The Dossier

Slipped into Shahid Afridi's hand, by a man in dark glasses and a trenchcoat, the following was later stolen and emailed to me:

Tips on how to beat Australia in the T20 world cup:

• Have someone run into Brett Lee "accidentally". He's only being held together with cellotape at the moment, so it won't take much to break him.
• If Steve Smith is playing, steal his blankie right before the match starts. He can't bowl without it.
• If Nathan Hauritz is playing, you'll be fine - he's expensive as all shit.
• When Michael Clarke is batting, have a photo of some chick naked in a shower and wave it around near him.
• Pay Mitchy's mum to hang around the edge of the field, with a Peppa Pig lunch box calling "yoo hoo, Mitch" occasionally. That should keep Johnson bowling those famous pies.
• When Mussey bats, have someone whisper to him that Dave has baggsed the front seat of the coach for the journey back to the hotel. That should screw up both of them.
• Speak in any language other than English when Haddin is batting and, if relevant, praise Allah a few times in his earshot. That should be enough to set him off - he's not the most broad minded guy.
• It might be tough for some of you, Shahid, but try to refrain from eating the equipment. We all secretly love your antics, but a suspension for ball tampering will not help your side keep this trophy.

And, finally, if you are anywhere near as good as those giants of cricket, Zimbabwe, you can forget all of the above and just show up.