T20 World Cup and Masturbation #1

Not really.

Got you looking though, didn't it?

I just thought I'd make a wee effort to keep up with the groups other than group A. Don't worry, I don't plan to do a preview of them all and their teams and all that stuff. Partly because it has been done (and most likely done better than I could have, I hasten to add) at Wes's blog and at Rish's blog but mostly because I don't actually give a toss about any team other than Australia. The only reason I'm doing this is to help me to hazard a guess or two at who we might meet in the latter stages of the competition.

Of course, I'm going to have to call all of the posts T20 World Cup and Masturbation now, but you'll get used to it.

Basically, as the matches are played and the group standings alter, I will try to update them so we can keep up with how everyone is looking. So, pretty soon I will no doubt be reporting that group A looks like this:

Australia (played 2, won 2, lost 0)
Bangladesh (played 2, won 1 lost 1)
Pakistan (played 2, won 0, lost 2)

Today's matches are one from group B (NZ v SL) and one from group D (W.I. v IRE). Tomorrow, we have group C (AFG v IND) and group A (BANG v PAK).

See you tomorrow night for an update, then.

Come join the insanity.

So, at Stani's insistence, I have joined the fantasy cricket over at Cricket Web for the duration of the T20 world cup. It looks like fun, so I think you should all join us.

Now, when you see my team you will most likely do one of the following:

a) laugh at me and mock me cruelly
b) think I have lost my mind and suggest therapists
c) all of the above

Here it is:

David Warner
Chris Gayle
Murali Vijay
Cameron White
Paul Collingwood (c)
Abdul Razzaq
Albie Morkel
Tim Paine
Mitchell Johnson
Lasith Malinga

... and ...

Graeme Swann (spit, spit)

BUT ... before you go sending counsellors to my house, hear this: I had a budget. I couldn't, for example, afford Dhoni as keeper and had to settle for Paine. I needed a spinner and My Lord is more actually expensive than Graeme Swann.

So you see, it isn't all bad.

It hurts, but it isn't all bad.

I warned him ...

What the fuck? 20? 20 from ONE over? This is Zimbabwe ... haven't you read the script?

 

The Dossier

Slipped into Shahid Afridi's hand, by a man in dark glasses and a trenchcoat, the following was later stolen and emailed to me:

Tips on how to beat Australia in the T20 world cup:

• Have someone run into Brett Lee "accidentally". He's only being held together with cellotape at the moment, so it won't take much to break him.
• If Steve Smith is playing, steal his blankie right before the match starts. He can't bowl without it.
• If Nathan Hauritz is playing, you'll be fine - he's expensive as all shit.
• When Michael Clarke is batting, have a photo of some chick naked in a shower and wave it around near him.
• Pay Mitchy's mum to hang around the edge of the field, with a Peppa Pig lunch box calling "yoo hoo, Mitch" occasionally. That should keep Johnson bowling those famous pies.
• When Mussey bats, have someone whisper to him that Dave has baggsed the front seat of the coach for the journey back to the hotel. That should screw up both of them.
• Speak in any language other than English when Haddin is batting and, if relevant, praise Allah a few times in his earshot. That should be enough to set him off - he's not the most broad minded guy.
• It might be tough for some of you, Shahid, but try to refrain from eating the equipment. We all secretly love your antics, but a suspension for ball tampering will not help your side keep this trophy.

And, finally, if you are anywhere near as good as those giants of cricket, Zimbabwe, you can forget all of the above and just show up.

My poetry is lacking, but CSK is not (my final IPL post and a tribute to the winners, Chennai)

As you can guess, I was all out of poetry ideas. And Paddle, I think now is the time to reconsider the idea that the blog whose team wins the IPL doesn't necessarily win the blog battle ...

I think I should get a prize ...

Hangin out and Holding Willeys

If you've been over to visit Purna lately, you'll know that she is visiting with Holding Willey for the duration of the T20 world cup.

Never one to let someone else get credit when I want it (I'm the youngest of 5 - it can't be helped), I'm visiting over there as well.

My first piece is here. It might be a little bit different to what you're used to, Wes would probably say there's not enough "Sid" in it, but that's the spirit of Holding WIlley so I'm giving it a go.

Feel free to disagree with me on the bowling, I don't mind. I had to identify why I don't think Australia will win the world cup and saying because the Kiwis and the Stanis are better than us just isn't enough. I know some think it's the batting that could let us down, but how can you argue with a top four like Warner, Watson, Clarke and White? On paper the batsmen look fantastic. So Mitchy and My Lord have worn it - only because I think they can be a bit iffy at times.

Sorry guys.

A Chennai Semi-final Haiku (or two)

The total
was quite small
but Chennai had heart
Gilly's boys fell apart

Harro tried
to elevate his side
Chennai bowled with class
they kicked arse

OK that was crap. I am rubbish at the haiku. Actually, I'm rubbish at poetry altogether but only one more Chennai poem to go now.

Anyway, despite a relatively modest total (142) in the first innings, CSK beat Deccan in the second semi-final and will now face Mumbai in the final on the 25th.

See you there with rhymes.

For you Paddlesweep

Why I should get Lalit Modi's job

• I played cricket at school, and currently play in a league against my son and my mate Derek everytime it rains at a Derbyshire home match, so I probably know more about cricket than Modi does
• While I wouldn't sniff at some extra cash, it won't be my main motive for running the IPL
• I could really use some extra cash
• I'm Australian and care about the fate of current cricket that is not IPL, so I will consider a ruling about current players getting involved and will try to tone down some of the bling of it all - we Aussies like our cricket pure, lose the damn cheerleaders and the stupid electronic scoreboards with their crass statements every time there's a boundary
• I'm probably going to lose my job in the next 3 months, so I'll have the time
• finally - it doesn't look like the BCCI are actually going to reach a unanimous decision to sack him, so surely another contender putting their hand up can only help matters

Seriously, though, if Modi is the VP of the BCCI how is said BCCI meant to come to a unanimous decision (quoting Pawar) about his IPL position? Will he have to sit outside the room like a kid with detention and play on his DS while they talk about it?

That would actually be quite cool. Can someone take photos?

Another Love Letter from Hildy

Dear Brett,

Are you injured again? What a shame. Does this mean you might not be able to play in the Caribbean? That really would be awful, Brett, just awful. We'll just have to make do with Johnson, Nannes and Tait. They're not you, of course, but we'll have to manage, won't we?

Not that I would want to be seen as coercing you or anything, and you know I really am your biggest fan, but maybe you should consider retiring altogether. You really have been a walking injury this last year or so, haven't you? It's just a thought.

Of course, I am the chairman of selectors (honest, I am) and can just choose not to use you if I want, but when I do that people get all mean to me. It seems you're a popular guy with the Australian public and I'm not. Can't think why ... I'm so jolly. And damn powerful.

Take care (or don't ...)

Andy Hilditch
Chairman of Selectors
Cricket Australia

No, really.

Despite Warrior Shaunie's efforts, CSK make the semi finals

Kings XI are out, they were playing for pride
If CSK could win, it was the semis for their side
Shaunie stepped up with the bat, he had something to say
Kings would go out with a win, if he had his way
From beginning to end, Warrior Shaunie did bat
Took Kings XI to 192, though Pathan helped him with that
When Chennai started their chase, it looked pretty grim
Hayden got out quickly, but what else did you expect from him?
But then Raina got going and Badri stepped up
then Dhoni, the slick finisher, and even Albie kept up
And so it's off to the semis where they're set to face Deccan
Dhoni vs. Gilly - should be good, what do you reckon?

There you go, Mr Sweep

CSK make Delhi work hard

Channai batted first
and it didn't look good;
Hayden went early
but you knew he would.

The Delhi bowlers took them down
spin, particularly, was king;
from 3 wickets down to 5 in two overs
it was a damn scary thing.

I didn't think they'd make 20 overs
but, fortunately, they did;
they lost nine wickets along the way
and to 112 they slid.

It should've been simple for the Delhi boys
they should've walked it in;
but CSK were having none of that
their bowlers, too, made a din.

They took a couple of early wickets
and felt they were on a roll;
but Gambhir and Manhas took a stand
although the humidity took its toll.

They finall got it done, Gambhir and Manhas
Delhi finally won the day;
it took them nearly 19 overs, though
Did CSK make it easy? No way!

Brett Lee is a puzzle

A jigsaw puzzle that is. Or perhaps he is related to Humpty Dumpty? All non-Indian fears about the IPL have just come true for Aussies - Brett Lee is injured again and he's done it playing in the IPL (and for a team that is already out of it!).

So whether he is a jigsaw puzzle or a lesser known cousin of Mr Dumpty, I think we need to change the rules of the Ashes: I think that if Punter and Pup can put him back together before October we just get the first two tests.

Fair?

Ok, no - just the first test then?

What? No way?

Bugger ... it was worth a try.

The Day CSK sent KKR packing.

With the toss, Ganguly was up
he sent his boys out to bat;
Gayle started being his usual self
My Lord has nightmares about that.

But it wasn't to be, as after one six
the silly beggar got himself stumped;
Poor McCullum wasn't far behind
And Chennai's Ashwin was pumped.

Then Ganguly was on strike and Bolly stepped up
he made a successful LBW call;
Ganguly should have been safe - it was missing leg stump
but if the umpire says, he must fall.

Dussey was stunned by Dhoni's quick hands
and Ashwin was still on a high;
he tried his best to get Angie Mathews, too
But Taufel wouldn't let that one fly.

Mathews and Tiwary took a stand
and added 73 of the total one thirty nine;
But with Raina and Vijay on a roll
To be sure, Chennai would be just fine.

CSK lost just one wicket in their chase
and pushed their team up to second;
For the team that looked shite when the IPL started
the semi-finals now beckon.

Chennai Superkings Won by 9 wickets.
For you Paddle

Wiradjuri it is!

In the all-important question that has been on everyone's mind this last week (along with "who will I vote for in the UK general election?" and "who invented liquid soap and why?") it was a close race between Wiradjuri - suggested by everyone's favourite Pakistani with a chip on his shoulder Stani - and Can't you just call him Dan?, the boring one thrown in by me to fill the gaps.

Wiradjuri won by only one vote, so clearly you bastards all dislike my arrogant little need to give cricketers a nick name, for which you will all be hunted down and have dehydrated turtles pushed through your letter boxes.

I like giving the names and I shall continue.

Everyone, meet Wiradjuri. He's been added to the list.

The Knee of Hilfy

Any Crapinfo article that starts "Ben Hilfenhaus hopes to be able to walk" is going to scare the pants of an Aussie cricket fan, but when it's but months before the Ashes I start considering my hibernation options. You've all no doubt noticed that my confidence in the Australian side has somewhat waned of late and I am starting to panic about the Ashes.

So hearing that Hilfy still has the most fucked up knee in the history of knees the world over is, to put it bluntly, not so good. And I can promise you that I have checked the history of knees the world over.

We can't lose the Ashes in Australia. We just can't. Life as we know it would be over. We'd have to put up with endless interviews of Strauss, the man who makes dead trees seem animated, and photos in the paper of Twatfeatures Swann after he takes another mega-haul of wickets. Some misguided record company might even ... no, that's too dire to even consider.

So, Mister Hilfenhaus, you need to get your shit together and learn to walk and bowl or whatever it takes. Get a plastic knee if you have to, dammit! I don't want to put too much pressure on you or anything, but we really REALLY want you to be fit. You know Mitchy can't do it on his own and Harris is not to be trusted. And Sids ... well, Sids is a Victorian so we just never know what he's going to do.

It's up to you, Hilf. But, you know ... no pressure or anything ...

Swanning About

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't avoiding this blog. I have been. It's named after Graeme Swann and you know how I feel about such things.

But, after a little plug from Sarah Canterbury on Twitter and an appearance on the The 40 Most Exciting Cricket Blogs I thought it was probably time to go check it out. I left it a couple of days out of respect for My lord, the better spinner of the two, but eventually I went.

And the first post I see is one taking the piss out of Shane Watson. Well, I ask you ... how can you go wrong? Anyone who makes fun of Twatto is okay with me.

So long as they don't mind me insulting Twatface Swann on occasion.

Scrabble, Proper Nouns and Cricket Selection

I read on the BBC website this week that Mattel are releasing a new version of Scrabble in a couple of months, which will have new rules allowing for the use of proper nouns. In addition to this, it is a little known fact that Andrew Hilditch is a closet Scrabble fan.

So, with these two things in mind I have decided to send Fucker Hildy a letter suggesting - since he seems to have no discernable system at the moment - that he might like to try using the Scrabble scoring system to select players for contracts. He can't do a worse job, surely?

I've taken it upon myself to calculate the scores of various players, according to Scrabble letter values, starting with Bracks and Ginge MacDonald:

BRACKEN    B    R    A    C    K    E    N
                 2    1     1      2    5     1    1    =13

MACDONALD    M    A    C    D    O    N    A    L    D
                        3     1      3    1     1     1     1    1    2    =13

So that's no help - they both get 13! Taking Lou's thoughts into account, though:

VOGES        V    O    G    E    S
                  4    1     2     1    1    =9

OK, then - Lou's right. Keep MacDonald and lose Voges. Bring back Bracks.

Excitingly, this system does put Harris (9 points) out in favour of Hopes (10 points) but it dumps North (9 points) in favour of Stevie Smith (10 points). Ponting makes 10 points, which is good for him because it's higher than he can count; Clarke gets 12 points and Katich 15. Sounds like Captain Kat and VC Pup, right?

WRONG.

Clearly, the vice captaincy should go to Mitchy with his 17 points and the captaincy - I'm ever so delighted to tell you - goes to My Lord Nathan, with a whopping 19 points.

What else can I say?

More Chennai Poetry

Chennai won the toss
they wanted to avoid another loss
The batting started well
but then Matty Hayden fell
Vijay played with some flare
but took a run that wasn't there
Raina impressed but when he fell
the rest of the batting went to hell
An ordinary total was all they managed
It wouldn't be enough to cause Deccan damage
Mishra and Suman kicked some arse
Gilly showed a little of his usual class
Roy was sober and managed twenty seven
to take Deccan to victory heaven
Three matches left, they're in fifth place
And it ain't over yet, this little race.

There you go Paddle

Dear Nathan ...

You may have noticed that when we announced the list of players with contracts for 2010/11, you were not on it. Annoying, isn't it?

Well, you have been out injured for a long time. I know, I know - so has Brett Lee and Jimmy Hopes. I'm not a big fan of Brett, but I'm pretty sure I'd get hate mail if he was left off the list and that makes me cry. And Jimmy, well when he is fit he's pretty handy. He's much better with a bat than you.

You'll notice Manou also got dropped for Tim Paine. I like Timmy, he's so cute. I have big jones for Callum Fergie as well, so he had to be on the list injured or no. With him and Shaun Tait, that's our South Aussie quota filled so Manou had to go. Plus, I hate that stupid song.

And then there's Andrew McDonald. Well, we just kept him on for a laugh. We'll never use the useless fucker. It all came down to hair in the end. Sorry mate, but you chose to have that silly hair cut; Andy didn't choose to be so ginger. Oh, and your middle name is Wade. I don't like it.

At the end of the day, I am the Chairman of Selectors (no, really) and I can do whatever the hell I want.

from Andy Hilditch
Chairman of Selectors, Cricket Australia

Seriously ... I am.

Amazing, I know.

I ♥ World Cricket Watch

The lads at World Cricket Watch have done a wee list of the 40 most exciting cricket blogs on the web (as opposed to those on the TV - sorry guys, couldn't resist) and - surprise, surprise - both Purna and myself have made the list.

Thanks guys! It's probably time I forgave you for being English now, isn't it?

Go check out the list the 40 most exciting Cricket Blogs on the Web.

Face it lads, without Sachin you ain't nuthin.

CSK's third home match
and they wanted another win
Thank god won the toss,

They opted to bat
they didn't make so much
with 165, it could easily have been a loss.

When Sachin stepped out
he made the chase look so simple
but then he started to crumble.

Dehydration took its hold
the great man retired
and lo, but the Mumbai batting did crumble.

Suddenly Chennai could bowl,
Chennai could field
they took a wicket per over for six.

Withouth their great leader
Mumbai were on 92 - 7
A score even Sachin's return could not fix.

He was soon caught out
then the win was made real
and Chennai moved up to fourth.

Mumbai still sit on top
it'll take more than one loss to stop them
That is what Tendulkar is worth.

Chennai won by 24 runs

I'm getting damn fine at this cricket poetry business. Check it, Paddle.

A Recipe for Ashes Disaster

Ingredients:

1 arrogant, overconfident captain

1 vice captain being lead around by the penis or one who is partying hard every night after a breakup

2 spinners, one barely out of nappies and one whose ability everyone (still) doubts

1 elderly batsman

1 struggling batsman with a young 'un on his tail

2 constantly injured bowlers

1 bowler whose Mummy upsets him

A handful of virtual rookie test bowlers (including an over rated Queenslander)

2 English bowlers on a high after recent tours, one marinated in alcohol if possible

3 or 4 South Africans disguised as Englishmen (always more likely to be successful Down Under)

At least 1 umpire who hates Aussies

A selector who doesn't have a clue (to fuck things up throughout the tour)

Preparation:

Ideally you want to have spent the year preceding the Ashes playing as few tests as possible; those played should be against opposition that will not make the team work too hard. Under no circumstances should tests be played against tough opposition, such as South Africa or India. Stick to sides who have not won a test against you in years; one who is in the process of sacking all its players and/or one whose captain vocally dislikes tests.

Also, you should spend most of the preceding year playing T20 and ODIs and, where possible, have a nice break in April so as many players as possible can go to the IPL and maybe get themselves injured.

Method:

The weather in Brisbane should make it hard not to do well in the first test, especially when 3 of your bowlers and one of your openers hails from that region and will be more used to the heat than the Poms, but you can always send Mitchy's mum in with the drinks - she can nag him on the way through - and hope the QLDers revisit their dislike of Ritzy for decamping to the Blues and start hissing.

From there, Adelaide could go either way and Perth is yours to be lost - the South Africans should help out with that, they've done it before. The locals will never forgive you if you throw the Boxing Day test but Sydney ... well, who knows what will happen in Sydney? It's the ground spinners tend to love, so you might want to throw your wickets away to Swann as often as you can and let Ritzy go to the movies. It worked at the Oval in 2009, didn't it?

To Serve:

Basically, it should be hard to lose the Ashes at home, but remember the English know their test form will never be taken completely seriously until they win the Ashes Down Under - they will be on a mission. If you do consider losing the Ashes again, please take into account those of us who have to put up with the arrogant bastards for the following couple of years until you can return and take the damn thing back again.

Ponting's letter to Dhoni the night before the match against Rajasthan

Dear M.S,

Since we finished wiping the floor with the Kiwis (again) (except that one T20, but that's because I wasn't there), I am having a break and have been tuning in to watch the IPL. I've noticed your side has, frankly, been shit. OK, that's not completely fair, your batting is strong but apart from Murali the bowling seriously needs kicking up the butt.

Remember when I came to India last year for that one day series? Well, as my bowlers were either injured or Ritzy I was actually in a similar position to you at the moment. So, I thought I'd give you some pointers. You may or may not have read that recently I gave New Zealand some ideas on how they may be less shit and they were well appreciative, because I am a legend and feel I ought to share the depth of my knowledge with as many needy people as I can.

So, here's what I'm thinking for CSK in relation to the match against that fat bastard Warne's lot:

• First, get Dougie B. out there. He's a wierdo who likes to dance about mid-match, but he is a big intimidating fucker and he ain't bad with the ball.
• The toss is important, you want to win it; pay someone if you have to.
• If you win it, choose to bat first. Bat like fuck, get a shitload of runs. You want around 246 or so - this will take the pressure off your crap as all hell bowlers.
• Don't rely too much on Hayden - he ain't that good these days.
• Tell Raina to go mad - he's damn good; he could get a century or more.
• Try not to get out for a duck yourself. I do that a lot and it sucks.
• Remember Morks may sometimes be iffy with the ball, but he's pretty swish with the bat.
• Hope like hell your bowlers can hold the Royals at bay long enough for them to run out of overs before catching you; they may get close, but they won't do quite enough.

If you do all of this, you might just win and one day you might be as good as me. Almost. You have to get the smarmy grin down. It takes practise.

Love and Bunnies,

Rick

Note: CSK managed to take Punter's advice and they won by 23 runs. Punter has given himself a medal for it.

Cheers Paddle.

Oh, my god - they won!

The toss was lost by Dhoni
And Kumble sent his boys out to bat;
He's got a poor record in this, has Dhoni
Ponting, what do you think about that?

Uthappa went out and bitchslapped Morks
He was sent away to field in disgrace
Uthappa would have been out but for a drop
To the bowlers he said, "in your face!"

Big fat Kallis managed to take 50
although our Murali made him work damn hard,
but who needs bad fielding with KP around
He ran his mate out with 52 on the card.

In came Cam White, on an opposing team for a change
so I can take the piss out him as much as I please,
But he was so damn good, it's hard to do;
He, Morks and KP took it to 161 with ease.

Hayden and Vijay didn't piss about
they went out hard and fast;
but this is Hayden we're talking about
I knew it couldn't last.

Vijay, however, didn't go so quick
he was determined to stick around,
Bangalore even let KP bowl
and Vijay took him to town.

Until he was out, then the captain came in
and the batting was still looking good;
51 to get from 42 balls
in their way only Kumble really stood.

With ordinary bowling and sloppy fielding,
Dhoni and Raina could've walked it home.
It wasn't to be, though, because the captain went
and Morks came out to bat some.

He didn't last long, and neither did Badri
but Raina would not be held back,
As the win snuck closer, the excitement grew
the ball Raina continued to smack.

It was finally over, the win in the bag
and Kumble was very much not fine.
The crowd was going mad though, and CSK were relieved,
All I could think was "about bloody time".

cheers, Paddle.