To: Simon Katich simon.katich@iwouldkickarseascaptain.com.au; Michael Hussey michael.hussey@iamnotatraitorlikekatanddave.com.au; Ricky Ponting ricky.ponting@dwarvesareus.com.au
From: Andrew Hilditch andrew.hilditch@ireallyamthechairmanofselectorsyouknow.com.au
Dear Simon, Ricky and Michael,
I have been chatting with my fellow selectors and we all have some concerns about the Ashes series beginning in November. Basically, you lost to Pakistan. I mean, all out for 88 for fuck's sake?!?! What was up with that?
What is going on with you lot? Watson is being shit with the bat, but if he's taking wickets then you are not playing the best side in the world, are you? North is also proving to be a better bowler than a batsman and that's not good because we need him to be able to bat. And who fucking nick named him "Snorks"? What the hell is that all about?
We don't know if Ritzy will be fit; Smith is ok with the bat but expensive with the ball; Hilfy has taken over from Brett Lee as resident jigsaw puzzle, always in pieces, and we all know Johnson folds like a cheap camping chair when he has to bowl to the English. Add to this the fact that you three are all nearly bloody pensioners. We'll be lucky if you don't all have heart attacks in the heat of Brisbane in the first test.
What the hell are we going to do? England are boring bastards, but they have got a couple of decent batsmen and Swann is their only decent bowler but he can be scary.
Now here's my thoughts and, as the most senior players on the side, I'm going to act as if I want your opinions: we all go to far north Queensland and hide until England go home. Or, we all fake sick at the same time. It will mean England retain the Ashes, but at least we don't get humiliated in the process.
What do you think (let's just pretend we care)?
Love Andrew Hilditch and the C.A. Board of Selectors
Because we can!
12 thoughts on this post:
Why is there nothing in this email about how BradChandChuckBuck Haddin has managed to make himself an international cricketing career when there is a wicket-keeper like Tim Paine in Australia?
I would like North to be in the Ashes squad lol.
Trouble is, you always feel that Kat is more likely to get dropped than the other two and Hilditch probably thinks that everything is fine as the losses are down to 'English conditions' and everyone knows you can't do anything about that so they can ignore that awful, 'can't win an effing series' tour.
Don't worry. Its the English.
Pakistan to whitewash the series, Swann to get locked up for 12 months "as an example" (by a Magistrate who has a Australian bookie) and Flintoff to come back, be given the captaincy (inexplicably) and drunkenly lech at the queen.
Hildy's got some good idea there, Sid. But since it isn't going to happen, I think your lot seriously needs to solve their problems or the Poms will be away with that urn again...which is unacceptable.
Hey Craig and welcome - remember what happened last time Flintoff was made captain? If I'm not mistaken, it was the last Ashes tour in Australia. Oh, they should definitely do that again.
My brother has a yacht he can drunkenly steal - I'll set it up.
@Stani - you know this was written so quickly, I completely forgot about Hads. And what the hell is ChandChuckBuck?
Lou, I don't think we've got past the time Kat was made to wear the scapegoat cap in 2005. He does seem to be getting a bit more respect these days (and did you know Georgie is pregnant?) and people like him so much more than Punter - but yeah, I reckon he'll be out in a flash if we don't win the Ashes back.
North will be in the team, Grey. I want him there as well, but even if he was utter rubbish and no one wanted him there, he still would be. It's quite an organisation we're dealing with here.
Sunny, you're pretty new to the blogging world but let me tell you this - you probably don't want to be around here too much is we do lose the Ashes. I don't take to losing too well.
Just a friendly warning.
Sid,
'YOU' forgot about Hads? Errrm, I thought Hilda wrote this email? Sid? How could you? How could you fool us all?
O! Woops. It's supposed to be BradChadChuckBuck....he's got one of those names init.
Hi
I work with the Barmy Army and saw your post. It will be a great Ashes this year, I can't wait.
If you are off to the Ashes this Winter make sure you get tickets to our Xmas and New Year bashes and bring in 2011 in Barmy Army Style – click here for more information http://tiny.cc/vxb7j
Gulps..now you scared me Sid.
I'd better start praying for your lot then now. Or is it a friendly warning to be taken not too seriously?
I promise to try not to be too mean, Sunny. But I'm not good as losing. At all.
Feel free to come over - if we lose - and say mean things about Shane Watson. That will cheer me up.
@Stani - Hilda always gets me to proof read his emails :-)
Close buddies eh? Close connections to the bourgeoisie have we? I thought you were one of us, the proletariats.
One of you plebs? Not bloody likely.
I know all the right people, me.
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