Dhoni's notes to Raina, the night before the match against RCB

I put together a few notes for you for tomorrow's match against Bangalore; try to follw them as closely as you can:

• If you're going to throw away a dead-cert win by being generally shit in one match, try and win the next one for heaven's sakes!
• The pitch won't change too much in 20 overs, so it doesn't matter too much if you bat or bowl first. If you win the toss, the trick is to play to your strength. I guess that means it doesn't matter which you choose to do first, because without me you're fairly crap at both.
• When fielding, put players on the boundary who can catch. And remind them to communicate with each other - there's nothing more annoying than an easy catch that's dropped because two fielders didn't talk to one another.
• OK, playing RCB you need to get rid of Kallis early. It's partly because he is a dangerous batsman, but also partly because I play poker with him and he can be so obnoxious. It makes me want to drink myself into oblivion.
• I also can't stand that fake englishman Eoin Morgan - get rid of him early as well. This one's personal. He's not really a threat.
• When Murali bowls, get him to make his scariest possible face - you know, eyes as wide as he can and no blinking - and try to limit that weird jumping he sometimes does when he gets a wicket; he's getting old and he is pretty chubby, we don't need him injuring himself through enthusiasm.
• In the last couple of overs, the batsmen will have nothing to lose and will try to smack everything. Remind the bowlers to watch their length or else everything will get hit for 4 or 6.
• I don't give a toss if Matty's using the mini-mongoose or not, just tell him he needs to get his shit together toot-sweet. Especially if you find yourself chasing 170+. He'll need to hit big and not make any stupid runs that get him run out too early. In fact, tell him to use the full sized mongoose NOT the mini one - it might be the difference between him being safe or not in a potential runout situation.
• Might be worth giving that Tasmanian Bailey a go at #3; he's not me of course, but I kind of like him and if he does alright he might get to go to the Caribbean.
• Be prepared to bat well youself; once Matty goes it will be up to you to make the runs. Once you go, mate, it's all over. Yes, yes ... Badri and Morks will give it their all, but I reckon the task will be near on impossible by the time they're in.
• Lastly, just close your eyes and hope for the best until I get back; and try not to embarrass me any further will you?

Post-match notes:

CSK won the toss and opted to field
RCB got 171-5 and won by 36 runs

Chennai went to their dressing rooms and prayed for Dhoni to come back soon
I tweeted the Paddlesweep