The List ...

So the list of the lads to go to the Caribbean has arrived and - big shock - a lot of the "potentials" are not on it. And neither is Bracks.

Here it is:

Missing Link Warner
TWatso
The Ex-Bingle Pup,
Bloody Vic
Dussey
Mussey
T-Paine the Ray
Little Stevie Smith
Dan - I haven't got a nickname yet - Christian
Braddin
Brett Lee - I'm a wee bit excited about this 'un
Dirky
Mitchy
My Blessed Lord (actually a bit surprised about that ... but I won't complain. It'll make T20 a touch more pleasing on the eyes)
Warrior Shauny

Something is wrong

Yes, we won. It's great. My fears of only 1 wicket were unfounded.

My Lord, sadly, was not Godlike.

Mitchy, frighteningly, was.

Blessed Marcus did not get a century.

And ... and this could be the worst thing of all ... the BBC reported the win.

My world is all askew.

Pessimism, my old friend.

Now, most Aussie fans out there willl be relaxed about the match in Hamilton; I haven't been to Ian's blog today (yes, I have memorised the URL - is that sad?), but I am sure he has some cheery post about how well Australia are doing in the second innings.

And he isn't wrong, but I can't be so positive. It could be because I am a sour, pessimistic cow but it's at least partly because the last time the Kiwis started the day 5 wickets down, Australia managed to take ONLY ONE WICKET ALL DAY! I'm still not over it. And if it happens this time, we don't have a day to spare. And if it happens this time, NZ will manage a flukey and most undeserved draw a little like ... well, a little like Australia at Edgbaston 2009.

And only we are allowed to do such things.

So, I will not be content until I wake in the morning and find that My Lord has taken 4 wickets and that we've won.

Or I'll just be happy with the win.

Marcus vs. Stevie

to: steve.smith@dreamonkiddo.com.au
from: marcus.north@iwillsobeintheashesteam.com.au

Hey Stevie,

A few people might still be going on about you as my replacement, but once I get a century tomorrow they'll fuck you right off mate. There is no way I'm getting left off the Ashes side in favour of a little weed like you who is barely out of nappies. You might get picked, but you won't play (unless we've already won and I've worked so hard I need a rest).

Ritzy nearly breaking that messed up record might have given you some hope, but  doubt it'll get you anywhere. Ritz is a whiny little thing but he's still a better bowler than you.

I tell you what - come back when you've sprouted a few pubic hairs and we'll see. Until then, piss off and let the big boys do their job or Ritzy and me will hide your favourite teddy bear. Alright?

Marcus, Lord of batsmen and Ashes hero 2011

*****

to: marcus.north@iwillsobeintheashesteam.com.au

from: steve.smith@dreamonkiddo.com.au

To Marcus,

Ooh, you used a naughty word! I'm tellling Ricky on you ...

Steve

Ode to yet another loss ...

The Royals came out to bat,
Warney was, as usual, fat;
But his team started impressive today

Then Pathan, the danger man falls,
Chennai take four wickets in ten balls,
And I think "this might yet be our day"

The total could have been higher,
for just a moment the bowling was on fire;
But from 178, Chennai were still a long way

The task was tall,

they'd have to give it their all,

Yet, with Dhoni there you felt there was hope

But as the overs ran down,

my smile turned to a frown;

Could they claw this one back? Nope.

And then it was done,

it was far from loss number one;

and I'm left writing this post like a dope

CSK lose again folks. See you next time, Paddle

I told you my Lord would be Godlike!

He nearly broke a record ... he went for 25 runs off one over.

It was the equal-most expensive over ever bowled by an Australian in a Test.

This is not increasing my hopes of a test victory, people.

Good ol' BBC, I can always count on you.

8am on a Saturday morning, I roll over in bed and switch on radio 5 to gently wake me up. The moment I hear the sports commentator use the words "On the first day of the second test in Wellington ... " I knew it was bad news.

Why?

Because, except when Australia are playing England, the BBC never report on Australia's matches unless Australia are doing badly.

Australia all out for 231
New Zealand 19 - 1

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to the gym to run on a treadmill until I faint.

2nd test preview to rival Ian's

Forget Ian, he knows nowt and he's way too bloody chirpy anyway. Here's what's going to happen in the 2nd test against NZ:

• Twatto will get out on 79
• Punter will get out on 3 and complain loudly about a bad decision by both umpire and UDRS
• Vettori will laugh
• So will I (eventually)
• Mitchy will chuck pies but will still get at least 3 wickets
• My Lord will be Godlike (obviously)
• Bolly will get a 5-for
• There will be a streaker (this time it will be a woman wearing a blue wig)
• Vettori and Mitchy will have "heated words"
• The match will last 4 days
• Vettori will almost save the match for NZ but Australia will win again
• I will chew my fingernails and sleep badly until it's done and then I will drink lots of beer in celebration and claim I knew all along we would win.

How does that sound?

Notes on another loss. Sigh.

We lost again. Do I need to write more? Ok, yes. I suppose I do. Here goes ...

Joy of the match - Dhoni's return

Twat of the match - Harby. Do I have to explain?

Excitement of the match - watching Raina, no longer with the burden of captaincy, cut loose.

Torn moment of the match - I wanted to see Dhoni bat, but was pleased CSK made it to 180 without him. Kind of.

Head in hands moment of the match - Perera's only over. 19 runs. Oh dear.

Thank God of the match - Dhoni choosing not to allow Perera near a ball again

The WOW of the match - Tendulkar making the 200th 6 of IPL3 ... 85 metres, baby!

Bugger of the match - they won

Yes, you got him, Harby but no, it doesn't mean you get to keep his mongoose ... no! Harby! Down boy!

There you go, Paddle.

Match.com - Aussie Cricket Style

My friend works for the online dating service Match.com and risked her very important position in the organisation by leaking to me that some of the Australian cricketers have signed up for the service. Well, always one to risk a friendship for a good laugh, I obviously pressed her for more information and after much probing and pay-offs (selfish cow), she gave me the information the cricketers shared about themselves as well as the potential matches her service came up with. And here they are:

Mitchell Johnson

age: 28
star sign: Scorpio
likes: mothers, bad haircuts and pies

Potential match: Delia Smith - a mother figure who will bake him all the pies he wants to chuck and will hopefully make him have a haircut.

¤¤¤¤¤

Ricky Ponting

age: 35

star sign: Sagittarius

likes: arrogant, likes good batsmen and pulling weird faces

Potential match: Himself.

¤¤¤¤¤

Shane Watson

age: 28

star sign: gemini

likes: not very much ... is boring and has no personality

Potential match: a large tree

¤¤¤¤¤

Ryan Harris

age: 30

star sign: Libra

likes: his own bowling, huge arms, thinks he's talented (he isn't)

Potential match: absolutely no one, not even his mother

¤¤¤¤¤

Doug Bollinger

age: 28

star sign: Leo

likes: dancing and being tall

Potential match: Tegan (we ♥ Tegan)

¤¤¤¤¤

Michael Clarke

age: 28

star sign: Aries

likes: modelling, hair gel and towels

Potential match: any slapper who is willing to get her gear off

¤¤¤¤¤

Michael Hussey

age: 82

star sign: Gemini

likes: experimenting with that new technology, the telephone

Potential match:  Someone's Gran

¤¤¤¤¤

Nathan Hauritz

age: 28

star sign: Libra

likes: music, sandwiches and Shane Warne

Potential match: Seriously ... do you really need to ask?

Dhoni's notes to Raina, the night before the match against RCB

I put together a few notes for you for tomorrow's match against Bangalore; try to follw them as closely as you can:

• If you're going to throw away a dead-cert win by being generally shit in one match, try and win the next one for heaven's sakes!
• The pitch won't change too much in 20 overs, so it doesn't matter too much if you bat or bowl first. If you win the toss, the trick is to play to your strength. I guess that means it doesn't matter which you choose to do first, because without me you're fairly crap at both.
• When fielding, put players on the boundary who can catch. And remind them to communicate with each other - there's nothing more annoying than an easy catch that's dropped because two fielders didn't talk to one another.
• OK, playing RCB you need to get rid of Kallis early. It's partly because he is a dangerous batsman, but also partly because I play poker with him and he can be so obnoxious. It makes me want to drink myself into oblivion.
• I also can't stand that fake englishman Eoin Morgan - get rid of him early as well. This one's personal. He's not really a threat.
• When Murali bowls, get him to make his scariest possible face - you know, eyes as wide as he can and no blinking - and try to limit that weird jumping he sometimes does when he gets a wicket; he's getting old and he is pretty chubby, we don't need him injuring himself through enthusiasm.
• In the last couple of overs, the batsmen will have nothing to lose and will try to smack everything. Remind the bowlers to watch their length or else everything will get hit for 4 or 6.
• I don't give a toss if Matty's using the mini-mongoose or not, just tell him he needs to get his shit together toot-sweet. Especially if you find yourself chasing 170+. He'll need to hit big and not make any stupid runs that get him run out too early. In fact, tell him to use the full sized mongoose NOT the mini one - it might be the difference between him being safe or not in a potential runout situation.
• Might be worth giving that Tasmanian Bailey a go at #3; he's not me of course, but I kind of like him and if he does alright he might get to go to the Caribbean.
• Be prepared to bat well youself; once Matty goes it will be up to you to make the runs. Once you go, mate, it's all over. Yes, yes ... Badri and Morks will give it their all, but I reckon the task will be near on impossible by the time they're in.
• Lastly, just close your eyes and hope for the best until I get back; and try not to embarrass me any further will you?

Post-match notes:

CSK won the toss and opted to field
RCB got 171-5 and won by 36 runs

Chennai went to their dressing rooms and prayed for Dhoni to come back soon
I tweeted the Paddlesweep

Things going on in NZ

Jesus, Lara - you didn't have to take it with you ...

 Check me, I'm well stylish ... I may not be able to bat good all the time, but check my stance ...

Yes, Michael, you will worship me and you will respect the UDRS, which in return will do it's best to piss Vettori off. Deal?

So, what do I need to do to get you in here instead of Twatto? I'm willing to pay ...

So, what happened? Did we win? Anyone ... ? Pup, PUP? Wake-up, Pup! I think we won.

Y

Yeah, we did. I won again ... we, I meant "we" ... smarmy grin required ... there you go.

The win that will be ... that should be ... that could be ... that wasn't ... I'm sorry, what?

What the hell happened? I aged at least 5 years in the course of this match, it was unbelievable.

Chennai won the toss and opted to field. Morkel and Muralitharan made the bowling look easy and the Kings XI batsmen looked awful. Yuvie Singh made 43 from 28 balls, but his was the only batting really worth mentioning; Murali took 3 - 16 as the Super Kings cleaned up Kings XI for a measley 136.

Then Hayden and Patel walked out to start the Chennai reply and made it about a third of the way home darn quickly and without losing a wicket. Considering the Kings XI lads had crumbled before Murali's bowling, it was no surprise the spinners were brought out early. And it seemed to work. Hayden fell for 33 when Powar  - who may be the fattest bowler I've ever come across - got some impressive turn with the ball. From there, things slowed right down and the win - which should never have been in question - suddenly stopped looking like a given.

With the exception of Patel, and a few minutes of decent work from Morkel, the batting was pretty damn ordinary. The balls wound down and the runs piled up and finally it was over at 136 runs apiece.

The super over was back!

CSK batted their over first and didn't even make the 6 balls. They did make 10 runs, though, which could have been enough. Should have been enough. But, alas, it wasn't. Kings XI managed the 10 runs with a 6 and a 4 and then it was all over.

Now, an unbiased viewer would no doubt say Chennai didn't deserve the win; that they had it in the bag and gave it away ... blah, blah, blah ...

I, however, am not unbiased. So I'm quite sure that Kings XI somehow cheated.

That's 2 wins and 2 losses for CSK, and a few points for me over at Paddlesweep.

Doctor's Note

Student: James Hopes
Class: Walking for Beginners

Dear Cricket Australia,

Please excuse Jimmy from any responsibilities he has, or may have been given, in the T20 side for the World Cup in April as the stupid bastard has injured himself again. He also will have to miss the IPL, but since that was really just about proving his worth for the T20 world cup, I guess it doesn't matter that much. Jimmy really has to stop doing this, doesn't he? He is in his early 30s. Please note, I have had a discussion with the Queensland Bulls management, and it has been agreed that this is all the fault of the Victorians.

Dr Antivick

Bolly, Bolly, Bolly ...

I had a bad night's sleep after checking the situation at 1am and thinking - shite, the Kiwis can do this! But I woke up and everything seems relatively normal:

• Bolly's making an idiot of himself in wicket celebrations
• My Lord is being Godlike
• Ry the Not Jimmeh is pissing me off by bowling well
• Someone's complaining about the UDRS not going their way
• Kiwis are being ordinary
• Ponting is putting my nerves on edge
• Also, I suspect Mitchy is chucking pies, but I haven't seen any of it so I'm just guessing (because it's a fair guess, right?)

Look out, Bolly! Dan's coming for you ... and then he's heading in to take out the match ref ...

As is usual with a test, I haven't watched. In this case because of time zones, but usually because I jinx the beggars by watching. I'm not convinced we built up enough before declaring. Couldn't we have batted again just for a little to build up their target? We had plenty of time ... and I need my sleep at the moment (I have basically just lost my job, btw).

God damn I hope we can get this done tomorrow.

Meet Mr Mongoose ...

My concerns about CSK going downward sans Dhoni were largely based on the fact that Matty Hayden, despite the fabled Mongoose bat, hadn't really bothered to show up to previous matches. So, they faced the Delhi Daredevils on Friday and I wasn't optimistic.

Delhi won the toss and opted to bat first - and they weren't too shabby at it, may I say. Missing Link Warner went for 6 in the 4th, but otherwise they did alright as they climbed to 185-6; Sehwag took 74 from 38 balls - this type of thing is becoming a bit of a feature of IPL3, huh?

186 runs in twenty overs sounds like one hell of a challenge - but not for Mongoose, baby! Oh, and Matty Hayden. He helped. He actually showed up this time. And he had Mongoose. Clearly, someone had had words with him since the last match. It wasn't me, although I did try. I may now be on the blacklist of several hotels in Delhi. I'm not sure.

Haydos and Mongoose got 93 runs off 43 balls before being caught and bowled by Mishra. Despite some great fielding from Delhi, they cocked up by under-using Dirky Nannes and - between Mongoose, Hayden and Raina - Chennai were soon enough on 190.

If Hayden can keep this up when Dhoni returns; throw Raina, Badrinath, Morkel, Murali and Kemp into the equation and CSK might just do OK yet.

Cheers, Mr Sweep.

North strikes again.

My God!! Marcus North is so good, he got 112* and stole my clothes. You have to stop doubting him now.

Aus. 459 - 5 dec

NZ 108 - 4 at stumps on day 2

Who dared to doubt my Marcus? or NZ test part the first

OK, he's only on 52* at the moment, but it's better than a lot of people expected. I'm still hoping for a century, but there's time yet. North wasn't the only player out there with something to prove: the pressure is on Michael Clarke to prove himself as vice captain and future captain and he didn't disappoint. Clarke is currently on 100* - let's hope he and North can build on those figures tomorrow morning.

Ponting won the toss (that's a few in a row now) and opted to bat (get off the floor!); Twatto, as it turns out, has a hip strain so they played Hughes instead. I hope he is back for the second test, but it's a good opportunity for Hughes. Also, Ry the Not Jimmeh got his test cap. The time is ripe for his true self to rear its ugly head ...

It sounds like things were a bit dire until Pup came in and did some work with Captain Kat (I hear Kat managed to run out Punter ... oooh ... well, better 41 than 4). Then Kat went for 79 and Pup continued to fight alongside Lord Marcus.

As ever, I was asleep when it all went down so please fill me in with any thoughts ... Australia 316 - 4 at stumps on day 1.

No, Ryan - it's a test ... t - est ... you know, we play for 4 or 5 days? You might have to bat better than you have done ... big stick, hitus hardus ... bloody hell, why didn't we go with McKay?

Mickey Arthur sings the Pet Shop Boys

Dear Mr Arthur,

Thank you for your application to be coach of the Retra Vision Warriors. And yes, we know it is a completely stupid name for a cricket team but the Retra Vision people insisted and since we're so crap at state cricket we haven't exactly had sponsors kicking down our door, you know what I'm saying?

We would like to invite you to come to an interview next week at the WACA (you must remember where that is - your South Africa beat Australia there a couple of years ago). To help you prepare for the interview, here are some of the things that would be expected of you should you be successful:

• get Marcus North sorted out. I mean, he's been shit lately, hasn't he?
• see to it that Mitchell Johnson actually plays a game or two for us next season. Getting his mum on side should help.
• poach a Victorian or two (not too many though, or you'll put the locals out) and maybe try nicking Beau Casson back from the Blues.
• make us a good enough team to get a better sponsor and a better bloody name.
• Keep Geoff Marsh and his army of sons from taking over Western Australia one cricket ground at a time, but don't upset Mitchell Marsh - he's the only half decent player we have at the moment.
• Speak to Shaun Marsh about not stating publicly that he is sick of being on the losing team. We're all sick of being on the losing team, but we don't whine to journalists about it.
• For the love of God, please stop us from being the losing team!

With the exception of South Australia, we are the shittest state side in Australia. This is why we want you. No one except Biff knows why South Africa dumped you, but we couldn't give a shit. Please save us Mickey. There isn't really a short list of 4 people, it's just you. Go West, son! Life is peaceful there.

Please?

Graeme Wood

Chief Executive, Retra - you know who I am, dammit.

Why on Earth is M.S. Dhoni India's Captain?

If you've ever wondered the above, I urge you to go immediately to YouTube and watch the highlights of the Chennai Superkings vs. Kolkata Knightriders match from yesterday. There you'll see your answer.

Dhoni won the toss (which, to be fair, was probably more down to luck than skill) and opted to bat. The batting was painful. There's no other way to put it. It was dire, really dire. Hayden was disappointing again, Raina wasn't much better; Vijay gave the ball a fair whack, but couldnt' stick in long enough. With the run rate, predictions had the CSK total at 100ish, 115 at the most.

And then Dhoni came to the crease. He grabbed KKR by the scruffs of their necks, kicked them in their collective nuts and dragged his side kicking and screaming to 164. If ever a side needed their captain to step in and take charge, this was it. And Dhoni didn't disappointed: he got 66 in 33 balls, which included six 4s and three 6s; Badrinath did his bit as well but I'm sure that was only because of Dhoni's support.

When KKR stepped out to give their reply, Dhoni's bowlers stepped up in style. Clearly, the captain had threatened to hang them naked by their ankles and dunk them in hot custard if they repeated Sunday's ordinary performance. It worked. There were wickets all round (nearly); 3 for Kemp and even one for Muralitharan who got some impressive turn with the ball.

KKR crumbled before pressure from the Chennai bowlers and Dhoni's field placings. It's possible, just possible, that this guy has some idea what he's doing. This was a completely different Chennai side to the one that faced Deccan in their first match. This time the batting was average (mostly) and the bowling impressive.

At one point it looked like KKR wouldn't even hit three figures. They did, but still lost. They were bowled out for 109 in 19.2 overs. I was overjoyed when Bond went for 1 (stupid Kiwi) and that last run out was probably representative of the general feelings of the KKR batsmen - the body language of Sharma and Kartil screamed "let's just get it over with". Despite a good start with the ball, KKR had been utterly crushed by Dhoni and his team.

Sadly, Stupid Kiwi "get a haircut" Bond injured the God-like captain so here's hoping they don't need him to save them again next match. Haydos and his mongoose might have to actually, you know, play ...

Nice one. Now I've got some points. Cheers Paddle.

Pup and Bingle are yesterday's news

Aah, Clint ... I remember when Sid at Thoughts from the Dustbin used to write about me all the time. I was her page header once, you know, and she liked my legs if no one else did ... sigh ... check my legs, Clint. They're all right, aren't they?

"clint": Jesus, Ritz. Get a grip, man.

I told you I had an effect on the man. You heard it here first. Eat your hearts out, Dog and Biatch.

Swann mocks Bangladesh (and Hauritz)

To: nathan.hauritz@kingofmyownbackyard.com.au
From: graeme.swann@iamagit.co.uk

Hey Nate, check it!

I took 10 wickets in this last test. I totally rule at cricket and I'm musically talented. Can't wait to come to Oz later this year ... will you even be on the Aussie team?

Gray

***

To: graeme.swann@iamagit.co.uk
From: nathan.hauritz@kingofmyownbackyard.com.au

Hey Graeme,

10 wickets, eh? Against Bangladesh. What an achievement. I notice you couldn't manage it against South Africa. Or us. I may have only just got my first 5 for, but at least it was against a half decent team.

I will be on the Ashes side, mate. You don't think they'd go with that idiot Krejza, do you? I look forward to "accidently" hitting you with the ball.

Nathan

***

To: nathan.hauritz@kingofmyownbackyard.com.au
From: graeme.swann@iamagit.co.uk

To Nate,

A half decent team? Pakistan? Mate, even they admitted they must be crap if they let you get 18 wickets against them. Just like we admitted we were quite crap (although not as publicly) in the Cardiff test after letting you get a handful of wickets there ... except that last one. Couldn't get that one, could ya?

Are you sure you'll be on the team? I'd watch out for Steve Smith if I were you.

Gray

***

To: graeme.swann@iamagit.co.uk
From: nathan.hauritz@kingofmyownbackyard.com.au

Cheers "Gray". I will not be worrying about Steve - if he gets picked, I plan on putting prune juice in his bottles and impregnating his nanny (and making sure Harris gets the blame for it - might as well kill two birds with one stone) to kill his chances of actually playing.

And if I hear your fucking guitar just once at the Gabba, I'll take it and ram it somewhere it will hurt a great deal and take several doctors to extract. Clearly, Andy and the others feel sorry you and tell you how good you are but I don't give a shit, mate - YOU HAVE NO TALENT.

Nathan

***

To: nathan.hauritz@kingofmyownbackyard.com.au
From: graeme.swann@iamagit.co.uk

Aw, you're so sweet, Nate. I know you care, really.

Anyway, we've just won the test and I'm off to serenade the Bangladeshi team as a special treat on their loss. I tried to do the same for you guys at the Oval last year, but you always have Brett Lee working as a bouncer at your dressing room doors. He's scary as all shit, man. What will you do without him this time?

Well, the Bangladeshis don't mind. I wrote this song for them especially:

we're not as good

as we think we are

and your batsmen were better than expected

but eventually I

won the test for our team

As captain I think I should be elected

That's it, really. I'll just sing that over and over. I threw it together pretty quickly. You'd never know, though, would you? I know they'll appreciate the thought. Can't understand why none of my own team are coming to hear me play, though ...

See you in Brisbane (maybe).

Gray

***

To: graeme.swann@iamagit.co.uk

From: nathan.hauritz@kingofmyownbackyard.com.au

Graeme,

Fuck off.

Nathan

P.S. Loves ya xxx

Chennai Super Kings take a Right Royal Arse-kicking

Despite a dodgy internet connection and the dire ITV4 commentary team (seriously, Ronnie Irani?), I managed to sit down and watch the CSK match yesterday. This match, against the reigning champs, Deccan Chargers, was always going to be to tough. Gilly's team looked swish on paper - providing Symonds wasn't too drunk or the local fishing too tempting - and they were coming off the back of shock defeat in their first match; they'd be out there looking for redemption. But CSK are no slouches either, with Hayden, Dhoni, Vijay, Little Albie Morkel and Mularithuran in the mix, but would it be enough?

Gilly won the toss; opted to bat and the game was on. It was Dhoni vs. Gilchrist; wicket keeper batsman vs. wicket keep batsmen; a man I am slowly coming to respect a great deal vs. the man who took me from routine cricket-watching Aussie to full blown tragic.

The Deccan openers took off from the first ball and Deccan were 27 - 0 by the end of the 2nd over. Gilly's batting was so powerful that he hurt Morkel with it (a la' Strauss v Hauritz at Lords, although the finger was not dislocated in this case and a kiss from Little Albie's mum soon sorted him out). When his wicket fell it was a great relief for Chennai, but 15 overs down and Deccan had still only lost 2 wickets. Symonds was evidently only a can or two in and he and Gibbs, chubby bastards they may be, were looking like taking the Chargers to a huge total. The CSK bowlers were giving extras away all over the shop and Murali had bowled his full quota with very little impact. A breakthrough was desperately needed.

A couple of direct hits sent Gibbs and Symonds walking, but with a scoreboard showing 160, Deccan were already well on their way to a very defendable total. When the 20 overs were done, CSK found themselves chasing 191 to win.

They started slow, the CSK openers, and Vijay and Raina went early leaving Chennai at 18 - 2 in the third over. There was no sign of Matty Hayden's much talked about Mongoose bat, either, which as far as I'm concerned only backs up my theory that it is really just one of those little souvenir bats with a full sized handle glued on.

Hayden gave it a fair shot, but never really got settled and when he went, CSK needed 160 from 95 balls. It was looking impossible and the words "out" and "played" were rolling around my head. Dhoni and Little Albie, bless his cotton socks, stood up to the bowling as best they could but the damage was already done. It was almost painful to watch.

Deccan took the win in the end by 31 runs. Chennai was beaten on the day by the superior team, but it was not all negative - their was some real strength in Chennai's batting and at times the fielding and bowling verged on impressive. They can console themselves in the belief that things can only get better from here. This tournament is a long way from over yet.

26th - 30th December 2010 - A great time to take a pee

Can't get tickets for this year's Boxing Day test? Afraid the tickets you have will seat you with the freaky Barmy Army? Or just can't afford the fuckers to beign with? Do I have a solution for you ...

Pop on over to the Sofitel hotel in central Melbourne. I have it on good authority that the urinals in the men's bathroom on the 6th floor give a nice view of the MCG. So you don't actually need to buy tickets.

You just have to drink enough to pee for 4 - 5 days.

And you might need strong glasses.

And a penis.

Come to think of it, it's the 4th test so we'll have won the Ashes back by then anyway. I think I'll just watch it on TV.

The Kiwis nick the dead rubber

They were good
and we were shit
We lost by just a little bit.

As per usual
I didn't see our bowling
But I saw our batting and the wickets were rolling.

Their fielding was stylish
Their bowling was swish
Hussey and Hopes did alright-ish

But it wasn't enough
We needed something big

... jesus, I just can't rhyme today. I have a hangover, I struggled to watch the match on an awful website that kept coming in and out (particularly when My Lord was batting, so that has put me in a right fowl mood) and we lost.

Nice bowling and fielding, NZ. See you in the first test.

My Lord pretends to be a bowler for the day and there are removal vans ...

Once again, the match started while I was asleep and I had to go to work, so I only got to see some of our batting and none of our bowling. This, of course, means I missed My Blessed actually showing up and taking 3-46 (I hear he was "mauled" by Tuffey - lucky Dazza!) and Mitchy's dancing. Mitchy really is just too happy lately - I think he is secretly pleased that someone else's relationship is being trumpeted over the media (although if Pup's mum puts in an appearance, I might get scared). The good news is that it shouldn't last too long - this is Mitchy after all.

So, Ponting won the toss again and opted to field again (what? Could it be that Punter really does know what he's doing?) and our bowlers restricted  the Kiwis to 238. A wee dram of rain and a visit from Lord and Lady Duckworth-Lewis and we found ourselves chasing 200 from 34 overs.

There were moments I was unsure we would make it, but in the end Bloody Vic and the Muss did it with 17 balls to spare. Ponting and White both made half-centuries and Adam Voges - who looked pretty confident despite a slightly shaky start (that ain't easy when your state side is in compelte disarray).

On the Kiwi side, I was impressed with what I saw of McCullum and Tuffey but once again it was the skipper who really stood up and tried to curb our enthusiasm. Love ya, Dan. So long as you keep on losing to us.

And what of the test side? There are no real surprises, so I won't bother listing the names. If you want to see them head over to Ian's blog. Pup is on the list and will apparently be there. There are stories of a missing ring and removal vans at their place in Sydney ... blah blah bliddy blah ... I say: "Mr Clarke, ditch her, get your shit together and get the fick back to New Zealand where you belong."

I'm quite vehement.

The Interblogactic IPL Battle

In case you had forgotten, I managed to get a bit carried away with the IPL (there was that woman, remember?) for day or two and have now found myself taking part in the Paddlesweep's spectacular IPL Blogtastic Superblogular battle. Having recently told our Miss Jane that I tend to only write about Australian cricket (with the odd exception), I will soon be a cruel mockery of myself as I write match reports on all Chennai Super Kings matches in the IPL.

I don't plan to stop writing about Australia, though (that would be impossible), so anti-IPL folk like Sir Ian Baggy Green and Wessington, should not feel the need to avoid me like plague.

So, this is how the battle works: there will be 8 teams each represented by a different blog. Each blog will write a match report on their team's match - regardless of victory or loss - meaning that each match will be covered from 2 perspectives. That in itself should be interesting. Points will be given for a win as well as the quality of the post. In the end there will be a winner. And we all know it will probably be CWB, but who cares? It should be fun and there should be some good reads.

Without much further ado, the participating blogs are:

• Paddlesweep - Deccan Chargers
• Cricket with Balls - Delhi Daredevils
• The Cricketer (proud daddy of a new baby girl, in case anyone didn't know) - Kings XI Punjab
• Sportzfreak - Kolkata Knight Riders
• Poshin's World - Royal Challengers Bangalore
• All Padded Up - Mumbai Indians
• Forward Short Leg - Rajasthan Royals
• and Yours Truly will be looking at CSK

We're but days away now, people (1st match, March 12th Deccan Chargers v Kolkata Knight Riders) - let's start the insanity!

Mussey moves on up; Hads impresses with the bat again and we win - the world makes sense again.

In the absence of Pup, Mussey moved up to number 4 today. It wasn't that successful, but it was only a temporary measure - we should be seeing Tasmanian George Bailey in the side for the next match, which I'm excited about because I'm a huge Jimmy Stewart fan - and it is always good to experiment like that. We have to be flexible. After all, it's only a matter of time before Rhianna breaks a fingernail and Punter has to rush home mid-tour as well.

 New Zealand, George - you're going to New Zealand. Stupid Tasmanian!

So I only got to see the batting, because the rest happened while I was asleep. I believe Punter won the toss and actually opted to bowl. He must have struggled to get that out. I didn't think the word "bowl" was in his vocabulary anywhere. Mitchy's figures look damn good again (this is getting too much now) and between him, Ry the Not Jimmeh and Twatto the Kiwis were limted to 245.

The batting started so well. Not that it ended badly, but didn't that last 10 runs take an age to come? I was actually starting to worry, but then I do have a habit of doing that. Twatto went for 15, but Ponting and Hads kicked some serious arse. Hads hit a handful of fine 6s for his 110, the joy of which was tripled by two things:

1. at least a couple of them came off Fatty Styris
2. we got to hear the local commentators saying "that's a sex" several times (music to any pisstaking Aussie's ears).

The Muss may not have got past 9, but his wicket brought Bloody Vic White in and he was brimming with confidence, as ever. He wasted hardly any time getting going and it was him and Adam Voges who brought the game home. It was a slow finish, but a pretty fine batting performance all round.

I have but one more thing to say ... I still adore Daniel Vettori.

For now.

Bingle's Breasts trump international cricket

We have been asked to respect Pup's privacy.

Piss right off.

The guy has gone home from New Zealand because his shy and retiring missus flashed her breasts to a footballer a couple of years back and the picture has just been published.

Sorry, but I don't care.

A divorce; a death in the family; lack of golf; a birth; your pet pig learning to fly - these are all valid reasons for the vice-captain of an international cricket team to leave in the middle of a tour and go home. Having a slapper for a girlfriend is not on the list.

I hope we sweep the reast of the series without him and they give his vice-captaincy to Bloody Vic Cam White. And, coming from me, that's saying something.

When Sachin met the Don ... and Belinda.

Tendulkar: Mr Bradman ...

Bradman: ... that's Sir Bradman, actually.

T: ... of course, sorry. Sir Bradman.

B: Call me Don. The rest of the world does. So, I hear you've done quite well.

T: I'm the first person ever to get a double century in an ODI. Did you ever do anything like that?

B: Well, I never played one-day cricket. My playing career ended in the 40s, remember? I did finish with a career average of 99.94 though.

T: Mine's about 55 at the moment, for tests. Slightly less for the one-days. It's not 99.94, I admit, but I'm working on it.

B: And that's with all the fancy protective gear. Try playing on crap grounds, with hardly any protection and the spectators practically on the pitch and then come back to me with your 55.

T: Be fair, Don. We play a lot more cricket these days than in your time. My 55 is pretty good, considering ...

B: Well, you don't hear Ponting complaining, but whatever ... these really are very different times in cricket, aren't they?

T: They are ... so, uh, why are we meeting ...?

B: Because ever since your little feat, every cricket journalist and blogger in the world has compared us. The forces of darkness and light have combined in a whirlwind and the result is you and me in the same room. It was inevitable, really.

T: It doesn't really work, though, does it?

B: No, it doesn't and I was quite happily beating Douglas Jardine at chess, thank you very much.

[A knock on the door. A woman enters.]

Belinda: Hi there. I'm Belinda Clark. I wasn't invoked by the forces of dark and light and there was no bloody whirlwind for me, because nobody gives a toss about me ... but guess what, Sache? You were NOT the first person to get a double century in an ODI, that was me.

T: What? But I'm Indian ... it's supposed to be an Indian ... I'm sure that's in the laws of cricket by now ...

B: If it is, John Howard will soon get rid of it.

Belinda: Anyway, can both of you get over yourselves now? Sachin you go back to being the second person to get that double century and Don, you can go back to being dead. Ok?

B: Ok, then. Tiddlywinks against Wally Hammond at 12 ...

Punter ignores himself and cheeky Vettori tries it on.

After the loss in the first ODI, Punter put out a call to arms telling his batsmen (himself included) to get their shit together. It seems they all answered the call, except Punter himself. And Pup. Hads, Cammie and the Muss all got over 50; Twatto got 47 (just under a milestone - now, that's not like our Twatto, is it?) and Jimmeh did all right again, this time making 29 before being run out.

Having said that, if we learned anything from the first ODI it's that we will probably need to be getting 290+ to keep the Kiwis at bay, so there was every chance 273 was not going to be enough.

It was, but Styris and Vettori did put up a bit of a fight. My Lord took out Fatty Styris for 46 but Danny - who is still the only Kiwi I will ever like, although that's wavering - totally took the piss with his 70. Bastard. Ry the Not Jimmeh went up (slightly) in my estimation by bowling him.

I think I'm so good, surely I can fly ...

I'm still not convinced Ry isn't completely over rated and what the hell is up with Mitchy? Is it just me, or is he being consistently good suddenly? It's very upsetting - I might have to start being nice to him and you all know how much I would hate that.

A little picture or 2 to tide you over ...

... seeing as I am lacking in inspiration, I thought I'd post a couple of pictures instead. Boring, I know, but let's hope I get a clearer head and some ideas tomorrow.

It should be easier when we've won :-)

 

  

Lords under snow, January 2010

Once upon a time, NSW's Captain Kat was Derbyshire's Captain Kat, and we spent a lot of time at the cricket (usually watching Derbyshire lose); this was one of the many days we had to wait for the rain to go away. It did eventually. Aaah, the English summer.

So ... until tomorrow, people ...

Application to be ICC president

Dear Cricket Australia and NZ Cricket,

My name is John Howard. You might remember me as the little guy from Bennelong who made lots of noise in the Australian parliament in the 80s and early 90s. And then I was Prime Minister of that country for about 11 years, although everyone is still trying to work out why. Even me.

I would like to be president of the ICC. I think you should nominate me because:

• I coined the term "cricket tragic" (or claim to, anyway)
• I'm white.
• My middle name is Winston, which the English will love.
• I didn't make fun of Darrell Hair, as others did (Not publicly anyway. But that's the case for most people so you can ignore that).
• I called Murali on being a "chucker" that time, which I am allowed to do because he is not Australian. I stand by it as well ... they proved it in Perth that time with that thing ... at that place ... whatever it was ... that proves I'm a lovable rogue.
• I'll put those brown people in India and that country right next door right in their place ... we all want that right?
• There will be no more tours for brown people to white people countries, unless they agree to stay in an internment camp for 6 weeks on arrival.
• and I'll put a stop to this bollocks of women playing cricket. What's that all about? Women should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, not playing sport!
• Ricky Ponting likes the idea ... he said it will be good for cricket to have some of my ilk in the position. What the hell's an ilk? Jesus, Punter's a git sometimes.
• I can't play cricket for shit; I have no background or even experience in sport administration and, in fact, I was a shit Prime Minister. I couldn't even keep my own seat let alone the top job.

I am obviously the perfect candidate. Give it to me, please?

Oh, go on.

Love and kisses,

John Howard

Excuse me!! Who said the Kiwis could learn to play cricket?

Right, listen up! You all clearly misunderstood me ... when I said I was bored and wanted a bit of excitement, it was on the proviso that Australia still end up winning, if only by a lesser margin. So what the hell is going on?

How dare New Zealand feel they have the right to win not one, but two matches against us? And how dare the guy who did most of the work be an old, chubby fucker?

Jeez, Scottie ... you've really let yourself go, mate.

I hear that's what Mitchy was saying to him, anyway. Apparently, Johnson and Styris appeared to clash heads and words were had between the two of them and then there was a wee incident where they got physical. It sounds like Mitchy was feeling the pressure of being pied about by a guy who generally just eats pies, and he let loose. Sounds quite fair to me :-) Both players have been fined, so that's nice. Or not.

The bit that really gets me is where Hads steps in to separate the two ... Hads?!?! The guy who is usually the first in to a punch up actually tried to calm things down. Was he high or something?

 

Scotty, I'd step back if I were you ... Mitchy's a hair puller. It's never pretty.

Soooo ... as you can probably tell, I have very little inspiration here. It's tough to write about a match you've lost, even if it was a close one with fighting, and especially if you haven't seen it. So please feel free to write your thoughts on the match in the comments ... I am hoping that Sky will start showing the matches again, now that we've lost a couple.

They're usually pretty good like that.

Bangladesh lose to an Irishman and I throw my opinion about again.

Dammit, Bangladesh - I really thought you had this one. Decent batting performance and a miserable one from England, with the exception of Eeeewwoooinn Morgan (or however you spell it) who became the first guy to get a century for two different countries (or something like that) (it was England, I wasn't that interested) (I would have been if they'd lost).

Bangladesh really looked on track to win after being put in to bat by Captain Cook and making 260, but just couldn't stop Morgan. Despite losing 8 wickets to a fairly average bowling attack, Morgan and Treadwell brought England home. Just. Bastards.

Does anyone else think Treadwell looks uncannily like Postman Pat?

Seriously, put glasses and a mailman's hat on him (I tried, but couldn't find a decent Pat hat for him so use your imaginations, you lazy beggars) and he's a dead ringer!

So, anyway ... what does everyone think about this switching countries business? Morgan has now made a century for 2 different countries. Is that right? Dirty Dirk breaks my heart in two every time he smiles, but should he really have switched from the Netherlands to Australia? Should that even be allowed?

I just feel there's something amiss with it, but I haven't given it a lot of thought yet. It seems to favour the larger teams over the "minnows". I'm curious to know what you all think. If, indeed, you do think.

Hildy reminds us who he is. Not that we care.

Australia have named a so-called "preliminary" T20 squad to travel to the Caribbean. No one really knows why. It means shit. Basically around 30 guys have been named as players who might go to the Caribbean. They might not. And they might.

I'm not going to type it out because I don't have all day and I would rather avoid RSI, particularly when the list means jack because we all know CA will go with the usual suspects. The list includes Binga, Pseudo Nathan, a heap of state players that no one outside of Australia will have heard of and a couple of Tasmanians who have barely heard of themselves. And the usual suspects.

Essectially, Hilditch has decided to wield his power a bit and dangle hopes of an international call-up before unknowns, wannabes and Nathan Bracken. Oh, and us. Because we all want Brett Lee to go, right?

Crapinfo had words with Fucker Hildy about it; they were all nice to him and shit so we don't want to know about it.

I also had a few words with him:

Sid: So, Hildy you moron ...

AH: ... sorry, I was listening to the Pussycat Dolls on the iphone Bracks sent me ... I'll just switch it off ... right, what was that?


Sid: ... do you not think this is a waste of time? Is it not also giving false hope to a heap of young players? Are you a complete bastard or what?


AH: Well, Sid, as you know I am a complete bastard. And a complete incompetent. I was getting bored with Australia winning all the time and Ponting and Pup pretty much having the team sorted - which makes my job almost non-existent - and I couldn't wait to get on with some selection. So, for shits and giggles, I thought I'd make this list. I figured it would be fun to make some of the lads think they have a chance of being picked and I was right ... I've had some great presents (cheers, Nathan).

Sid: That's pretty fucked up actually, Hildy.

AH: Well, yeah. But I was bored. Plus, I can do whatever I want. I am the chairman of selectors, you know? No, really.