There really is a Santa Claus

Or there's a Pup and a Punter anyway. Finally, FINALLY we have seen a batting performance from the Aussies that we can be proud of. Punter got past 35 for the first time since about December and Pup - who would have got a century if it weren't for Little Stevie - ended up on 99 not out.

It's nice to see, and no one needed this more than those two, but it does raise a question - why the fuck didn't they do this 3 matches ago?

Well, they made it 290 and for the first time in a while, made the English bowlers look a bit shit. Which they are, really.

Let's hope Big Dougie and Wild Thing can clean them right up, now. Because we don't like to win series', we like to only just lose them.

Dave, meet everyone; Everyone, meet Dave

Actually, if you've been using twitter, you have probably met him already.

Dave writes cricket poetry and posts it on his website. He also accepts poetry from other writers and has posted my recent attempt at exhibiting cricket pain through the medium of verse. Of course, I have actually written a lot of cricket poetry on here and Dave has managed to completely ignore me thus far.

So, tongues out to you, Dave.

The Fat Man in Yorkshire and Davo

Doing my usual daily troll around newspaper websites and politics blogs today, I came across an article about grossly fat, ex-deputy PM John Prescott and my eye was caught by a comment about cricket.

 [THERE WAS MEANT TO BE A PICTURE OF PRESCOTT HERE BUT MY BLOG FROZE IN PROTEST EVERY TIME I TRIED TO UPLOAD IT. GO FIGURE]

I saw that in some interview he supposedly said "I am a keen follower of cricket ..." I picked myself up off the floor, got my breath back and quickly killed the web browser. Being as something like the above line is the only qualification John Howard needed to get nominated to the ICC vice-presidency, I became quite frightened.

Now at home I have located and properly read the article (It took some time because I had to retrace my steps - there's no telling what might come up if you just google John Prescott. Yipes. I don't recomment you try it.) and it turns out it was actually our smarmy new, right-wing, public school educated, pretty boy PM that said the above.

Which is no better, I'm still frightened.

And in shit company, is it too late to make this a blog about curling?

Series lost ... oh crap!

There once was a team from down under

who could blast their opponents like thunder,

but injuries hit

and their batsmen were shit

So they allowed England to beat them asunder.

All Graeme Swann's fault (obviously)

As you probably already know, My Lord has gone home after being brutally attacked in the streets of Cardiff by Graeme Swann. Or possibly, Swann had Trott and Stuey ... no, not Stuey, he's too girly ... Trott and Bresnan hold Hauritz down while he, Swann, jumped up and down on his foot until it broke. Whatever it was, My Lord's injury is somehow all Graeme Swann's fault. Naturally.

I am not happy, I tell you. Not happy at all. I now strongly suspect all of the following will happen:

• We will lose all 5 ODIs
• Smith will be rubbish
• Swann will be god-like (there's his motive, detective)
• I will go to this tour match at Derbyshire, where Derbys will win and
• Chris Rogers will get yet another double century against his own country and
• it will piss down all afternoon and the second half of the day will be ruined
• I will not meet My Lord because he, of course, has gone home.

All in all, it will be an Aristotelian confluence of events that could only happen to me. I am not happy.

I imagine My Lord is not so chuffed himself, either, to be fair.

But me, me, me.

My Wedding Vows

In light of yet another crap defeat, I thought you might all like to see the vows I made when I got married:

I, Sid, take thee, urn-stealing upstart team supporter, to be my lawful wedded husband;
to jeer at and make fun of in Australia's victory and England's defeat;

I vow to make you support Australia whenever they are not playing England
while I support England rarely, if ever (maybe if they are playing the stupid Kiwis, but only maybe);

I vow to ensure you accept that yours is the inferior cricketing side,
even though flukey one-day and test wins at Cardiff say otherwise,
while always understanding that sulking is acceptable in all cases of Australian loss;

I vow to reneg on my claim that 3 ODIs would have been enough only after England have won the first two, and you will allow me to do this without snide commentary;

I vow to make positive comments about one or two English players, on occasion,
while you will accept that the following are gods: Spofforth, Bradman, Lillee, Waugh, Warne and Gilchrist;

I vow to make you always commiserate with me when favourite players retire
until Ashes related divorce do us part.

And I have no doubt it will one day.

Well, you knew it couldn't last, right?

 What? You want this? This? hehehe, yeah ... right.

I don't understand, you want me to smile like a prat? Oh, like he is ... I see...

  ... well, I don't smile naturally and this is quite painful but it's the best I can do.

Honestly, Andy, would it really cost so much to get Colly some growth hormones?

Right, who ordered the pizzas? I told you NO ANCHOVIES! Look at Ryano, he's devastasted. Do I have to do every fucking thing myself?

That's it, I give up: Clarke thinks he's playing a test match, Ritzy thinks he's a batsman, Watto thinks he's a cricketer and some bastard went and made Cam all blurry! How can I be expected to work under these conditions?

Ah, jesus christ!

With a fairly inexperienced bowling line up, we were always going to be relying heavily on our battle hardy batsmen but, once again, they wobbled like jelly. Most got a decent start, but couldn't settle and we had to wait a while for a strong partnership - and even then it wasn't really a world beater. Clarke held it together with Mussey for a bit and then picked it up with Jimmeh, but everything was moving so slow I felt like I was watching a bloody test match at times.

We knew we were going to miss Mitchy's bowling in this series, but how many of us forgot how important his batting styles could be out there? Yet again, the middle and lower order was called upon to bail out our boys at the top. Jimmeh did pretty good and, despite Anderson's attempts to mess up his pretty face (he'd be smack-list bound if he didn't play for Lanchashire), My Lord handled the bat pretty swiftly as well.

It was nice for Clarke to put some runs on - he definitely needed them - but the look on his face as Australia's innings ended suggested that even he knew 87 from 97 balls was probably not good enough.  And he was right.

As it happened, England's batting was just about as ordinary as ours but they had Eeeeuwin Morgan in place of Pup and it made all the difference.

We lost.

Can I stop writing now?

A momentary lapse of reason.

Today, Punter did his traditional day-before-the-series press conference and got the ribbing he always gets in England. I think he actually enjoys being the bad guy over here.

Anyway, he was asked would England winning this one-day series (after the Ashes and the T20WC - note the lack of reference to the last ODI series in England) represent an "unholy trinity". His response? "It'd certainly be a bit of a change".

Sometimes, you just have to love him.

But only sometimes.

Preview to the Tuesday Routing and so on

So, England beat the living shit out of Scotland while Australia struggled against a county side. Joy.

We're feeling confident about this one-day series, are we? Well, I'm trying.

Here's the fixtures:

Tuesday 22nd @ the Rosebowl, Southampton
Thursday 24th @ the scene of the shit-crap draw 2009 (aka Sophia Gradens, Cardiff)
Sunday 27th @ Old Trafford
Wednesday 30th @The Oval
Saturday July 3rd @ Lord's (note - I made fun of someone for putting a possessive apostrophe in Lords the other day, but am now a convert)

Any predictions?

Here's some thoughts:

• We still can't bat and England can.

• We're stuck with Ryan the Not Jimmeh Harris and The Sound Effect. I can't believe how much I am missing Mitchy.

• We are a decent one-day outfit and surely the cobwebs will be sorted after those two tour matches.

• We have My Lord, who is long overdue God status against England. Here's hoping he kicks arse at Cardiff at least.

• As much as it pains me to say it, we have Punter. He can't be bothered with T20 and in tests he has issues with anything other than batting but when it comes to the one-day game he generally knows what he's doing. Generally. He needs to slap Pup around a bit, though, and get his act back together. He also should smack Twatto around a bit, just because he can and it looks like fun.

So, can we kick some English 50 over arse again this year? Darn tootin' we can.

And please, please can we injure Swann while we're doing it?

Because that would be cool.

White 'n' Mussey 'n' Mussey 'n' White ... again

You know all that about boycotting? Well, that was rubbish. Come on, people, how long have you been coming here now? Of course I was going to follow it (as much as possible anyway - cricinfo mobile seemed to be in denial about it happening at all).

It was hard, I won't lie to you. I adore Gilly, even when he is wearing a stupid pink shirt. And his side put on a decent show, piling up 273. But we got it done.

Well when I say "we", I mean the usual supects got it done.

Mussey for PM.

White for God.

Now keep it up against England, eh?

That's it, Steve, you right nauseating pretty boy. You make your location nice and clear - the easier it is for the snipers, the less I have to pay them.

It's an utter lack of consideration, I tell you!

With little Aussie cricket going on, I've been deep in the ponderage. Frankly it needs to stop so dammit let's have some cricket! First up, we were shit against Ireland. Not good with a series against England coming up soon. And there's the match today.

Now I've travelled a bit - I've seen some of the great cities of world; I've ridden a camel through the lost city of Petra; I've spoken Dutch in the rural Netherlands; I've drunk guinness in Dublin, eaten home made pasta in Italy, sprouts in Belgium and noodles in Barcelona (don't ask); I've slept on beautiful beaches and swam with dolphins; I've frozen my arse off in the North Sea, braved the sewer that is Blackpool and mocked the wierd-arse shingle on the beach at Brighton; I've taken the hand of a preacher man and made love in the sun ... no wait, that was that shit song from Priscilla Queen of the Desert ... never mind. The point is, I've had some life experience and it has come to my attention that some things in the world are just plain wrong:

Ryan Sidebottom's hair
Shahid Afridi's dental program
Stuart Broad's favourite band being Boyzone
My Lord being married
Graeme Swann

But nothing is more wrong than me having to choose between my Aussie cricket team and my favourite player of all time. How dare Gilly captain Middlesex against the Australians today?

It's just plain inconsiderate is what it is and I, for one, will be boycotting.

Especially since we will probably get fucking trounced with Gilly at helm.

I am Jimmeh Hopes!

He was superb with his 5 - 14.

He was Man of the Match.

He was only slightly less God-like than My Lord.

He was consise.

He was fast.

He was brutal.

He was bald.

But, most importantly, he was NOT Ryan Harris.

Told you so.

A letter to William Porterfield

Dear Will,

It's true we haven't played for a month or so - some of us even longer since we weren't in the Caribbean - but you don't think Big Cammie White was being serious when he said there would probably be "a little bit of rustiness", do you? He was just being polly ... pol ... poltik ... he was just being nice. Cricket Australia got Cammie to do the talking because he's good at being nice, while I'm a short idiot and Pup's ... well, Pup's Pup isn't he? We haven't let him out of the doghouse for his T20 strike rate, yet. His still has to plait Watto's hair and rub Mussey's feet every day (although, to be fair, we all like to rub Mussey's feet on occasion.)

So, Will, my young Irish mate, you think that just because you nearly beat England once you might just pull one over on us? Let me remind you of a couple of things:

• #1 ODI side in the world
• England vs. Australia 2009, Australia won the series 6 - 1
• India vs. Australia 2009, Australia won the series 4 - 2 with a half-arsed, virtual state side thanks to a pile of injuries
• Mussey

Having said that, I'm a git, Mitchy's injured, they've sent us fucking Ritzy again and Pup's confidence is shot (Mussey's feet'll do that to you), so you never know. But whatever happens, you'll be a hell of a lot more interesting to play against than Strauss and his lot.

Plus, the beer's nicer over here.

See you soon.

Love and kisses,
Rick
xxx

Learning to love Josh Hazelwood

The Aussie team will be on the plane as I write this, headed for the UK and Ireland. They play one ODI against the Irish in Dublin and then a tour match or two before embarking on a pretty boring and pointless ODI series against England. There's 5 this time, which is only marginally better than 7 isn't it? Especially considering it's only happening because Australia happen to be here to play Pakistan. I have to say, I'd rather see a couple more against Ireland and a couple less against England.

Two pieces of big news of late: first someone on the Cricket Australia site, who miraculously seems to have never spoken to an Aussie in his life, referred to Hilfy as Australia's "forgotten" bowler (???) and second, Josh Hazelwood - a relative unknown from NSW who should be training at the centre for excellence in Brisbane about now - took a bat to Mitchy's elbow and managed to get himself called up to the one-day side. The 19 year old had apparently never even met Punter (lucky sod) before arriving at the airport to head off to London.

So, how do we feel about Joshy? Well, he's not Mitchy and this can mean a number of things:

• There may be more mother problems. With Joshy being so young, his mummy may have decided to join him on the tour. The positive thing is that there is no way anyone can be as big a mummy's boy as Mitchy so things can't possibly be worse.
• Nerves. The little 'uns can get em. But actually, Joshy is a bit of an old hand at being the young 'un on the side so maybe not so much. Of course, if anyone else hasn't successfully blocked Mitchy's nervy and arse-clenchingly awful performances in the Ashes last year (I'm still trying) they will know that it's not just newbies that are attacked by the jitters.
• Joshy's middle name is Reginald. Need I say more?
• Joshy doesn't yet have a model/actress on his arm, but let's hope when he does he goes more for the Mitchy style babe than the Pup style slapper. Someone who'll keep her gear on in public, please. May I suggest someone currently in the cast of Neighbours?
• Batting. We don't expect much from Joshy. He is most definitely a bowler. We have needed Mitchy's batting prowess in the 50 over format more than once. Let's pray Jimmy Hopes can fill that gap.
• It can't do Joshy any harm to play along side My Lord, who will naturally be God-like.

And finally, hair. With Mitchy it's a real issue:

Although it can instill fear in small animals, it doesn't have much of an effect on batsmen. With Joshy, we may have a return to normality:

I'm not sure he'll get to play much beyond the tour matches and maybe the match against Ireland, but if he comes to Derby with the rest of them I shall attempt to corrupt him with the help of an ice cream.

Once upon a time some idiot invited England cricketers to #10

I know it's a bit late, but I've only just stopped crying.

Normally, there are pigs with wings up there before England wins anything like this.

 I'm just gonna smile sweetly, because I can't understand a word you're saying you ginger, geordie twat.

Really? Because KP said this was his.

I haven't held one of these since I opened for the Crumpets XI at School. What was that? Please, please try not to smack Graeme Swann with it? I'll do my best, but even the PM is not perfect.

Quick! Shut the door - Colly's coming! We don't want him in here stealing KP's thunder!

And a fabulous day was had by all, except Colly who had the door shut in his face.

And probably David Cameron who had to put up with KP eating his bikkies all day and Graeme Swann on his furniture. He probably had the cleaners in when it was all over.

Have Manbag, will Travel

Hello everyone. I am Michael Vaughan. I have a 'do with way too much product in it and I parade around in designer gear a lot. You might remember me from my stint as England's captain. No? Damn, I'd better throw my unsought and unwanted opinion about a bit more ... but on what?

Aah, how about Bangladesh? I know, I'll say that in my oh-so-arrogant opinion, they aren't good enough to be a test side. That should get my name in the papers a few times.

Now, what am I basing this on?

Let's see ... well, they've been a test side for about ten years now and there are signs that progress has been made, but why should England have to play such inferior competition? We've got the Ashes dammit!

They did alright at Lords. They've got some decent players, but also some ordinary ones. England, on the other hand, are all top class players who never struggle. Ever. And we have the Ashes.

Sorry? Oh yes, they have the Ashes. Not we. I don't actually play anymore. No one is sure what I do now, other than throw my opinion around and show up on Test Match Special occasionally, but I don't play anymore.

And Bangladesh were awful at Old Trafford. Just awful. What was that? Headingley 2009? Three days?  No, sorry. No idea what you're talking about.

Yes, it's true that prior to 2005 we hadn't won the Ashes for 17 years, but we were in a period of upheaval. For 17 years. We were a work in progress, so to speak ... no, no, Bangladesh can't be a work in progress as well. They're not England. They didn't invent cricket. They don't have the Ashes. They don't have Flintoff ...

... oh, wait. Neither do we.

Look I'm starved of media attention, just publish something ok? I'm off to Dolce & Gabbana for a new manbag.

Happy Days have pissed off again

In response to Purna's excellent post on the excitement caused by Moron Rudi's retirement, I'd like to take the opportunity to bring her back down to Earth.

Today, it has been announced (by the English media anyway - I'm skeptical) that Graeme Swann is now statistically the world's number one spinner. This is what I think of that:

Of course, this is after taking another 5-for.

Against those test giants Bangladesh.

Woo fucking hoo.

Do you think I can justify putting him on the smack list four times?

Little Georgie Dockerill ...

... will not be Ireland's squad to play Australia in the ODI on the 17th. This is because he has his exams.

And when he's finished school, he's moving to England.

The confusion of Michael

Wait! Where's Punter ... Oh no, I'm not the captain again, am I? Noooo, they were mean to me last time ... quick, someone go find Ricky.

 

The scary things you do when there is no Aussie cricket on to write about

I went to Youtube and ... gulp ... searched for Shane Watson.

Please forgive me. I was very VERY bored.

He can sing, he can probably dance as well but I'm too scared to go searching for evidence (you never what you'll come across),  yet adverts is something Twatto should be banned from doing immediately:



Heaven help us.

Is it just me or are the bimbos excessively excited? Someone should tell them it's only Twatto, then they'll calm down.

They probably think Hauritz is about to come out.