Five ways to ensure Ashes victory

1. Injure Graeme Swann - taking an instrument of torture to his ankles is probably best, but if all else fails try to injure his massive ego - organise some cats to testify to his cruelty or announce to the Australian press that he is drunk after one white win spritzer. They'll hang him out to dry.

2. Keep an eye on Stuart Broad - she likes to fondle the ball with those pedicured toenails - and remind her at every opportunity that she is an idiot. Don't be too loud about it, though, or she'll have her daddy come and sort you out.

3. The kookaburra ball - they've been practising with it too much, let's have our boys switch the match ball to a large stone painted red.

4. Introduce Strauss to some women - none have ever spoken to him before (because he has no personality or conversation skills), so it'll be a shock to the system that will last the summer through.

5. Laxatives - if all else fails, a quality "stomach bug" courtesy, in theory at least, of all that rich Australian cuisine. If you can't get into the England dressing room, email sidisworried@ohmygodweregoingtoloseathome.com.au for a list of participating restaurants in the Brisbane area.

And let's not forget how well those death threats can work ...