"Yes, sir."
"And so, Paddy, you allege that on the night in question, you were trapped under the floorboards of the house and that this is why your owner, Mr Swann, was speeding in his car to Asda despite being over the blood alcohol limit, is that correct?"
"Yes, sir."
"Can you tell the court, in your own words, how you came to be under the floorboards, please?"
"Well, sir, my mate Max and I were ... uh ... chasing a ball of wool around the living room of the house when I jumped a bit too hard and made a hole in the floor. I fell in the hole and was trapped."
"A ball of wool?"
"Yes, sir."
"A bit stereotypical, isn't it? Do cats really chase balls of wool around?"
"We do, sir."
"Do you? Uh-huh. Paddy, why did you not just climb back out of the hole?"
"I was facing the wrong way, I couldn't scramble backwards. And the hole was too small."
"Too small? But you fell in through it, how could it be too small?"
"Well, it seemed tight. But I was facing the wrong way anyway."
"So you were not facing the hole?"
"No."
"If you were not facing the hole, Mr Cat, how could it - and I quote - seem tight?"
Paddy looks at his paws, lost for words.
"The truth, Paddy, is that you were not under the floorboards at all, were you? Your owner was not racing to the supermarket to get a screwdriver, was he?"
Paddy continues to look at his paws.
"May I remind you you are under oath, Mr Cat. Please answer the question - your owner was not racing to the supermarket to get a screwdriver to get you out from under the floorboards, was he? Because you were not under the floorboards at all, were you?"
"No, sir."
A collective gasp rises from the courtroom.
"Why was he speeding around in his porsche after having consumed alcohol, Paddy?"
"Because he's a prat, sir."
"Because he's a prat. You heard it from the, er, cat's mouth. Mr Swann was not trying to rescue his pet at all, he was simply being a prat.
I rest my case. Paddy, you can step down."
Despite Paddy's testimony, Mr Swann was let off on the charge of drunk driving due to a legal loophole involving his blood alcohol tests.
This is poor Paddy. Disowned for betraying his owner in a court of law. If you think you can give him a new home, please contact Nottingham RSPCA.
9 thoughts on this post:
Swanny iz innocent. Justice 4 the Nottingham one!
I tried to make that a sort of ironic post, but then realised my profile picture is of me wearing a shirt with Graeme Swann's face on. Oops.
You know what, Will, I'm sure he is innocent. I just think his reason for drunk driving is hilarious and couldn't resist this.
Nice t-shirt, btw.
What I don't get, is the fact that he 'went to Asda to get screwdrivers to free the cat'.
He was then arrested, and presumably in the nick til early morning.
So what happened to the freaking Cat!?
Is it still there?
lol, that's funny. :P
You'd make a great Judge Judy, haha.
hilarious post!
but, I share Craig's concern...what happened to the cat???
I told you, the cat is at the Nottingham RSPCA!
The bit I don't get is that he was up for drink driving, NOT speeding but his excuse was that he was speeding to the shop to get a crewdriver to free the cat.
And do we really believe that Swanny doesn't own screwdrivers? Who doesn't own a screwdriver? And would a screwdriver be enough to get a floorboard up? WOuldn't you need something bigger?
Very dodgy, you honour. Very dodgy.
Obviously he was drunk driving if he thought he could get a cat from under the floorboards with a screwdriver.
Or maybe he was going to unscrew the cat once he'd torn up the floor.
lou
You covering this interminable World Cup in your own unique way, sid?
I shall be doing my best, Lou. Naturally, I'll be covering only Australia until they go out (quarters?) then I'll just see what happens. I'm watching India maul Bangladesh at the moment. It's painful, but I can't take my eyes off it. It's like a spider struggling in a toilet bowl - you should just flush and let it go, but you can't help yourself watching.
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