Brett Lee - you are my Yoda or "please, please don't ever make another video blog!"

Now that we're out of the world cup and I've stopped sulking, I don't have much cricket to write about so I need to start making fun of people. And I'm sorry to the man with the butt at the top, but his video blog can no longer be ignored.

Did anyone catch these things? You could be forgiven for having tried and failed. They were snoozers. I love Mr Lee as much as the next person, but let's hope he never gets a job as a commentator. If the world has to sit through a test with him and Nasser Hussain warbling on in the background, the future of cricket may be in jeopardy.

Here's a run down of what you ... ahem ... "missed", with a link to each video:

Blog #1 – I learnt the following:

That Lee has very little on screen charisma. And that the people of India are “different types of things all put together”.

Thanks Brett. International relations may be a career move you've unjustly overlooked.

Blog #2 – Oh, the pain!

Every time Lee is on tour, he does a video about his music. I don't mind so much, but in this case he is sitting in a restaurant with his guitar and a big pile of turd. The pile of turd also has a guitar and – Nate help us – he sings. And not just any song, but possibly the most awful ballad by the most tedious artist ever. When he does us a Billy Bragg cover, I'll be impressed.

The main thing I learned from this video is that sometimes Lee and the turd let Shane Watson shake his tambourine when they play. Charity is thy name.

Blog #3 – the honours board

This blog has the honour of containing my favourite quote so far from the Lee compendium. It even beats the one about the Indian people in blog #1. Lee says, and I quote: “we've done the hard work to reach the quarter finals, but now the hard work really starts”.

Excellent insight there.

And what did I learn from this one? That Brett Lee should stick to chucking balls at people. Preferably Andrew Strauss, but I'm not too fussed.

Notice they never got him to make a fourth video blog. If you think that's only because we were knocked out of the cup, you obviously haven't watched the videos. I envy you.

Ricky Ponting - his career in blogs

Love him or hate him, the man has probably had more written about him by us amateurs than anyone else. OK, that's probably not true, but he does get written about a lot.

And now he's gone. Many will rejoice, because he was a fantastic cricketer - in Australia, second only to the great Don Bradman himself - and one of cricket's most successful captains (although they'll say it's only because they thought he was a horrible person and they "respect him as a cricketer". OK.); others, myself and Ian included, will be a bit sad. Others will be angry that he seems to have had so little support of late and concerned that this will be used as a band aid by Cricket Australia while other, deeper problems are left to fester.

Well, we'll just have to wait and see on that last bit. For now let's celebrate the last year or two of Ricky Ponting's career according to the blog world:

Back in 2008, Ian celebrates Ponting finally finding some form - sadly, something that will be a problem for the next couple of years.

About a year later, everyone's second favourite Kiwi (well, he should be), Martyd posted this one: A Lunchtime Introduction. Actually, Martyd has done some great Ponting stuff and it was a tough choice, but this is definitely one of my favourites.

As ever, Jrod and The Skiver have a lot to say about ... well, everything ... and I could've spent a day choosing a post about Ponting. But I didn't, I went for this one from December 2009: URGENT NEWS!

And from the same month, Sarah Ansell shows us another of her lovely photos, this one with the man himself.

And she may be a bloody Saffa, but in February 2010 the lovely Antionette (aka mspr1nt) coudn't help lamenting South Africa's inability to produce a Ricky Ponting. I shall remind her of this forever more.

Sometime in August 2010, Wes exhibited that feeling toward Ponting that all Aussie supporters have had from time to time - please, please stop saying shit to the media!

In November 2010, in a post that is painful in hindsight, Masuud warns us all not to count out the influence of Australia under Ponting.

In December 2010, Our Soulberry at the CWJ joins the discussion on whether or not Ponting should remain captain of Australia; Golandaaz, the man of opinions, claims no one likes Ponting and wonders what he would be like if he were Indian.

And in the same month, in probably the best attempt to parody the famous "Ashes of English Cricket" piece from the 1880s (there have been a few lately), Sunny posts this one: RIP Aussie Cricket

And as we come into 2011 and the World Cup and yet more discussions on whether or not Ponting should remain our captain, the following appear. Go take a look, they're worth it:

The Baggy Green Blog: Ricky Ponting: still a champ, always a champ
Cricket=Action=Art: Walk on
Cricket with Balls: Ricky, take a bow
And reflecting the attitude of many cricket fans whose team has been intimidated by Ponting over the years, Poshin's World with Taking the mickey out of Ricky

The man divides opinion, there's no doubt about it. You know what? I bet he loves it.

Ricky Ponting resigns and the BBC manages to piss me off (again)

And so the deed, the deed that has been talked about and debated for some time, is done - Ricky Ponting has stepped down as Australia's test and ODI captain. Sad as it is, I guess it has been coming for a while but I have to worry that the idiots that run Cricket Australia will see this as the answer to all problems and won't bother to look any deeper. Like a lot of other Australian fans, I also worry that we don't yet have a replacement that comes anywhere near Ponting.

But 'tis done.

And now onto the sham process of shortlisting potential new captains, pretending to review their records and listen to various cricket-y people around Australia as to who should be given the job - then giving it to Michael Clarke.

And my old foe, the BBC breakfast reporter Nicky Clarke, reported the story this morning finishing it by only saying "that's Ricky Ponting, who has lost three Ashes series as captain. And now ... "

And his partner, Rachel Burden, interrupts him "I would like to point out that the report we have does say Ricky Ponting who lost three Ashes series but then goes on to list all the things he won."

Clarke: "Uh, yes it does ..."
Burden: "Good. Go on ..."

hehehehe ... I think I could become a fan of Rachel Burden.

The Story of Ricky Ponting or: Justin Langer, we love you.

I know it's not in my normal vein, but I'm still struggling to regain my sense of humour (although Brett Lee is due to get some piss taken in the next few days) after exiting the World Cup. I'm not going to write more about Ricky Ponting and whether or not he should go. You all know I don't want him to, if only because it will cut my photo posts in half when his face isn't there to make jokes about.

No, not really. I really don't want him to go, although maybe it's time. I don't know. There are plenty of blogs discussing the issue and if you want a quick run down of some of them, go and visit Wes. Please note, however, that due to a comment she got from an Indian supporter that went a little like this: "Fuck you and the kangaroo you rode in on mister" she is moderating comments for a little while, so be patient if your comment doesn't appear right away. Add to this, also, Govind's honest and fair piece about the man and why he doesn't like him.

I just want to say that I love Justin Langer. While much of the rest of the world, including many Australians, are calling for Ponting's head Our Justin has written this: The Story of Ricky Ponting.

Nice one, mate. And thanks to Jen for pointing it out to me.

Platitudes and Homicide: the aftermath of Australia's exit from the World Cup

It's only a game
It isn't that important
It's only one day cricket anyway
Cricket isn't a real sport
Don't lose sleep over it, it was always on the cards
You can't win 'em all
They'll bounce back

And all that.

If any of you bastards out there so much as think about saying any of the above, my homicidal tendencies will appear. Consider yourselves warned.

Now I'm off to watch Neighbours and cry into my vegemite toast.

What the hell is going on with Ricky Ponting?

This morning, I woke to news on BBC radio that Ponting will be retiring from international cricket when Austalia's world cup campaign ends. So I got online to find a news article or two about it and I could find only one, but I found a lot in which he denies there has been such retirement plans.

So, I sat down and wrote a piece in the form of a letter from Ponting to all of us, essentially saying "I'll go when I'm ready you fickle little ingrates". I didn't post it.

Then it came to me that it had been reported somewhere in Australia that CA want him to go after this campaign, whether he steps down or is fired, but that this should not have been made public. If this is true, it explains Ponting's sudden need to tone it all down by saying it isn't true. But if it isn't true, that also works.

As does that fact that CA are suddenly very vocal about backing Ponting, for example here and here. In the first of those two pieces, from the Indian express, CA says that the report only appeared in a British paper. And that makes sense - I saw it in the Daily Mail and heard it on the BBC radio, but it was nowhere else and when the radio news came round a second time over my morning coffee the story had disappeared.

So, basically, we're back where we have been for about a year now - Ponting might stay, he might not; Ponting might get sacked and many of the fickle fans, in the wake of the defeat to Pakistan, want that to happen. Today. When Pup screws up tomorrow and Ponting gets a century, they'll change their minds.

As Ponting himself said: ""It looks like every few weeks now I'm having to answer that question" and every few weeks we have to hear about it. Can we just play cricket, please?

And win.

Pretty, pretty please?

I'm willing to offer sexual favours.

On behalf of all Aussie fans out there - A long list I put together for Andrew Hilditch

The day before the match against Pakistan, an article appeared on Crapinfo that detailed Andrew Hildtitch's thoughts on some of our world cup squad. The article was titled Hilditch wants more Impact from Tait but also talks about his comments on other players, like the two spinners and Brett Lee. Basically, it puts you mind of a complete git sitting in his fancy office in Sydney without a fucking clue about the reality of cricket and our current side.

So I decided to put together a list, of behalf of all Australian supporters, of all the things we would like from Andrew Hilditch. I haven't yet sent the letter, because I wanted to run it by you all first. So, please, tell me what you think.

Now, I have thought about this is in a variety of ways and this is what I came up with in the end:

Dear Mr Hilditch,

As you see fit to constantly throw your weight and opinions about over our cricket team, we - the Australian cricket fans - feel we have the right to demand a few things from you. In this vein, I have put together a list of the things we would like from you, as our Chairman of Selectors. I apologise that the list is so long, but we feel quite strongly about this.

The List

1. We would like you to step down as Chariman of Selectors

Thank you

Sincerely,

All the Australian fans (and probably the Australian team as well, to be fair) (almost definitely Nathan Hauritz) (and probably Nathan Bracken, too).

Collapsomatitis (noun): it's fairly bloody self-explanatory, isn't it?

If not, for definition see Australia's innings against Pakistan. Here's a link to the scorecard.

By all means, mock at will.

So, we've set them 177 to win. It's not a great total to have to defend but it's not completely impossible, right? The game plan is this - we send Brett Lee out there and hope like hell he can do it on his own, because no one else is showing up.

Obviously.

Questions? Comments?

I hope not, because I'm sulking.

A Sonnet about Rustiness and Hiral Patel

Ponting excelled again and lost us the toss

and Canada chose to bat first;

We'd gone quite a few without a loss

but one here would be embarrassing at worst.

So we started to bowl but something was wrong,

that darned Hiral Patel was looking a little too strong.

Lee got his partner in over number four,

but to get the second wicket we had to wait eight overs more!

When Patel finally got out, it was something of a relief.

Trusty Twatto once again led the charge

and in the end our win was pretty damn large,

but don't be fooled - that Patel sure gave us some grief.

The boys are looking rusty, they could use a decent hit

for when we get to the semis, we might just struggle a wee bit.

OK, I'm just gonna lie here for a bit while you bastards do some of the work for a change.

URGENT HELP NEEDED: Have you seen this man?

Do you have any information on the whereabouts of this man?

He was last seen at Adelaide Oval sometime in January and is sorely missed by his team mates.

If you know where he is or have any information about him, please contact Ricky Ponting at bloodyvicneedstoshapeup@veryquickly.com.au

Mussey, Matherton, Collins Obuya and Wet Dreams

You'd be hard pressed to dislike Jimmy Kamande, wouldn't you? Despite Matherton continually referring to him as Ngoche (I guess they all look the same to you, Mikey), he has that cuddlesome quality you really want in a cricket captain. I nearly did a boogie alongside him when he found the turn that removed Cam White.

Because then it was time ...

There was the echoing thump of every Australian simultaneously getting to their feet, for the prodigal son - our anchor, our hero, our hamstring challenged pensioner - had returned. And it was a good run out. He and Pup built the solid partnership that was the foundation of Australia's innings. It's only a pity that Pup went for 93.

So, Kenya came out ready to attempt to chase down 325. 325? Australia should have walked that in, but they made it look so hard. Were they just pissing about, treating it as a glorified training session or were they really just being shit? Who the hell knows, but special mention must go to Collins Obuya who played a superb innings today (although his brother Davo might not agree). I bet I'm not the only Aussie out there who is disappointed he didn't get a century.

And another special mention must definitely go to Mike Atherton, that star of commentary. This was my favourite today:

MA: Australia really need to get a move on here.

Tom Moody: They're batting at five and a half an over, mate. They're heading for 300 plus here.

MA: Yeah, there's no doubt Australia will get a very defendable total here today but there seems to be no drive.

TM: No drive? What the hell are you on about, dickhead? [picks up an under ripe watermelon and beats Atherton over the head with it]

I'm sorry, did that last bit not actually happen? I must've be sent to sleep by the tiresome drone of Matherton's voice and had a wet dream.

This post does not deserve a quarter final place

And neither does England, but they will probably still get one.

Bastards.

And as the dust settles over Chittagong and the orange sun slides gently beneath the horizon, the half-arsed England fans say brusquely "I don't care about one day cricket anyway" while the true fans pat each other on the back and say "well, at least we have the Ashes", which is true to be fair (so I hear, anyway. I've blocked everything test cricket dating from November to January, so I'll need convincing).

The Aussies, however, are amused and somewhat relieved. Not because we were worried about meeting England again but because after the Ponting incident, the Indian newspaper allegations and the Warney's own very special Twitter-gate - it is nice to have someone focus on England instead. On the matter, I spoke with Andrew Strauss after today's match:

SID: What do you think about the match fixing allegations against England that have been reported by one newspaper?

AS: There haven't been any reports of match fixing or spot fixing.

SID: Really? I just assumed ...

AS: Well, if it were any other side, you would. But when it's England, the world just accepts that we're rubbish. There's no need for any such reports.

SID: Well, that sounds about right. Thanks, Andrew. Try not to steal any little urns on your way to the shower.

AS: I'll do my best, Sid.

And there you have it - right from the captain himself.

P.S. Apologies for the quietness. My laptop is being a bastard. And why are there such big gaps between our matches?

The Return of the Muss

You heard it here ... well, probably ages after everyone else to be honest, but you heard it here as well ... Mussey is, as we speak, being airlifted in an emergency jet to India to salvage our hopes in the world cup.

Not that they were waning or anything, but we do still have Pakistan to come and the possibility of meeting India in the quarters so it won't hurt to have a little Mussey in our pockets, will it?

And that's not all - he's bringing the beloved Dutchman Dirty Dirk Nannes with him. The problem is, Nannes isn't coming to play. Don't get me wrong, he is willing to play if he must. Dang, he's willing to be a porter or a waiter if necessary. But the main reason he appears to be coming is because he has - and I quote - never been under Ricky Ponting.

The mind reels.

Thanks Jane for the quote/link.

Rain Stopped Play

What do you think - lucky for Australia or too early to tell?

Preview/Mid-view of the SL match

OK, not really a preview or a mid-view ... just me freakin' out.

We had a good start and then they settled and then there was rain.

And it's still raining.

And my nails are bitten to the quick.

Pray for my salvation.

Letter to the Editor

Dear the Editor of the Press Trust of India,

Really? The ICC are investigating Twats and me because we were a bit slow against Zimbabwe, are they? Oh, please. They aren't investigating us, we were just a bit shit that day. Well, Twats was anyway. Punter had told me to get my stuff together, so I was being extra careful, and Twats was ... well, yeah, he was just being rubbish. But he does that.

Trust me, he is not smart enough to even spell match fixing let alone actually do it. I'm not the brightest light in the tree myself, if I'm honest.

And what the hell did we fix anyway - our own win? In case you hadn't noticed, teams have a tendency to lose matches deliberately, not win them. Whoever tried to set it up did a fucked up job then, didn't they? They didn't even bother to get our bowlers on board. Clever.

Right, listen up, foreign media - we know you all want us to do badly in the world cup, but fuck off. We won the match against Zimbabwe, we won it by a mile and we're gonna keep doing it just to piss you all off even more.

Braddo Hads
If I was smarter I'd say something clever here

P.S. while you're making suggestions to the ICC, please report the possibility that India nearly lost to England the other day - that might have been deliberate, it was only England after all and they had nearly lost to the Dutch. Sounds like match-fixing to me, sunshine. 

P.P.S. can you ask the ICC if Ricky can have his box back, please?