Twitter Cockups

So KP did something a wee bit silly and announced to the Twitter world (no mean feat, in light of his 29,000+ followers) that he was dropped from the T20 side. And he used a swear word, the bad little boy. Fucking idiot.

But, of course, he is not the first cricketer to write silly things on twitter - we all remember little Philly Hughes, don't we? He did the same thing, but didn't swear (because his Mum would've grounded him).

Here are some examples of other tweets that the relevant cricketing bodies probably aren't too proud of:

Stuart Broad (last year) - sex change operation successful! Now, if only daddy can convince them to let me play for England.

Graeme Swann (last month) - just putting my cat under the floorboards for a laugh, then I might have a white wine spritzer and get pissed.

Steve Smith - (last week) I wish Ponting would shut the fuck up so I can to bed already - it's not like they'll play me in the Ashes anyway.

Ricky Ponting - (sometime last January) just checking the bookies' odds on us beating Pakistan in the test tomorrow.

Shane Watson (he doesn't remember when) - some nice men came up to me and asked me about losing the test. I was shocked. We're not going to lose, are we?

Nathan Hauritz (every day) - I am the God of spinners and Lord of @dustbincricket.

Mohammad Amir (Wednesday) - Really? All that cash just for ... WHAT? Too soon?

Sorry.

*BREAKING NEWS!* Another match fixing scandal!

This morning I was emailed a video, which dates from July 20th 2010 - the day before the 2nd test between Australia and Pakistan at Headingley. The video, which I have now sent onto the ICC, shows a representative of the ECB paying money to Mohammad Amir, Salman Butt and Mohammad Asif of the Pakistan cricket team.

In return for the money, Amir and Asif were to pull their fingers out and actually play so well against Australia, in the test starting the following day, that the Aussies would be dismissed for a painfully low figure - a disaster for their self-confidence in this, an Ashes year. Salman Butt took his share of the cash simply to allow it to happen, knowing it would be against the wishes of the PCB.

The Pakistani bowlers did indeed deliver the goods, so to speak, and Australia were bowled out for a mere 88 runs on the first day of the test. Amir and Asif each took 3 of those wickets, including those of the captain and the two openers.

Disgusted as I am by this, I have naturally sent the video on to the ICC (and have received a large amount of cash not to show it to anyone). I now call upon the governing body to do its job as the elected representative of our lovely game, by declaring that match invalid and allowing Australia to claim the series win.

The People's Choice Awards for Cricket

Have you heard about the ICCs People's Choice awards?

Really? What are you, new? Go here. Then come back and continue reading.

The 5 people available for you to vote for are Mike Hussey, Jayawardene, Tendulkar, AB De Villiers and an inanimate rod.

Now, you know I want to Mussey to win it. Are there reasons? Yes. If you want to read them go to Ian's blog. I don't go in for all that shit. I'm a busy girl. So here's my case for the Muss:

Go over and vote for Mussey as many times as you can with all the email addresses you own or I will break into your house in the night and prod you with an over-ripe cucumber. Got it?

Sorted. I'll let the Muss know he's a shoo in.

The Pakistan Effect

So Stuey Broad got a century today at Lord's. Not only may this prove that there is no God, but already I have been asked three times if Australia will be worrying about Broad's batting in the Ashes. And I have no doubt there will be much speculation in the British media in the next few days. It's quite annoying.

So, will Australia be worried about Broad's batting?

Only as much as England will be worried about North's bowling, you know what I'm saying?

Ponting's team meeting, as it happened.

An article appeared on cricinfo yesterday in which Ponting said the Ashes should not be the entire focus of Australia's current thinking, because they have the tour to India and some ODIs against Sri Lanka before that series begins.

Last night I was on the phone to Steve Smith - he likes me to read him a bedtime story every night when he's away from his mummy - and he let slip some of the things Punter had said in a team meeting yesterday. With only a small amount of coersion from me (No lollipops were involved. He'd already brushed his teeth.), he agreed to email me first thing this morning with the following:

Ricky Ponting speaking to the Australian team - 

[loudly chews him gum] Ok, guys. Now, I know the Ashes are coming up in November but that cannot be the focus of our attention at the moment. We go to India first and then we play Sri Lanka a bit and then we have the Ashes. We want the Ashes back very much; I think we can win 5-0 and we have done lots of research on the England team, but we can't focus on that right now. Even though it's the Ashes and it's really, really important that we win the series. But let's not focus on that right now. 

You can read about the Ashes in my new book, there's plenty about it in there. Lots about the Ashes, which we want to win back. But that can't dominate our thoughts just yet - we have to think about India. India are the number 1 test side in the world and doing well against them will be great preparation for the Ashes. Because we want to win the Ashes. We really, really do. But that's not our focus right now. It's just the Ashes. 

We know that England will come into the Ashes with pretty much the same side as 2009 while our players will be much more experienced; and the important players with injuries will be back so we can win the Ashes back, even though that is not what we are thinking about right now. We haven't really seen Jonathan Trott, who will probably play in the Ashes, but we will watch lots and lots of videos of him before the Ashes. So that we can be ready for him when the Ashes starts. This is after India, which we are focussing on.


Not the Ashes. India. Which is before the Ashes. So is Sri Lanka, who will come to Australia right before the Ashes. We're thinking about India now, not the Ashes. We'll be using India to get Siddle and Hauritz match fit for the Ashes, so it's important we think about that now. Not the Ashes. We're not focussing on the Ashes. No Ashes.


Got it?

There you have it, just as Smith gave it to me but with the swear words and the incidents with the voodoo dolls edited out. I thought you'd be offended.

ICC Award Nominations 2010

Since there's still no news on the team for the tour to India (I know it's a bit early, but do they ever think of me??), I thought we could have a look at the nominees for this year's ICC awards. Plus it's another opportunity to laugh at Graeme Swann, and that's always fun, right?

So, here they are:

The nominees in the "Cricketer of the year" category are:

Hashim Amla (SA)
Doug Bollinger (Aust)
Michael Clarke (Aust)
MS Dhoni (Ind)
Ryan Harris (Aust)
Mitchell Johnson (Aust)
Jacques Kallis (SA)
Morne Morkel (SA)
Ricky Ponting (Aust)
Kumar Sangakkara (SL)
Virender Sehwag (Ind)
Dale Steyn (SA)
Sachin Tendulkar (Ind)
Daniel Vettori (NZ)
AB de Villiers (SA)
Shane Watson (Aust)

An as yet undecided England player, because they are all crap and we tried to get away with not nominating anyone.

And the winner is: a little whiney girl from Queensland or a guy from India.

*****

The nominees in the "Test player of the year" category are:

Hashim Amla (SA)
James Anderson (Eng)
Mohammad Asif (Pak)
Doug Bollinger (Aust)
MS Dhoni (Ind)
Tamim Iqbal (Ban)
Mahela Jayawardena (SL)
Jacques Kallis (SA)
Simon Katich (Aust)
Kumar Sangakkara (SL)
Thilan Samaraweera (SL)
Virender Sehwag (Ind)
Dale Steyn (SA)
Graeme Swann (Eng)
Sachin Tendulkar (Ind)
Shane Watson (Aust)

And the winner is: a huge beard from South Africa or the NSW captain.

*****

The nominees in the "ODI player of the year" category are:

Hashim Amla (SA)
Doug Bollinger (Aust)
MS Dhoni (Ind)
Tillakaratne Dilshan (SL)
Ryan Harris (Aust)
Michael Hussey (Aust)
Jacques Kallis (SA)
Ricky Ponting (Aust)
Virender Sehwag (Ind)
Sachin Tendulkar (Ind)
AB de Villiers (SA)
Daniel Vettori (NZ)
Shane Watson (Aust)
Cameron White (Aust)

And the winner is: a double century.

*****

The nominees in the "Emerging player of the year" category are:

Mohammad Amir (Pak)
Umar Akmal (Pak)
Tim Bresnan (Eng)
Steven Finn (Eng)
Shafiul Islam (Ban)
Ravindra Jadeja (Ind)
Virat Kohli (Ind)
Angelo Mathews (SL)
Eoin Morgan (Ireland)
Pragyan Ojha (Ind)
Tim Paine (Aust)
Wayne Parnell (SA)
Kemar Roach (WI)
Steven Smith (Aust)
Paul Stirling (Ireland)
David Warner (Aust)

And the winner is: common sense and an 18 year old from Pakistan.

*****

Twenty20 international performance of the year:

Suleiman Benn 4 for 6 v Zimbabwe
Deandra Dottin 112*v South Africa Women
Chris Gayle 98 v India
Michael Hussey 60*v Pakistan
Mahela Jayawardena 100 v Zimbabwe
Mahela Jayawardena 98* v West Indies
Nuwan Kulasekera 3 for 4 v New Zealand
Ryan McLaren 5 for 19 v West Indies
Brendon McMcllum 116* v Australia
Eoin Morgan 85* v South Africa
Nehemiah Odhiambo 5 for 20 v Scotland
Ellyse Perry 3 for 18 v New Zealand Women
Suresh Raina 101 v South Africa
Darren Sammy 5 for 26 v Zimbabwe

And the winner is: well, obviously I want it to be Mike Hussey. That was pretty impressive. But surely Amir's superb over against Australia deserves mentioning? He may only get credit for 3 of the 5 wickets, but he stilll took 3 in one over for no runs. He needs to get his mum on the case!

Poor Little Gray

Dear you mean, mean people at the ICC,

How could you possibly not include my little Graeme on your list of cricketers of the year? He's such a lovely boy - he always knits with me on Sundays, when he isn't playing, and never drinks more than one white wine spritzer at a time. Of course, that's enough to make him very very drunk but that's only because he is a sensitive boy.

I think you should reconsider.

From Mrs Swann

*****

Dear ICC,

You bastards. We know our team is shit and only has the Ashes because Australia were in a bad place at the time and that twat, Hilditch, didn't play Hauritz at the Oval, but did you have to rub it in by not listing any of our players on the long list for Cricketer of the Year? I mean, come on - you gave it to Mitchell Johnson last year even though he was well shit in the Ashes! Who did his Mum sleep with?

Give us someone, please? They don't have to make the short list, just the long one.

Pretty please?

The ECB

*****

Dear Mrs Swann,

After recieving a letter from the ECB, we have come up with an idea - who will you sleep with?

The ICC

*****

Dear The ECB,

For fuck's sake! Can you not just accept that your players suck? We put Anderson on the Test Player list, didn't we? What more do you lot fucking want?

Yeah, yeah - you invented cricket ... lahdee fucking dah!

OK, here's what we've decided - we'll put some names in a hat and whoever comes out will go on the long list. We're not putting Strauss in there, though. We can't stand him, he has less personality than a rotten mango. But we have got Watson on the list, so we should put one of your guys on there. Whoever it is will not make the short list, though. But don't worry, neither will Watson. He's only there because he rang us in tears and begged to be there.

Will you stop complaining if we do that?

From the ICC

*****

Dear the ICC,

How very rude. My little Gray had better win the title, or I will call the local neighbourhood watch about you!

Mrs Swann

*****

Dear The ICC,

So you damn well should put one of our players on the list! We invented cricket you know.

And, seriously, Ryan Harris? Are you fucking kidding me?

From The ECB

*****

Dear The ECB,

You got Swann, ok? We'll even issue an apology just to shut his Mum up.

Now piss off, all of you.

The ICC

*****

Dear lovely, lovely boys at the ICC,

Thank you, dears. Next time Gray bakes a cake, I'll get him to send you all a slice.

He makes a mean swiss roll, that lad.

From Mrs Swann

Well, I'm back ... what have I missed?

All English players were, quite rightly, left off the long list for ICC Cricketer of the Year but then someone had a wee hissy and they conceded that they should put someone on there. So they drew names out of a hat and got Graeme Swann - poor bastards.

My Lord is (almost) officially going to India. Still no news on who will be joining him, though.

Something dodgy happened in a match between India and Sri Lanka. Apologies have been issued.

Graeme Smith stood down as South Africa's T20 captain.

And I still dislike Broad intensely.

Have I missed anything?

While I'm away ...

Right, suckers, today I head for Amsterdam for a few days. I'm not back until next weekend and do I plan to find an internet cafe and write blog posts? No, I do not.

So, while I'm away this is what I think you should do:

Go visit the lovely Kainath on At the Crease, new to the blogging world but not new to me - go have a look.

Go join in the chat about ODIs with Stani and Sunny; Stani is causing trouble as ever.

In fact, if you're really brave, just go and abuse Stani a little bit in person.

And don't forget to join in the My Lord for Test Captain chat on the Baggy Green Board.

See you when I get back!

Dam Square

 

T20 Finals Day

Can I just say, for the record, that I love T20 finals day? We even went once. Lancashire lost the first semi and we were on the train home in no time, so it was a bit of a bust. That was the day I started the standing ovation for Dominic Cork and he raised his bat to me. It was very cool.

 Here he is with Marcus Trescothick and Mike Atherton while Collingwood does the toss.

And I still love Dommy, even if he no longer plays for Lancs, so I am really pleased that Hampshire won yesterday. Even if Cork had to take out Keiron Pollard to do it.

Be afraid, Corky, be very afraid. Pollard does not look best pleased.

 

And I hope, I really hope that Dan Christian is extremely intelligent. I hope, I really hope, that he is a superb cricketer with a glittering career ahead ...

... because he is a very unattractive man.

A public service announcement from Cricket Australia

Dear every Australian who has ever watched cricket, played cricket, loved cricket, so much as sniffed a cricket ball,

We know the public hates the idea. We know that 78% of our players don’t like the idea. We know our ODI captain, and unbeaten world cup winning captain, thinks the idea frankly stinks. We know it might effect preparation for future ODIs and world cups, because there will no domestic 50 over game. We know it might affect the development of young players in the 50 over game.

We don’t care. 

We have decided we’re completely changing the format of the domestic one-day game. Because we bloody well want to.

From the stooges you love to hate at Cricket Australia

CLT20 2010

Well, it's nearly here again. I remember thinking it would be mostest crappest last year and then loving it, so this time I'm getting prepared.

The two Australian teams will be The Bloody Vics (sans Camo White, who has found himself tied to RCB - and we've discovered yet another down side to the IPL) and South Australia. This will inevitably impress Our Wes and her Cosgrove fan club of one (sorry, hun) but everyone else is wondering what the hell happened to the Blues.

Anyone else remember how bloody fantastic they were last year? Is it possible that Cricket Australia's desire to only use NSW players as often as they can has had some consequences for the state side? Does anyone think they care?

The other teams involved are:

• Chennai Super Kings (DLF Indian Premier League – India)
• Mumbai Indians (DLF Indian Premier League – India)
• Royal Challengers Bangalore (DLF Indian Premier League – India)
• Warriors (Standard Bank Pro 20 Series – South Africa)
• Highveld Lions (Standard Bank Pro 20 Series – South Africa)
• Central Stags (HRV Cup Twenty20 – New Zealand)
• Wayamba Elevens (Inter-Provincial Twenty20 Cup – Sri Lanka)
• Guyana (West Indies Domestic Twenty20 Champions)

The website is here, but it doesn't seem to be working very well. You can view the fixtures - stolen from cricschedule.com - here. I'm putting this pdf file in the side bar as well.

And who will I be supporting this time? Well, I have a wee soft spot for CSK of course but I think I will have to join Wes and support the Redbacks. So, make that a fan club of two.

My Lord is bored ... go keep him company

Doing my usual internet search for anything new on My Lord, I discovered that he now has a fan page on facebook. Clearly he has been a bit bored, with the inability to walk and all, so has started this page. I think it is really him, mostly because no one is interacting with him.

And I'm afraid to look like a freak (although I am one) by writing on his wall when no one else is.

So you should all go over and post something nice on the wall. Here it is:

@Nathan Hauritz

You should at least help me decide if it's really him before I start sending naked photos of myself to that hotmail address.

Cricket happens

I know it's hard to imagine, but just because the Australians are having a few weeks off that doesn't mean that the cricket world has come to a complete halt. Stuff has been happening, such as:

Murali reached his 800th test wicket, then pulled a rude finger sign at Shane Warne and promptly retired.

Pakistan moved on from beating Australia at Headingley to losing to England at Trent Bridge. The locals got a bit excited about what this might mean for the Ashes, until someone mentioned that other K word – the one we may invoke (kookaburra).

The second test at Brum, which is still going on as I write this, has been eventful – Pakistan were bowled out in their first innings for even less than they bowled out Australia (the K word, people, the K word).

Moyo reappeared, to the pleasure of many (including myself), but not in time to play.

Saeed Ajmal roared like a wee freak as he took 50 in Pakistan's operation pride salvation, and Zulqarnain Haider (on debut) joined him and took 80. Did anyone catch the interview at the end of day 3? You couldn't wipe the grin off his face ...

... which is interesting, since Barbie Broad's hormones hit overdrive during Haider's innings and, as a result, he nearly wore a cricket ball. I think he must have caused Barbie to break a nail. Bad, bad Haider.

Umar Gul and Mohammed Asif are currently attempting a last wicket stand to give Pakistan's impressive bowlers something to bowl at. Great for Pakistan, not so great for viewers because it means the commentators get to unimaginatively say “the tail wagged” a few more times.

India went to Sri Lanka and showed the world that their test bowling is a bit rough, which should make for an interesting series against Australia in October – shit bowling takes on shit batting. We should top them, though. We have Twatto.

John Buchanan, Australia's coach for a large chunk of their Ashes dominance years, annoyed me by signing on to help England prepare for the Ashes.

The world (for “world” read England and India) decided that Ponting will retire after this Ashes series, but forgot to mention it to Ponting himself.

Cricket Australia publicly stood by North and defended his place in the Aussie test side. They neglected to mention that it's because they can't think who would fill his spot.

I found this really nice article in a blog on the New Statesman magazine website, thereby admitting to the world that I read the New Statesman. I will now go hide in shame.

And, in a non-cricket part of the world, I overdid it in the swimming pool and had to take the day off work because I pulled a muscle in my hip and can't walk.

Joy.

And that's all from me for today, folks. I'm off to dose myself with painkiller.

The Injury List Cometh

Actually, it seems to be getting a wee bit smaller. Finally.

Here's an update:

Peter Siddle - twinge in the back, possibly caused by excess stress due to large chip on shoulder. Will hopefully make the ODIs in India.

My Blessed Lord - an ingrown toenail probably caused by Graeme Swann and a sharp stick. Should be ready for the tests in India.

TWatson - sulky baby face caused by being shit. Usually remedied by allowing him to bowl against inferior opposition so he thinks he is doing well when he gets wickets. A century can sometimes help as well.

Hilfy - Brett Lee syndrome. Is NOT to be sent to HoCIMP, because no one thinks it's funny (except me).

Ry the not Jimmeh Harris - housemaid's knee. Caused by too much line dancing in his spare time. Is hoping to be ready for the Ashes, but will not make it to India.

Ponting - burnt ears from every bloke and his dog discussing his possible retirement.

Mitchy - a bit scared of Strauss (and is liable to get bitch slapped by his mum at any time).

Brad Hads - achey elbow, caused by elbowing people behind him in queues. Should make it to India for the test series, but may not make it home again.

Mussey - old.

As soon as I know who's off to India, I'll let you know.

Andy loves Ricky. Kind of.

Dear Rick,

You have probably heard all the speculation about your potential retirement after the upcoming Ashes series especially if you can't fucking win them back on home soil, you useless bastard. I hope you have also seen that I have stated publicly that such things are not on anyone's mind at the moment. I hope this is true.

It's not that we really like you or anything, it's just that ... well ... we don't have anyone else. Katich reckons he can do it, and he has had some captaincy experience, but he's as old as you so he wouldn't be around long. The world knows Pup wants it, but is he really committed? Look at that shit he pulled over that slapper when you lot were in New Zealand. We couldn't let Mussey do it at his age - the insurance premiums would kill us, plus see above re: Katich. North has been rubbish everywhere; state captain or not, there's no fucking way. And Hads, well, he's not the brightest light in the tree now, is he? Plus, the temper is a bit unruly to say the least.

We really need you to stay until someone else is ready to step up. We really really want the Ashes back, it's true, but don't worry if you can't get them - we'll just blame Ritzy. Again.

Pretty pretty please don't leave us, Ricky. I'm the Chairman of Selectors (no, really) and I want you to stay.

Hugs,

Andy and the C.A. selectors
Because we can
 

Welcome to HoCIMP

Dear Mr Flintoff,

We at the ICC Hospital for Cricketers in Multiple Pieces (HoCIMP) are pleased to offer you a place at our excellent facility. Here you will experience our full range of activities for permanently injured cricketers, including draughts, yoga, pin-the-scowl-on-the-Punter, pedelow theft, and - our favourite - Rudi bashing.

When you arrive at the facility, please bring yourself and your belongings to our reception and make yourself known, so that we can get you settled in as soon as possible. You will share a small self-contained apartment with another of our long term in-mates patients, a Mr B. Lee.

There is no need to be concerned that your day-to-day life will change - it won't! You can continue your regular activities, such as drinking and knitting socks with your own face on them, when your morning group sessions (to counsel against the illusion that your career can continue) have ended. And further injuries are not an issue, either - all our rooms are padded and you will be given mittens that we tie together when your hands are not in use and one of those flappy-eared hats.

We hope you will be comfortable at HoCimp, but if you aren't we'll just drug you.

Best Wishes,

The ICC Hospital for Cricketers in Multiple Pieces
We care, because no one else does

More Willey ...

Here's the real tour roundup, although you could argue that the one below is more apt.