It has come to our attention that many of the Australian fans think you should be our next test captain. Ponting is getting on, you know, so we need to consider our future options. You are probably aware, however, that our eye has been on Pup for the position in question for quite some time, but we would be willing to reconsider if you fit the bill.
No, really - it doesn't matter if we get it completely wrong, we're fucking untouchable.
Here are our general requirements for test captain:
- You must date a bimbo model. More than one during your playing career would be best, to be honest, and you should let your personal life take over as often as possible.
- You must do your best to be arsey with umpires and opponents at all times. Don't be afraid to call people cheats when the team is losing. And take all credit for a win, even if you make completely the wrong call at the toss.
- You must be willing to always bat first if you win the toss. We don't know why, we just like the idea.
- You must have no idea what to do with spinners. This is an absolute must for a test captain.
- We like our captains to chew gum loudly and with as little grace as possible while in the field and a willingness to develop grumpy yet humorous facial expressions is preferred.
- Finally, are you likely to lose all ability to bat and/or bowl when you become captain because of the pressures and because you're just not very smart? If so, this may be the job for you.
If you think you are suited to the post, please send us an 8x10 portrait of you with your shirt off (that's for Merv. He just likes it.) and a hand drawn picture of you holding the Ashes (this won't make a difference, we've just forgotten what an Aussie looks like while holding the Ashes).
And feel free to send gifts.
Love Andrew Hilditch and the selection panel
xxx
Cricket Australia - because we can!
8 thoughts on this post:
:-)
Good to know the Selectors are a 'Class Apart' even down under. How we love to hate the 'Bunch of Jokers' in India too !
We call our Chief Selector "Sri Can't" !
Earlier there was a call for 'No More Kiran More' !
They have to spit in their hands as well.
I'm actually looking forward to what CA chooses to do with the selectors' committee post-World Cup with a great deal of (bizarre) interest. There are days when I'm full of hope ... and days when I'm not. It's fun in a way and fun in a way NOT ... a kind of masochistic suspense. At least with CA, it's never boring?!
I guess every country has issues with their selectors somewhere along the way. Maybe not England at the moment; certainly Pakistan do. At least India seem to still win things despite selector issues.
I forgot the hand spitting! I knew there were more to add, but at the time I think my temperature was heading skyward because I was down ill through the night and all the next day. Perhaps Twatto's fairy godmother came and put a curse on me?
Betti, are they really going to do anything? We were so sure something would happen post Ashes and it hasn't. I can feel this is going to go on for a couple of years - when we lose this series, they'll have to do something about the selectors. Maybe when England have won the Ashes for 17 years straight, they actually will do something.
Ha ha..I never understood the fixation with batting first either, the Pakistanis would probably credit that Headingley test with sparking their revival.
I suppose we can expect a letter in similar vein from CA when Andrew Hilditch steps down?
Suhas, if Andrew Hilditch EVER steps down I will dedicate a whole week of blog posts to him!
Did Ponting date a bimbo model ever?
*Scratch it - let me rephrase it *
Did a model ever date Ponting?
Then the qualifier "Bimbo" is redundant.
The model bit was more for Pup, to be honest, after all the crap with that idiot he was dating. I can't imagine a model, bimbo or otherwise, would look twice at a tiny little monkey man like Punter.
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