From: marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au
So, Gray, do I freakin' kick arse or what? Come the Ashes, mate, Ritzy and me are gonna make you cry, sucker.
from Marcus, Lord of Spin
*****
To: marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au
From: graeme.swann@twatsareus.co.uk
To Marcus,
Bring it on , mate. 6 wickets against Pakistan - woo fucking hoo. And Ritzy is going to make me cry? Ritzy? Ritzy couldn't kick make a little girl cry (I know, because he tried with Stuey Broad). Besides, I plan to take
Go back to shitting everywhere, would you. How'd you get a stomach upset ... was it something in those sandwiches at Lord's? I think Johnny Trott helps in the kitchen on his days off and he's not known for his cleanliness.
Gray "Well, they like me in Nottingham" Swann
*****
To: graeme.swann@twatsareus.co.uk
From: marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au
Gray, don't let Little Stevie fool you - behind those chubby cheeks and cute freckles lurks Steve the animal. You should be very afraid. Actually, I often am. He's a nightmare with a bread knife.
And you don't think Ritz can play with a sore foot? Hello! Dislocated finger, torn off thumb nail, remember? I think he might manage, don't you? He's not really injured now anyway, he's just resting up for the Ashes. He's at some place in Derby where an Australian woman rubs his feet and feeds him grapes all day.
And I'll give you just one warning, mate - if I hear that fucking guitar even once when you get to Australia, you'll be suffering some injuries of your own. You will wish you had my stomach bug because trips to the toilet won't so pleasant, you know what I'm saying?
Marcus "Warrior King" North
*****
To: marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au
From: graeme.swann@twatsareus.co.uk
Ooooh, Marcus, I'm terrified. You lot are all so jealous of my musical talent. I heard you and Kat at the annual Lord's karaoke competition last year singing "Especially for You". You were rubbish. Even Kylie and Jason were better and that's saying something. I may be the only bit of spin England has and a crap batsman to boot, but man can I ever do the tunes!
Listen and weep, arsehole.
Gray "I'm bigger than Elvis" Swann
*****
To: graeme.swann@twatsareus.co.uk
From: marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au
Piss off, Loser.
Marcus
*****
To: graeme.swann@twatsareus.co.uk, marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au
From: nathan.hauritz@myfootstillhurts.com
Please stop fighting over me, I love you both equally. Marcus, be nice to Graeme, he has a hard life trying to be like me. Graeme, Marcus might be quite new to this but he is still better than you. You need to accept it. Play nicely, both of you, I will be back soon.
Luvs ya
Nate
xxx
7 thoughts on this post:
Well Sid, I do suppose the natural progression was for you to assume the identity of the Hauritzer.
Oh I heard about your encounter with Stevie Smiff at Derby. Sorry about my absence from the internet these last two weeks, the police take streaking way too seriously these days.
Nice.
Considering how crap North's form is, I'm not sure I'll want him with Mickey Arthur's Warriors for the Summer.
So we might as well let him hang around with the National team.
Another thing, apparently Swann doesn't even go and watch Notts play when he has time off so he isn't at all popular in Nottingham either.
Thank you, Sid; still chuckling. I wondered if Marcus would sledge Mr Swann over his fondness for the grog, but in English cricket that seems to be an employment prerequisite.
Yes, after writing this I saw on the news that Swann had been arrested for drink driving (again).
Really, HT? Every time I meet someone from Nottingham, they seem to love him. Of course we don't get that many Nottingham people in Derby, because it might be just down the road but it's shit.
Lou, he will return to form. I'm sure of it.
Fingers crossed.
Twats are us...yes, I think I would like to shop there.
Heeey, someone reads my careful thought out email addresses - cool!
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