Australia v Sri Lanka Only T20

 That's right, dammit - I play for Victoria not NSW. I am a bloody Vic!

It's a ball, right? You know what to do with it?

Fine, I'll go get the KFC again. I fucking hate this.

I think I'm doing something wrong when I bat ... what could it be?

Check how soft his hair is, that's because he only ever uses Hauritz sweat on it. See that?

Hey Smithy, you want gravy or what?

 You're only a little thing, aren't you? Maybe you only need one of those mini-burgers. I'll let Shane know.

That way, Shane. KFC is that way, you stupid bastard. 

Right, Shane - are you getting this? Dirk wants 3 pieces with chips and gravy; I want a burger; have you got the rest? Off you go then ...

What if I just took this and rammed it up ...?

Has someone gone for the KFC yet? Because, I tell you, Smithy here is getting peckish.

What? Shane forgot to get me hot'n'spicy?? That's it, he's going down!

The Demise of the 'Tache

We knew someone was on the way out. Betti and I had hopes on who it might be (she=all of them; me=Hilditch), but as it turns out the sucker was Merv Hughes, he of the famous huge 'tache.  The decision was reportedly made in a meeting during which "feedback" on all selectors was given by the chairman, and senior arse himself, Andrew Hilditch.

So, what might that feedback have been, do you think? Here are some suggestions:

"Merv's 'tache is bigger than mine and I don't like it."

"I can only drink one half of a white wine spritzer to Merv's 6 beers and it makes me cry."

"Some Aussie cricket blogger likes to call us the Merv and Hildy show if (when) we cock up, and that sucks so Merv has to go."

"Merv knows something about cricket while I know fuck all and we can't have that."

or maybe just:

"They're all better than me but I am not going anywhere so let's just draw a name out of a hat, eh?"

Is it just me, or is this a bit like getting Kim Hughes to nominate Australia's worst ever cricket captain?

W.G. Grace Ate my Pedalo

Those who were around last week will know that it was my wedding anniversary. Amongst other things, including Che Richie, I got this:

It's quite fabulous, Mr Tyers, I must say.

It's a hilarious little book for anyone who has ever picked up a Wisden and thought it could use a few more giggles (and who among us hasn't done that, right?).

WARNING: this product may not be suitable for serious cricketers, statisticians, Australians, men with long beards, men with tall hats, Shane Warne, wigmakers, men with huge 'taches, Phil Tuffnel, those freaks who sit at county matches marking down every ball on a scorecard, bald men who take hair loss ads seriously, lady cricketers, Victorians or Kevin Pietersen. But only because we suspect he can't read.

Otherwise, you should definitely buy it. It's quite brilliant.

The Sri Lankans are in Town

They're here to play 1 T20 and 3 ODIs - so who's facing them?

Well, not Captain Kat because he has a broken finger. He wouldn't have played anyway, of course, but damn I hope he's back for the Ashes. We need our opening pair in working order.

Anyway, the one day team to face Sri Lanka is here:

Shane “I'm so good, I don't need Katto. Oh wait, no I'm not.” Watson
Shaun “I've been around for years but no one knows who I am” Marsh
Ricky “Clarke is rubbish, I want to be captain again” Ponting
Michael “I thought I did ok, you git” Clarke
Cameron “You'd have been fucked without me, Pup” White
Brad “Yeah Timmy's good, but can he abuse black people like me?” Haddin
Peter “I'm back, baby! And about fucking time” Siddle
Mitchell “not Marsh, not Johnson – I'm that other one” Starc
Steve “They are losing faith in Lord Nathan” Smith
John “of course I got picked, I play for NSW” Hastings
Lord Nathan “I'm missing the first ODI, my stock is going down down down” Hauritz
Michael “I've got years in me yet, fuck off Fergie” Hussey
Mitchell “the real one” Johnson
Clint “I surprised you all in India, didn't I?” McKay
Xavier “keeping the Tasmanian numbers up now that Hads is back” Doherty

The T20 side is pretty much as you would expect, but with John "who the hell am I, anyway?" Hastings in the mix:

David "missing link" Warner

Shane "they only go with me because they have no one else" Watson

Brad "I'm not as cute as Timmy, but I can hit" Haddin

Michael "I'm the captain this time. No, really" Clarke

Cameron "bloody Vic who should be captain" White

David "I ain't Mussey, but I am ok" Hussey

Steven "eat that, Ritzy" Smith

Steve "seriously?" O'Keefe

Peter "I'm not attractive, but damn I can bowl" Siddle

Clint "sound effect" McKay

Dirk "Sid loves you" Nannes

I know this mini-series is not at all important in light of what's coming up later in November, but I would really like to win something. Anything will do ...

Please?

Australian Test Captain Pageant - the Swimsuit Competition

Miss Ponting, last year's queen, has joined the Cricket Australia judges here tonight to award the captain's crown to one of the following contenders:

Miss Hussey - an old favourite, particularly of those in the West of the country, but is unlikely to score very highly in that 19th C, neck to knee style costume. Will most likely be dismissed as too old.

Miss Clarke - resembles Miss Ponting in style and, suitably enough is wearing a green and gold two piece number chosen for her by the current queen. She is clearly a favourite of the judges, although the audience don't seem so sure.

Miss Ferguson - the only contender who has not yet been seen wearing the team's green cap. Her shiny silver two piece costume is very fashionable, though, and many members of the audience are impressed.

Miss North - another old contender for the crown, this is a touching attempt to convince us of her abilities, but she is wearing a very ragged and torn bikini and that will not sway the judges or the audience at all. She will need to perform better than that, and consistently, if she wants some points.

Miss Katich - although one of the eldest here tonight, she is a relatively new contender to the crown. She swishes down the runway in a sporty one-piece number that has the crowd ooh-ing and aah-ing, but the judges seem to think her age makes her a non-contender.

Miss Broad - clearly in completely the wrong competition, but can't resisit an opportunity to put on a pair of Manolos and a Heidi Klein one-piece. She shall be mocked shamelessly until she buggers off.

Miss Hauritz - a sympathy nod to the young lady whose costume doesn't quite fit right and who just can't get the hang of those heels. She has had experience of the crown, as the holder of the youth version, but has not really shown crown potential since. I imagine this will be her final appearance in the competition.

Miss White - just some random girl who came in to drop off Miss Hussey's pizzas. She did look very athletic in that gold one-piece with the picture of the bushranger on the hip, didn't she? The audience loved her and cheered like mad when she appeared, but the CA judges sent her back out the door as quickly as possible. No chance of the crown, or even a green cap for her, I suspect. Why would that be, we wonder?

... and now it's time to wait while the judges make a decision ... will they choose to go with the favourite or will they opt for someone completely unexpected? We'll just have to wait and see.

A Little Ditty of Loss and Shame (also, Bugger)

Things started slow

at the Captain Pup show,

but soon the men were kicking arse.

Then Hauritz was shit

and that Kohli can hit,

our days of winning are long past.

Baggy Green Cap Betrayal - year 9

Nine years ago today, I took on the challenge of converting an English half-arsed cricket supporter to full blown green and gold obsession. I even moved here so that, once the immediate candidate was won over, I could roll the plan out across the country and thereby assure all Ashes test grounds hold around 80% Aussie fans in the future.

Sadly, my dear husband has reacted badly to the campaign and has actually become a devout supporter of the English team out of protest. I have consulted a professional and, alas, she has informed me that fandom of Graeme Swann is not grounds for divorce.

Don't worry, I've started a campaign.

For now, though, I feel I should stick with it. If we can get the Ashes back this winter, I'll at least keep the Ashes lead:

2001* - me

2003 - me

2005 - him

2007 - me

2009 - him

Score to date: 3-2 to me

*we weren't yet married during this series, but we had been together for some time and were living together. So it counts, bitches.

Pictures from Australia v. India ODI #1

Emails of love and hate and general Puntering

To: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au
From: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au

Nate,

You've been a bit shit, haven't you? Apart from me, you have only one fan (who is not married to you or related to you) and even she is losing faith. You need to get your shit together and fast. I've pissed off Punter over this Twitter business, I know, but he really made me mad. What the hell was he trying to do to you?

Get it together, mate. My reputation is on the line and so is your place in the Ashes side.

Shane


To: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au
From: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au

Yes,Shane.

To: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au
From: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au

I'm not fucking kidding, mate. I've not only tweeted criticism of the Aussie captain (nearly a capital offence in Australia, as you know) but I have paid Bishen Bedi to call you "brilliant" and have offered to help you prepare for the Ashes. This is because I have faith in you and because I have always said you were good and am afraid I might be wrong. And I just can't be wrong. I'm Shane Warne, dammit!

Now you will do as I fucking tell you.

Shane


To: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au
From: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au

If Ricky says I should, I will Shane.


To: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au
From: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au

What the fuck? "If Ricky says you should"?? What? I fucking say you should. I gave you your baggy green, man. I'm your sire. You will do as I say. I don't think you get how serious this is, Nate. People are invoking the K-word! They are throwing around other names as well, like O'Keefe. O-fucking-Keefe! We have to put a stop to this.

And would it kill you to take a golf club to North's shin? People are claiming North can handle the spin without you. North?!? The last time Punter tried that, we lost the Ashes for fuck sakes. How can people want that again?

I'll be knocking on your door at 6am for a breakfast of raw eggs and a 8k run. Or maybe some bacon and an arm wrestle, but I'll be there - you'd better be ready for me. If you're not, I'll tweet about you as well. My tweets may be generally boring with bad grammar, but people still follow them.

Shane


To: shane.warne@occasionallymytweetsareinteresting.com.au
From: nathan.hauritz@youarelosinglordstatus.com.au


Shane? Can we snuggle after? I'll rub your feet ...

Nate

How to upset a Graeme Swann fan and other things I've discovered while sulking over the cricket

Someone (who wasn't an expat Aussie cricket blogger whose name rhymes with "blurby" or a person whose loins spurned him) called My Lord Nathan a "brilliant off-spinner".

Honestly.

Graeme Swann fans - who evidently felt he was a shoo in for the Cricketer of the Year award - get upset when you remind them that he wasn't really nominated for it. One of them even called me a fool. I laughed so hard I peed in my pants a little.

God got 214 runs in some cricket match somewhere. I thought it was Sachin Tendulkar, but it seems I was looking at the wrong scorecard.

Sky have actually been showing this series after all. They are alternating it between sky sports 3 and 4 at their will. This keeps us on our toes and makes it difficult to record. It's clearly an ECB conspiracy.

Western Australia have been so shit in the Sheffield Shield thus far that even Andrew McDonald got a century against them. That's just embarrassing. It seems all West Aussie fans have ignored my calls to knock him off. A West Aussie duck, however, has not. Yay for ducks!

I had a moment of madness and forfeited the Ashes. That moment passed.

And finally, I fell asleep and dreamt that Marcus North got a century and that Nathan Hauritz's figures for the first innings were 2-153.

Thank Sachin, I mean God, it was only a dream, eh?

Campaign to forfeit the Ashes

Today was shit, right?

My Lord got beaten about so much that Indian supporters were feeling sorry for me on Twitter.

Sachin is on amazing form and our bowlers just seem to cow at his feet.

So, here's the plan - why don't we save the shame and embarrassment of this summer and just not play in the Ashes series? Let's just let England keep it, it would be so much quicker and will cause Australians so much less pain. It makes perfect sense.

Who's in?

The Gods smile on Tendulkar - apparently

So, I was told that Tendulkar is doing so well today because the Gods are smiling on him. The evidence for this is that he got 14,000 runs on the 10th day of the 10th month in 2010 AND because it was 10.10pm in Australia at the time.

Interesting (and convenient), in light of the fact that Australia crosses three time zones.

Also, the Gods must be smiling on me as well because I increased my weights at the gym on 10th day of the 10th month in 2010 AND Marcus North got a century AND the scab finally fell off that burn on my arm AND I got three tomatoes from my garden AND I didn't find any split ends in my hair ...

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Tendulkar is an amazing batsman, there is no doubt about it, but the Gods are smiling on him? Oh please.

One wonders how the great man himself feels about the fact that his countrymen are crediting the "gods" with all his hard work.

India 128-2 at stumps on day 2; trailing Australia by 350 runs.

Cloudy weather, a half decent start and ... Bradford

Apologies for my absence, I've been in Bradford for a couple of days for a film festival and it seems that Sky are not showing this second test. I can't find any highlights or evidence that it has even been noticed. This would never happen with the BBC - they would kill to show a series that has Australia on the back foot.

So, I haven't seen any of it. I've only read it about it.

It looks as though the weather was a bit cloudy; the Aussie batsman started well but none of them could hit three figures; Ponting seems to have dominated again but went for 77.

Feel free, anyone, to correct me ...

Marcus North made it to 43 and is still not out. I will pray tonight that he can make it to 100. That should sort out two problems in one: an average 1st innings haul and North's contentious place in the side.

Bad light stopped play for the day, with Australia on 285-5.

Did I miss anything worth mentioning?

The ICC awards - I am a winner!

Having announced to Twitter this morning that I would tweet "I love Graeme Swann" every day for a week, and change my profile picture from My Lord to one of Swann, should Swann win Cricketer of the Year (you know the one he was never actually nominated for) - I am pleased to say he did not win.

Neither did I, of course. Sachin Tendulkar did and well deserved, too.

But I am a winner because I can now tweet "I hate Graeme Swann" every day for a ... well, for a lifetime if I want to ...


And I do.

India, Day 5 - we lost.

That is all.

India, Day 4 - a little bit o' dodgy and a whole lotta Hilf

I don't know what to say.

Seriously.

There was a dodgy no-ball called - possibly the only time Ishant didn't no ball - and some other rather close calls that had the Indian contingent on Twitter and Facebook claiming Bowden was biased.

But in short, it went like this:

Australia's batting collapsed
I swore a few times
We were bowled out for 192
The Indians thought they had it in the bag
Hilfy arrived
The Indian batting collapsed even worse than us
I did a little dance across the library
They are now 55-4
They need 161 runs to win
They have all day tomorrow to get it
but they only have 6 wickets left
Tendulkar is still in
Hilfy is on fire

Which way is this one going to go?

Bloody hell - who knows?

India, Day 3 - the artist formerly known as Sachin

It wasn't the greatest of starts today, we managed to only take two more wickets in the first two sessions (cheers Ruggie, by the way) and made the dire mistake of letting Tendulkar get himself settled. This is never a good thing to do. The world knows that man only needs the slightest of provocation before he will punish bowlers and play with their minds.

And he had help today. He took the inexperienced Raini by the hand and got all Yoda on his arse. The two taunted Hilfy, Hauritz, Mitchy and Twatto - although Mitchy and Twatto gave pretty good in return. I was surprised at how tight Twatto's bowling was, actually. There's nothing to make fun of there, but dropping the simplest of catches is a different story altogether ...

The breakthrough finally came off North, of all bowlers, and surely we were all a bit disappointed to see Sachin go on 98, yes? Well, no actually. It was a much needed wicket and, all due respect, I don't care what he was on.

Dhoni came out swinging, but Johnson got him at 14 with a rather dodgy catch ... did it carry or not? Actually, I think it did but only after watching several slo-mo replays. I don't believe the umpires could have been clear and probably should have given the Dhoni the benefit of the doubt, but there you have it.

From there things pretty well crumbled for India. Johnson took a 5 for and My Lord helped himself to a couple of tail-enders as well. I'm peased for him, he was started to look a bit iffy out there.

At stumps on day 3, India were all out for 405. Australia will start to bat again tomorrow with a lead of just 23 runs. Methinks Stani was right - we're gonna run out of time and end up with a draw.

India, Day 2 - and then there was Mitchy

The batting was slow

Watson did finally go

And then there was Mitchy

71 runs in one session

snails could give us a speeding lesson

And then there was Mitchy

Paine seriously kicked arse,

showed us all he has some class

And then there was Mitchy

Gambhir tried to get settled,

Sehwag showed us his mettle,

And then there was Mitchy.

He can bat, he can bowl

(although mothers take their toll)

Ladies and Gentleman, that's our Mitchy

Australia finished their innings with 428 and India ended the day on 110/2. Both wickets were taken by our tattooed one.

India, Day 1 - a fellatio success story

Within about 8 hours of the 1st test starting, Sky complied with my demands and managed to get the rights to screen it. Useless bastards.

It all started at 5am UK time and, as many of you already know, I had consumed several pints of cider on the eve o'Thursday and was thus in no position to be getting up in the wee smalls. So, I woke up at my usual time and thought "whoever won the toss, batted first and is doing quite well." You know, because we're in India.

I turned on the TV to the lunch break and Australia on 101-1. So Ponting had clearly won the toss.

And all was going swimmingly, old bean. Captain Kat went for 6 early on, which was a small shame, but otherwise things were good. Watson was dropped about a thousand times and got away with a couple of run-out opportunities while Ponting was relieved that Sharma can't keep his heel behind the line.

Then Ponting went. Zaheer Khan showed what a fine sportsman he is by wishing him well as he left, or possibly putting a curse on the team because from there we went to shite.

Well, no it wasn't that bad but Watson seemed to struggle once Ponting wasn't there to hold his hand. He still managed 100, although it took him just under a week to do it. I had such high hopes for Clarke, who got a century at this ground on debut, but he was - in the words of JenSurname - a numpty. He went for 14.

The Muss did ok, he kind of supported the enormous bear that is Twatto for a bit. Then he went and we got North. Now I keep defending North, because he's my state captain and the Edgbaston crap and he signed my flag and all that ... but for the love of Hauritz, I have just about had enough!! What the hell was that? Can someone please explain?

So we're 5 wickets down for sweet FA at the end of day 1, basically. That's all you need to know.

I'm off to buy a Callum Ferguson poster.