BREAKING NEWS - The Evidence is Clear ...

... Nathan Hauritz was injured deliberately!! It was a ploy to get him out of the world cup team. But who was responsible? After many hours of studying the following photograph, I have narrowed my suspects down to three - Steve Smith, David Hussey and Cameron White.

Steve Smith

Motive - not wanting to play second fiddle to the guy who wasn't even deemed good enough to play in the Ashes.

Opportunity - yeah, probably.

Verdict - Not guilty, look closely at the photo. He is terrified. He's all "Oh god, please don't make me the lead spinner when I was a bit shit in the Ashes and please, please don't make me play with Krejza!"

Cameron White

Motive - an opportunity to have a go at spin at international level, which would be severely diminished by the presence of Hauritz.

Opportunity - oh, good god yes! And he's a big bastard.

Verdict - Not Guilty. Although in the picture, he's dancing and crowing about injuring Hauritz (check the hand, yo!) this is just wind. Cammie likes to look tough, but knows that he is really not a good enough spinner and wants Hauritz there so he won't get asked to do it. He may have been involved, but was only being used as a scapegoat.

David Hussey

Motive - as for Cameron White and add that he is pure evil since he ditched his West Aussie ways and became a Bloody Vic. A regular Bloody Vic is one thing but a born again Bloody Vic is even worse.

Opportunity - Oh yes, he had opportunity and a cunning plan to boot.

Verdict - GUILTY! Watch him as he casually walks away from the scene of the crime, no doubt whistling nonchalantly, safe in the knowledge that the big dumb blonde won't be able to help taking credit. But White is just not clever enough, oh no - he is merely a puppet on Dave Hussey's evil born again Victorian string.

Case closed.

Trouncing the (other) Auld Enemy ...

My world is all upside down.

This is what happens when Mitchy is good. It sometimes happens when Twatto is good, but I'm sorta getting used to that.

And, sorry about Christchurch and all, but this is the world cup - we need to win. And we need to win as much as we can, because every fan of every other cricketing nation is out there just waiting for us to fail. So we must not fail.

Although the K-Man should feel free to fail.

So, the Kiwis imploded today, yes? They crumbled at Mitchy's feet like a pile of reject Weeties on the factory floor. Let's not take anything away from that old comedy duo, Taiters and Mitchy, but New Zealand's batting effort was pretty poor. Vettor and McCullum gave it a try, stepping in when their team mates had managed only 73-6, but it would not be enough. 206 was not a total that set us trembling in our boots.

And then Twatto and Haddo, that other duo we love to hate, stepped up and their 133 run partnership took us a fair way toward home. They both impressed with their half centuries, followed by Ponting's disappointing 12 and then White and Pup were able to wrap things up with very little issue.

As you can imagine, Crapinfo have gone mad with some old favourites: "crushing defeat" "disastrous" "shambolic effort" - you don't me to repeat it. Suffice it to say: we kicked arse and it was all Mitchy again!

If this keeps up, I might have to start liking him. Please tell me there's an injection for that.

And yet another negative effect of Ponting's bad temper is identified...

Brett Lee: Aah, Jesus, Rick - not the TV! How is Twatto supposed to watch Dora the Explorer? Dammit! Now he's gonna to want to talk to us instead.

 

The Cricket Captains' Behaviour Management Seminar with Ricky Ponting

Welcome everyone to today's seminar on behaviour management in cricket. With over 15 years experience in international cricket, and with my being a complete bastard and all, I am obviously perfectly qualified to take this seminar.

Now, let's begin with drinking. Do lots of it. Drink as much as you possibly can, not bothering to eat if necessary. This applies particularly to international flights, during which you should not only get fucking legless but you should also be as sexist as possible with the air stewardesses. This type of behaviour, of course, should stop as soon as you become captain. And you should make a show of stopping your team from doing it, but you can feel free to not really mean it.

Once you are captain, you need to set a better example. You should get married to a woman who has clearly lowered herself to be with you and you should proceed to produce perfect progeny.

Also, you should be a little less patient with people as captain. For example, if it looks like your team might lose a very imprtant test series or if you haven't bothered to keep up-to-date with changes in rules on fielding substitutes, by all means walk off the pitch loudly shouting "cheat" up to the opposition balcony. Especially if its England.

There is a system in place for those times when you are not happy with the umpire's decision. It's called UDRS - use it. If the decision still doesn't go your way, many people will tell you that you just have to live with it. Well, fuck that! If the decision doesn't go your way, I say abuse the umpire; abuse the opposing captain; abuse the perceived perpetrator and, what the hell? - abuse the media, the crowd and everyone who comes near you for the rest of the day. Unless they have beer.

Finally, if you're looking a bit shit against a minnow and you know the media and every fucktard England fan is out there laughing at you and mocking you the best thing is to throw your crown jewels protective device at a TV. Chuck all your stuff if you can, actually, and hope it breaks something and no one notices. If they do notice, be prepared to plead that it was an accident and you should get off.

In conclusion, as captain you need to be grumpy and scare the pants off your team. And no, Shahid, eating the equipment doesn't count because it can be seen as ball tampering - although it does scare the fuck out of everyone. Seriously, mate, don't do that.

This is my opinion that no one gives a shit about

Or so I was told on twitter this morning. Also, it seems this person won't read my blog because it's funny.

I'm gutted.

So, it was a tough start, was it not? Or maybe careful is a better word. The Zimbabwe bowling and fielding was pretty good and it took Twatto and Haddo a while to get moving. I was actually relieved when Haddo got out because I thought Ponting would get that miserable over rate climbing.

He did ok. Actually, they all did ok. But, you know, only ok.

Except Pup. Of course, since I've taken the piss out of him a post ago, Pup did good. I'm not complaining.

Frustrating as it was, it was not to worry. I was more concerned about the general arseholic-ness (yes, that is a word) of people on the internet talking as though Australia were going to lose after just 8 overs. Someone sent me a message mid-way through our batting that said "I think Australia are going to let this slip away". Huh? Based on what? A handful of slow overs? Fuck off.

We managed a fairly convincing 262 in the end. It should have been higher, but thanks to the bowling it was enough. Tait and Lee started it and Mitchy cleaned them right up.

Please, I beg you - don't make me say good things about the K-man just yet.

Fear and Loathing in the Aussie Camp (or Pup Continues to Disappoint)

 OK, Pup - these are bats. You hit the ball with them. Do you think you could go out there and give it a try for a fucking change?

No, hit the ball, Pup, hit the fucking ball. Can we get Twatto to bowl to him for a bit? Should make Pup at least think he's doing good.

What the hell are we going to do with him? When did he become so useless? Even Twatto's bowling is worrying him.

 

I'm not gonna look. Maybe he's uncomfortable with me watching? I am a legend, after all.

Trying not to look at Pup being rubbish. Twatto's bowling ain't much to write home about either, but I'm used to that.

 

 Aah, Jesus Christ. You let Twatto bowl you? What the hell? We won't even beat Zimbabwe at this rate. For fuck's sakes - can I have Shaun Marsh instead, please?

EXCLUSIVE: The Testimony of Paddy the Cat

"Order! Order! The prosecution calls to the stand Paddy the cat. And so, Mr Cat - may I call you, Paddy?"

"Yes, sir."

"And so, Paddy, you allege that on the night in question, you were trapped under the floorboards of the house and that this is why your owner, Mr Swann, was speeding in his car to Asda despite being over the blood alcohol limit, is that correct?"

"Yes, sir."

"Can you tell the court, in your own words, how you came to be under the floorboards, please?"

"Well, sir, my mate Max and I were ... uh ... chasing a ball of wool around the living room of the house when I jumped a bit too hard and made a hole in the floor. I fell in the hole and was trapped."

"A ball of wool?"

"Yes, sir."

"A bit stereotypical, isn't it? Do cats really chase balls of wool around?"

"We do, sir."

"Do you? Uh-huh. Paddy, why did you not just climb back out of the hole?"

"I was facing the wrong way, I couldn't scramble backwards. And the hole was too small."

"Too small? But you fell in through it, how could it be too small?"

"Well, it seemed tight. But I was facing the wrong way anyway."

"So you were not facing the hole?"

"No."

"If you were not facing the hole, Mr Cat, how could it - and I quote - seem tight?"

Paddy looks at his paws, lost for words.

"The truth, Paddy, is that you were not under the floorboards at all, were you? Your owner was not racing to the supermarket to get a screwdriver, was he?"

Paddy continues to look at his paws.

"May I remind you you are under oath, Mr Cat. Please answer the question - your owner was not racing to the supermarket to get a screwdriver to get you out from under the floorboards, was he? Because you were not under the floorboards at all, were you?"

"No, sir."

A collective gasp rises from the courtroom.

"Why was he speeding around in his porsche after having consumed alcohol, Paddy?"

"Because he's a prat, sir."

"Because he's a prat. You heard it from the, er, cat's mouth. Mr Swann was not trying to rescue his pet at all, he was simply being a prat.

I rest my case. Paddy, you can step down."

Despite Paddy's testimony, Mr Swann was let off on the charge of drunk driving due to a legal loophole involving his blood alcohol tests.

This is poor Paddy. Disowned for betraying his owner in a court of law. If you think you can give him a new home, please contact Nottingham RSPCA.

The Yellow Peoples' World Cup thus far ...

It's not going well, is it?

 That's exactly how I feel, Rick. Exactly.

At least we didn't collapse this time - we were consistently rubbish. And to only take one wicket ... that's a special kind of rubbish, isn't it?

Oh dear.

The Collapso-matic Yellow People

I can cope with losing a warm-up match, even if it is to India and even if it is a match we should have walked home. I can cope with Dougie over-moussing his fake hair (although I will giggle at it). I can even cope with the K-man taking a wicket. Just.

What I can't cope with is this:

Who is responsible for choosing this retina burning ensemble and how much do I need to pay to have him knocked off?

Were they worried that, with the collapsability like we showed against India today, we might flit in and out of the world cup so quick everyone will miss us?

And shouldn't the pants at least match the top?

This is just embarrassing.

Fail. Big, big fail.

OK, so it's World Cup time!

For a while there, the team seemed to change daily. But they've finally stopped dropping like flies and will be preparing for their first warm up match against India tomorrow.

Cricket Australia finally gave up all hope of Mussey and The Lord and told them not to bother packing their suitcases. Mussey wasted no time telling the world he thought it was bogus. And he might be right - there's a chance he'll be fit if we make it to the latter stages, but a decision had to be made and it's nice the selectors grew some balls and finally gave Ferg a chance.

Let's just hope he can live up to expectation now.

Lord Nathan is now officially the unluckiest bastard in world cricket and you should all send him a Valentine's message to make him feel better. Email him at fuckfuckfuck@ihatekman.com.au and feel free to abuse the K Man in it. He really likes that.

And aren't we the unluckiest bastards in world cricket fandom, because we have the K Man? I'm gonna cheer Little Stevie so hard my as yet unthought of grandchildren's throats will hurt.

Anyway, this is the bit I love - where fans and writers from all other competing nations rub their hands together and say "Australia isn't that good anymore" yada yada yada. It's true, but you know what? I still think we're the team to beat. And you can read all about it here #shamelessplug where Justin and I arrogantly throw our thoughts about.

Because that's what we do.

So, Ponting is back and let's hope he can get back to his old self and kick some ODI arse. Tait and Lee are looking fine. The world is looking at Lee to see if he makes good and Johnson, afraid of being left out, has gone public and repeated something Shaun Tait said about a month ago. Well done, Mitchy, you stupid bastard. Just bowl and shut up, ok? Even Cammie looks suspicious:

or is that just his usual face? I can never tell.

And so, first up we have Zimbabwe on the 21st. For everything else, go here. I'm putting a link in the sidebar soon.

disclaimer: you realise, of course, that my saying we are the team to beat has just jinxed us into semi-final shittage? Sorry. 

I think it might be time the ECB put me on the bloody payroll.

Cricketers reveal what they like to read

As part of the lead up to the world cup, and because of their new partnership with Room to Read, cricinfo have done a little piece about some cricketers favourite books. It was nice and as a library type person, I was naturally interested. It was also a little surprising - not that Luke Wright favours children's books (very simple children's books at that) or that Ed Joyce reads Orwell (who doesn't?); what was surprising was that Shane Watson can read.

At least he claims to. I suspect Andre Agassi's book is available on audio. He also claims to have "read many books". That explains the popularity of Little Golden Books in Australia.

Clearly, though, Cricinfo are limited on space because they only included the favourites of some of the cricketers they spoke to. Fear not, however, for I have the rest.

That was predictable, wasn't it?

Here they are, the things cricketers like to read:

Andrew Strauss - any of Steve Waugh's Ashes Diaries

Graeme Swann - The Cat Bible: everything your cat expects you know (including how to prevent him hiding under floorboards)

Graeme Smith - Spot's Big Lift the Flap book

Ricky Ponting - How to Lose Gracefully or Anger Management for Dummies

Mike Hussey - Cricket for Dummies

Muttiah Muralitharan - Shane Warne: Portrait of a Flawed Genius

Dwayne Bravo - Pretend Aeroplanes and other Children's Show-off Games

Mohammad Amir - A Guide to Where to Place your Feet When Bowling

Kevin Pietersen - How to Speak with an English Accent

And last:

Xavier Doherty - anything Nathan Hauritz doodles on a napkin

The 2nd Annual Alternative Alan Border Medal Awards

 The "My mum combed my hair" award.

The "Yes, my smile is fake. I'm with the guy whose mum combed his hair" award

 The joint winners of the "Who couldn't get a date?" award.

The "My aunt took pity on me and agreed to come with me" award.

The "it doesn't matter how ugly you are, if you're a professional sportsman you'll get hot girls" award.

 The "Who the hell is my date, anyway?" award.

 The "My gal's got bigger breasts than yours" award.

The "Mine are a bit smaller, so I'm going to show lots of skin instead" award.

The "What the hell is the real colour of my hair (and skin), anyway?" award.

 The "Check out my meringue" award.

 

The "Oh my god, I'm breeding Husseys" award.

The "My husband dyes his hair, it's blacker than my dress" award.

The "Dress tape saved my life" award.

The "There's no way I can get an award without it sounding bitchy" award.

Quite postmodern, that last one - wasn't it?

Thoughts and Opinions, please ...

So, yesterday on facebook I was brought into a discussion about the final ODI today at the WACA. I was actually emailed and asked to comment. My comment seemed to cause an argument.

Basically, the problem was that certain players were being rested for this ODI. People in Perth were unhappy because they had bought tickets but would not be seeing Brett Lee, Shane Watson or Michael Clarke. They felt they were being shortchanged.

My comment was this:

We've already won this series. This match is not as important as the world cup, which is weeks away. Clarke and Watson have been playing almost non-stop since October, let them have a rest.

I didn't comment on Brett Lee because I was under the impression he would be playing. If I had commented on him, it would have been along the lines of "he has a tendency to get injured; let's keep him in one piece for the world cup".

Some poor sod agreed with me and took some crap and some swearing from the Perth contingent. I dipped out, incidentally. I couldn't be bothered. Thank you Matt Barton. 

Bearing in mind that hindsight is a wonderful thing, here are my extended thoughts on the matter:

1. See above on Pup and Twatto
2. See above on Brett Lee
3. England had no idea how to play on the oddball WACA pitch during the Ashes, there was every chance they hadn't done their homework yet again and we wouldn't need Watson
4. It's possible that Clarke has no idea how to play on the oddball WACA pitch, why allow it to crush his new found confidence right before the world cup? And finally ...
5. It's the 7th match of a 7 match series; there was every chance from the first that it was going to be a dead rubber - if you didn't know that when you bought your tickets, you're a fucking idiot.

Temptation to write that last point was very strong, as I'm sure you can imagine, but I refrained and let poor Matty Barton take my shit for me. It really was one of those stupid, facebook arguments that wastes everyone's time.

I blame Shane Watson.

Naturally.

Cricket Australia's Letter to Shane

Dear Shane,

It has come to our attention that many of the Australian fans think you should be our next test captain. Ponting is getting on, you know, so we need to consider our future options. You are probably aware, however, that our eye has been on Pup for the position in question for quite some time, but we would be willing to reconsider if you fit the bill.

No, really - it doesn't matter if we get it completely wrong, we're fucking untouchable.

Here are our general requirements for test captain:

• You must date a bimbo model. More than one during your playing career would be best, to be honest, and you should let your personal life take over as often as possible.
• You must do your best to be arsey with umpires and opponents at all times. Don't be afraid to call people cheats when the team is losing. And take all credit for a win, even if you make completely the wrong call at the toss.
• You must be willing to always bat first if you win the toss. We don't know why, we just like the idea.
• You must have no idea what to do with spinners. This is an absolute must for a test captain.
• We like our captains to chew gum loudly and with as little grace as possible while in the field and a willingness to develop grumpy yet humorous facial expressions is preferred.
• Finally, are you likely to lose all ability to bat and/or bowl when you become captain because of the pressures and because you're just not very smart? If so, this may be the job for you.

If you think you are suited to the post, please send us an 8x10 portrait of you with your shirt off (that's for Merv. He just likes it.) and a hand drawn picture of you holding the Ashes (this won't make a difference, we've just forgotten what an Aussie looks like while holding the Ashes).

And feel free to send gifts.

Love Andrew Hilditch and the selection panel
xxx

Cricket Australia - because we can!

Sledging we can handle, cheating we can do without #2

Remember this?

I wonder if the "c" word will come out over this:



Of course, there was probably desperation at play. We were starting to look damn good in a run chase for an enormous total and even I had a little mock when Johnson came out before Pup. But it's no excuse, desperate or not, Matty - what the hell were you thinking?

Sledging Kevin Pietersen

So I was having a browse through some pictures of the 5th ODI, as you do when your team finally bloody wins something, and I came across this picture:

The caption below said this:

An Australian fan verbally abuses Kevin Pietersen of England during game four of the Commonwealth Bank One Day International Series between Australia and England at The Gabba on January 30, 2011 in Brisbane, Australia.

Now, as it happens, I was sitting next to this young man (at game 5 it was, I believe) and heard everything that was said. I feel the need to defend him. What he actually said was this:

Hey, Kevo - I think you're sweet like a big, brown teddy bear. I also admire you a great deal because you can play cricket better than me. I bet your middle finger is also longer than mine. Can we go for muffins and check?

See, absolutely nothing abusive there at all. I really hate it when the media behaves like a bunch of arseholes about stuff like this.