About 35 hours and counting ...

So, Ijaz Butt has finally apologised to the ECB for claiming that England had taken large amounts of cash to lose the 3rd ODI against Pakistan. The ECB has withdrawn any threat of legal action.

The West Indies Cricket board is imploding, as three of their major players refuse the central contracts they have been offered - mostly because those contracts aren't worth the paper they are written on.

Andrew Strauss is working on his Steve Waugh impression again - this time taking his team to visit the remains of Dachau contentration camp in Germany. Does he do this before every test series, or is it just because we scare him so much?

Salman Butt has filed an appeal against his suspension over the spot fixing allegations and I expect Amir and Asif will do the same. I hope they are successful - innocent until proven guilty and all that.

And, as I write this, there is roughly 35 hours to go before the long-awaited 1st test against India - and no channel in the UK is showing it. I just assumed Sky would pick it up, but they are more interested in that giant of competitions - which no one can predict the outcome of - South Africa vs Zimbabwe.

Today, I telelphoned Sky and offered them sexual favours if they would just show the damn thing.

Of course, you should all know my policy of not watching tests live (due to a history of jinxing) by now - but I am allowed to watch highlights and replays, so Sky needs to have them.

If they can't get it together and sort it out (fellatio not withstanding), you're going to have to put up with a pile of photo posts and some crap reports taken from scorecards on cricinfo. And you know how I hate cricinfo. Don't force me to use it, please.

Mitchy, put your shirt on!

I only discovered this album on Zimbio the other day. It took me a while because I have bookmarked My Lord and, for some reason, this album doesn't appear on his list of albums. Clearly, Zimbio have had enough of me nicking their photos as well. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, have a flick through:

Australian Cricket Team Portrait Session

They're all pretty much the same - posing with the Ashes urn and the flag, posing with a ball or a bat, looking mean in front of my Mum's kitchen blinds ... until you get to Mitchell Johnson. He has his shirt off.

Why?

Was the photographer interested or can he just not keep his gear on when a camera is nearby? If it's the latter, this is going to be one interesting Ashes series.

Please help

OK, so I've put up a poll. I'm definitely moving off to wordpress in the next few weeks, but what the blog is called when I get there is up to you.

Please vote and tell me what you think it should be. If you go for "neither of the above" and have another idea, by all means comment on this post and tell me what it is. If you go for "don't care", I'm going to assume that you like the blog so much you will read it regardless.

Thanks

The boys hit India and we [finally] have some bloody cricket.

Ben, mate, they're watching - show the nice uniformed men how we can balance ...Punter said if they are not happy with us, they'll take away our blankies.

Mitchy! Mitchy, they're still watching ... stop cheating and get your knee off the ground!

.

Check it - stylish dance moves and a little bit of Tai Chi ...

... they've gotta be impressed with that, Benny. Blankies sorted!

Right, so Punter said we're all training in here ... where is everyone? Well, I'll just toss this ball around until they get here.

Has that useless bastard, Watson, not worked out that we are all outside yet? Brilliant, we'll get to train in peace for a while.

Just hiding Watto's bat and pads so he can't train with us. Just in case he works out that Punter has deliberately sent him to the wrong place ...

 

And who the hell is this? MSN India had it down as My Lord, but there is no way that is Lord Nathan - he's got mega-brows! Must be one of the newbies ...

And finally, the tour match against the Presidents XI (or someone) is underway and it's going predictably well for the Aussies. TWatto and Katto both got a century then Captain Kat, the lazy bastard, retired and - big shock - Watson is so far the only one to get out. So Punter and Pup are in the middle and I imagine they'll stay there for a bit tomorrow.

Australia 319-1 at close of play.

We need to talk about cricket (blogging)

OK, so it seems that jokes about the Pakistan tour of England being a circus and the potential for anyone to rig the final match and make money wasn't for everyone. Or anyone, in fact.

Never mind.

Here's the thing - I have finally come up with a cricket-y name for the blog and am thinking of a move to wordpress. Also, as mich as I love that picture of Michael Clarke up there I really don't have permission to use it. So, I am going to change it to one of Brett Lee's arse taken by a friend who won't make me pay her (not until I'm rich and famous anyway).

The big thing is the wordpress thing - would you all avoid me if I moved? Would it make it harder to comment?

Tell me, tell me.

cheers ...

The Circus is in Town

Roll up! Roll up! Come visit the cricket circus. You'll laugh, you'll cry - it'll change your life. We have such fantastic characters as these:

The super no-ball brothers - watch them bowl and try to guess on which ball their foot will go over the line. Pay a small amount for the gamble, or a larger amount (direct to the brothers) for a dead cert cash win.

Mr Teeth - watch him grit his teeth as he bats and then loses. He grits his teeth even harder if you accuse him of deliberately being shit (he wants you all to know that he is shit involuntarily).

The incredible strangling man - just smack him gently with your cricket pad and watch with amazement as he explodes; he'll grab you by the neck and throw you against a wall. You might even consider calling the police, you'll be so shocked.

The amazing pointing man - accuse his players of cheating, offer evidence, put him on the spot and make the world news focus on his team; keep it up and it won't be long until he starts pointing the finger at you and anyone else he can think of, whether or not he has evidence. He can't help himself, he just starts pointing that finger.

Be quick - the circus is only in town for one more day!

On its final night, for the grand finale, you too can be involved in the outcome of the cricket circus - just deposit as much cash as you can into either of the following bank accounts:

Mr A Strauss

Mr S Afridi

Whoever gets the most money deposited will lose the match in spectacular fashion. Don't miss it.

Be a part of the action at the Rose Bowl, Hampsire today, September 22nd.

NB. If you look closely during this match, you might even see the fabulous streaking man.

 

I took money to write this post.

Andrew Strauss is a great batsman and the best captain England has ever had.

England will win the Ashes 5-0.

Graeme Swann is not a pratt and is a much better bowler than My Lord, no sorry - "not a pratt" is the best I can do there. There is not enough money in the world.

Paul Collinwood is a ginger dynamo (and is probably damn good in bed).

Stuart Broad is very manly and is in no way a daddy's boy.

Eoin Morgan is English through and through. He's even considering changing the spelling of his name.

Ian Bell is svelte.

KP is smart enough to be a brain surgeon, but chose cricket because he is just so very gifted ...

... you know what, I don't need money that badly ...

The Test Team in Pictures

 This is not my real headshot, but an artist's impression of what I would look like as the undead.

 This is not a caricature, this is my actual head. Shocking, I know.

 Please, please, please let me do well. Fergie is looking fit.

 Still going with the manly stubble. Don't tell anyone it took me 2 years to grow this.

 Seriously, I've done more of these photos than I've played matches for Australia.

 I'm back and I'm still Sid's Lord.

 Check out all the product in my hair. I'm sure it makes me look older. And taller.

 This is me in one piece. It won't last.

 I've definitely put a colour in my hair, because I'm suddely very dark. Grey hairs? What grey hairs?

 I am sooooo pretty. Check me out.

 HELP! Somebody help - there's a growth on my face! No, wait - it's my facial hair.

 I'm even prettier than Dougie - check my toothy grin. Hurry, my mum's calling ...

 I'm not Jimmeh ... why am I here?

 Oh my god! I've forgotten how to blink!

 I really thought that guy was a fan ... hard to believe I would have a fan, I know, but I'm not that smart.

 This is so boring. I'm obviously not going to play when Ritzy's fit. Plus, I am not Sid's Lord.

 Is my name Watson? No. Is my name Katich? No. So, I'm here because ... ?

 I am still here - unbelievable, isn't it? I keep fooling them.

 Look out, Marcus. I'm back, I'm bad and I'm aiming for a champion's league trophy. Watch and weep.

 Er, sorry ... Tim, who?

Where am I? What's my name again? I'm confused.

 

Clint McKay, beige tights and other tedious CLT20 stuff

Yes, yes - there's so little happening that I am forced to write something about the bloody Champions' League. I warn you, I know very little about it, but if you know even less than me, here's some stuff that has happened:

• I got the day wrong and made a fool of myself cheering on Chennai through twitter a day before they actually played.
• South Australia took off on their campaign like a starving dog chasing Shane Warne with a pie.
• Victoria didn't. I laughed.
• I made fun of Clint McKay and his beige tights.
• He didn't laugh.
• Mumbai Indians started crap, laughter for everyone who isn't Indian.
• I got annoyed with everyone complaining that England weren't allowed to submit teams. Keep up or shut up, people and ...

Andrew Flintoff announced that he is retiring from all cricket. It isn't really related, but I thought it was worth mentioning just the same.

That's it. Anything else? Don't know, don't really care. Feel free to fill me in.

The Secret to Shahid Afridi's Popularity in Pakistan

Having wondered for a while why a ball-biting, completely certifiable player like Afridi is so popular amongst his own, I discovered this purely by chance - Pakistani children are brainwashed from childhood to love him.

And how do they do this? Pakistan has its own special version of the children's television show, Sesame Street, where Ernie - of Ernie and Bert fame - has been remodelled to look like Afridi. Check this:

It explains a lot, huh?

Back by popular demand

Anonymous users may post comments again. It seems it was annoying a lot of you. If the problems continue, I'll just have to moderate everyone. I'm on here all the time anyway, so it shouldn't be a problem.

Dear Mr Collingwood ...

To: paul.collingwood@gingermingersareus.co.uk
From: michael.clarke@weregettingthedamnashesback.com.au


Dear Paul,

I heard yesterday that you told the BBC your T20 team is coping well with the added "pressure" of being world champions. You prat. "Added pressure"?!? Well, I guess it's a completely new situation for England, while we Aussies are quite used to being world champions - but if you don't like it, mate, feel free to hand the fucking trophy over.

Otherwise, shut the hell up.

Mike "best Aussie T20 captain ever" Clarke

*****

To: michael.clarke@weregettingthedamnashesback.com.au
From: paul.collingwood@gingermingersareus.co.uk

To Mike,

"We Aussies are quite used to being world champions" - yeah, when was the last time you were T20 world champs again? Sorry, when was that? You arrogant, swaggering, bimbo shagging moron. As I recall, we kicked your arse in that T20 final. Who should shut the hell up now?

Paul "I should be test captain instead of that tree trunk" Collingwood

*****

To: paul.collingwood@gingermingersareus.co.uk
From: michael.clarke@weregettingthedamnashesback.com.au


Paul,


You ginger twat - you kicked our arse? You kicked our arse?! We came second, remember? It's not like we dropped out at the group stages. And you only just won. You were lucky we were stuck with Watson's bowling, mate. Otherwise, that trophy was ours. At least we don't rely on one player like you. You'd be fucked without KP and he's not even that good.


Please, please bring him to Australia for the Ashes. We're so terrified of him.


Mike "will go down in the history books" Clarke

*****

To: michael.clarke@weregettingthedamnashesback.com.au
From: paul.collingwood@gingermingersareus.co.uk

Mike,

It's not like you dropped out at the group stages? Err ... this time. Haha - nice try! And no, you don't rely on only one player, do you? Can you say "Mike Hussey"? If it weren't for him and some shite paid Pakistani cricketers, we would have played Pakistan in that final. Someone probably made a fucking fortune off that match. Cash was being handed over, with much mirth, as you and the rest of Australia were giving Hussey a sainthood.

Admit it, buddy. You're shit at T20 and we're not. I may be older than Noah, a wierd-arse Jordy prat and eye-scorchingly ginger, but I am a better captain than you.

Bye bye, sweetheart.

Paul

*****

To: paul.collingwood@gingermingersareus.co.uk
From: michael.clarke@weregettingthedamnashesback.com.au


See you in Brisbane, arsehole. Bring your useless, tweet-happy South African so he can learn how to bat from the experts.


Pup

*****

To: michael.clarke@weregettingthedamnashesback.com.au
From: paul.collingwood@gingermingersareus.co.uk

Aaah, Mikey. You lot are in for a rude shock when it comes to KP. He may be the stupidest fucker that ever wore an England shirt (in any sport), but he loves nothing more than beating you lot.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Paul

*****

To: paul.collingwood@gingermingersareus.co.uk
From: michael.clarke@weregettingthedamnashesback.com.au

Fucking bring it, mate. We've got Ritz. He's terrifying.

Pup

Sorry people ...

I've had to disable anonymous commenters, for the time being at least. The comment moderation is obviously not working, so until google get it sorted anons are not allowed. Please let me know if you have any problems - you can click the "contact me" button in the sidebar if you can't comment.

Kirby

That's it, I've had it with cricket!

I've decided I am over cricket. There are a number of reasons and here they are:

I live in England, a world where Graeme Swann is celebrated and people hope Ricky Ponting will retire.

Cricket is a world where the fans are in uproar about potential match-fixing - for a couple of days. After that they are just "over it".

That there were match fixing allegations to begin with is enough to put me off cricket. Do people seriously get a kick out of betting on no-balls? The words "get a life" spring to mind.

I live in England, where the main sport broadcasting radio station promises to commentate on every match of an international cricket tournament, then does so on all matches except those involving Australia (and stops altogether once England are out of the competition).

I follow an international side whose governing body doesn't have a clue what it's doing and whose chairman of selectors is a complete prat.

I follow a state side whose captain is struggling and whose best players inevitably get nicked by the Bloody Vics or the Blues. Mitchell Marsh should be off any time soon.

Bloody Vics.

I live in England, where they develop amazing blind spots about cricket results.

Australia are having a huge break, during which I am getting very very bored. I think it is most rude of Cricket Australia to have such a break. Do they not care about us bloggers? I'm doing so badly, the blog is getting hammered by spam and another Aussie cricket blog has stopped folllowing me on Twitter!

Cricket is a world where Stuart Broad is allowed to get a century and people still insist that only Australians sledge.

Shane Watson

Graeme Smith

Andrew Strauss

Harbajan Singh

 ... plus, I live in England where they think it is acceptable to remind me that I am "just a convict".

So cricket is over for me.


Until Australia start playing in India, that is.

Pain

On Thursday, Shane Warne proved in the Twitter world that he can spell better than me. I have been self-harming ever since.

That is all.

The Team for India (with some guy from South Australia)

Here it is. It is, as usual, very Blue:

Simon "I never got my chance to be captain" Katich
Michael "when can I be captain?" Clarke
Ricky "I'm still the bloody captain, dammit!" Ponting
Doug "Sid quite likes me and that's the way I like it" Bollinger
Peter "Who the hell am I?" George
Nathan "I am Sid's Lord" Hauritz
Josh "Me? Really?" Hazlewood
Ben "I'm back, baby!" Hilfenhaus
Phillip "At least I didn't swear, Kevo" Hughes
Michael "I'm old but I'm still scary" Hussey
Mitchell "Can I bring my mum?"Johnson
Marcus "I better get off my arse and do something, Ferguson is fit again" North
Tim "making the most of Hads being injured" Paine
Steven "remind me to jam a knife in Ritzy's foot again soon" Smith
Shane "Oh, is that what those guys offered me money for?" Watson