The expected New Year post

This is the time when we are all supposed to write a post telling you all about one of the following:

• New blogs that appeared in 2010
• my favourite blogs of 2010 OR
• my favourite blog posts of 2010

But that would imply I like one or two of you, and I don't want to lure you all into a false sense of security like that.

So, instead, here is the Gits of 2010 honour roll - 5 players selected from a huge cast of potentials:

Stuart Broad for the "was he/wasn't he?" ball tampering scandal and for running to Daddy to get him out of trouble.

Andrew Hilditch for ... where to begin? Maybe we should think of the reasons he isn't a git, because that would be quicker.

Nope, got nothing.

Sachin Tendulkar - just because it will piss people off to have him on this list.

Zulquy Haider - for trying to move to the UK when Australia is so much nicer.

AND ...

Xavier Doherty - for not being My Lord.

Oh, come on! That was predictable, wasn't it?

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

The Finger of Ponting #2

Dear Pup,

My pinkie is giving me jip, please be captain instead of me in Sydney. Please? Everyone has been mean to me and they want me to quit and I'm all hurt and confused and very pissed off at all of you bastards for not batting better ... and I don't want to play.

You're not to get any ideas of staying on as captain, though, Sunshine. I'll be back. I think I should just let the dust settle a bit on the Ashes, and let you take the crap if we lose at Sydney as well. Remind everyone that losing this series wasn't just my doing. Then, when they hate you more than they hate me, I'll step back up and start kicking arse again.

But, for now, my pinkie hurts. Please be captain at Sydney for me?

Love and kisses,

Rick
x

P.S. Try not to win and ruin my plan, eh?

Operation ... blah blah bliddy blah

Well, it is done. Can't say I'm in the mood for humour or dissection of what happened, but the time will come. Suffice it to say, we were totally outplayed.

So, what now? Do we have a total overhaul? Is it that the selectors are going with the wrong players for the wrong reasons or is Australia just having a talent drought lately?

What do you think?

Us playing awful, of course, is not to take away from England. They were on form in most areas and stumbled only on a pitch that they weren't used to. They deserve credit all round. It's not easy to come down under and emerge victorious, especially with hundreds of drunk blokes swearing at you. Only a few England captains have done it.

So, well done England. A victory well deserved.

P.S. I have already been told I have sour grapes for daring to say England's fielding was poor on occasion (after spending 15 minutes saying that England deserved the win and that we were generally rubbish, especially our batting). So: England were perfect, they did everything exactly right and made absolutely no mistakes at all.

Happy?

Me, either.

Operation Can't Bat, Can't Bowl, Oh My God this is Humiliating - Day 3

Mission's bowling operatives have continued to be marginally better than previously.
Mission's batting operatives stepped up and played only slightly better than previously.

Agents Johns and Hads are still at the plate, so a fight may yet ensue.

Computer suspects it will only delay the inevitable.

Mission status - requiring 246 runs to make opposition bat again.
Oppostion status - need only to take 4 wickets for a victory.

Big fat buggery bollocks.

Is it too late to pray for two days of rain?

Report ends.

Operation Can't Bat, Can't Bowl, Oh My God this is Humiliating - Day 2

So, you've just become the least successful Australian Ashes captain ever, have you?







Now it's important you control your temper!
An information leaflet with a few ideas

Included inside are such tips as:

• Know how to set your field
• Choose bowlers that can actually bowl
• Learn how to inspire your team
• Don't yell at others when things don't go your way

and, most helpfully:

• Try to avoid becoming the least successful Australia Ashes captain ever

I'm sure Ponting will find this leaflet useful.

Leaflet kindly produced by Ponting Pisstake Productions.

Operation Ashes Retrieval ...

... is pretty much dead in the water.

Operation Can't Bat, Can't Bowl, Oh My God this is Humiliating is alive and kicking, though.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have divorce papers drawn up.

Mission ends
Mission big fat fail

The Finger of Ponting

It seems it's official that Ricky Ponting will play the 4th Ashes test at the MCG.

According to Crapinfo, he batted in the nets today "without any apparent discomfort".

I imagine any pain is likely to appear only after batting for more than 30 minutes or so.

This means Punter will be fine.

All I want for Christmas ...

... is my fucking baggy green cap back!

Although I may sell it if you piss me off again ...

Phil Hughes - The Call Up and other stories

Cool! Katich is injured, I might get called up. Just kidding, they're obviously going to go with someone better. Last year, I was replaced with Twatto, for heaven's sakes!

Yeah right - you want me to open with Twatto! Brilliant joke. Pull the other one mate.

What? You're serious? But I'm rubbish ... oh shit.

Told ya ...

 

Swann's lack of personality and other stuff that happened recently

Australia won a test.

Shane Warne and Liz Hurley had some sort of scam relationship. A more mismatched couple there never was - does anyone really believe this was more than some sort of publicity stunt?

Usman Khawaja had Lord Nathan hold Punter down so he could jump on his finger a few times. As a result, Punter has a broken finger and may have to miss the boxing day test.

Australia won the third Ashes test.

Tendulkar did something big again. I'm Australian; the Ashes is on - how was I supposed to notice?

Lots of fans are calling for the return of Hauritz, which is interesting since only about three of us thought dropping him was a mistake when it happened. If he comes back for Sydney and kicks English arse, I plan to get really obnoxious. Consider yourselves warned.

Australia did something they haven't done in a while and won a test match. Just in case you missed it.

Ian Chappell thinks Ricky Ponting's captaincy is bad for Australia and cites Haddin as the only viable replacement. I've considered Hads, but I'm not sure he wouldn't abuse Asian batsmen black batsmen Poms everyone as soon as things aren't going his way.

Graeme Swann didn't win BBC Sports Personality of the Year. Thank Nate for that. He's such a git.

Geoffrey Boycott stated the obvious.

And, you might want to be seated for this, Australia managed to win something. It's cause for excitement, because it doesn't happen too often these days.

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 14 of 25

Mission continued.
Mission successful.
Opposition bye-byes for 123. So sad.

Agent Ry a bit good.
Agent Johns also fabulous.

... and as the crowd dispersed from the WACA, Aussie flags rippling in the hands of the Fremantle Doctor, this man was seen leaving the ground in his own special way:

Report ends.

P.S. thanks to Jesskimoo, whose pyjama tweet inspired this, and to my son Tom, who helped me fight with the Gimp.

And thanks to Mike Hussey for being my hero.

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 13 of 25

Operation continues

Agent Muss kicked opposition butts (again)
Agent Twat did good but is still unable to amass three figures.
Agent Smith was not bad and at least better than former Agent N (not difficult)

Opposition status - shite

Is computer jinxing things to say we might just win this one?

Report ends.

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 12 of 25

Please forgive the shortness, computer has just had a meeting set up in which she will be told she is losing her job.

 

Good day - Agent Johns fabulous, Agent Twatto slow but steady and Agent Muss gearing up to kick some butt.

 

Agent P rubbish. Needs to be taken aside and beaten with a soggy sock.

 

Computer is cautiously optimistic, but could really use the cheering up!

 

Report ends

 

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 11 of 25

Operation resumes.

Toss goes opposition's way; opposition sends our operatives to middle.

 

 

Agents status's are as follows:

 

Agent Twatto - massive opening total of 13 aka. fail

 

Agent Babyface - fail

 

Agent P - fail

 

Agent Pup - fail

 

Agent Muss - first batter to step up yet again 61

 

Agent Smith - fail

 

Agents Hads - looking good 53

 

Agent Johns - thank god he's back 62

 

Agent Ry - (big surprise) fail

 

Agent Sids - they weren't stupid enough to go with Beer 35 n.o.

 

Agent Hilf - not bad really 13

 

Opposition status - no hits for 29 at stumps

 

Computer is celebrating her birthday.

Computer expected better from Agent P.

Computer should know better than to get her hopes up.

 

 

Report ends.

 

Disparagement reigns, I concede defeat: The Garage Sale

A journalist walks into a garage sale.

An unjustly shafted Australian cricketer is sitting at the back, rifling through a box of cricket gear.

Journalist approaches and asks cricketer if anything is for sale.

Cricketer says no, but you can have this jumper if you like.

Last year, in England, cricketer was noted by the press for giving away the very jumper he was wearing at a match, simply because a young boy told him he was a fan.

Journalist  - despite having been given a free piece of cricket memorabilia - returns to his office and writes nasty piece about cricketer selling his Cricket Australia gear, implying that cricketer had spat the dummy over being dropped.

Cricketer is nice.

Journalist is arsehole.

That is all.

Shane Warne comes out of Retirement to Captain the Ashes side - look in on his first team meeting

Right, listen up - Siddle, Harris, Johnson, Hilfy, Smith and you ... what's your name? Oh yeah, Beer ... listen carefully: THIS is a ball. OK? Now what we do with it is ...

Let them have Beer (cheers, Shane)

So, Shane Warne will not be rejoining the side (like anyone other than complete idiots ever thought he would) but his idea of giving us a spinner with no experience, who has hardly played at any first class ground let alone the WACA, has been taken on board. We're getting Michael Beer.

Oh well, as I said - he can't possibly be worse than Doherty.

And the bells ring out - North has been dropped! Actually, now I'm a bit sad but only because it's his home ground. I imagine Steve Smith will play, because they don't seem to have picked a specialist batsman to replace Our Marcus. How bad must North be if even a bowler is considered better with a bat than him?

Bollinger, sadly, has also been dropped and his removal has made way for Mitchy to return. Let's hope he has his shit together now. Hilfy is also back and, as expected, Babyface Phil is in the squad in the place of Katich.

My Lord, by the way, is NOT back in the squad. Colour me stunned.

My favourite bit, though, is where Hilditch announces that they have selected an altered Australian squad because he believes the side needs to be more aggressive. That's nice. Clearly he didn't think they needed to be more aggressive two tests ago.

Well done, Hildy.

And in a side note, England's bowlers have failed against Victoria in their tour match in Melbourne. It doesn't mean a lot, because they aren't the bowlers who gave us grief in Adelaide but they are potential Ashes bowlers. So, basically, Victoria's batsmen are better than those on the national side.

Excellent.

Warney the fickle little so-and-so

Dear Nathan,

I'm over you - you're dumped. I had my little rant about you the other week when you were dropped for that useless little weed with the weird name, but I'm done with it. I still think "X" was the wrong choice and I'm kind of pleased Punter is wearing it for requesting him, but I've moved on to a new love. Now I want Michael Beer to play at the WACA.

There's no reason for this except that he is local and has some decent figures. He has no experience against England, as you and Smith do (and your figures have been fucking swish for the Blues lately). Actually, he has barely any experience at first class cricket at all but our team can't possibly play any worse with him, can they? The truth is, I just wanted to be able to say "Australia need some beer". It makes me sound all witty and clever, doesn't it?

You know what, I'm over Michael now as well - I think I'll come out of retirement and get the fucking Ashes back myself! Yeah, that's a great idea - no one is better than me, right? Let's do it ...

Now I just have to get Punter to "request" me, like he did Doherty ...

Take care and enjoy life with the Blues. You're never leaving.

Yours,
Shaney
x

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 10 of 25

Operation status is as follows:

Mission = FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL

Computer identifies the following weaknesses:

• lack of batsmen who can actually bat
• lack of bowlers with any skill
• lack of My Lord (possibly disputed)
• lack of a captain who knows what he's doing
• complete lack of confidence, thus allowing the opposition to do better than they have a right to

Operation will soon run out of bowling agents to drop.
Computer recommends Agent N's position be seriously reconsidered.
Injury of Agent Kat means the possible return of Agent Babyface Phil.


Computer is not happy.
Computer has to live amongst these bastards.

Operation suspended.

Report ends.

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 9 of 25

Status is as follows:

Agents Twat, Kat, Pup and Muss have attempted a comeback.
Computer registers that had they not completely failed in the first innings, this might be game on.

Agent P failed. Again.
Computer is sending a mail bomb.

Mission status - too little too late
Opposition status - bastards

Computer is ashamed to admit she is counting on bad weather to save the operation.
Computer is not ashamed to admit she dislikes Oppostion Agent Massive Jaw even more than ever.

Report ends

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 8 of 25

***Rated PG – contains scenes which may cause distress to some readers***

Its habitat now limited to the sun-baked suburbs of Melbourne and Sydney, this species has been hunted down cruelly by a man with a huge jaw, a guy wearing mascara and some South African prat. Its situation is now dire – it is in serious danger of extinction!

These upsetting pictures show the extent of the damage done by the aggressors:

 

Please don't leave them to suffer. They desperately need your help. You can do your bit to save this poor, endangered creature – the Australian test cricketer. Please dig deep! 

Send all donations (and offers of real cricket) to ohgoodgodwearedoomed@wherehaveallourcricketersgone.com.au

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 7 of 25

Status is as follows:

Dear Australia,

When you see this happening:

YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG!

Please, please stop.

From Sid/Kirby/Computer/I don't even care anymore - I'm losing the will to live.

Report is fucking over.

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 6 of 25

Operation resumed at 1030 in the am local time.
By 1035 local time, operation was looking shite.

Status is as follows:

Agent P successfully called the coin; Agent P chose to send Agents Twat and Kat to the middle.


Report on agents' positions as follows:

Agent Kat - is probably having his fist surgically removed from Agent Twat as I write

Agent Twat - might want to speak a little louder, but still 51

Agent Clarke - possibly unlucky but still: ye gads!

Agent P - not good enough, again.

Agent Muss - Our Saviour, who did his best but it won't be enough 93

Agent N - made it out of single figures, must be pleased. No one else is.

Agent Hads - nicely supported Agent Muss again, 56

Agents Harris, X, Sids and Bolly - 9 between them. Let's hope they can bowl better.

Agents' total for 10 hits - 245
Computer is not best pleased. Computer is down a fiver after betting agents wouldn't make it to 200.


Mission status - epic fail
Opposition status - too bloody happy

Report ends

Heil, Punter!

Dear Bowlers,

You are all bastards. You fucked us up in Brisbane - don't you know we always win at the Gabba? I mean, ALWAYS! That's why it's always the first test, you losers.

I'm bringing in Bolly and Harris, but I'm not telling you who is sitting the next test out. None of you are safe. That's all I'll say: none of you are safe. Except Xavier-the-not-Nathan. Although he was just as awful as the rest of you, he's not Nathan. So he's fine.

I'm also safe. Although I was also quite rubbish at times, I'm the captain so I can't be touched. You know, until we lose and I get axed ... but until then, I'm the boss and I'm telling you that none of you are safe so start the begging. And I could use some gifts. My ipod got some of Pup's hair spray on it the other day and is sounding a bit off.

Mitch, your bribe gift had better be fucking huge.

From Ricky