Video evidence that Brett Lee can fly.

It's just a pity he can't walk a lot of the time.

My Letter to Shane

Saturday 29th January, 2011

Dear Shane,
.
We have a little problem, you and I. You see, I want to keep being mean to you but when I do nobody comments on my blog posts. This, I assume, is because you got all good with the ball as well as the bat. Bastard. And this single handedly saving our arse business - that's not really working for me. It's not that I don't want us to win, but it would be nice if others could contribute. This way, I can make fun of you and people won't think I'm being an ungrateful bitch.

Can you sort that for me? Please? In particular, if you manage getting Pup to bat better, I promise not to boo so loudly when he walks out to the middle. And that Hastings guy - I'm still not sure who he is but feed him some spinach or something, would you?

If you must get wickets, Shane, please can you jump like Brett when you do? Because that would be cool.

From Sid
x

P.S. Yes, yes - I'll send that pop-up book, but you have to promise to share it with Stevie. Ok?

What if, what if, what if?

What if Twatto had batted just a little bit longer?

What if Haddin had, too?

What if Collingwood was less ginger?

What if Stevie Smith had got a half century?

What if Dussey was an even better more flukey bowler?

What if Trott had eaten the dodgy prawn curry I gave him last night?

What if Shaun Marsh wasn't just a flash in the pan?

What if My Lord didn't have a dicky shoulder?

What if Dougie had more hair?

What if I had married a Canadian, didn't bite my fingernails? had better penmanship?

Ah well, 299 was a mighty score to chase down and we gave it a bloody good try. At least we didn't have a major batting collapse (you know, like we did throughout the Ashes). And at least we're still 2 up.

Or so I will tell myself for the next couple of days, anyway.

More Hussey than England can Handle.

Right, Hads, pick me up and throw me ... you fuckin' beauty!

Jeez, Shane, take a valium or something, buddy. Your hair is scaring me.

Later, Shaney, you and me will do some snuggling.

 

Now, if I remember what Ritz taught me, this is a ball. Yeah, it is! It's a ball. Sweet.

 

No idea who you are, mate, but you're white and wearing green, so let's play that hand clappy game from primary school. Lalalala.

But, it's the wrong Hussey. What's going on? I don't get it ... I'm hurt and confused.

 

Somehow, this is all Twatto's fault. I think we should play the pizza joke on him again.

All right! The pizzas are here! Did you get garlic bread? And coke?

Hey, that's not right. I asked for the one with extra olives. Dussey's full of shit - he wanted anchovies. Pup!

I wanted extra olives as well. Nobody listens to me, just because I'm the new boy. Pup, have words would you?

 

Fuckin' sweet, Twatto fell for it! Of course you've got olives, you stupid bastard. You fall for it every time.

Yes, I've got chilli chicken on mine, Johnno! Oooh, and we won. Eat that, Mike!

That other West Aussie ...

His name isn't Hussey,
we don't hear about him much;
but when he plays for WA
He impresses just a touch.

He's hoping to go to India
and help defend the cup;
I hope he gets a chance
He's certainly much better than Pup.

So he came into our one day side
just when we were feeling low;
And showed the selectors what he's worth
while the Twatto love took a blow.

We adore our Mussey
particularly when he's fit;
We especially adore him
when he's stopping Australia from being shit.

But with the world cup beckoning
and the hamstring pulling,
We might need someone else
Since selectors don't plan on culling.

Mr Marsh, Mr Marsh
will you please be our man?
Unless, of course, King Mussey's back
because then you'll get the can.

A Postcard from Usman

Dear Mum,

Arrived safely in Derby. There's nothing here. It's a one-starbucks-town, which sucks, and I hear it rains a lot. Now I know why Simon Katich left the DCCC after one season. I just hope Middlesex notice me and I can go play at Lord's with Chris Rogers, too.

Love Usmy

xxx

P.S. I hear the Central library used to be great but now the Aussie girl there has been made redundant it has gone downhill. I might give it a miss.

The Shane Watson XI for the World Cup

OK, there's more than eleven but that sounded right. Here's the team to take on the world.

And lose:

• Shane "stand back boys, I can win this fucker on my own" Watson
• Brad "Why the hell is T-Paine coming? Oh right, because I might abuse the locals. Fair enough" Haddin (wk)
• Ricky "my little finger still hurts but Pup is movin' on in" Ponting (capt)
• Michael "I gave up my T20 captaincy to take on this lot, what do I have to do to become captain already?" Clarke
• Michael "I hope I can walk by then" Hussey
• David "I hope I haven't forgotten how to spin" Hussey
• Cameron "can bat, can bowl, can fucking captain your T20 butts off - what? This is a one day side? Oh dear." White
• Tim "can't believe my spindly little upper body pulled off a 6 at the MCG. I rock!" Paine (wk)
• Steven "I could use getting my shit together with the ball. Things are bad when X is making me look good" Smith
• John "I'm kicking arse for the Bloody Vics, so give me a chance" Hastings
• Mitchell "which do I like better? no-balls or wides? I don't know so I'll bowl them both. A lot." Johnson
• Nathan "about fucking time you traitorous bastards - I bled for you!" Hauritz
• Brett "holder of the St John Ambulance award for the most sports injuries ever" Lee
• Shaun "stand back, Binga, I'm coming for that award" Tait
• Doug "I could be overrated; I could be bald - you'll just have to wait and see" Bollinger

They just couldn't bring themselves to pick a side without a newby in it, or almost newby in this case, or without Mussey in it. I'd like to have seen Harris in the side and James Hopes, but sometimes you just have to go with the most injured side you can pull together don't you?

The most heartwarming thing is that Hilbitch thinks it is the best team and that's all we need to inspire confidence.

Shane Watson's Fairy Godmother

Somewhere in Adelaide, on Tuesday night, a big blonde headed monkey sleeps in his Don Bradman pyjamas ... and then a light appears ...

... he wakes ... a lady with wings and a wand is standing over him ...

"Shane, Shane ... this is your fairy godmother speaking. You will wake up tomorrow and you will say to yourself I am sick of Australia being England's bunny. And hence, you will go tomorrow to the T20 match and you will kick some English butt. And you will go to Melbourne and do it again and again and somewhere in there Australia will actually win something ... allrighty?

Oh, and don't let the rest of the team in on the plan, because that would make things too easy."

She turns to fly through the window, then stops and speaks again:

"And you should let some stubble grow. I hear it looks sexy. Cheerio."

And in a puff of smoke, lo she was gone.

Shane cried in fear and Cameron had to bring him some hot chocolate and a teddy bear to calm him down. But at least he did as he was told.

Some information leaked to me by a friend in the Cricket Australia post room

 

Could it be true? Do my eyes deceive me?

I know it's taken me a while to post, but the truth is that between trying to work out who the hell Aaron Finch is and digesting the unlikely piece of information that Australia won something, I'm speechless.

Or typeless ... or something.

It's also difficult stomaching this new admiration of Twatto. Can someone make a joke about him, please? Quickly?

One thing I have decided, though: I like T20. You just never know what's going to happen. The first one was just fantastic. It had me on the edge of my seat. Today, I checked the score and we were something awful like 80-5 so I went to the gym.

Mistake. Big mistake.

So, we won something. I'll need to trade on this for a while, though, because I suspect another win is months away.

T20 #1: Watson v. England

Adelaide, January 12th 2011, 8.30am GMT

In a series of events that has stumped even the most ardent Aussie cricket supporter, Shane Watson showed up to take on Collingwood's England entirely on his own. The rest of the Aussies relaxed in the dugout with misplaced confidence as they watch Watson bat. They then wandered about the field, occasionally stopping to wave collection buckets at the crowds (Mitch needs a tattoo removal), while Watson and his strangely sexy stubble bowled.

The match went down to the wire and unfortunately it was not to be for Watson, as England finally won by only one wicket.

So what went wrong for Watson today? Most likely, England won because they have more than one batsman and more than one bowler. Watson has ... well, Watson.

I spoke to the man himself right after the match tonight and suggested he write to Andrew Hilditch asking that next time they send out more than one player. Sadly, Watson is illiterate so he won't be taking my advice.

Lord Nate Returns (and a couple of other things)

Lord Nate is back - not with the baggy green, though (which I recently bought on ebay, incidentally. It was bargain and he assures me any proceeds will be going charity). And actually, not necessarily at all. He has been picked in the squad to face England in the ODIs, but so have Doherty and Smith so who the hell knows?

Brett Lee has also been picked, which is interesting. I imagine he'll actually get a game. I hope so anyway.

Here is the squad: Shane Watson, Brad Haddin (wk), Michael Clarke (capt), Cameron White, David Hussey, Michael Hussey, Steven Smith, Mitchell Johnson, Nathan Hauritz, Brett Lee, Xavier Doherty, Peter Siddle, Shaun Tait, Doug Bollinger.

In other news, White gets to try his luck as T20 captain against England tomorrow morning (my time) and Hilditch has announced that he won't fuck off unless he is sacked. God help Australian cricket.

And finally, in a great example of complete internet stupidity, a girl from the USA who did nothing more than join Twitter and call herself @theashes, was given free tickets to Australia, an interview on a blog or two and now has a video on Cricinfo. I am not giving a link. There is no justice in the world.

I am also going to stop following her on Twitter.

That'll show her.

An Ode to Ashes Humiliation

They came down under
with confidence brimming;
But on our home ground we felt
their egos we'd soon be trimming.

The start went well
in old Brisbane town;
except Mitch's bowling
caused more than one frown.

Then all turned bad
thanks to eye makeup man;
we had to settle for evens
and Mitchy got the can.

The city of churches
was ours for the taking;
but their batsmen again
left us in our boots quaking.

We forgot to use the bat
we forgot how to bowl;
We laid ourselves right down
so that over us they could roll.

Then to Sid's home town
and the turf of Mr Cricket;
and finally the local Aussies felt
they hadn't wasted their cash on a ticket.

Mitchy returned with a mighty bang
and the Muss was truly a king;
every other batter was pretty damn poor
but this was now a regular thing.

If boxing day test history
was any way to tell;
We should easily take the fourth test
and send the poms back to hell.

But relying on history
is not always the best thing;
occasionally we also need to play
if we want to pull a win.

Sadly, it was not to be,
for my christ but did we fall apart;
twas truly a sorry, sorry sight
and broke many an Aussie fan's heart.

Ponting took a break
after briefly viewing the little urn;
he pretended his finger was sore
so that on Pup the media could turn.

A win at Sydney might just help,
it would even things up at least;
but we batted as bad as usual
and only Mitch was a bowling beast.

And so it was over,
the humiliating defeat was done;
and Strauss joined the few captains
who came to Oz and left with the Ashes won.

So now what do we do?
We've surely hit rock bottom;
If only we could lose old Hilditch,
but those plagues of denial - he's got 'em.

My days go on in this,
the land of little urn theft;
and when it comes to writing
I feel, of inspiration, quite bereft.

So bear with me, people
as I prepare for the shorter over game;
for good god I truly hope
that our batting won't stay the same.

And please, please bring back My Lord.

Is it over, yet?

Can I finally stick my head out of my cocoon?

And as it happens, I don't think My Lord would've made any difference to the result. The batting was still fairly shit. Dammit.

If I have to hear about the fucking sprinkler dance one more time, I'll scream. I'm not quite sure what everyone thinks is so clever about imitating a piece of equipment designed to water grass.

Quoting Peter English (cricinfo): "Despite admitting they were out-bowled, out-batted and out-thought, Cricket Australia's top employees can't bring themselves to say they are in a crisis. Or apportion any blame for a summer filled with disasters. It would be funny if it wasn't so serious". It doesn't sound like those changes we were hoping for are actually going to happen.

Anyway, I was planning on some poetry but I'm feeling a bit creatively dry this morning. I can't think why that might be.

Sledging we can handle, cheating we can do without

Well, it seems that (when Australia win at least) you can't handle sledging either, but selective memory is a gem.

 

I don't have much to say today, really. The highlights showed an Australia that has clearly lost faith. The body language was horrible. The feeling was so bad, it even had Shane Watson swearing. Which was actually a bit funny, because I didn't even know he knew such language. He is probably whipping himself with his pink skipping rope as I write.

 

I was a bit stunned by the crowd boo-ing Ian Bell, but when you compare it to this I think a few boos are justified.

 

 

Sydney, Day 2 as it happened (according to me)

Steve Smith - 18 runs, didn't bowl
Michael Beer - 0 for 26 including one no-ball that might have made a big difference

Just sayin'

Disclaimer: Beer actually did ok, his first over was pretty good, but that doesn't suit me so I'm ignoring it. It's my blog and I can.

Getting it in first ...

... if Hauritz had played, we would've won the last test.

You heard it here first.

The Real Reason Swann is Not on my Gits of 2010 list

I said it was because I've been harsh to him all year and thought he deserved a break; I was thinking that he was one of only three people (myself and Shane Warne being the other two) who were disappointed when Hauritz was dropped but, in truth, it's because of this:

Hauritz snub good for England - Swann

Actually, that's rubbish because I have only just been given this article. It still has me rethinking my dislike of Swann, though.

And now I'm off to bathe in boiling water and bleach.