A Fairy Tale ...

Once upon a time, there was a wee Australian girl who lived in England. This girl kind of liked cricket. She looked forward to the Ashes whenever it came around, especially when it was in England so she could watch it without having to be nocturnal.

Now, there was an Australian bowler that she liked more than the others, but nobody else liked him at all and when he came to England with the Australian team in 2009 the girl found that lots of people were writing mean things about him. She did not like it. She thought somebody should be giving him a chance. Somebody should write nice things about him.

This wee girl also liked to write. In fact, what she wanted to do more than anything in the world was write. And so she decided that the person who should write nice things about her favourite bowler was her.

In the magical world of the internet, there were these wonderful places where anyone could go and start writing whatever they wanted and people would come and read it. In theory. They were called "blogs" - have you heard of the them?

So this little girl started a blog, so that she could write whenever she wanted about anything that spilled up from the dustbin of her odd little mind. Also, she could use it to write nice things about her bowler. And she did.

It was not long after, however, that she started to realise that most of the guff that appeared from her dustbin mind were about cricket. This was particularly the case once the Ashes were lost. Again. She decided to start a separate blog for those few extra thoughts, that weren't cricket related, and keep the dustbin for cricket things only. She tried to think of a new name but couldn't.

And so was born, on this day a year ago, the cricket blog with the non-cricket name. I'd still happily change the name if I could think of anything worth changing it to ...

And she lived happily ever after.

She hopes, anyway.

The Tour to England - a quick round up

We were shit.








Ok, not that quick. But it's tempting.

The Irish gave us a scare and we had to be rescued by Jimmeh Hopes. And there's nothing embarrassing about that.

England were quite ordinary in the one day series - with the exception of Eoin Morgan and Pratface (I drink a white wine spritzer then drive and get caught) Swann - but Australia excelled themselves in shitness, at least for the first two matches, and gave them away. Then Tait seemed to show up and do Punter's job by kicking everyone into gear. The third match was only just lost and we won the last two, losing the series 3-2.

My Lord got injured and went home.

Shane Watson bowled well (it's a mystery, I know).

After the first T20 loss, we all happily said "Oh yeah, Pakistan deserve one win against us. They are pretty good". And then we lost again and we said it again, through slightly gritted teeth.

The first test at Lord's saw us bowled out by Pakistan for not much, then we bowled them out for even less, then we got a bit more but a lot of it was done by a bowler and by now we were wondering where all our fucking batsmen were.

And then one of them showed up. And he bowled. Pakistan were doing their best to bat slightly less shit than us and win, and it was starting to work. Then we were saved by Marcus North, which is kind of the equivalent of a group of olympic swimmers being saved from drowning in a backyard swimming pool by a kid with floaties.

The second test was ... ahem ... eventful. Ponting put us in to bat, which no one except him understands, and Pakistan's bowlers made Australia take all their clothes off and dance the can-can naked.

Ok, not really. It was actually worse than that. They bowled us out for 88.

... ooh, there's the can-can music of denial again ...

We tried to fight back; it was a valiant effort, but it was not to be. And why?

Because we were shit.

Ashes Concerns

To: Simon Katich simon.katich@iwouldkickarseascaptain.com.au; Michael Hussey michael.hussey@iamnotatraitorlikekatanddave.com.au; Ricky Ponting ricky.ponting@dwarvesareus.com.au

From: Andrew Hilditch andrew.hilditch@ireallyamthechairmanofselectorsyouknow.com.au

Dear Simon, Ricky and Michael,

I have been chatting with my fellow selectors and we all have some concerns about the Ashes series beginning in November. Basically, you lost to Pakistan. I mean, all out for 88 for fuck's sake?!?! What was up with that?

What is going on with you lot? Watson is being shit with the bat, but if he's taking wickets then you are not playing the best side in the world, are you? North is also proving to be a better bowler than a batsman and that's not good because we need him to be able to bat. And who fucking nick named him "Snorks"? What the hell is that all about?

We don't know if Ritzy will be fit; Smith is ok with the bat but expensive with the ball; Hilfy has taken over from Brett Lee as resident jigsaw puzzle, always in pieces, and we all know Johnson folds like a cheap camping chair when he has to bowl to the English. Add to this the fact that you three are all nearly bloody pensioners. We'll be lucky if you don't all have heart attacks in the heat of Brisbane in the first test.

What the hell are we going to do? England are boring bastards, but they have got a couple of decent batsmen and Swann is their only decent bowler but he can be scary.

Now here's my thoughts and, as the most senior players on the side, I'm going to act as if I want your opinions: we all go to far north Queensland and hide until England go home. Or, we all fake sick at the same time. It will mean England retain the Ashes, but at least we don't get humiliated in the process.

What do you think (let's just pretend we care)?

Love Andrew Hilditch and the C.A. Board of Selectors
Because we can!

Rudi's new t-shirt

Cricinfo reported yesterday that the Pakistani players gave Loser Rudi a t-shirt as they left the field, presumably to celebrate it being his last test. You would think it said something nice. It didn't.

I was speaking to Aamer on the phone last night (I like to ring him on occasion and teach him dirty words in English and the real names for girls parts, that type of thing. I'm a humanitarian, really) and, while I was there, I asked him what the t-shirt actually said. He told me they had considered a few options, including "Take Darrell Hair to hell with you, please!" and "Want to see the Aussies lose? Get in line!" but discarded them as being a bit too respectful.

Instead, they went with this one:






He's so blind, he couldn't read what it said.

Delaying the Inevitable or T2D3

A gallant, but probably always futile, fight back by the Aussies - lead by Captain and Pup, which makes a nice change, then supported fabulously by Little Stevie -  took them to 349, giving Pakistan 180 to chase. Now, there was a chance - with the way the batting has been on both sides - that if the bowlers pulled their fingers out, they might just give the Stanis a scare.

And maybe pull off a miracle.

But it is not to be, as Pakistan now need 40 runs to win with 2 days to spare and 7 wickets in hand. I think they might just do it.

I was probably clutching at straws, really, anyway.

But rest assured, dear readers, that we can blame Twatto. His dropped catch may have made a huge difference to the result. Actually, it probably wouldn't have but who doesn't love to lay blame on Twatto whenever possible?

Wait, don't bowl yet Hilfy - I need to find my earring ...

And more good news - it was Koertzen's last test. When the power went, I considered ringing Rudi and suggesting to him that he just call the match a draw, but then I figured he is so fucking blind he probably hadn't even noticed. So I didn't bother.

Sorry.

Sid gets on her knees and praises the ground the Pakistan players walk on or: T2D2

It seems, from the comments on the last post, that I am not going to get any peace unless I have some sort of virtual parade for the Pakistani players' performance at Headingley yesterday. So, I hereby pronounce the 21st of July is to be known as annual "Pakistan kicks Australia's arse" day, at least here on The Dustbin (and as it approaches its first ever birthday, the owner and creator of said Dustbin wonders where it will be in a year's time ...), and if you could see me, you would see that in ten seconds I will be on my knees kissing a picture of Mohammed Aamer.

10, 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 ... big sloppy KISS.

There you go, I'm back.

But seriously, yes they were superb. Nothing short of. Today, however, Australia had a bit of a fightback. It won't be enough. Well, it might be enough but, let's say the Australians suddenly decide to ... you know ... bat (as it seems they have), and then the weather plays its part and we somehow manage to pull off a draw ... wouldn't that just be wrong? If any team deserves a win, it's the team that kept us down to 88 all out (and isn't England), right?

I think I'll be disappointed if Pakistan don't win this now.

Maybe a little pleased, but disappointed just the same.

Are you lot all happy now?

At the end of day two, Australia are 136/2 trailing Pakistan (who were all out for 258) by 34 runs.

Right, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was not a good day for the Aussies

In fact it was crap.

All out for 88.

Ponting won the toss and elected to bat. At Headingley. Don't even get me bloody started.

I have to quote @bettiwettiwoo's comment on Twitter that Australia have now put the pressure on Pakistan to come up with all new and creative ways to lose a test.

But in all fairness, you have to credit the Pakistani bowlers - they sure stunned us today.

Dear Graeme ...

To: graeme.swann@twatsareus.co.uk
From: marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au

So, Gray, do I freakin' kick arse or what? Come the Ashes, mate, Ritzy and me are gonna make you cry, sucker.

from Marcus, Lord of Spin

*****

To: marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au
From: graeme.swann@twatsareus.co.uk

To Marcus,

Bring it on , mate. 6 wickets against Pakistan - woo fucking hoo. And Ritzy is going to make me cry? Ritzy? Ritzy couldn't kick make a little girl cry (I know, because he tried with Stuey Broad). Besides, I plan to take another a shovel to his foot. Then you'll be stuck with baby Stevie.

Go back to shitting everywhere, would you. How'd you get a stomach upset ... was it something in those sandwiches at Lord's? I think Johnny Trott helps in the kitchen on his days off and he's not known for his cleanliness.

Gray "Well, they like me in Nottingham" Swann

*****

To: graeme.swann@twatsareus.co.uk
From: marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au

Gray, don't let Little Stevie fool you - behind those chubby cheeks and cute freckles lurks Steve the animal. You should be very afraid. Actually, I often am. He's a nightmare with a bread knife.

And you don't think Ritz can play with a sore foot? Hello! Dislocated finger, torn off thumb nail, remember? I think he might manage, don't you? He's not really injured now anyway, he's just resting up for the Ashes. He's at some place in Derby where an Australian woman rubs his feet and feeds him grapes all day.

And I'll give you just one warning, mate - if I hear that fucking guitar even once when you get to Australia, you'll be suffering some injuries of your own. You will wish you had my stomach bug because trips to the toilet won't so pleasant, you know what I'm saying?

Marcus "Warrior King" North

*****

To: marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au
From: graeme.swann@twatsareus.co.uk

Ooooh, Marcus, I'm terrified. You lot are all so jealous of my musical talent. I heard you and Kat at the annual Lord's karaoke competition last year singing "Especially for You". You were rubbish. Even Kylie and Jason were better and that's saying something. I may be the only bit of spin England has and a crap batsman to boot, but man can I ever do the tunes!

Listen and weep, arsehole.

Gray "I'm bigger than Elvis" Swann

*****

To: graeme.swann@twatsareus.co.uk
From: marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au

Piss off, Loser.

Marcus

*****

To: graeme.swann@twatsareus.co.uk, marcus.north@newkingofspin.com.au
From: nathan.hauritz@myfootstillhurts.com

Please stop fighting over me, I love you both equally. Marcus, be nice to Graeme, he has a hard life trying to be like me. Graeme, Marcus might be quite new to this but he is still better than you. You need to accept it. Play nicely, both of you, I will be back soon.

Luvs ya

Nate
xxx

The Baggy Green Cricket Forum

Many of you probably already read Ian's blog, which has a new look incidentally, but now the lads at the Baggy Grren also have the Australian cricket forum. It's new and only has a handful of members so far, but once you all go over and join there'll be more, won't there?

So go on ... I command you.

The Baggy Green Blogsite forum

T1D4 or The Panto Ends

Pakistan were set 440 to win
Tough, but they started damn strong;
They lost only one wicket for 114,
now that is just plain wrong.

Then day four dawned, the sun in the sky
and Captain Punter took a chance;
Lord Marcus North got his hands on the ball
and lead the Stanis a merry dance.

Hilfy did get things rolling
then he handed over to the Warrior's skipper;
The man helped himself to six wickets
and sorted the opposition out a ripper.

And so it was over, test one was done
and though it could have gone either way,
The Aussie bowlers put the result out of doubt
and won by a mile on the day.

So, we won the first test by 150 runs. It was pretty interesting, really. If you're a neutral, that is. It was not obviously going either way until that last day.

The bad news of the day is that Hilfy might be injured again, although Ian assures me it is nothing. I still think it's time we put him to bed and left him there until it's Ashes time.

Late, quick panto happenings or T1D3

Sorry, was out to dinner straight from gym and work last night so no time to post. Here's a little something I threw together:

There once was a bowler named Ben,
who had injury troubles, but then,
he outplayed the boss
and joined the rest of the dross,
On the board at Lords when

He got a half century like Kat,
You can nearly add Timmy to that,
But Punter's never done it
with a bat he's never won it
this is probably why he's starting to spat.

OK, that's terrible. But I really did just make it up at 8am when I've not even showered yet so be nice.

So, Australia set Pakistan 440 to win. At the end of day 3, the Stanis had 114 runs for only 1 wicket. Can they do it?

Aust v Pak T1D2 or The Panto Continues

We took to the field already nine wickets down
Mussey and The Rug with a determined frown;
Mussey took his fifty and on twitter we debated Bolly
Could he make fifty, too? Of course not, ya wally.
And so it came to an end at two fifty three
The match looked over, it was lost ... but, we'll see ...
Because here comes Twatto, the man we love to mock
He sized up the Stani batters and gave them us all a shock.
Five big wickets and runs of only forty
He, Hilfy, Mitchy and The Rug taught the Stanis not to be haughty.
With 105 to spare and the lead now growing
Twatto and the Kat started strong but couldn't keep it going.
Watson went for thirty one and Punter didn't last long,
Clarke followed and Mussey, too, but Kat is still going strong.
So we go in to day three on one hundred for four, with Kat and Mitchy in charge
we hope not to lose wickets too early, because we want that gap to be large.

¤¤¤¤¤

A good value day 2 looked this: Australia finished batting with a total of 253, bowled Pakistan out for 148 and have started batting again. They are currently on 100/4 with Katich on 49 and Mitchy on 2. Anyone who went yesterday and not today will be asking for 50% of their money back, I reckon. They were cheated.

Aust v Pak T1D1

Rain delays play
Soggy outfield delays start
bad light stops play
Rudi stops play
When will this test match get underway?

Watto went early, Aamer struck
twice in fact, Ponting too
Umer Amin beginner's luck
When caught, the captain said "fuck"
and behaved like a schmuck.

Then Pup came in and did settle
It looked like we might kick arse
when Kat joined in the battle
and the Stani bowling did rattle
and with 80, the Kat showed his mettle.

Then the Aussies did what they do best,
and the Stanis really did, too
Our batsmen collapsed like a widow's breast
the North duck a pain in my chest
The Stanis bowled like they were blessed

So tomorrow, bugger it, will arrive
the rain and Rudi allowing
and we hope our bowlers will manage to thrive
and keep our Aussie hopes alive
or Strauss, the twat, will feel he can arrive ...

... in Australia and keep the Ashes.

Day 1: Pakistan won the toss and opted to field; Australia finish the day on 229/9. Mussey n.o. 39 and Bolly n.o. 0.

.... eeep ....

The Cricket Australia 2010 Christmas Panto

Good Little Dwarf Ricky: Where can I find the evil Lord Watson? I sneed to smack him senseless.

Audience: He's behind you!

 

An Ode to Shane Watson's Arse

It was large, it was round

It was environmentally sound

because it didn't move very fast.

It moseyed over without hope

as the ball flew to the rope

We figured it may as well park on the grass.

If it discovered a touch more speed

The jeering and whistling we wouldn't need

We might give it some respect at last.

But it preferred to stay in its pose

while its owner did, like a bimbo, doze

so now I must mock you, Shane Watson's arse.

In case you've missed it ...

... tomorrow, I will be here:

Watching this:

Without him:

Ay ay ay ...

So we lost again. And actually by less than the first match, which is interesting because the line-up was a little different. For some reason, with an actual tour match only two days away, they decided to rest a couple of players and move things around. Jimmeh was up at number 4, Pup was in second and Paine moved down the order a wee bit.

And Steve O'Keefe got his chance. Actually O'Keefe got 3 wickets, but I still think his inclusion - and the above changes - were odd with one loss down and only one match to play. It looked like they were using it as a practice match. It rather makes me think the powers that be are losing faith in the T20 format again. It also put extra pressure on Clarke to perform well at a time when fans are questioning his position. He did all right, but it seems a bit harsh.

Of course, the positive side of this is that us Aussies now get to say: "Well, we were only treating that as a practice match anyway. It doesn't matter if we lost." This is obviously complete bullshit, but it works wonders.

So, Pakistan have beaten us again. They've won the series 2-0. But we were clearly only treating it as a practice match anyway ... and all that.

So, the tour isn't going too well, is it?

No, it isn't Nate. No it isn't.

I can't feel too bad about today's T20 match, though. Let's be honest about a couple of things: Pakistan are better at T20 than us, we're still getting our act together there; they deserved to be in the T20 final in the Caribbean, but we sent in Mussey to wave his Magic Mussey-wand and we nicked it and; they are so badly due a win against us.

What happened today?

Actually, I thought their batting was worse than ours (with only the exception of Umar Akmal) although just barely. Clarke remembered he was playing T20 and batted to form. His form, that is. It's ... erm ... "special". Well, at least the batting wasn't left to the bowlers for a change.

Which is handy, because the batting fell apart in the lower orders.

The Stani bowling, however, was better than ours. As it often has been in the 20 over game. Plus they had Akmal, who got 64 from 31 balls. He got seven 4s and three 6s (and if you listen carefully, as the sun goes down, you can still hear Stevie Smith crying). Umar's strike rate should make Pup cringe with shame and beg us all for forgiveness. I'm writing a letter to him as soon as this is posted.

The thing is, it doesn't matter who batted better as a team; it doesn't matter who bowled better as a team: if the semi-final of the recent T20 tournament taught us anything, it's that this, the shortest version of the game, only needs one hero to make a difference.

We had Mussey back then; they had Umar today. Congrats, Pakistan. It's been a long time coming.

Is this it?

Is this the ad you've all been talking about? I love it. If only we could have them all for Ashes 2010/11, eh?

What a difference a good partnership makes, eh?

Well, after I wrote the post below (things go so much better when I'm all negative, have you noticed?) Mussey and Warrior Shaunie walked in and saved our arses big time. From a very poor start (you know it's really poor when Barbie Broad takes 4 wickets.), we ended up with 277. When Ponting went, the projected total based on the run rate as it was then was 189! What a difference a good partnership makes, but why aren't our higher order batsmen making them?

It was then up to the bowlers to defend like all hell. I admit I didn't watch (family visiting) but was pleasantly surprised every time I whipped my phone out to check the score. Can't say how the bowling and fielding looked, but I see Tait got his standard 4 wickets and I hear Ryano was giving a poor display of death bowling that scared some people half to death.

Thanks to everyone on Twitter this last hour for keeping me sane!

So it's 3 - 2, not ideal but at least we didn't give them a whitewash. Now it's off to meet the Stanis (again). I'm not assuming anything with these two T20s - if they are going to beat us in anything it's T20 and man are they ever due one. Get your Musseys primed ... Birmingham, here we come.

When exactly did we stop believing?

This series has got to be the poorest we've seen from Australia in a long time, doesn't it? Even Ashes 2009, although ultimately a loss, had some quality points and the recent T20 tournament in the Caribbean was one successs after another for Australia, despite deep cracks in the armour, until the final two matches.

It was less than a year ago we twatted England 6-1 in an ODI series (take our little urn, will ya?). Since then we have won the Champion's Trophy, beaten India against the odds, had an unbeaten home summer, success in New Zealand and were runners-up in the T20 trophy. What the hell has happened? Where has all our traditional Aussie arrogance confidence gone?

Yes, we have injuries. But we had injuries when we went to India and still took it to them in what was a triumph of leadership for Ponting, pulling his team together and winning a series in which we should, by rights, have been completely flattened. Looking at it this way, it seems easy to blame Ponting for the loss here, and in truth it has been the batting that has let us down even though the injuries are largely on the bowling side of things.

I think that would be unfair, though. It's true that Punter is more a captain of action than words; he expects to play well himself and the younger, inexperienced players draw inspiration from his success and confidence. This, however, is not really Ponting's fault. It's just the way he is and no one can say he has been unsuccessful with it in the past, can they?Also, the batsmen who have failed have not been young and inexperienced.

For some reason this series has seen a different Australia. They seem to have absolutely no confidence, Ponting included. Even T20 hero Mike Hussey has had limited success. Pup has had his moments and so has Cam White, but all of them have shown only flashes of their known skill. None of them has been consistently good. In the first three matches, only 4 Australian batsmen reached 50 and any batting partnerships of any note came in the lower orders (and even they weren't much chop). The third match saw a late resurgence in the bowling, which nearly saved us. Had there been a decent performance from the batsmen to begin with, we would have won that one.

The 4th match, brimming with confidence, has been the exception rather than the rule. And the fact that the old style, weary under Aussie domination, England reared its ugly head again in that match only underlines what I'm saying here - that Australia's only problem has been lack of self belief.

I am writing this as I watch the 5th match. It's moving so slowly, my plants are wilting. We are still batting and it looks like we will struggle to even reach 200 at this point. The higher order batsmen have all failed miserably again, with the exception of Tim Paine who could still do with moving a bit quicker. All the players have crumpled kit that looks like they just couldn't be bothered this morning. Cam White's kit looked like he had slept in it. And they're playing like they can't be bothered as well. It's going to take a bowling miracle to save us from losing this one.

My question is this: when exactly did we stop believing that England are an inferior side to us? KP and Morgan are world class. That's it. We have Watson, Ponting, Clarke, Tait and Hussey. At a push, White. Why are we intimidated by these fools all of a sudden? Is it possible that they are brimming with so much confidence that we just aren't used to it and don't know how to handle it? For years Australia were the masters of cricket mind games. Steve Waugh knew the value of unbridled self-belief and Border used mind games relentlessly. Have England just beaten us at our own game?

The Definition of Annoying

I heard on the radio this morning that Little Andy Strauss has said losing to Australia yesterday was "annoying". Let me tell you, something, Andy - you don't know what annoying means:

annoying (adj) uh-noi-ing - causing annoyance; to be irritating or bothersome esp. with sporting teams having to play fellow sporting teams with any of all of the following:

• a captain with no personality and an idiot grin
• a pretty little girl bowler
• players stolen from other countries
• an unshaven tramp
• Graeme Swann

Annoying? My arse, Andy. You should count yourself lucky half our side is injured. Did you see the way England's bowling and fielding crumbled as soon as the old confident Pup and Punter showed up? If we can recover from all injuries in time and keep up that level of batting confidence, we are so getting the Ashes back.