Operation Ashes Retrieval - ERROR MESSAGE!

connecting
unable to connect
trying again in 3...2...1...
connecting
unable to connect
trying again in 3...2...1...

Computer unable to generate Operation Ashes Retrieval report, day 5 of 25.
Computer developed virus over opposition man with mascara stomping all over Agent Don (deceased).
Computer spent the night and most of the following day vomiting from said virus.

System fail
Mission fail
Opposition bastards

Operation Ashes Retrieval suspended for three days.
Computer to now run anti-virus software, ibuprofen, and return temporarily to sleep mode.

CTRL
ALT
DEL

SHUT DOWN

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 4 of 25

Operatives returned to the field. Opposition agents Strauss and Cook - aka smarmy gits - took to the middle.

Report on agents' position as follows:

Agent Hilf - fail

Agent Sids - fail

Agent N - really? 1 hit?

Agent Johns - epic fail

Agent X - nobody's Lord and thus fail

Agent Twat - epic fail

Agent Pitch - too slow and pissy

Opposition status - too f@*%£ng good
Mission status - beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Report ends

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 3 of 25

Computer would like to state, for the record, that Agents Muss and Hads categorically blew the fuckers away.

All else is irrelevant.

Mission status - 481 no hits left

Oppositions status - no hits for 19
Opposition has faced 15 overs
Opposition radio still reporting positive day for Opposition

Computer registers confusion (and barely disguised mirth)

Report ends

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 2 of 25

Agents Twat and Kat returned to the scene of play. The opposition returned to the field.

Report on Agents' positions as follows:

Agent Twat - impressive with the bat, but little battles with partner, Agent Kat, must be stopped. 36.

Agent Kat - as slow and solid as ever. Needs to smack Agent Twat around the head at times. 50.

Agent P - not good enough. Suffered at the hands of a Lancastrian with a poor record in Australia. 10.

Agent Pup - also not good enough. Attacked by a little girl then taken out by Finn. 9.

Agent N - yikes. 1.

Agent Hads - Looking impressive in his support role with Agent Muss. Current status = 22

Agent Muss - stepped up and took the opposition by the throat. May have saved the day for our operatives. Current status = 81.

Mission status - 5 hits gone for 220.

Report ends.

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 1 of 25

Status is as follows:

Operatives all in place; Head Agent P had disappointing start as coin failed to follow orders and land in the required way. As a result, Head Agent P and his men were send into the field.

It was not a complete failure.

Report on agents' positions to follow:

Agent Hilf - not bad, 1 hit

Agent Johns - no hits, not brilliant

Agent X - nice first assignment, 2 hits

Agent Twat - still a big blonde airhead, but is forgiven for his 1 hit and starting the second session well

Agent N - brought in for a laugh, no hits

Agent Sids - returning to action after time out and has quietened critics and Englishmen alike - 6 hits including 3 running.

Agent Kat - started shakey, but settled nicely. Mission control should hope for a good early session tomorrow from Agent Kat and Agent Twat.


Opposition status - all hits gone for 260
Mission status - no hits for 25

Report ends.

Ponting's Desert Island Discs

With the Ashes so close, BBC radio 4 thought it was a good time to distract the Australian Captain and have him on Desert Island Discs.

If you don't know the format of the show, each guest chooses 5 tracks they would take with them to their desert island. In addition to this they get to take the Bible, the complete works of Shakespeare, a book of their own choosing and one luxury item.

Here are Ponting's tracks:

I Like your Old Stuff Better than your New Stuff - Regurgitator
World Wide Suicide -Pearl Jam
The Thrill is Gone - B.B. King
I'm Going Down - Bruce Springsteen
Nowhere Man - The Beatles

He decided to opt out of the Bible and take a comic instead; he doesn't know who Shakespeare is so asked if he could subsitute another song. He was told to piss off. Instead he was offered a second comic or Green Eggs and Ham by Dr Seuss.

He went with the comic.

His choice of book, interestingly, was Out of My Comfort Zone by Steve Waugh. When asked why he chose this, he said it was partly because he wants to look like he is capable of reading such a big book and partly because he is hoping to get some last minute tips on being an Ashes winning captain.

Understandable, really.

As his luxury item, Ponting was torn between a mirror and a photo of himself holding the Ashes. He went for the latter, as it is a very rare item and he hopes might be worth something one day.

Before finishing the show, he was heard to quietly ask if Steve Waugh's book is available on audio.

I think the studio staff could've muffled their laughter a bit better, to be honest.

Hauritz 0 - Doherty 1 or The X-man Cometh

Dear Nathan,

Ricky, Tim and I have all stood up and publicly supported you in the last few months, even though you were being shit. And we were laughed at, which I don't like because I am the chairman of selectors you know (no, really). Then we told you to go back to play for NSW, and even suggested they let you be captain for a little bit, and said that would be the best preparation for you for the Ashes.

We were lying.

But we were having so much fun pissing you about. That's why we invited you along to speak at the press conference at the Opera House last week. It's great watching you think we all support you through your ups and your downs, watching you be all comfortable in your place with such staple players as Katich, Clarke and Watson. Notice we didn't invite Hussey there? That was to fuck with his head as well. We love it.

But guess what? You're not playing in Brisbane and you probably won't play again. Because Doherty is just better than you, at the moment anyway, and Steve Smith is all cuddly and shit. Shane Warne can complain all he wants, too. We gave that fat bastard his own cricket ground and he still won't shut the hell up.

So off you go to hang out with Krejza, McGain, Casson and McGill at the Spinners we've Stopped giving a Shit About bar. Don't worry, Smith and Doherty will join you in a year or so.

Love Andrew Hilditch

Cricket Australia
Because we can!

Five ways to ensure Ashes victory

1. Injure Graeme Swann - taking an instrument of torture to his ankles is probably best, but if all else fails try to injure his massive ego - organise some cats to testify to his cruelty or announce to the Australian press that he is drunk after one white win spritzer. They'll hang him out to dry.

2. Keep an eye on Stuart Broad - she likes to fondle the ball with those pedicured toenails - and remind her at every opportunity that she is an idiot. Don't be too loud about it, though, or she'll have her daddy come and sort you out.

3. The kookaburra ball - they've been practising with it too much, let's have our boys switch the match ball to a large stone painted red.

4. Introduce Strauss to some women - none have ever spoken to him before (because he has no personality or conversation skills), so it'll be a shock to the system that will last the summer through.

5. Laxatives - if all else fails, a quality "stomach bug" courtesy, in theory at least, of all that rich Australian cuisine. If you can't get into the England dressing room, email sidisworried@ohmygodweregoingtoloseathome.com.au for a list of participating restaurants in the Brisbane area.

And let's not forget how well those death threats can work ...

Key Ashes Rivalries

As the Ashes crawls ever nearer and the blogosphere finds itself awash with pre-ashes speculation and intrigue, I thought "what the hell?" - why not join in? So I thought I'd identify and break down some of the key rivalries, old and new, that are bound to flare up this Australian summer. Tell me what you think:

Ponting vs. Strauss - the battle of the toss returns. If only Ponting can win one this time.

Hauritz vs. Strauss - My Lord has a habit of taking the England captain's wicket. If it's the only wicket he takes this summer (and it probably will be) I'll still be happy ... ish.

Hauritz vs. Doherty - the new young gun and the guy nobody wanted (except me); then they liked him for a bit and now they want him gone again.

Smith vs. Oblivion - the last "new young gun" that everyone seems to have forgotten.

Hilfenhaus vs. injury - could be an important man for us, let's hope he can stay in one piece.

Watson vs. Clarke - nothing new here. These two generally fight each other for prat of the team. Watson is currently winning.

Watson vs. Katich - Simon is a bit of a brain box, Watson is a complete airhead. You do the maths.

Watson vs. none of the England batsmen - because he can't bowl.

Watson vs. the Aussie fans - we don't like him.

Hell, Watson vs. everyone - enough said.

North vs. Ferguson - the West Aussie captain will know The Ferg is just waiting for him to mess up. Voodoo dolls have been sighted.

North vs. the critics - he has plenty of them. Memories of the last Ashes series have long since evaporated, he needs to do well.

Ferguson vs. expectation - if (when) either North or Hussey cock up, Ferguson will be drafted in. The fans have put so much hope in him, nothing less than a double century and 9 wickets will save him now.

White vs. the selection panel - they aren't sure if he is real or just a figment of their wildest dreams.

Australia vs. England - you still need help there?

A Letter from the Australian High Commision and some other stuff ...

A poll done by an Aussie newspaper last week shows that more Aussie fans think Australia will lose the Ashes than think they will win it. I suspect that is just typical Aussie talk, to be honest. When we win it, they'll say they knew all along we would. And they'll probably do a little dance.

The poll also showed that Clarke came in second as the fans' favourite for next captain - behind a Bloody Vic who hasn't even got a Baggy Green. Idiot Hildy, are you taking notice? I hope not, actually, because it also showed that about 85% of Aussies think Hauritz should be replaced as the main spinner.

Cue Steve Smith and Xavier Doherty fans.

K-word fans, don't even bloody try it on with me.

An ex-spinner, Kerry O'Keeffe (whose name I keep mis-spelling, getting Stevie OK fans all excited) (sorry, Kezza), thinks fans have written My Lord off way too soon. He thinks Lord Nathan will kick some cat-loving, didn't get nominted for cricketer-of-the-year Swanny arse this Aussie summer. He's right, of course.

Or he might just feel for Hauritz, as he too was meant to be Australia's next great spinner and never quite made it.

And, finally, in a letter from the Australian High Commission in London this week, I was informed that Australians the world over are now permitted to like Jesse Ryder. Except when he's playing Australia, naturally.

I'm nothing if not patriotic, so I'll do my best. No promises, though.

(stupid kiwis)

How to do away with Shane Watson (you know you want to)

So you girls are saying, if a batsman is out of his crease ...

1. Find a better opening batsman. He's not bad, but irreplaceble? Nope.
2. Remind him that, strictly speaking, to be an all-rounder you need to be able to bat and bowl. And knowing what the stumps are for couldn't hurt, either.
3. Pay Pup to kneecap him. In fact, if you smile sweetly enough, Pup will probably do it for free. He's been gagging to have a go for a while now. For the price of a beer, Katto might even help.
4. Willingly risk the Ashes by praying he does very, very badly and is never picked again. Twatto really is that annoying.
5. Have him move back to Queensland. If he isn't playing for the Blues, CA might just forget about him.
6. If all else fails, kill Andrew Hilditch. Not that you need any encouragement to do this, really, but he does seem to be quite a fan of Twatto.
7. Death threats. If we've learned nothing else from world cricket this week, we've learned that some well-placed death threats can swiftly remove a player. If he doesn't retire, you can always hope he leaves the country, searching for asylum elsewhere, and is suspended by his own cricket board. It seems to work.

Question of the Day

Sleazy car salesman or Greek porn star from 1983?

You decide ...

It's getting close and I'm getting worried

Clarke can deny it all he likes, but the team discontent looks pretty dismal from where I sit:

Pup's place as future captain and his general attitude is being questioned by the team, he seems to have fallen out with Twatto and he has a new bimbo in his life to take his mind off cricket.

Hauritz is pissing Punter off again and refusing to do as he's told (I knew there was a reason I loved that man. I just forgot it for a while). Newby on the selection panel, Greg Chappell, is backing Hauritz. Chappell also wants Hussey out and Hilditch doesn't, so how long do we give Chappell? I'm opening a book on it, put your bets in the comments*

And half the likely Ashes team is injured.

And we know it's the likely team because Hilditch has announced that, despite injuries to a few of them (and some general iffyness and some Twatto), the team will largely resemble the 2009 edition. Except for the inclusion of Dug the Rug. Who is still recovering from injury.

This is going well, isn't it?

I hope they have a good medical team on hand at the Gabba (and a first aid kit with Callum Ferguson in it).

*not really, you dopey bastards.

"Australia win" ...?

No sorry, I'm lost.

"Australia win".

This is a familiar term, but I can't think what it means. It's just been long since I've heard it.

Please help.

Watson and Clarke and Clarke and Watson

Aaw, Shaney, did that hurt? Oops!

-You did that deliberately, didn't you Pup?

-Well, that's what you get for being so useless and making me look like a rubbish captain the other day. 

-Are you having a go at me, mate? Are you insulting my bowling?

-What are you, new? Everybody does that Shane.

That match was clearly fixed.

Well, you all know by now. I don't need to tell you. We did all right, although not the greatest total; Xavier Doherty sent My Lord's stocks plummeting hellwards and the Sri Lankans decided to just give their wickets away.

Until Pup felt that Australia winning just wasn't in the script and benched Smith, who was employing all his agressiveness, and brought on Twatto. Well, of course. Why wouldn't you?

Unsurprisingly, I've been quiet because I had to wait for the fucking prozac to kick in.

I thought I'd come on here and write something chirpy; something to make you all smile a little. And that's no mean feat, when all you want to do is take Michael Clarke by the feet and continuously dunk his little shaven head in a bucket containing the tepid urine of some unidentified beast all the while shouting "WATSON CAN'T BOWL, YOU IDIOT!"

... and breathe ... I'm not too annoyed. Calming down ... I'm not annoyed at all. You see, the match was clearly fixed. The ICC even felt the need to investigate. Briefly. I'm telling the truth, you should read Jrod's report.

And then come back here and curse with me for a while, would you? 

Shane Watson issues an Ashes warning

No, really.

Seriously people - stop laughing, get off the floor and read on.

Shane Watson - with his girly hair, his baby face, his crap bowling and his "I'm not very smart, I'm from Northern Queensland" accent - has shaken his finger and issued an Ashes warning to England.

This pre-Ashes war of words - I love it. It's fun, it can get nasty, Ponting's face gets all hilarious and it gets the crowd all exited about the matches to come. But really, if we want to get involved, surely we can do better than Shane Watson?

This is just embarrassing.