To: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au
From: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au
Nate,
You've been a bit shit, haven't you? Apart from me, you have only one fan (who is not married to you or related to you) and even she is losing faith. You need to get your shit together and fast. I've pissed off Punter over this Twitter business, I know, but he really made me mad. What the hell was he trying to do to you?
Get it together, mate. My reputation is on the line and so is your place in the Ashes side.
Shane
To: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au
From: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au
Yes,Shane.
To: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au
From: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au
I'm not fucking kidding, mate. I've not only tweeted criticism of the Aussie captain (nearly a capital offence in Australia, as you know) but I have paid Bishen Bedi to call you "brilliant" and have offered to help you prepare for the Ashes. This is because I have faith in you and because I have always said you were good and am afraid I might be wrong. And I just can't be wrong. I'm Shane Warne, dammit!
Now you will do as I fucking tell you.
Shane
To: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au
From: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au
If Ricky says I should, I will Shane.
To: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au
From: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au
What the fuck? "If Ricky says you should"?? What? I fucking say you should. I gave you your baggy green, man. I'm your sire. You will do as I say. I don't think you get how serious this is, Nate. People are invoking the K-word! They are throwing around other names as well, like O'Keefe. O-fucking-Keefe! We have to put a stop to this.
And would it kill you to take a golf club to North's shin? People are claiming North can handle the spin without you. North?!? The last time Punter tried that, we lost the Ashes for fuck sakes. How can people want that again?
I'll be knocking on your door at 6am for a breakfast of raw eggs and a 8k run. Or maybe some bacon and an arm wrestle, but I'll be there - you'd better be ready for me. If you're not, I'll tweet about you as well. My tweets may be generally boring with bad grammar, but people still follow them.
Shane
To: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au
From: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au
Shane? Can we snuggle after? I'll rub your feet ...
Nate
9 comments:
Poor Nafe, he's struggling but I would die laughing if O'Keefe got the nod. Whatever happened to Casson?! I think Aus should go with a four man pace attack, and hand a debut to Dan frickn Christian, thy beloved melon, to bat in place of North.
Dan Christian? If North's going, I want Callum Ferguson in there. No rookies for the Ashes, it is too important.
My Nate is struggling, but he'll be fine on home ground. I'm sure of it. And if they agree to let Warne coach him a bit, he should definitely be ok. He'll be a bit chubbier from all the pies and a whizz at poker, but he should bowl better as well.
I likes Beau Casson. A fine West Aussie boy who ditched us for the Blues. And he has barely played for them since. He did play one test once and I think he got 3 wickets, but then disappeared as Australia went through the list of potential spinners one by one and landed on Hauritz.
I think he may have had some injuries as well. Not sure.
When someone you keep out of the state side gets picked for a Test from a grade team, that's the end...
To be fair, Casson's form fell between his Test, subsequent dropping and the Hauritz call-up, but I really wonder about the people who say McGain didn't get a fair go without mentioning him.
But Sid, why are people so anti-rookie where the Ashes are concerned? Someone please tell me how a rookie who comes in and scores a nervous 20 or 30 is any worse than bloodymikehusseywhocan'tevencatchanymore?
Rookies have to come into the team at some point. Even Punter was one once, don't believe what he says about coming into the team for his first test match with 20 test matches under his belt.
Both the C's - White and Ferguson - have huge advantages in that 1) they have played international cricket with a fair bit of success and 2) this is most important, they are right-handers.
Rookies can come into the team for a test series against any other country, or the Ashes when we are not on the back foot. It's too important. They cetainly shouldn't get the call up before players who have ODI experience.
Why is CA so against White joining the test side? He surely deserves a chance.
Jonathan, didn't McGain also have some injuries that kept him out of the side? He started playing quite late, didn't he? Then I'm sure an injury put him aside for a while and by the time he was fit Hauritz had moved in. Something like that.
Anyway, it was circumstances more than not getting a fair chance I think. The whole spinner issue was quite a mess for a while there and I imagine a few of the players felt they weren't given a fair chance, Casson among them. And it isn't really solved but I do believe they've landed on the best option for now.
Most importantly, I think, the Aussies seem to be over this desire to compare everyone to Shane Warne. Our chances of landing another one of them are pretty slim.
For all that is bright and beautiful I really hope you never get another Shane Warne.
Or if you do, he's got an English Great Auntie and we can press gang him
I would love another Shane Warne. But then I'd love another version of the 2001 Ashes side ... neither are likely to happen, I'm afraid.
Sid, fear not I know they would never give a debut to the melon, it was just a joke but I would honestly streak if they did actually pick him.
As for Bryce, he was meant to go on tour to India but got injured and either had to stay at home or fly straight back before the series started, thus handing a debut to... well, you know the person I mean...
I agree on the Ferg front. For me he must be Mussey's successor, with next winter/ Aussie summer being his debut, as firstly Mussey will have been retired by then, plus Callum would have had another year in the Sheffield Shield to score tons of runs.
You know, I read somewhere that Hauritz might not play at the Gabba - not because they will go with another spinner but because they might not use a spinner at all. I would hate that, but if they win the test I would consider forgiving them.
Stani, would I have to be your bitch for a week if the above does happen?
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