Ball biting; Rugby tackling and an exhausting finish ... is it really over?

A final match
A captain new
the Stanis won the toss

Punter's boys
were stuck in the field
They'd have to blame the boss

With the series in the bag
The Aussies were settled
Some known faces were rightly rested

But Mitchy was back
and heading the attack
The Stani batsmen were tested

Akmal's green lips
and some athletics in the field
kept the Stani's moving slow

But a little tough batting
helped them past 200
though the total was still fairly low

So the Aussies were happy
as Warrior Shaunie
and Hads stepped on out to bat

They started aggressive
and were looking strong
though the Stani fielding did help with that

Hads went quick
and the skipper stepped in
he surely had summit to prove

But the middle order fell
much quicker than expected
so the lower order men had to move

Mitchy started swish
but didn't last long
My Lord was (obviously) God like

But all in all
we were pretty shit
and lucky the Stani batters had been plod-like :-)

As Mitchy went
My Lord stepped up
and Afridi snacked on the ball

Thank God he was seen
and the ball was changed
what he was thinking is anyone's call

My Lord was disappointed
not to be there at the end
but Mr Cricket brought us through

A dramatic finish
a rugby tackle
but 5 - 0? ... meh, it'll do ...

And can I just say that watching My lord bowl while Gilly's voice was on the commentary was just about too much for this little soul. Fortunately, soon after I saw a very bad advert for treating hair loss that had Shane Warne in it and I was brought back down to earth with a thud.

You call that ball tampering, Stuey? Check this ...

I'm stunned. I can't think what to write!

absolutely unbelievable!

Tight win, though, huh? And how about that pitch invasion?

Bloody West Aussies ... who'd have em??

Sids should never have had a day off

The facial hair has just gone wild ... he looks like he's had too much Hahn, or whatever shit beer the dodgy Vics like to drink, and really needs a shower. I can't believe I'm saying this, but it makes me long for the days of the stupid little goatee.

He is looking a bit scary all round, isn't he? Could he be worried about his place in the ODI side? We have now got Super Ry the Not Jimmeh - who so stole My Lord's rightful title of Man of the Match today - Jimmeh is fit again and what happens if Lee makes a comeback?

I think Sids's bowling - like My Lord's and Mitchy's - can go up and down in big waves, but he doesn't the batting skill to back up such lulls. Should he start working hard with a bat to claim a more permanent spot, do you think?

Mitchy is sent off to have a haircut after all ... and My Lord kicks some batting arse!

So no Mitchy after all (I reckon Punter had had enough of that hair as well), but Jimmeh was back so that's good.

I woke up to see Australia at 190 - 6 at roughly 40 overs and the scorecard looking pretty damn anaemic.

And then came King Nate, like an arse-kicking bat-wielding messiah, who raced off to 50 with a bevy of sixes leaving even the Muss's head spinning; they called for the batting powerplay at 44 overs but the Muss didn't seem to know what the hell that meant (his memory is lagging with age). At least My Nathan was there to show him, huh?

Muss finally went for 67 at the end of the 49th and Punter moved Ry the Not Jimmeh up the order so he'd get a bat; he was looking for a career high of 8, but it was not to be. Ry played in true lower order batsman form and swung like a monkey at everything - he went for 4 and out came "clint" for the last few balls.

When it was all done, Australia had managed to put together 277. My Lord not out on 53.

I reckon it could go either way.

Mitchy's back ...

And he still hasn't had a haircut!

Dammit, Mitchy. I'm gonna tell your mum.

So, Twatto will be popping up to have a cuppa and some tim tams with me mum, since he's having a day off; she has asked him - politely - to not bring Dougie with him, though. Dougie is also having a day off, but he frightens the cat and can be a tad light-fingered. Last time he was there, a pack of dominoes went mysteriously missing ...

No surprises in the batting line up. Jimmeh was with the squad training at the WACA today, but I'm pretty sure Ry the Not Jimmeh will play again ... so will Sids be back or will we see some Jimmeh finally?

Crapinfo's "possible" looks like this:

1 Shaun Marsh, 2 Brad Haddin (wk), 3 Ricky Ponting (capt), 4 Michael Clarke, 5 Cameron White, 6 Michael Hussey, 7 James Hopes, 8 Mitchell Johnson, 9 Nathan Hauritz, 10 Ryan Harris, 11 Clint McKay.

I'd like to see Hads at 5; Mitchy at 2 and Jimmeh at 8.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not starting a campaign for Mitchy as an opener - Watto has well and truly cemented himself and I like having Mitchy, who is swish with a bat, lower down the script - but he has expressed an interest in trying his hand as an opener; Watto is eating tim tams and we do already have two bowlers who are pretty strong batsmen down the order. So why not shake things up a little? What have we got to lose? Punter wants to win the series, well aren't our long term prospects more important that Punter's reputation as a one-day captain? I say let Mitchy have a go; if he's shit - so what?

Shaunie is on home ground and the locals will be wanting to see big things from him tomorrow - let's hope he doesn't disappoint. There must be a fair bit of pressure when the ground your playing at has a stand named after your family. If he was to open with Mitchy, he would find himself the leader of the two openers and that should help his confidence surely?

Well, I'm sure Punter won't listen to me. He rarely does. But we shall what happens on the morrow ...

Visiting the Paddle Sweep

Just for today, I am a guest blogger over at Paddle Sweep. I have no idea why, really - I have enough trouble coming up with idea for my own blog let alone someone else's - but I suspect this post doesn't offend enough people to go on here.

The only people who may be offended are the Stanis, since the post is (unsurprisingly) all about the Australians, and Diane Hauritz. But I always aim to offend her, so that's fine.

Series won, we rock at ODIs ... blah blah blah ... so what else has gone on?

Some other stuff that's happened in the world of cricket recently:

India put Bangladesh on a rack and summarily beat them for daring to play test cricket.

I discovered that Siddique is damn sexy and think the Indians should have more respect.

Graeme Smith got careless and misplaced both his coach and his selection panel right before a test series against India in India. Pretty shite timing, Biff.

In case you missed it (I was trying to shield you from the pain but have decided that if I have to suffer, so do you), the Bloody Vics won the Big Bash. You can laugh at me now, but you'll all have to see them in the CLT20 again later this year and the pain won't be lessened by the appearance of the Blues this time. It'll be Graham Manou and the South Australians instead.

Teutonic thug with dodgy elbows Cam White hinted that he could be the next Shane Warne and, thankfully, was ignored. And then Punter held him down while My Lord bit his middle finger and tore his thumbnail, so he'd know what it's really like to be a spinner.

I paid Pup a wad of cash to poison the people of Brisbane. He owes me some money because they are all still standing (including Ry the Not-Jimmeh).

In the U-19 world cup, Aussie captain Mitchy Junior got 97 as they beat Sri Lanka on their way to the final. They will play Pakistan in the final on Saturday.

And finally, I discovered the following things about my new love, the Deccan Chargers:

• Along with Gilly and Fisherman Roy, the Chargers also have Ry the Not-Jimmeh, Hershy, Scotty Styris and Dwayne Smith.
• They are coached by former Aussie batsman, racist git and South Aussie legend Darren Lehman.
• They will play the first match of the IPL, on March 12, against Punter's former side KKR.
• And - and this is the most exciting bit - that they have a team anthem, which I can sing very loudly every time that woman comes into the library. It's very catchy, have a listen here: 

Go, chargers; go, chargers

And in a slightly different, and possibly more disturbing, turn of events, analytics informed me that someone came across my blog by googling "chris broad children" and quite a few people came across it by googling "naked brett lee".

Make of that what you will.

Who the hell is Ryan Harris anyway?

Who knows, but jeez Punter's impressed with him, huh? Don't bend over, Ry.

And where the hell is my Jimmeh?? If we're using random QLD bowlers (and resting Sids), why not Jimmeh?

Nah, I can't complain - Harris did good; think it was only his second ODI (feel free to correct me) and he did all right. Still looking forward to having Jimmeh back as more than 12th man, though.

Not too much to complain about today, really, is there? Clarke and Shaunie looking superb, as were Cammie (Just because I'm a big, teutonic Vic and my elbows don't work don't call me a thug) White and The Muss. Was it just me, or did they look like they'd been told to just smack it about out there? They all looked like they were playing pretty risky to me. There was some pretty rough Stani fielding going on, so they got away with quite a bit.

And then came Ry the not-Jimmeh, who took 5, and "clint", who took 3 (although the Salman Butt wicket was totally off). Bolly, despite his usual ritual of crossing himself and kissing his crucifix (notice the commentators never make fun of that the way did Butt kissing the ground last week), was smacked about from ball 1 and got no wickets. My Lord and Twatto managed just one apiece as well. The Stanis do like to smack My Nails Muffin about a bit don't they? It's quite rude.

Anyway, the deed was done. Maybe not the most comprehensive of victories but the series is won. And maybe now is a good opportunity for Jimmeh to make his after-injury comeback, or perhaps we will see one or two more new faces.

So we're off to Perth again now where Mitchy will rejoin the gang and maybe My Lord will get a wee rest this time? If he does, he should pop up and visit my Mum in Two Rocks - she'll make him a cuppa.

ODI mark 3 looking all right thus far ...

... Warrior Shaunie kicked some arse and so did Pup (Lara will be nice to him tonight).


But I have to run off to work so I'll just leave you with this, from ODI mark 2, to tide you over:

My elbows don't work - I'm a Victorian ...

(it's a dodgy Vic gene)

Any thoughts on the body language there with Twatto and Sids?

Saddle up, mofos! I'm all about the IPL - as of Saturday.

On Saturday, a woman of Indian descent came into my work. She was not being served by me and was actually at the far end of the ounter to me. I was talking to a colleagues who has been trying to get me enthused about the IPL. I had just made the decision, based on my adoration of Adam Gilchrist, to support Deccan Chargers - although probably only half-heartedly, to be fair.

"It's all about Gilchrist" I said to colleague.

This woman - who B-T-W was eavesdropping - scoffed. She bloody scoffed!

"Cricket is so not all about Gilchrist" she said.

Naturally, my back went right up.

"Nah" I said, "it's about Ponting, Clarke, Johnson, Lee, Hussey, White (Bloody Vic) and Siddle ... but the IPL will be all about Gilchrist."

She mumbled something about me being racist and huffed off.

So that's done it for me now - from now on, I'm all about the Deccan Chargers and the IPL; I'm getting the hat, the t-shirt goddamit and I hope she comes in the library so I can WHOOP loudly every time Gilly so much as farts. I'm gonna make a Gilly face mask and do cartwheel across the freakin' library floor every time he gets a run! I might even do it topless!

She's got under my skin and I'm going to have some fun with it.

So, let's start the insanity ...

Things that happened while I was asleep ...

Yousuf won the toss and gave Punter exactly what he wanted (is he the only person in the world who doesn't know Ponting always likes to bat first?).

Twatto impressed with the bat, getting 69 and looking damn sweet about it.

Warrior Shaunie finally made his mark in the ODI side (His wee bro, Mitchy Jnr, captained the Aussie U-19s to Victory against the Dodgy Kiwis as well).

Bloody Vic Cammie was stylish again with his 55 and everyone else in the top order was pretty steady; Ponting with 13, The Muss with 29, Braddin with 27 and Clarke with 25. 267 maybe not a killer total, but pretty damn defendable (if you're not playing India).

So in came the bowlers and starting cleaning up - they had some pride to salvage after the Gabba. Bolly was the star who took early wickets and left the Stanis at 7 - 2 by the end of the 5th over. The wickets continued to fall to a slick looking bowling attack (that didn't yet include My Lord Nails Muffin Hauritz but did include a Twatto who was willing to take out his team mates rugby style in order to get a catch) and when I woke up the Stanis were at 45 - 5.

Not long after in came My Lord and isn't the body language just so different from 6 months ago? There's no more talking, furrow-browed with Punter for 5 mins before he even touches the ball; these days he just walks in, moves the fielders around as he sees fit and gets on with it - and has his first ball smacked for 6 (It was almost caught by an Aussie dad in the stand, but I doubt it would have counted anyway). There's something very touchably sexy about this new, uber-confident Ritzy.

By now we were so obviously going to win that My Lord's first wicket barely rated a reaction; he got smacked once or twice but all in all bowled pretty impressively. Clarkey stepped up for a go with the ball and got a wicket, but the lads were pissing about so much they didn't even notice. It didn't really matter, we had it in the bag.

You could smell the confidence out there and the atmosphere at the SCG must have been brilliant. Let's hope we can continue the winning streak at Adelaide on Tuesday. It'll make up for the pain of the Bloody Vics having won the Big Bash.

Leavin' off the Vics for a little while

You may be a Bloody Victorian, Mr White, but I want to marry you and have your babies!

Goddam that was close ... but thanks largely to White's 105, the deed was done and the Aussies came out on top.

White: A classic batsman or a middle order thug?

So when do we get to see White in whites, do you think?

Now, if I'm leaving off the Bloody Vics for a little while that's fine (is a day enough?), but please don't make me stop making fun of Shane Warne ... it's so much fun ...

This is not good

Got up not long after the Stanis had finished batting, leaving us 275 to chase. Not a bad figure at all, but I was confident we could catch it.

Of course, Twatto went early (no surprises there), Shaunie did his best but is yet to impress at this level, bless him and Ponting has just gone - so we are 3 wickets down for less than 100 and the required run rate is over 6.

The Stani bowlers are looking slick.

Bugger.

Is it time to pray yet?

Quotes that weren't Quoted (but probably should've been)

"Honest, Dad, I wasn't. I just thought I'd break a nail if I used my hand."
Stuart Broad on the phone to Chris Broad.

"Although we've known for months that you can't commit to all the matches, we decided just now that that is not good enough we we're letting you go. What? The auction is tomorrow and now you can't take part? Oops, sorry."
Kolkata Knight Riders board to Ricky Ponting

"Check me, Watto, you loser. I can bowl and bat better than you."
Simon Katich to Shane Watson

"I went on a diet. It meant cutting out the pies but it was worth it."
Graeme Smith to the BBC

"I should go on a diet, but it will mean cutting out the pies and that isn't worth it."
Shane Warne to the Sydney Morning Herald

"Can someone turn the volume all the way down on that thing, please? The Powerpuff Girls is coming on."
Daryl Harper to whoever works with him up there

"I'm way too good a player to bother with Bangladesh"
Andrew Strauss to Cricinfo

"I'm glad the captaincy didn't go to KP because he is a stupid bastard."
Paul Collingwood to Andrew Strauss

"Duh?"
KP to everyone

"When this series is over, Salman, I'm going to put you on a spit and slow roast you over an open fire."
Mohammed Yousuf to Salman Butt

And my personal favourite:

"And the manof the series is ... Nathan Hauritz."
Whoever gives these things out ... to the world!

Conversations with Fat People

Scene: Sydney, January 2010; morning of the 5th day of the 2nd test against Pakistan; Australia are on the verge of losing.

Our much maligned spinner (have you noticed this is the media's favourite line now - much maligned? hehehe ...), Nathan Hauritz, hovers nervously in the Aussie locker room painfully aware that the pressure is on him to salvage a little pride for his team ... and then a fat man appears ...

Been curious about how that little conversation went? Well wonder no more ...

Shane: Right, here's the deal Nathe - you need to bowl your arse off out there today.

Nathan: Yes, I know that. That arsewipe Hilditch has been at me all week.

Shane: truth is, you've all been pretty useless in this test - batsmen especially - and it's probably lost, but if you can get a few wickets and make it quite close, that would go a long way to protecting your place in this side.

Nathan: Seriously Shane, have you come here just to state the fucking obvious or what?

Shane: No, I've come to tell you that you owe me - I've put my neck out defending you for a good year now and you've not really come good on the test scene. You wouldn't have been on that Ashes tour if it weren't for me.

Nathan: yes, Shane, thank you ... you do like to go on about it, though, don't you fatty?

Shane: yeah, well, whatever ... see I've been thinking: the fans and the media have been at me to make a comeback for a while and now the PM has told me it's my responsibility to return to the game, so I've decided that if you don't get your shit together this series I'm doing it.

Nathan: you're ... WHAT?

Shane: I'm coming back.

Nathan: You've got to be kidding me.

Shane: I'm not.

Nathan: Mate, you're as fat as the side of a house; you eat pies for fucking breakfast and you just about pull a muscle playing your bullshit poker ... how do you think you're going to play cricket again?

Shane: If that pensioner Hussey can do it, why can't I?

Nathan: because he's not a fat bastard and he has been in training constantly ... your current exercise regime consists of little more than lifting your wallet to pay for beer and chips.

Shane: It'll take a little work, yes, but I'm a better spinner than you any day ... I have natural talent ...

Nathan: Fuck off! That's it, I'm getting a 5-for in this innings ... we're gonna win, dammit! No way am I letting you nick my place on this side. I've put up with too much shit on facebook for that!

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Ponting picks up yet another tacky as shit trophy

This is ... erm ... great ... Rhianna's gonna kill me for bringing this one home.

Clarkey, Clarkey, come here ... come here, arsehole, I've got something to tell you ...

 

... I'm the fucking captain around here and don't you forget it. Get out soon, I don't want to be shown up.

That's it, just pretend to be mates ... but you're getting out soon, yes?

 

Bugger! I'll never be captain if I can't get more than Punter.

Check me - I can bat, I can bowl, I kick arse in the field; Piss Pup off, I want to be captain.

 

You reckon you can be Captain? Jeez, you're getting a bit thin on top, mate ... we need a captain with hair ...

Yes, Northy, that's brilliant - bloody brilliant, hahahahaha ... if you don't start making more runs mate, we're getting Cam White in, ok? ok.

Uh, Rick? The West Aussies are at me again, mate ... it's getting embarrassing, now, can we lose them please? They're both shit anyway. I'm the leading wicket taker, I don't need this.

 

You slagging me off in the media now, Punter? Hey? Nah, thought not arsehole. Captain Kat never gives me that sort of shit.

Stand back, Salman, leading wicket taker here ... hey maybe I can be captain?

Right guys, I'm sick of being on the edge of these photos - I'm getting right in the middle this time ... leading wicket taker coming right through ... right on top of Watto ... that'll teach you for nicking my Man of the Series title.

ŏŏŏŏŏ

I had a bad night ... was convinced we would end up with a draw, but thankfully it didn't happen. It's been a good weekend: Australia took the series 3-0, the Aussies finally remembered what a century is and My Lord was the leading wicket taker in the series.  Just in case you missed that.

Oh, and the Saffas managed to win a match against England ... what's going on there? At least a series draw is better than a loss. But what kind of a crap team would lose to England?

Oh yeah ...

Conspiracy on Twitter! aka The Harper files

To anyone who was listening to Test Match Sofa commentary yesterday on the England v South Africa match and heard the response to my "tweet" - I did not defend Daryl Harper but merely commented at the absence of such a facebook campaign against Rudi during the Ashes series last summer.

It's true that Koertzen didn't have the benefit if the review system, but he was still shit.

I do think Harper cocked up in a big way.

If you haven't done so already, check out The Skiver's interview with the villain himself at Cricket with Balls.

Having said that, of course, how can you not like this: Page 2?

Well done Saffas on the win!

Campaign to put Purna on the Smack List

Evil Purna, over at Cricket Minded has been added to my smack list as she took the piss out of My Lord NMH. Such things are not on.

Uunless I do it of course.

While I do agree that the gentleman in question is a muffin, and did in fact give her the very fuel with which to spark the fire, she was just plain disrespectful.

And so were the Pakistani batsmen.

How rude.

Letter found in the SCG rubbish last Thursday

6th January 2010

Dear Rick,

Your mother and I have been watching this and the last test series and ... well, to be honest, you've been rubbish and we've about had enough. We have spent a small fortune on cricket crap over the years; more money than on your brothers and sisters combined in fact. It has not been cheap. And let's not forget all those wasted weekends, the countless hours sitting around in the sun watching you stand out in the middle of a blazing hot oval seemingly doing shit all.

We did it all because you are our son and because we believed in you; of course we were over the moon when you were made captain of the Australian team. But lately you have been shit - you've lost the ashes twice for heaven's sakes and you might be "the most winnningest captain ever" (whatever that means) but you haven't really been doing the work yourself, have you? Quite the opposite in Sydney, actually, and what the hell was with all those fucking dropped catches?

Everyone knows that you are only still test captain because there really isn't anyone else (although your mum thinks Katich should get a go). This "player of the decade" business is just bullshit - it obviously should have gone to Sachin Tendulkar.

So here is what we've decided - we are coming down to Hobart for the third test and if you don't play well we are going to cut you off. Get your act together, or you're out. We've had it with you. We have 3 other children to be getting on with, we can do without you.

Cheerio. Kiss from Mum.

See you Thursday.

from Dad

P.S. got that cheque sent off to Daryl Harper in Johannesburg as you asked. Hope it reaches him in time.

the Angy Little Dwarf scares the Stanis away

Have you ever noticed how as soon as I take the piss out of someone's game they start doing really well?

• I said "clint" wasn't good enough to be in the ODI side in India - he bowled well
• I made fun of Twatto never making that century - he did it
• I finally let loose and started to take the piss out of My Lord, implying via a Captain Kat "email" that he is a crap bowler - he responded by taking two 5 wicket hauls

Never was this more true than with Angry little Dwarf. No one has had the piss taken out of them more around here than Punter but I'm pretty sure I've never actually taken the piss out of his game until Wednesday. My claim that Punter wouldn't get beyond 30 in either innings was a touch off.

Just a touch, though.

Australia 519-8d

Pakistan 94/4 at the close of Day 2

(and, just in case you missed it, England were all out for 180 at the Wanderers ... hehehe)

Would I be sounding too much like Punter if I say we have just about got this one wrapped up?

Shaunie, Jimmy and Ads are back

The team for the 5 ODIs v the Stanis has been announced. Poor Mitchy is having a wee rest, because he works so hard and his hair is getting heavy, but we will see the return of Jimmy Hopes for the Brisbane match.

The full team is:

Twatto (Blues)
Shaunie (Warriors T20 Champions)
Mean Little Dwarf (Tassie)
The Muss (Warriors T20 Champions)
Mr Bingle (Blues)
Bloody Victorian Cammie White
Hads the Redneck (Blues)
Jimmy (Bulls T20 runners up) - for the Brissy match only
Ads (Warriors T20 Champions) - for the Sydney match only
My Blessed Lord Nate the Invincible (Blues)
Bloody Victorian "clint"
Bloody Victorian Sids
Big Dougie B (Blues)

A few too many Vics for me, but I am pleased to see Cammie back to be honest.

Don't tell anyone I said that.

Test 3.0 - some things that might happen in the course of the 5 days (but probably won't)

We have test number 3 to come on Thursday and the Aussies are, naturally, hoping for a clean sweep of the series. Here are some of the things we may see from the Aussies in the course of the match at Hobart:

• Ponting either losing the toss OR winning the toss and opting to bat, not because he thinks it is the best option but because his vocabulary is not yet sophisticated enough to accomodate 4 letter words.
• Captain Kat returning to the side, thus signalling the absence of spotty little Phil.
• Captain Kat sporting a whopping great elbow dressing.
• Twatto either going for a duck OR getting out on 99. Both innings.
• Good King Nate getting only one wicket per innings, generally being smacked around the park and Aussie fans magically forgetting his performance in the first 2 tests and calling for him to be dropped. Again.
  
• Lord Marcus dispelling all rumours about him being crap by getting a century.
• Mussey dispelling all rumours about him being still pretty good by going for 2 in the first innings and 5 in the second.
• Sids scaring the living shit out of small children and nervous persons in the crowd just by looking at them.
• Mitchy returning to pie-chucking form, but still getting the most wickets (for the most runs and with the most no-balls)
• Bolly dancing.
• Bolly getting 3 wickets per innings.
• Sids getting 1, inspiring talk of Sids being dropped for Bracks in the ODIs.
• Ponting not getting past 30 in either innings, but being better in the field.
• Fans calling for Ponting to stand down as captain. Until we win. Then we will hear fans calling him a hero.
• Pup not allowing a nightwatchman to come in before him despite the time.
• Pup being upstaged by Mitchy with the bat and deciding to have a bowl in order to salvage some pride
  
• Hads racially abusing a Stani bowler
• Hads racially abusing an umpire
• Hads racially abusing the crowd
• Mitchy being man of the match

 Let's see how many I get right ...

Dear Fatty

Hey Shane,

Just because you're a match-fixing, pie-eating, shagging-anything-that-moves fat bastard who was washed up by the age of 35 don't assume the same of me. I got 134 not out. Fucking eat that.

Mike

¤¤¤¤¤

Dear Mike or Dave or whichever fucking Hussey you are,

You got lucky, you decrepit old git. The sooner they replace you, the better. After all, a batsman is supposed to be able to bat, you know. If you play in the next Ashes series, I'll make a comeback in the test series that follows. I'm going to email Big Merve and Twat Hildy every day about dropping you.

And if you think you'll be joining me in the Poker Ashes, you can piss off. We like to play with people who have personality.

Shane

¤¤¤¤¤

Listen up, Fatty

You may be a minor celebrity in the UK, where the only spinner they have is A git with a pear shaped head, but over here - where there are plenty of real cricketers to choose from - people don't give a shit what you think. As if Merve and Hildy would listen to you. And don't assume that just because that moron we call a Prime Minister wants you to make a comeback, we all do - as if Australia would ever want you back you fat fuck. Stick to playing poker, arsehole.

Mike ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FOUR

REMEMBER?

¤¤¤¤¤

To Sir Boring Old Fart,

At least I have personality enough to go on TV; when you retire, the best you can hope for is a job shaving Katich's back and whitening Mitchy's teeth. You make Andrew Strauss look like a stand up comedian. And I may have put a little weigh on since I retired, but I'm still the best cricketer in my family - unlike you. Even Mitchy's a better batsman than you and he's a bowler!

Shane God of Bowlers Warne

¤¤¤¤¤

To Fat Bastard,

Get over the fact that there are more West Aussies in the Australian side that Victorians and admit you were wrong already - I am years from retirement. Because I'm thin, fit, energetic and healthy. You don't even know what those words mean.

And I'm much better than Dave. Mummy always said so.

Mike Western Australian Legend Hussey

¤¤¤¤¤

You might be a legend in Western Australia mate (although even that's doubtful), but the rest of the cricketing world will forget you in a day. Retire already you old fart!

Shane.

¤¤¤¤¤

Fuck off, Fatty.

Mike

Little Andy and Big Gray ...

Little Andy and Big Gray - each with a team of mates for support - were playing marbles at lunchtime in the school yard; Big Gray was slowly gaining all of Little Andy's marbles.

G: I'm gonna win! I'm gonna win!
A: Yeah probably, but it's not over yet.
G: I'm gonna win!
A: Shut up, you fat bastard.

The game continues; Little Andy has only a few marbles left, but he's holding onto them for dear life.

G: Hey! I think you're cheating. I should have won by now.
A: How am I cheating?
G:Your little girlfriend there fondled one of my marbles with her Manolos - she can't do that.
A: She didn't damage it. Plus, it was rolling away and she was getting it for you. She was too damn lazy to bend down and pick it up properly.
G: hhhmmm ... maybe.

The Game continues. Little Andy still has not lost any more marbles.

G: Hey! I think you're cheating. I should have won by now.
A: How am I cheating?
G: Jimmy the Lancastrian grabbed one of my marbles and was picking at it.
A: It was covered in mud and soil; he was just cleaning it for you.
G: hhhmmm ... maybe.

Finally, the lunch bell goes. Andy has now only 1 marble left.

A: Ha! That's a draw!
G: How is that a draw? I kicked your arse.
A: You have to get all my marbles to win and you didn't. It's a draw. Eat it, Fatty.
G: But you cheated!
A: Go tell that to a teacher if you think so.
G: Nah, that would make too much sense. I'll just tell everyone else instead. I'll tell the big kids and they'll come beat you up ... hey big kids: Chris, Yousuf, Mahendra, Shakib, Dan ... not, not you Rick. I said "big" kids ...
A: That's not fair ... I'm going to cry and tell my mum ...

Damn you Saffas for not winning; Purna those lions are ready, yes?

You know it's a great game when you're watching the highlights, you know the result, but you're still biting your fingernails!

Man, what a match - can't believe I was asleep through it all!

Did anyone see Mark Taylor interview Punter afterwards?

Taylor (with a cheeky smirk): Last time I spoke to you was, I think, just after the toss and I'm sure we both agreed that you got it exactly right.

Ponting (with a smarmy smirk): Well, I have now.

No way, PRicky! Don't you dare try and take credit for this win. You did NOT get it right. You got it wrong, so very very wrong. And your arse was saved by a near-retired batsman and a couple of your "inexperienced" bowlers.

Git.

And I saw you ... yes, you ... you treacherous bastards, on your feet dancing with excitement as wickets tumbled for My Lord; you, who not seven months ago slagged off the selectors for calling him up for the Ashes tour ... May the Lord Nathan cast down fire and brimstone upon you and may you forever more be cursed with a slightly itchy skin disease and the sour taste of over-ripe grapefruit in your mouth ... for he may have a dodgy thumb on the edge of his hand, but truly it is you who have revealed the dodgy thumb on your souls ...

oh ... did I get all black arts on you again? Sorry. I have to stop doing that.

Miracle at the SCG

Mussey got a century.

My Lord got 5 again (despite injuring his finger - again)

And Punter was so relieved he did this:

Thank God for you two, thank God! Of course, if you hadn't done well, you were taking the blame for the loss you know ...

I can't believe I slept through it all.

My new sponsor - Dartboard Decorations

I always swore I was never going to do this, but since I do a great deal of my blogging at work it's only a matter of time before I get fired. When that happens, I'll be relying on you lot to keep me in Sky TV, internet access and food (or, possibly, beer and Lars Frederiksen CDs).

So here's a little spiel I was asked to copy and paste from www.dartboarddecorations.com:

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Are you getting bored with darts? Still using that plain and embarrassing old dartboard?

Ashamed when your mates come round?

Bloody hell, I would be.

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or this?

We have a huge selection of target faces to choose from, ranging from the ever popular Andrew Strauss and Graem Swann ($500.00 each) right down to Shane Watson and Mike Hussey ($1.50 each), for those days when the frustration of watching a lump of wood or a pensioner with a bat just gets too much (because who hasn't been there?).

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For that little cheat in you, try putting your mates off their game by blinding them with our Herschelle Gibbs Shirtless or Nathan Hauritz in Shorts targets; or to be really cruel,

this:

(use with caution, can cause epilectic fits)

This week only we are offering the 
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More Mitchy than we can Handle

Some slightly better news ... apart from the Saffas kicking some lion-feed-England arse out there ... (which totally freakin' rocks)

Who needs Chris Gayle? The Warriors kicked some serious Blues arse in KFC Big Bash today and Gayle was nowhere in sight.

The heroes of the day are the Marsh Brothers, Shauny - who you may know - and Pseudo Mitchy - who you may not.

Acting captain Adam Voges had to sit back and wait while Shauny took on the NSW bowling (alongside T20 debut Danger Wes, who made 54) making 108 and leading the Warriors to 198 - 1. Then the youngest cricketing member of the great West Aussie Marsh dynasty took 4 wickets for only 6 runs as the Blues were wound up in less than 17 overs, making only 71.

The Blues may boast Smith and Henriques, but we've got Pseudo Mitchy!

Actually there's not much pseudo about him, he's all the Mitchy we need; Australia can have t'other one. Keep your eyes open for the littlest Marsh - I suspect we'll be seeing a lot more of him in the future.

That'll be after the Blues have nicked him from us ...

Why, Punter, why?

Why did you choose to bat when even you admitted the pitch was best for bowling?

Why are you such a twat?

Why is Phil Hughes there - surely there are better and more experienced openers than that spotty little twerp?

Why is Lord North still in the side when his performances have been so crap since August? I'm not saying get rid of him altogether, but maybe someone else deserves a chance?

How about Bloody-Victorian -Cameron-White?

And Chris Rogers in the opening spot for Captain Kat rather than Hughes?

Why are you so pigheaded?

Are you worried that having any more state/county captains in the side will undermine your position as captain?

Maybe it will, but don't you think having more players with experience in captaining a side is a good thing, since you have a habit of making the wrong decision?

And what about Mussey? He hasn't done bad, but he is at the end of his career, isn't he? Will you promise me you are only clinging on to him until Callum Ferguson is fit and NOT for some miguided charitable reasons?

Why are you such an angry little dwarf who wants his own way all the time?

Is it because your siblings beat you up all the time as a child? Were they bigger than you? Most people are, after all.

Will you ever let Brett Lee come back or are you worried that he is so much more popular than you?

Is it that having Lee means you can't blame all losses on the bowlers' inexperience (while taking all the credit for victories)?

When will you find a new excuse?

Doesn't it seem to you that the bowlers are actually doing a better job than the batsmen?

Can you tell I am really, really frustrated?

What the hell happened in Sydney?

All out for 127.

I have nothing more to say, I am too busy sulking.

Australian cricketers have it really tough

Being an Aussie cricketer has always been pretty tough. The governing body has always had some wierd things that their players have had to put up with: they have made them have huge tashes, accept a Queenslander as captain, bat until they are so sick they shit their pants and drink so much between Sydney and London that the plane runs out of beer - amongst other things - but nothing is quite so bad as what the current cricketers put up with.

Australia's current contracted players have had to have a mean dwarf for a captain; a pretty boy for a vice captain; moronic selectors; they've had to hand the biggest prize in cricket over to the most boring man to ever adorn an England shirt; they've worn horrible cream blazers, which were meant to be an award; they've had to get their gear off and pose in front of a camera just so sad women - not unlike myself - can adorn their walls with their pot bellies and moobs all year round ... and now this ...

Why Glenn, why??? 

Don't let anybody tell you anything different - these are the reasons that Roy went fishing.