Faux Aussie Onions who got him. Fat Kallis is here. God help the Saffers.

Australia 339 - 3 at close of play on day 1.
South Africa 51 - 2 as I write this.

On the fifth day of Christmas Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... five Ashes test victories (okay, it's a year early ... but I'm nothing if not optimistic)

four more runs for Watson
Three hungry lions
two selectors scalps
and Hauritz in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... four more runs for Watson

Three hungry lions,
2 selectors scalps
and Hauritz in a pear tree.

Santa Loves All Children, even Ginger Ones

A supermarket in Yorkshire today removed a Christmas card from sale because it said "Santa loves all children, even ginger ones".

 

The complaint that led to the card being withdrawn was anonymous, but it is reported to been sent by email from the following email address: andrew.strauss@urnstealers.co.uk. The complainant expressed clearly that he felt the card should say "Santa loves all children, EXCEPT ginger ones".

As the complainant has chosen to remain anonymous, the cause of the complaint must remain a mystery, but isn't the gentleman looking maliciously over Little Andy's shoulder remarkably like the one on the card?

Chris Gayle is terrified of My Nathan

He was last seen cowering in a corner (wearing socks designed by Flintoff incidentally - read into that what you will) with tears in his eyes saying "I'm not scared of King Nate, really I'm not".

When word leaked to the Australian media, however, he was confronted by a journalist from the West Australian and poor Gayle's pride got the better of him. Claiming My Lord's bowling is no better than his own is a huge insult, since Gayle proved in Brisbane he can barely bat let alone bowl, but My Nathan is not at all concerned.

He doesn't have a good record in Perth, it's true, but now he has his secret doosra ... plus he's planning on putting a pile of red ants in Gayle's box right before he heads out to bat.

On the third day of Christmas, Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... three hungry lions

Two selectors scalps
and Hauritz in a pear tree.

Captain Kat vs. Rockin' Ricky

So Rodney Hogg, that fast bowling Victorian menace of old, thinks Punter should get the boot and Simon Katich should be test captain. The Kat has done what every good boy should do and has said "no, no I don't want it", while licking his lips in secret, no doubt.

Now, I'm not a Punter fan as you know but I always struggle to agree with a Victorian. Katich has been a good captain for NSW and was also impressive at Derbyshire, despite having little to work with, but replacing Punter right now would be disastrous. The young, inexperienced players really look up to Punter - I have no idea why, the guy is a rubbish dancer - but it seems they do.

In the ODIs, both in England and in India, I thought it was evident that the players looked to Ponting to lead. He missed the first couple of matches in England and when he came back - with one hell of a bang, mind - the young 'uns must have had stars in their eyes.

For those who have experience in the 50 over game and are potential test players (Hopes, Ferguson, "clint", Voges), Ponting will be an important figure if and when they get their chance because they have already followed him in ODIs. For current test players who are inexperienced or who are struggling to really cement their place (Watson, Hauritz, White, Bollinger) consistency has to be important. When Hussey retires, which can't be far away, only Ponting and Pup (and to a lesser extent Katich himself) will be the only faces of experience left in the test side.

The media loves to cite the Australians as "being in a transitional phase" because they can't think of a better way to express it. Well, neither can I - we are in a transitional phase and are struggling in the test arena; We need that consistency and leadership and, it pains me to say it, but Punter is the man for the moment.

And then it is going to be Pup, dammit!

On the second day of Christmas Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... 2 selectors scalps (Merve and Hildy)

and Hauritz in a pear tree.

On the first day of Christmas Ricky Ponting gave to me ...

... Hauritz in a pear tree.

Oh, come on! You saw that one coming.

The Spin Factor (auditions with Shane Warne at the MCG next week)

I can't decide if this is for real or not:

Top ways to tell Hauritz he's not good enough - thanks for this Cricket Blitz

But I certainly hope not.

If you want my Lord NMH to know he's not the spinner you want, how about you just tell him. And then call up the K word.

Swines.

We'll get someone tough out here, we'll get a Queenslander!

You know I get bored between cricket matches, so I've been trawling the cricket sites to find something interesting to talk about and I came across this on Page 2 - is it sad that I am so old I remember this?

One damn hot in Chennai, Big AB - the last of the great Queensland cricketers (it got too expensive for Cricket Australia to keep having their second heads surgically removed so they stopped hiring where possible) - kicked a sick and dangerously Dean Jones up the arse and told him to get on with it. Of course, Jones was already somewhere in the 170s, so it's not like he was slacking off or anything, but you didn't dare mess with Captain Grumpy.

Jones went on to 210 before losing his wicket. Who knows what he would've got if he wasn't about ready to collapse?

Bloody Victorians.

OH MY GOD!!

It's kind of exciting and a little wierd - I got nominated for Best New Blog in the cricket Oscars.

Thank you ... whoever ...

  Cricket Website Awards

I told you Little Punter likes to dance

Ponting posted these photos on his facebook page.

He has no one to blame but himself.

Peter Siddle is still alive!

He is telling the world that he has hurt his hamstring, but is so tough he will play at the WACA (wish I was home for Christmas!!); and indeed Cricket Australia have named an unchanged squad for the third and final test against Big Chris's boys.

But has he really hurt his hamstring or did some big West Indian guy beat him up over this ridiculous attempt at a goatee?

Does the word "Edgbaston" ring any bells?

We lost the toss and Gayle chose to bat
Shivy got lucky
Ponting had a tantrum
Benson retired
and a West Indian Aussie made us work damn hard.

Watson cried
Katich choked
and Mussey needed a defribrillator
Ritzy was disappointed
North was absent
and Bolly is yet to get his first test run.

Mitchy's got pies, but somehow got 5 as well
and Suly Benn packed us up and rolled us away

Then Chris Gayle danced
and Bravo flew like a plane
But the Pup's back in town
The Sunshine's gone
And Hads is King again

God damn we were lucky today, she says as memories of Edgbaston 2009 come flooding back ...

And so it's off to Perth for the third and final test - my home town, starts on my birthday; that's got to be good luck, right?

It maybe wasn't a match the half-arsed Aussie fans will relish, but it was truly a gem for the cricket fans out there. Who said Test cricket was dead?

Oh, it was Chris Gayle, wasn't it?

Gayle still kicking on and Johnson loses his pies (again)

When I woke up they were 6 wickets down and Gayle was still kicking on.

I started to steel myself for a draw, thinking it is better than a loss and probably good for the West Indies.

I made a coffee.

Then I looked again. They were 8 wickets down.

Mitchy has 4 wickets and Gayle still hasn't died but at least is pretty much on his own now.

Bolly is also doing alright, but what the hell is this?

According to Crapinfo, that's Bolly being annoyed?!?!

Anyway, things have changed. Now I won't be happy with anything less than a win. And we can do it; we have all day tomorrow to get two wickets and catch about 350.

I want.

Sid's Mum of the Day:
 
"Your Nathan was very lucky with that run-out."

Thoughts of the Day

Disappointment of the day:

Shane Watson going a bit mad with the bat and getting bowled 2nd ball.

Riskiest player of the day:

Jesus Hads, could you stop going for a second run when there ain't one there? A girl's heart can only take so much.

Hads's bitch of the day:

Poor Dougie got yelled at and told what to do, and then got run out with another of Hads's risky calls for a run. 

Interesting commentary of the day:

My Lord being referred to as "a dangerous tail-ender".

Luckiest moment of the day:

Chris Gayle calls for a review on an LBW decision of not out and third umpire agrees with on-field ump. It was clearly, I thought, out.



Old fart of the day:

Mussey made such hard work of his 41, I thought they were going to have to wheel him off.

Best catch of the Day:

Random Aussie guy in the crowd who caught Hads's 6 one handed (the other was holding a beer). Excellent.


Worst collapse of the day:

Once Clarke went, the rest just fell apart.


Well, done to the West Indies. Good day in the field. Can we please get rid of Gayle first thing, though?


P.S. thought you might all be interested to know that my mum, who also loves cricket and is able to watch these tests in real time, has been posting commentary on my facebook profile for me (on the off chance that I am up in the wee hours and cruising facebook rather than watching the cricket)(?). She has started referring to Hauritz as "your Nathan" as in "your Nathan just went for 17 runs".

I love it.

Watto, Watto, Watto ...

The man has been under a lot of pressure: the fans aren't fond of him and he knows Phil Hughes is just waiting for him to fail. I admit I have made fun of Watto's bowling, but I have always felt he was a decent batsman who just needs a bit more time and support. People don't see him as a natural opener, but then the same was once said about Katich and look at him now.

As you probably guessed from my last post, I sat up last night just to watch Watson get his first ever test century.
 
And then this happened:

 

And then we saw this:

He seemed to start moving into slow motion; I wondered if he was crying.

I don't admitting that tears were running down my cheeks.

I'm an emotional girl.

I told you I shouldn't watch test matches

Bowled.

2nd ball.

Bless ya Watto - next time, it's yours.

Not a post about Bradman (again)

I finally watched the highlights of Day 2 in Bradman-land and it did not disappoint.

The West Indies tail enders put up a fight to be proud of, particularly Nash who reminded us that he has (West) Aussie blood in his Mitchy-like lower order stance. And it was Johnson who bowled him to end the W.I. innings - nice ball it was, too.

There were a couple of failed appeals prior to this, which showed a touch of desperation, I thought, but nothing that won't have been allayed by what came after. Bolly rather embarrassed himself with his appeal. He sounded like a real idiot "yeah, I'm sure it carried. I really felt like I caught it, mate" was clear as day on the TV and I cringed, especially since it had obviously fallen well short of him. The ump raised an eyebrow and during the replay even a commentator said "Oh, Bolly!"

And onto to the batting ... what needs to be said? Could we have asked for a better start to the innings? I knew Watto was a qulity opening batsman in the making (I was wrong about his bowling, though). He looked swish and confident out there and is looking to hit 100 in a couple of hours - I'm sitting up (hope I don't jinx him).

But it wasn't as easy as I make it sound, really. There were a couple of close calls - I thought that lbw call against Watson in the first over looked pretty sound; he got lucky there I'd say. Then there was that dive. Without it, Watson was a goner for sure but it certainly caused him some pain. Watson is second in line (after My Lord NMH) for a serious injury - I hope that dive doesn't cause it. I reckon he'll consider it worth it if it does, though.

Ricky loves Shivnarine

Thivnarine, you thwine! You are tho out, honey, you know it. If you don't walk I'll thlap you later, girlfriend.

 Uh, hello? Why is he getting a drink? You can't have drinks when you're out, Shivnarine, Wisden says so - everybody glare at them, now! Yes, even you Aussie drinks guy.

And now everyone turn your backs on them so they know we don't like them, I'll glare over my shoulder at Shivnarine ... jesus, Bolly stop clapping at his arse, you tosser you're embarrassing us all.

Look at me, I'm dancing at you Shivnarine ... and Hads, he's boogeying as well. Pup, you just stand there look mean at him, ok?

I've got Smarties, Benson, Smarties. If I give you one will you give him out? Because, I've gotta tell you I'm losing faith in my bowlers here ... Bolly has become invisible to Chris Gayle, Mitchy's lost his pies and Hauritz has reverted to 4 year old status with that damn zinc on his nose ... we need this mate, come on ... everyone loves Smarties ... I've saved you all the red ones ...

Tales from Bradman-land

Adelaide Oval - one of the prettiest grounds, in Australia at least, and usually favours batsmen so methinks this was an important toss to win. Sadly, despite a recent return to form, Ponting didn't (invites a rush of Ponting-tosser jokes).

So the West Indies looked a bit more confident today; that Gayle should be happy with his 26 is an indication of how poorly they all batted in Brisbane. Aidy Boris only made 3, but there's another innings yet. Probably.

Bravo rallied the Caribbean troops with his 104, which included twelve 4s and one 6. He was bowled by My Lord NMH. Of course.

And speaking of Australia's bowling, from what I saw it wasn't bad. It wasn't great; it wasn't bad. My Lord NMH bowled 22 overs (Ponting may suddenly be a fan, but he still doesn't trust him enough to have a crack at the top order) and took 1 - 85. Mitchy took 1 - 69 and if the online commentary is anything to go by he left the pies in his mummy's handbag again.

Watson is still stunning us all speechless with his bowling ability and then there was Big Dougie B - first test; 15 overs, 2 wickets, 42 runs. He got Chris Gayle and Aidy Boris, which was probably pretty damned important.

As this photo shows, he may look like a character from an 18th C gothic novel, but ... no, that's it. He looks like something from an 18th C gothic novel. With a cricket fetish.

And Bradley Hads has evidently been buying his shorts from the men's department again. I have told him to stick with the kids' sizes, but does he listen?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to text filthy jokes to Nathan Hauritz.

Vijay's Diary

Dear Diary,

Today Mr Dhoni finally let me play cricket with the big boys again. I have been watching them every day sice last time he let me play and last week it was really exciting because Virender, Rahul and Gautum all got 100s when they were batting. That's what I really wanted to do today, but I didn't. I was rubbish. I only got 87 and I lost my wicket when no one else did.

All the big boys laughed at me, especially Virender who got a 100 twice - and might even get a third one. When we were in the change rooms after the game, Virender held me down while Harby and Rahul gave me an atomic wedgie. I went into the toilet and cried. It's not fair.

I went to tell Mr Dhoni about it and he said they weren't making fun because I lost my wicket or because I didn't get 100 but because I lost my wicket at 87, which is the Australian number of death. He thinks that they think that I am cursed.

A few weeks ago a team came over to play with the big boys all the way from Australia. They were so tough they beat up all the big boys even though half of them were sick (except our head prefect, Sachin, who is way the coolest guy ever and who everyone is scared of). They played some big boy cricket back in Australia the other day as well and they got all excited when Nathan - who is so the class nerd - got 50! And I get a wedgie for only getting 87! That's like so not fair.

Anyway, their teacher - mean Mr Ponting - is known to have magic powers. It's true, he does. I mean, think about it: how else does he, like, beat everyone up all the time when he is so tiny? Isn't it? When they were here, I saw mean Mr Ponting sneaking around our hotel in his kiddie-sized spy gear and I reckon he went in and cursed my bat. That is why I only got 87. SO true!

I'm so telling my mum.



from Little Vijay

Things that happened while I was elsewhere ...

Sexy Daniel Vettori got 99 runs and 4 wickets as New Zealand actually won a test match; Shane Bond took 8 wickets over the match but still managed to bore us to tears.

Gambhir, Sehwag and Dravid all racked up an impressive number of runs in Kanpur and Sangakkara mastered the art of stating the obvious: "We were outplayed".

The loss was blamed on Murali being old and the great man pondered retirement

South Africa remembered how to play one day cricket and then promptly forgot again.

Andrew Strauss - a man with all the personality of a pineapple - was nominated for British Sports Personality of the Year.

Graeme Swann - the man with hidden shallows - returned from injury in the 4th ODI against South Africa but didn't actually do anything.

Stuart Broad finally had a shave.

So did Nathan Hauritz.

The Queensland crowd forgave Hauritz for having his second head removed and defecting to NSW; and Punter admitted to the world that he doesn't mind NMH so much these days.

Australia lost yet another bowler to injury.

The review system failed Mitchell Johnson.

Ladybirds walking on the Gabba pitch overtook Chris Gayle as he ran between the wickets.

A West Australian playing for the West Indies showed up to bat against a former house mate and a former school mate. Mitchy and Lord NMH showed no mercy.

Chris Gayle threatened promised to stay on as West Indies captain.

One young West Indian tried to be a giant killer all on his own and broke even Australian hearts as he failed.

And finally ...

Big Dougie B did not run around the Gabba feeding, watering and wiping the brow of My Lord NMH but instead went to Perth and wiped the floor with my Warriors.

Bastard.

P.S. I didn't get the job. Bugger.