All Graeme Swann's fault (obviously)

As you probably already know, My Lord has gone home after being brutally attacked in the streets of Cardiff by Graeme Swann. Or possibly, Swann had Trott and Stuey ... no, not Stuey, he's too girly ... Trott and Bresnan hold Hauritz down while he, Swann, jumped up and down on his foot until it broke. Whatever it was, My Lord's injury is somehow all Graeme Swann's fault. Naturally.

I am not happy, I tell you. Not happy at all. I now strongly suspect all of the following will happen:

• We will lose all 5 ODIs
• Smith will be rubbish
• Swann will be god-like (there's his motive, detective)
• I will go to this tour match at Derbyshire, where Derbys will win and
• Chris Rogers will get yet another double century against his own country and
• it will piss down all afternoon and the second half of the day will be ruined
• I will not meet My Lord because he, of course, has gone home.

All in all, it will be an Aristotelian confluence of events that could only happen to me. I am not happy.

I imagine My Lord is not so chuffed himself, either, to be fair.

But me, me, me.