A Recipe for Ashes Disaster

Ingredients:

1 arrogant, overconfident captain

1 vice captain being lead around by the penis or one who is partying hard every night after a breakup

2 spinners, one barely out of nappies and one whose ability everyone (still) doubts

1 elderly batsman

1 struggling batsman with a young 'un on his tail

2 constantly injured bowlers

1 bowler whose Mummy upsets him

A handful of virtual rookie test bowlers (including an over rated Queenslander)

2 English bowlers on a high after recent tours, one marinated in alcohol if possible

3 or 4 South Africans disguised as Englishmen (always more likely to be successful Down Under)

At least 1 umpire who hates Aussies

A selector who doesn't have a clue (to fuck things up throughout the tour)

Preparation:

Ideally you want to have spent the year preceding the Ashes playing as few tests as possible; those played should be against opposition that will not make the team work too hard. Under no circumstances should tests be played against tough opposition, such as South Africa or India. Stick to sides who have not won a test against you in years; one who is in the process of sacking all its players and/or one whose captain vocally dislikes tests.

Also, you should spend most of the preceding year playing T20 and ODIs and, where possible, have a nice break in April so as many players as possible can go to the IPL and maybe get themselves injured.

Method:

The weather in Brisbane should make it hard not to do well in the first test, especially when 3 of your bowlers and one of your openers hails from that region and will be more used to the heat than the Poms, but you can always send Mitchy's mum in with the drinks - she can nag him on the way through - and hope the QLDers revisit their dislike of Ritzy for decamping to the Blues and start hissing.

From there, Adelaide could go either way and Perth is yours to be lost - the South Africans should help out with that, they've done it before. The locals will never forgive you if you throw the Boxing Day test but Sydney ... well, who knows what will happen in Sydney? It's the ground spinners tend to love, so you might want to throw your wickets away to Swann as often as you can and let Ritzy go to the movies. It worked at the Oval in 2009, didn't it?

To Serve:

Basically, it should be hard to lose the Ashes at home, but remember the English know their test form will never be taken completely seriously until they win the Ashes Down Under - they will be on a mission. If you do consider losing the Ashes again, please take into account those of us who have to put up with the arrogant bastards for the following couple of years until you can return and take the damn thing back again.