Now, let's begin with drinking. Do lots of it. Drink as much as you possibly can, not bothering to eat if necessary. This applies particularly to international flights, during which you should not only get fucking legless but you should also be as sexist as possible with the air stewardesses. This type of behaviour, of course, should stop as soon as you become captain. And you should make a show of stopping your team from doing it, but you can feel free to not really mean it.
Once you are captain, you need to set a better example. You should get married to a woman who has clearly lowered herself to be with you and you should proceed to produce perfect progeny.
Also, you should be a little less patient with people as captain. For example, if it looks like your team might lose a very imprtant test series or if you haven't bothered to keep up-to-date with changes in rules on fielding substitutes, by all means walk off the pitch loudly shouting "cheat" up to the opposition balcony. Especially if its England.
There is a system in place for those times when you are not happy with the umpire's decision. It's called UDRS - use it. If the decision still doesn't go your way, many people will tell you that you just have to live with it. Well, fuck that! If the decision doesn't go your way, I say abuse the umpire; abuse the opposing captain; abuse the perceived perpetrator and, what the hell? - abuse the media, the crowd and everyone who comes near you for the rest of the day. Unless they have beer.
Finally, if you're looking a bit shit against a minnow and you know the media and every fucktard England fan is out there laughing at you and mocking you the best thing is to throw your crown jewels protective device at a TV. Chuck all your stuff if you can, actually, and hope it breaks something and no one notices. If they do notice, be prepared to plead that it was an accident and you should get off.
In conclusion, as captain you need to be grumpy and scare the pants off your team. And no, Shahid, eating the equipment doesn't count because it can be seen as ball tampering - although it does scare the fuck out of everyone. Seriously, mate, don't do that.
6 thoughts on this post:
Hi there,
We have recently set up Cricket Ireland TV on youtube. See here - www.youtube.com/cricketirelandtv & www.irishcricket.org . The sole aim of the project is just to raise awareness and support for the great sport of cricket here in Ireland & around the cricketing World. There is a nice mix of viral skills videos, player interviews, tour diaries & celebs backing our boys in green.
I am wondering if you may be interested in doing a piece on your blog ahead of Ireland's first game in the world cup on Friday. If you'd like to embed any of the videos onto your site that would be great as well.
If you need any further information or help with emdedding please don't hesistate to contact me.
Kind Regards
Andrew Leonard
Cricket Ireland TV
cricketirelandtv@gmail.com
What kind of groin protector damages a TV?
I think it was the kit bag that did most of the damage, but I have this picture in my head of Punter walking into the change room, sticking his hand in his pants, pulling out his box and chucking it across the room. Only Ponting, eh?
He went immediately to report it and apologise (and offer to pay for damages) but naturally, the foreign media ie. the BBC have made a bigger deal of than it needed to be.
Hold on - what kind of cheap arse TV is damaged by a groin protector?
Sid, I always think that when I see Mrs Punter. It just doesn't really compute. She was a bloody law student when they met for goodness sake.
lou
I didn't know that - so she is much smarter than him, basically? It seems the glitz and the publicity lured her away. Or does she work as a lawyer now?
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