Dear the Editor of the Press Trust of India,
Really? The ICC are investigating Twats and me because we were a bit slow against Zimbabwe, are they? Oh, please. They aren't investigating us, we were just a bit shit that day. Well, Twats was anyway. Punter had told me to get my stuff together, so I was being extra careful, and Twats was ... well, yeah, he was just being rubbish. But he does that.
Trust me, he is not smart enough to even spell match fixing let alone actually do it. I'm not the brightest light in the tree myself, if I'm honest.
And what the hell did we fix anyway - our own win? In case you hadn't noticed, teams have a tendency to lose matches deliberately, not win them. Whoever tried to set it up did a fucked up job then, didn't they? They didn't even bother to get our bowlers on board. Clever.
Right, listen up, foreign media - we know you all want us to do badly in the world cup, but fuck off. We won the match against Zimbabwe, we won it by a mile and we're gonna keep doing it just to piss you all off even more.
If I was smarter I'd say something clever here
P.S. while you're making suggestions to the ICC, please report the possibility that India nearly lost to England the other day - that might have been deliberate, it was only England after all and they had nearly lost to the Dutch. Sounds like match-fixing to me, sunshine.
P.P.S. can you ask the ICC if Ricky can have his box back, please?