Welcome to HoCIMP

Dear Mr Flintoff,

We at the ICC Hospital for Cricketers in Multiple Pieces (HoCIMP) are pleased to offer you a place at our excellent facility. Here you will experience our full range of activities for permanently injured cricketers, including draughts, yoga, pin-the-scowl-on-the-Punter, pedelow theft, and - our favourite - Rudi bashing.

When you arrive at the facility, please bring yourself and your belongings to our reception and make yourself known, so that we can get you settled in as soon as possible. You will share a small self-contained apartment with another of our long term in-mates patients, a Mr B. Lee.

There is no need to be concerned that your day-to-day life will change - it won't! You can continue your regular activities, such as drinking and knitting socks with your own face on them, when your morning group sessions (to counsel against the illusion that your career can continue) have ended. And further injuries are not an issue, either - all our rooms are padded and you will be given mittens that we tie together when your hands are not in use and one of those flappy-eared hats.

We hope you will be comfortable at HoCimp, but if you aren't we'll just drug you.

Best Wishes,

The ICC Hospital for Cricketers in Multiple Pieces
We care, because no one else does