Ponting's letter to Dhoni the night before the match against Rajasthan

Dear M.S,

Since we finished wiping the floor with the Kiwis (again) (except that one T20, but that's because I wasn't there), I am having a break and have been tuning in to watch the IPL. I've noticed your side has, frankly, been shit. OK, that's not completely fair, your batting is strong but apart from Murali the bowling seriously needs kicking up the butt.

Remember when I came to India last year for that one day series? Well, as my bowlers were either injured or Ritzy I was actually in a similar position to you at the moment. So, I thought I'd give you some pointers. You may or may not have read that recently I gave New Zealand some ideas on how they may be less shit and they were well appreciative, because I am a legend and feel I ought to share the depth of my knowledge with as many needy people as I can.

So, here's what I'm thinking for CSK in relation to the match against that fat bastard Warne's lot:

• First, get Dougie B. out there. He's a wierdo who likes to dance about mid-match, but he is a big intimidating fucker and he ain't bad with the ball.
• The toss is important, you want to win it; pay someone if you have to.
• If you win it, choose to bat first. Bat like fuck, get a shitload of runs. You want around 246 or so - this will take the pressure off your crap as all hell bowlers.
• Don't rely too much on Hayden - he ain't that good these days.
• Tell Raina to go mad - he's damn good; he could get a century or more.
• Try not to get out for a duck yourself. I do that a lot and it sucks.
• Remember Morks may sometimes be iffy with the ball, but he's pretty swish with the bat.
• Hope like hell your bowlers can hold the Royals at bay long enough for them to run out of overs before catching you; they may get close, but they won't do quite enough.

If you do all of this, you might just win and one day you might be as good as me. Almost. You have to get the smarmy grin down. It takes practise.

Love and Bunnies,

Rick

Note: CSK managed to take Punter's advice and they won by 23 runs. Punter has given himself a medal for it.

Cheers Paddle.