I'm confused ...

... was the match tied or did the Kiwis win? The way I see it (and I haven't, by the way, I've only read about it - Sky TV in the UK have decided to stop showing Australia's matches on the grounds that they keep winning and the Brits don't like it) NZ won. The match was tied, but because of the eliminator-in-which-no-one-was-eliminated, NZ won.

So our winning streak has come to an end, but the "series" was drawn.

Why does crapinfo still list the result as match tied?

And why did we even need the eliminator-in-which-no-one-was-eliminated? Why couldn't the match really just be tied? Of course, I probably wouldn't be saying that if Australia had won the super-over.

Also, I hear we should be sending Shaun Tait mail bombs and starving lions in a basement just for him ...

Well, that was inevitable, wasn't it?

Just as I have been questioning Mitchy's ability as a T20 bowler, the cheeky git only goes and takes 3 - 19 against New Zealand. It was nice to see him bat a bit higher up the order, which is something he's been wanting to try, even if he only managed 1 run.

And when the hell did he get so scary?

This one raises the eyebrows, doesn't it:

The Day the World Stopped Turning

On an emotive whim, many Australians will tell you that our greatest day of mourning is the anniversary of the day we lost the Ashes after 17 straight years in 2005. That day sucked. I cried.

True cricket fans, however, will always return to the 25th February.

On that day, in 2001, the world stopped turning, if only for a moment; birds stopped singing; dogs declined to bark; children stopped laughing; the wind refused to whistle through the parched trees of Terra Australis and every Australian who had ever so much as looked at a cricket bat bowed his head and let a tear roll down his cheek - for truly, the great man was gone.

God bless you, Don, and may you continue to rest in peace.

 

Sir Donald George Bradman

1908 - 2001

All Hail the Master

I'm pretty excited about our unbeaten summer, but nothing for a long time will compare with what Sachin Tendulkar has just done.

200 off 147 balls
First man ever to reach 200 in an ODI

What is there to say?

I think Shane Warne summed it up on Twitter:

yes yes yes !!!!!! well done Sachin my friend ... congrats and well done !!!!! awesome ...

South Africa will be chasing over 400 to win, but who cares about the result now?

The Deed is done; the Summer is won (and I promise no more rhyming)

Despite being 6-77 at one point - in part thanks to the great fielding of Little Stevie, Missing Link Davey and Dussey (who we saw more of in this match than we have done for the past 4 years) - the Windies surpised us with a late hit to get to 138. Not the highest, but better than I had been expecting.

My ancestors were definitely apes

Twatto, Missing Link and Hads reached 138 by the 12th over (24 runs off the first over - nice), with The Link pulling off the 2nd fastest T20 international half century before getting out on 67. Hads went with only one run and in came Travis Ernie. After a disappointing dot ball (Come on! Was I the only one hoping for a 6 off that first ball?), Ernie sent a nice ball to the boundary for 4 and the game, the series, the summer was over.

If Australia continue to take T20 seriously like this, I'm in serious danger of getting hooked.

The Ponting Effect

I make no secret of the fact that I think T20 is a waste of time at international level, yet recently I have really enjoyed it. And we're not as shit at it as I thought. I stand corrected on my previous post re: getting walloped in the Caribbean. I don't think we will. I imagine part of the reason we are currently less shit is because CA are selecting players who don't play so much internationally but have spent a fair amount of time playing T20 at state level (as opposed to using our ODI and Test players who should, rightfully, have their focus on ODIs and Tests), but I've decided to blame both my increase in enjoyment and our increase in performance on the absence of Ponting. Just because I bloody well can.

Today, it was nice to see Pup step up as captain and I think he did a good job; Nannes and Smith were impressive (how was Smith's catch on the boundary for that 8th wicket?) and what can one say about Wild Thing Tait? Mitchy was his usual disappointing self but in general the bowling was good, the fielding was good and - unlike in the match against Pakistan - the batting was good. Warner, Twatto and Hads kicked some arse.

Nonetheless, having watched England look pretty good yesterday only to lose to the Stanis, I was not content to completely relax until the job was done. Then I realised what a dark day it must be if I am thinking we could be anywhere near as shit as England, so I jammed a sharp knife into my foot for punishment and sat back to enjoy.

One more match to a clean sweep summer and the Aussie in me is battling with the cricket fan in me again.

My Lord has a sleep in and some other stuff about NZ

So Ricky Ponting has finally paid some attention to me and allowed My Lord a wee sleep in or two, for the final ODI yesterday, and again through the T20s against the West Indies. He has made way for Little Stevie Smith to be all cute in his green and gold, which is way too big for him:

But, rest assured, My Blessed Lord Nails will be back for the tour to New Zealand and will get his chance to play T20 and hopefully claim a place in the side for the World T20 Championship in April (because who wouldn't want to go the Caribbean on someone else's dollar, even if the Aussies are going to get walloped?).

The rest of the team for the tour to New Zealand is as follows:

T20s

Michael "my girlfriend has a bad fake tan" Clarke
Cameron "bloody Victorian" White
Travis "Ernie" Birt
Daniel "finally we pick cricketers of Aboriginal descent" Christian
Brad "likes a good racial scrap" Haddin
Ryan "I'm one Queenslander too many" Harris
David "not as good as my brother" Hussey
Mitchy "am I really a T20 player?" Johnson
Shaun "the only West Aussie in the team unless you count Dussey (we don't)" Marsh
Dirk "I rule" Nannes
Steven "I'm so little my kit looks like PJs on me" Smith
Shaun "I bowl like a wild thing even though I am from South Australia" Tait
David "the missing link but, man can I jump" Warner
Shane "screw you all I can bat" Watson

and, of course, My Blessed Lord Good King Nate the Utterly Invincible.

ODIs

Ricky "angry little dwarf" Ponting
Michael "will I ever be good enough to be captain?" Clarke
Doug "Tegan is everyone's favourite WAG" Bollinger
Brad "If you're black I'll brawl with ya" Haddin
Ryan "I'm so not Jimmy Hopes" Harris
Jimmy "I kick Ry's arse" Hopes
Michael "I'm getting on a bit" Hussey
Mitchy "I might chuck pies, I might not" Johnson
Shaun "Sid loves me, that's enough" Marsh
Clint "that's not a name, that's a sound effect" McKay
Adam "Sid loves me as well" Voges
Shane "It would be good if I could bowl as good as I bat" Watson
Cameron "Huge teutonic thug from the Aussie home of neo-nazism" White

and, of course, My Blessed Lord Good King Nate the Utterly Invincible.

On the phone with Ricky Ponting

Sid: So, Rick, you win again.

Rick: Yep, looks like it Sid. The boys are having a good summer.

Sid: Any special mentions?

Rick: Well, Doug Bollinger today was ...

Sid: ... yeah, yeah, whatever. Are you not bored with just sweeping aside inferior opposition all the time?

Rick: Bored? Are you mad? Of course not.

Sid: Bloody hell, the rest of us are. Here's hoping the T20s are more interesting. The Aussies are pretty shit at T20, aren't they?

Rick: Well ...

Sid: Yeah, right. Thanks, Rick.

The Book, The Bear, The Podcast, the Mag and Dresden Cricket Club.

While we've been waiting for Australia to get this damned ODI series over and done with and onto the T20s (which should be marginally more interesting, despite the fact that they are T20s), some stuff has been going on.

As you may or may not have known, we all had a chance to win a copy of Jrod's book When Freddie Became Jesus. There were two copies going begging, courtesy of Jrod's buddy Iain O'Brien and they were indeed won by two lucky buggers. What I bet you really didn't know (and I'm not actually sure I do either) is that is may have been our lovely Purna who won it. If it was you, Purna, congrats. If not, then some lucky bugger who also uses the name "CM" on blogs should be rather chuffed right about now.

In a fairly irrelevant, but quite cute, aside a certain gentleman has written a new Winnie the Pooh book. The author of the book, Return to the Hundred Acre Wood, spent a great deal of time researching A.A. Milne (the original author) and his works in order to make this book as authentic as possible. One of the things he discovered was that Milne was a great cricket fan. In his honour there is a scene in the book in which Christoper Robin teaches the "animals" to play cricket. I had hoped to have a picture of the cricket page scanned in, but for various reasons this has not happened, so here is the best I could do:

 

Worth buying just for a picture of some animated stuffed toys playing cricket? Probably not. But I thought it was worth a mention here. Plus, I am a librarian ... I thought I should occasionaly mention a book or two.

If you haven't yet listened to the Test Match Sofa podcast, which you can now subscribe to through itunes, you definitely should. They are pretty English and, as such, seem to think that Andrew Strauss is some type of God (he's really, really not) but otherwise they're high on the comedy factor. Jarrod Kimber has been involved in the first two and that gives them a slight Aussie-ness to balance out the English-ness, but in all fairness they do try to cover things going on in the whole cricket world.


If you feel more confident than I do about your cricket writing, you should submit something to the new cricket sadist's magazine ... erm ... Cricket Sadist's Monthly (does exactly what it says on the tin, I'm guessing). It's been set up by various people, including the guys at CWB and there's room for everyone, so get writing.

And finally, a big hello to Karl at Dresden Cricket Club who reads this blog ... that makes two readers so far from Dresden (Wes being the other one). Who knew Germans were into cricket? We'll have them all here, yet.

The awards they don't talk about at the AB Medal event.

So, Twatto won the AB Medal - like we didn't see that coming. But did you see these coming?

And the winner is ...

Rhianna Ponting - the "I'm really bending my knees" award

 

Michelle Clarke - the "Oh my God, I married a giant" award

 

Lara Bingle - the "How fake is my tan?" award

Katrina Quaine - the "How fake is my hair colour?" award

 

Hayley Rich Bracken - the "How fake is everything else ...?" award

 

Amy Hussey - the "Whole roll of dress tape" award

 

Jessica Bratich - the "Only brunette in the room" award (not strictly true, but I'm tactfully ignoring the other one)

And finally ...

 

 Tegan and Doug Bollinger - the "We're the most normal couple in town" award - thank god someone here looked normal!

Jimmeh's back, he's on home turf and he's reminding Punter why he is the QLDer o' choice

As the Aussie players pop a few beers to celebrate the series win, Jimmy Hopes takes Ponting to one side for a wee chat:

J: Was I fucking swish out there today or what, Rick?

R: Yeah, yeah ... nice work in the field, mate, but a 50 would've been nice.

J: I did better than Ryan, though, didn't I? Huh, Rick, didn't I? Huh?

R: All round you did, but Bolly bowled better even than you.

J: That's just because he kisses that thing on his chain, which is not a crucifix.

R: What idiot thought it was a crucifix?

J: Oh, that Aussie woman who writes that blog ... you know the one that created the Ritzy cult? She doesn't know what she's on about. What the hell is it round his neck anyway?

R: Fuck knows, mate, but it seems to work so I just humour him.

J: Anyway, everyone knows that too many Queensland players on the side is bad luck ... one is surely enough and you know Harris isn't that good.

R: He's got bigger arms than you, Jim, and Gayle is scared of him.

J: He's also scared of Bolly, though, isn't that enough?

R: Have you seen the size of Chris? If he's going to beat me up, I want as much protection as I can get.

J: But Harris was our most expensive bowler today ...

R: was he ...?

J: Well if you don't count that flukey 2nd wicket, he was. And he can't bat for shit, so why you pushed him up above Ritzy today is anyone's guess, but I'm great with the bat I am. And we're pushing it already with 2 Tasmanians on the side, do you really want more than 1 Queenslander as well?

R: Good point ... and we already have Ritzy and Mitchy for our QLD quota ... Maybe you're surplus to requirements as well, Jim. Maybe we should opt for a South Aussie instead, like Tait, or go back to using as many Blues as possible ... Bracks is ready to return, or Smith ...

J: No, no Rick ... just get rid of Harris. I need this. Watto's getting the Alan Border medal tomorrow; Clarkey's got his modelling career; Bolly's got whatever fucked up religion he follows (not to mention his dancing); Ritzy's got his cult following ... what do I have? Please don't take this away from me and give it to a thug like Harris. Ritzy and me are planning to put laxative in Ry's sweet and sour tonight, so you can just say he has a stomach bug.

R: What? Ritzy's going for a chinese? About time he made himself useful. I'll have a wonton soup.

J: But what about this harris business?

R: Huh? I'll tell you what ... you make Bolly tone down the dancing and hold my beer for me all night and then I'll think about it.

J: Just think about it?

R: What? What are you thinking about?

J: You're not very smart, are you Rick?

R: I can hit a cricket ball real hard with my big stick thing.

J: Yeah, you can, mate. Yeah you can.

Big Chris threatens the Aussies ... with a draw!

 

Don't you threaten me, Chris ... I'll get Fat Bastard Harris onto you!

Help, help! Chris is hurting me ... get Ry out here, now!

Leave me alone, Chrith ... help me Ry ...

 

Look out Chris, here I come ... I'm a big, scary fucker, too. Be afraid, be very afraid.

 
Mother!

 

Freyr! Fuck the little dwarf - you need to be listening to me, dammit!

You bastard!

  

Oh no, it's raining Mike ... run Mike, run. Your hairspray'll run if you get wet.

  

Well, you see, Chris, It's that fine rain that soaks you right through ...and if Punter says it's gonna stick, I've got bad news for you mate ... please don't kill me with your bare hands.

And so Gayle continues to threaten us, but the threats are getting less and less potent: we'll win 4 - 1; we'll win 3 - 2; we'll draw ... yeah, yeah, yeah ...

Why do the Gods love Ricky Ponting?

Well, I guess someone has to.

Just as it looks like he and his team might actually not wipe the floor with the West Indies, he turns his little face skywards, says a little prayer to Freyr the Norse God and the heavens duly open for him.

For a short time it looked like we might get some more play - an innings reduced to 24 overs with a soggy ball, which would probably favour the West Indies batsmen - but Ponting began to chant again, this time to Loki the God of mischief who was hiding behind the stumps (the little minx), and down came the rain again.

Do your thang, Loki

And so Big Chris's thoughts of a redeeming 2 - 3 series victory have been washed away by the sly prayers of the Angry Little Dwarf and the best he can now hope for is a draw.

But he won't get it.

Mr Collingwood ...

... I used to like you, but you really shouldn't be such an arse.

If you haven't read Purna's post yet you definitely should.

Buttniggle is now a smack list contender.

T-Paine is Back! (See sidebar, Stani)

Tim Paine will be joining the side for the third ODI as Hads gets a rest. Shame - I was hoping Hads and Suley would have words again.

Watson will get yet another day off (what's up with that?) and - to my absolute delight - Adam Voges will be playing in his place. This addition of another West Aussie cancels out any damage by the addition of another Tasmanian. I hope Ads does well.

This means that Warrior Shaunie and T-Paine the Ray will be opening together tomorrow ... should be good for Shaunie to be the "senior" player in the partnership. Here's hoping for a half century from him. I still think we should let Mitchy open - shake things up a little.

I'm guessing Ry the Not Jimmeh will be back, unless Jimmeh has (finally) accidentally-on-purpose broken his fingers, and naturally My Lord doesn't get a rest so I reckon "clint" will sit this one out. I'd be surprised if Bolly has a day off, especially as Crapinfo has announced that Gayle is his "bunny".

Now there's a scary visual place you don't want hanging around your head at night.

4 - 1, Chris? You're jokin', aren't ya?

to: chris.gayle@toughtalkfromalazyfucker.com
from: ricky.ponting@iambiggerthanbradmanandthebeatlesputtogether.com.au

Dear Chris,

It's true you're three times my height, but I ain't scared of you sucker. Not when I've got Bolly in front of me anyway. Being as you're the only batsman on your team (and you're a lazy fuck), did you really think you were going to beat us 4 - 1? We buried your batsmen for piss all, lost only 2 wickets reaching your total and then we still had time to pop to the pub for a couple of coldies.

I was going to write a long list of insults, but all I can really think to say is "eat that, sucker".

Oh, and, bring back Suley already - Hads is itching for a fight.

Ricky Legend Ponting

P.S. buy Kookaburra (I get an extra $1,000 if I write that).

Some stuff that went on at the G (and around)

The Stanis reminded us that T20 is totally their game ... and then somehow managed to lose the match that was totally theirs for the taking.

Punter announced that his bowlers are the best in the world and it was reported in a Crapinfo article that managed to not mention My Lord even once.

Mitchy cowered like a frightened turtle before the bowling of Umar Gul, Dirky looked bloody petrified and Naved-ul-Hasan looked damn impressive - that wrong 'un that sent Little Stevie Smith packing was fabulous.

I nearly gave Kamran Akmal a standing ovation in my living room when he went for 64. And now he's been dropped.

Mitchy's bowling was so erratic, I started to wonder if he is really a T20 player but Wild Thing Tait blew our minds with his super fast bowling - Hads' gloves must have been vibrating.

The lesser played Aussies worked their arses off and managed a very, very tight win. Nice for them, nice for Pup.

I fell in love with Warrior Shaunie all over again in the first ODI and was very impressed with Twatto crawling along the pitch.

The Windies wrote us off for 256 and we got to see Big Chris bowl. It was odd.

Ponting's "world class" bowlers (and My Lord) never really let the Windies get started with the bat; Bolly was impressive, Ry the Not Jimmeh was ... well ... there (he made a cock up in the field - he's NOT infallible).

Twatto took the man of the match (again) - I don't think they even watch any more, they just give it to him.

My Lord - although not one of the "best in the world" - was, naturally, Godlike.

The Windies were cleaned up with 113 runs to spare and Big Chris claims it will be our only win of the series.

We'll see, Chris. We'll see.

Excuses, excuses ...

Having been a wee bit ill, and working my little behind off for little reward, I managed to miss that the first ODI between Aust and W.I. was on today. I assumed there would be more of a break, but there you go.

So I haven't seen it, although I do know that we kicked some bowling arse (although from the scorecard the batting looked ordinary), that Ry the not Jimmeh continues to confound and that My Lord Nails got himself a wee 3 - 28.

From here, I send you off to Ian for an actual match report from someone who is (most likely) in good health and actually keeping up with the cricketing world:

Aussie bowlers slaughter the Windies

He's nothing if not subtle, our Ian.

Captain Pup

England is in some sort of uproar at the moment because their football captain, John Terry, has been sacked for shagging a team mate's girlfriend. I don't see what the problem is - what does a football captain actually do?

It's not like cricket where the captain needs to know the game inside out and makes decisions that impact on the game from beginning to end (I repeat: Ponting - me, big stick, hit ball hard), is it? My standard pisstaking of Punter leads me nicely onto Pup ... I love him; I want him to be a good captain.

But he constantly disappoints me.

I haven't watched the T20 yet, because I'm afraid I will be disappointed in him yet again. It is sitting there, filling a huge gap on my Sky box, taunting me ... watch me, watch me ... join other Aussies is disliking Pup, already.

So, somebody put me out of my misery and tell me he was superb ... Lou? Stani? Wes? Please????

Otherwise, it's 6 Nations time. Come one Ireland!

The Chicken and the Egg

Are Aussies shit at T20 because they don't like it, or do they not like it because they are shit at it?

Discuss.

Either way, we are crap at it and the Stanis will be desperate for a win tomorrow; plus they are just a way better T20 side. Can't ignore that.

Nobody really likes a series whitewash (unless they're playing England): the best test of this series was the one that had Australia's back to the wall and the best ODI was the last one - where Australia was way outplayed and that, ultimately, either side could have won.

The Stanis deserve the win tomorrow; I reckon they'll get it.

Bring it on.

Sids is dying (and I may kill Brett Lee)

OK, maybe not ... but Sids has got a back injury and will be out for some time. The team for the ODIs against the West Indies is as follows:

Twatto - NSW
Warrior Shaunie - State of Gods and ignorant drunks (that's W.A. to the lay person)
Punter -the only Tasmanian on the side (always a good sign)
Pup the grammar fiend - NSW
Big Bad Scary Vic Cam White
Little Cute Tries to be Scary Vic "clint"
The Muss - see Shaunie
Jimmeh - state of two-headedness QLD
Hads the Thug - NSW
Mitchy the Haircut - see Shaunie and the Muss
Ry the Not Jimmeh - see Jimmeh
My Blessed Lord - NSW
Big Dougie B - NSW

We're still missing Hilfy and Lee; Captain Kat has had elbow problems, as has Punter, Mitchy is always "fatigued" (not to mention mummy problems) and My Lord occasionally mentions (although would never complain about) a dicky heel and let's not forget he frequently has serious issues with his digits. I'm not too worried about a few ODIs against the West Indies, something against the Damned Kiwis or the series against the Stanis in England: win them, lose them - we'll deal. But this lot needs to be fully fit by November so we can see off those poms in style.

Ry the Not Jimmeh may be the new golden boy (to everyone but me) but he is not good enough to play in the Ashes tests, so the better more experienced bowlers (Hilfy, Sids and Lee especially) need to have their shit together; we want Captain Kat and Punter in perfect form and fitness and Mitchy, I beg you, get a haircut and some sleep!

And every last one of you little beggars know this: if any of you, and I mean ANY OF YOU, gets seriously injured in the meantime and can't play in the Ashes series I will get my voodoo dolls out - yes, I mean you Mr "I might play in the Ashes, but I'll decide after the IPL" Lee.

Just for that comment you need to be smack-listed.

But I like you too much (at the moment).

When shit ain't done right, send in a big scary Queenslander ...

... that's what I always say. Or at least a guy from NSW who - for some wierd reason - went North.

Big AB is not happy with Afridi's pissweak punishment ... well who the hell is? Two T20s? Big fat hairy deal. I'm not condoning the pitch invasion or the rugby tackle (although it was high on the humour factor), but how is it right that this guy gets a lifetime ban while Afridi, who was clearly trying to damage the ball, gets a ban from only two T20s?

Seems slightly disproportionate, no?

 

The PCB say they are happy for the ICC to deal with the pitch invasion, which is probably because, if they insisted on getting high handed about it themselves, they risk a certain other cricketing board insisting on a harder punishment for Afridi. This, of course, only goes to show that the PCB have had fuck all dealings with Cricket Australia. But let them continue with their shut up and say nothing attitude.

As for Border's thoughts on the ban? He may be an ex-captain, and saviour of the Aussies after the dry years of the 1980s (and Kim Hughes), but these days he's just an ex-selector with lots of opinions. We love you, AB, but ain't nobody gonna listen to you.

The T20 gang

The team for the one and only T20 match between Australia and Pakistan has been announced and, in light of the fact that we really coudn't care less about T20 at international level (although this may be because we are shite at it), some new faces will appear.

It looks a wee bit like this:

Pup (NSW)
Bloody Vic Cammie White
Trav Birt (TAS)
Bradley Hads (NSW)
Ry the Not Jimmeh (QLD)
Dussey (West Aussie reject scooped up by the Bloody Vics)
Mitchy (WA)
Shaunie (WA)
Dirty Dirk (the only Vic not to get the "bloody" treatment but only because he somewhat rocks!)
Little Stevie Smith who be not My Lord (NSW)
Oh my god they found a South Aussie Shaun Tait
Dopey Dave Warner (NSW)
Twatto (NSW)

Notable faces that are missing:

• My Lord
• Jimmeh
• Good King Nate the Invincible
• Sids
• Nathan Hauritz
• Punter "I'm too good for T20"
• oh, and Ritzy

About time they gave him a day off, but why the hell would I watch it now?

Moobs on Parade

On a hot day in Perth, some tired young men hit the beach ...

 

The next James Bond

 

A Bloody Vic trying to swim (can't be easy with those bricks I tied to his ankles)

 

Watch out there, Ry - Ritz and Sids might just hold you under for a bit too long ...

 

The winner of the Brad Pitt lookalike competition