And so the IPL rattles on and the rest of the world goes to sleep, wondering when it will be finally over and we can get on with some real cricket. That is, except the West Indies and Pakistan, who are getting on with things regardless. Oh, if only Australia would do the same.
James Sutherland, it seems, is even more bored than me. He's decided to mix things up a bit by pissing off the PCB. He made comments to a newspaper claiming Pakistan didn't take recommendations made by a commission on match fixing in 2000 seriously. He claimed that last year's spot fixing scandal wouldn't have happened if the PCB had taken these recommendations seriously.
And now the PCB aren't happy and are asking the ICC to investigate Sutherland. It's all fun and games and, naturally, distracts from the tedium that is bright coloured outfits and fat dancing girls.
I am ill-qualified to comment on Sutherland's claim or on what the PCB think the ICC will do, but I do have a question: what the hell has any of this got to do with the chief exec of Cricket Australia?
Seriously, Jamie, most of Australia couldn't care less what you think - what on earth makes you think the PCB and the people of Pakistan will care? Shut up and get on with organising us some real cricket, would you?
Friday, 29 April 2011
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
All the things that are wrong with county cricket.
There's actually not a lot that's wrong with county cricket. In fact, there's plenty that's right with it: beer, sunshine, free entry for kids, people generally preferring cricket to football, families having a nice day out, small pretty county grounds, watching Peter Borren ...
But there are a few things wrong with it: overpriced beer, players reaching milestones or getting 6s when you go for overpriced beer and we're in Britain, so the sunshine doesn't always play along. But of all the things that are wrong with county cricket, none are quite so wrong as this:
But there are a few things wrong with it: overpriced beer, players reaching milestones or getting 6s when you go for overpriced beer and we're in Britain, so the sunshine doesn't always play along. But of all the things that are wrong with county cricket, none are quite so wrong as this:
This type of thing should be illegal.
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Today is Sachin Tendulkar's birthday
For massive overreaction, read just about every cricket blog on the internet.
Except this one.
Except this one.
Thursday, 21 April 2011
A lovely fairy tale of the tall people and the short people
Once upon a time there was a land of tall people and short people living their lives happily next to one another. And there were some tall men who were put in charge of this world of tall people and short people for a time. They were treated like kings - they could do whatever they wanted and they earned shedloads of money for doing fuck all. After a while, they started to feel like gods.
And then they started to act like gods. They got greedy and decided to make people live their lives in a way that made these men as much money as possible. The tall people and the short people liked to play games against one another, and these men were in charge of organising the games. They decided when the games would be played and if they would be tall people against tall people or tall people against short people games.
It soon became clear that the world preferred to watch the tall people play games against the tall people and would pay the men lots of money to do so. Sometimes the short people played the short people but that didn't generate a lot of interest or money. The short people - who were new to the games - really liked to play the tall people for the experience. Some of the short people dreamed of becoming tall people and felt that the more games they played against tall people, and the better they got at playing, the quicket they would grow and grow and become taller and taller.
Every few years the men would hold a massive tournament where all the people, the tall and the short, would come together in one big peaceful place and play games against each other for weeks on end until one was proclaimed the best in all the land. It was always a tall people team that was proclaimed the best in all the land, but the short people loved to play just the same. For they loved the games as much as anybody and it was their best opportunity to watch and learn from the tall people.
But the men in charge didn't care - all they wanted was power and money and the short people games didn't make them any money.So after the last massive tournament, after one of the tallest of all the teams was proclaimed the best in all the land, the men announced that the short people would no longer be allowed to play in the tournament. In future, it would be a tournament for only tall people.
This made the short teams very angry! They had worked so hard and felt they deserved the right to play. The short green team was particularly annoyed because one of the tall teams often tried to steal their players and put them on stilts so that no one would know they were really a short person. How would they convince the short green people not to leave like this when their team could never play against the tall teams? Soon the short green people would have no players left.
And so the short people got together and spoke to lawyers and wrote letters but the men pretended they didn't hear them. The people, tall and short, were outraged and made their feelings known wherever they could to the men. The men still weren't interested. Then the short people started talking to the media all the time and saying that the men were not listening because they knew they were wrong to do what they did, they could not justify their decision and the lawyers said they were right and that the men were bad.
And then the men came out of their golden palace and said that they would speak again and that they would discuss their decision and they thought this would shut the short people the hell up. But they were wrong. The short people would continue to make their feellings known until the men really did meet again and change their mind ... so don't forget the plight of short people! Green, orange, whatever colour - they will have their day!
And then (hopefully) they will live happily ever after. And the men will be replaced.
And then they started to act like gods. They got greedy and decided to make people live their lives in a way that made these men as much money as possible. The tall people and the short people liked to play games against one another, and these men were in charge of organising the games. They decided when the games would be played and if they would be tall people against tall people or tall people against short people games.
It soon became clear that the world preferred to watch the tall people play games against the tall people and would pay the men lots of money to do so. Sometimes the short people played the short people but that didn't generate a lot of interest or money. The short people - who were new to the games - really liked to play the tall people for the experience. Some of the short people dreamed of becoming tall people and felt that the more games they played against tall people, and the better they got at playing, the quicket they would grow and grow and become taller and taller.
Every few years the men would hold a massive tournament where all the people, the tall and the short, would come together in one big peaceful place and play games against each other for weeks on end until one was proclaimed the best in all the land. It was always a tall people team that was proclaimed the best in all the land, but the short people loved to play just the same. For they loved the games as much as anybody and it was their best opportunity to watch and learn from the tall people.
But the men in charge didn't care - all they wanted was power and money and the short people games didn't make them any money.So after the last massive tournament, after one of the tallest of all the teams was proclaimed the best in all the land, the men announced that the short people would no longer be allowed to play in the tournament. In future, it would be a tournament for only tall people.
This made the short teams very angry! They had worked so hard and felt they deserved the right to play. The short green team was particularly annoyed because one of the tall teams often tried to steal their players and put them on stilts so that no one would know they were really a short person. How would they convince the short green people not to leave like this when their team could never play against the tall teams? Soon the short green people would have no players left.
And so the short people got together and spoke to lawyers and wrote letters but the men pretended they didn't hear them. The people, tall and short, were outraged and made their feelings known wherever they could to the men. The men still weren't interested. Then the short people started talking to the media all the time and saying that the men were not listening because they knew they were wrong to do what they did, they could not justify their decision and the lawyers said they were right and that the men were bad.
And then the men came out of their golden palace and said that they would speak again and that they would discuss their decision and they thought this would shut the short people the hell up. But they were wrong. The short people would continue to make their feellings known until the men really did meet again and change their mind ... so don't forget the plight of short people! Green, orange, whatever colour - they will have their day!
And then (hopefully) they will live happily ever after. And the men will be replaced.
Monday, 18 April 2011
A poorly timed post dedicated to Sunny
I know it's completely the wrong time of year - and I might re-post this when the time is right - but when Sunny from Cricket for Dummies admitted, in a right shameful display of cricket ignorance I must say, that she didn't know what the "Ashes of English cricket piece from the 1880s" was, I was inspired to write this (and to send bunnies to her home to pelt her with peanut shells as she tries to sleep).
In light of the fact that we seem unable to beat anyone other than Bangladesh these days, it seems fairly appropriate to remind ourselves of a time when we could win. And so, without further ado, here is my memory of that first Ashes test, it may be a little faulty (and yes, I really am that old):
Twas the unseasonably warm summer of 1882; the sky was blue, the wee little pigeons were swooping all over the ground at Kennington Oval (
Oval, then catch the half-hourly stagecoach right to the ground entrance) and the car park was full of horses and their excrement. Only one test is to be played in this exciting cricket competition between the English gentlemen and those upstart convicts and this be the third day of it.To begin at the beginning, Australia had won the toss and chosen to bat, but ‘twas a fairly poor decision as they were duly cleaned up by a Yorkshireman on a mission and bowled out for 63. Aussie legend, and arguably the man who set the trends regarding ‘taches in Australian cricket for a century to come, Freddie Spofforth was not best pleased and helped himself to seven wickets as his side bowled England out for 101. Batting for a second time, Australia were slightly less shit but were annoyed by that same bloody Yorkshireman again. This time they went for 122 runs, leaving England needing only 85 runs for the win.
Grace had been cheating, as only Grace knew how (because all the umpires were bloody scared of him and did as he told them to), and Our Freddie – he o’ the tache – was determined that Australia would not go down without a fight.
And so we come to day three. With days one and two having gone in favour of the English, the crowd on day three was larger than ever as the locals suddenly took an interest. The small cluster of giant green and gold foam hands, attached to loudly singing and drunken Aussies, was drowned out by long-coated men with monocles and pipes saying “tally-ho, old chap” every two minutes.
Barlow and Grace, the English openers, emerged from the pavilion and the crowd went even wilder. The “tally-ho”s were truly deafening. W.G. pranced about, swinging his stovepipe hat and pipe all over the shop, working the crowd. At one point, he even picked up the ball and bit into it! Such a thing will surely never be seen again. He was behaving like such an obnoxious twat that one frustrated crowd member, with an Aussie flag in one hand and a can of Fosters in the other, rushed over the field and rugby tackled W.G. to the ground. The gentleman players from both sides responded immediately by gathering around him and beating him senseless with their dandy walking canes. The crowd was shocked and every newspaper present refused to publish any sketches of the incident for fear it would set a poor example – an Aussie in London drinking British brewed Fosters is so shameful, we don’t ever want to see it again.
Fortunately, this fan was not the only one who had been riled by the antics of the great Dr Grace. Our Freddie was also a touch pissed at him. Legend has it that, while the above was going on, Spofforth declared to his compatriots that “this thing can be done” and walked out with a determination that Kim Hughes, a hundred years later, could only dream about (and probably did). He took out Hornby and Barlow, bringing the score to 51-2 but Grace still stood proudly at the crease. It was only when he, too, went that the Aussies really started to feel they had a chance.
Spofforth and Boyle then took twelve maiden overs one after the other and for England’s last five wickets the home side managed only 7 runs. Our Freddie – who was henceforth known as “The Demon” – refused to be denied his victory. In total he took 7 wickets for only 44 runs. He bowled a total of 28 overs and in his final 11 he took 4 wickets and let through only two runs.
This historic match had become so exciting that the heart of one man in the crowd failed and he did not live to see that England was bowled out for only 77, giving Australia the win. The monocles and stove-pipe hats were strangely quiet and left the ground saying to each other “One day we’ll win a competition of much shorter cricket that no one cares about” and “we think test cricket is dead anyway”.
A few days later a mock obituary was published in the Sporting Times that went like this:
In Affectionate Rememberance
Of
ENGLISH CRICKET
WHICH DIED AT THE OVAL
On
29th August, 1882,
Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing
friends and acquaintances
R.I.P.
N.B. – The body will be cremated and the
ashes taken to Australia.
Surely a fairly hopeful passage, in light of the fact that Australia were bowled out in that first innings for so little, but there you go.
A few months later England captain, Ivo Bligh, took his team to Australia to, as he claimed, “recover those ashes”. England ultimately won the series and, while celebrating with the Australian team in Melbourne, was gingerly approached by a group of local women.
Florence Murphy, one of that group, had been given a horrible little brown urn for Christmas by her elderly aunt and was keen to be rid of it so she concocted a plan to palm the hideous thing off on the England cricket team. Her and her gal pals burnt something – although history has forgotten exactly what – and put the ashes inside the urn. They ceremoniously presented it to Bligh at the victory celebration, claiming it was the ashes of English cricket and that he may have them back.
The urn became an icon; the competition became a regular event and now it had a name – The Ashes. Unfortunately, dear Florrie was stuck with the ugly urn after all because she married Bligh and returned with him to England, becoming Lady Darnley in 1800 when Bligh succeeded to the title of Lord Darnley.
It was not until 1927 that the urn was handed to the MCC and put on display at Lord’s, so presumably Florrie had to dust the awful thing for the remainder of her days. Oh well, at least Aunty Mavis was pleased when she came for a visit.
Friday, 15 April 2011
The 2011 World Cup quotes that didn't quite make the cut
You may have noticed, a week or so ago, an article on crapinfo listing interesting quotes from the 2011 World Cup. You may also have noticed that none of the quotes were from Australians.
It's easy to assume that this is because it's crapinfo and they are just biased against us. And that would be a fair assumption, but this time it just isn't the case. This time the Aussies were left out because all of their quotes were either inappropriate or so stupid that even the crapinfo staff couldn't believe it had been said.
Here are the ones that didn't make the cut:
"Of course my protective gear broke the TV, my package is that big" Ricky Ponting goes against Cricket Australia's advice when speaking to the ICC about the television incident.
"Who are all these brown people and why haven't any of them delivered my curry yet? Hey you, little brown man ..." Haddin excels himself right before the quarter final against India.
"We are playing against Canadians? I didn't even know Canadia had a cricket team." Shane Watson speaking to Ponting about the team's upcoming fixtures.
"Hey, Brett ... Rick just gave me this hard, red ball thing ... erm, what do I do with it?" Steve Smith has lost his bowling mojo.
"I think I've just realised something. I'm not Mike Hussey, am I?" Callum Ferguson faces reality.
"The people of India are friendly, passionate, all kinds of things put together." Brett Lee in his superbly planned and executed video blog.
And finally, one that probably should have made the cut, "If Lord Nathan wasn't injured, there's no way I'd be here." The K-word, making a quote that would shortly after be proved completely incorrect. But we love him for making the effort just the same.
Prat.
It's easy to assume that this is because it's crapinfo and they are just biased against us. And that would be a fair assumption, but this time it just isn't the case. This time the Aussies were left out because all of their quotes were either inappropriate or so stupid that even the crapinfo staff couldn't believe it had been said.
Here are the ones that didn't make the cut:
"Of course my protective gear broke the TV, my package is that big" Ricky Ponting goes against Cricket Australia's advice when speaking to the ICC about the television incident.
"Who are all these brown people and why haven't any of them delivered my curry yet? Hey you, little brown man ..." Haddin excels himself right before the quarter final against India.
"We are playing against Canadians? I didn't even know Canadia had a cricket team." Shane Watson speaking to Ponting about the team's upcoming fixtures.
"Hey, Brett ... Rick just gave me this hard, red ball thing ... erm, what do I do with it?" Steve Smith has lost his bowling mojo.
"I think I've just realised something. I'm not Mike Hussey, am I?" Callum Ferguson faces reality.
"The people of India are friendly, passionate, all kinds of things put together." Brett Lee in his superbly planned and executed video blog.
And finally, one that probably should have made the cut, "If Lord Nathan wasn't injured, there's no way I'd be here." The K-word, making a quote that would shortly after be proved completely incorrect. But we love him for making the effort just the same.
Prat.
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Piking out on the clean sweep ...
Twatto was pretty bloody good again (shit), Ponting opened, Pattinson made his debut and took a wicket, Bangladesh gave good chase, Mussey was pretty fly for an old guy and Dog can be proud that his first series as official ODI captain ended in a clean sweep.
Sorry, guys - I'm a tired little bunny and I haven't watched the highlights.
For shame, I know. But please, throw abuse and tell me what a half-arsed blogger I am. And you can talk about the cricket as well, if you like.
Sorry, guys - I'm a tired little bunny and I haven't watched the highlights.
For shame, I know. But please, throw abuse and tell me what a half-arsed blogger I am. And you can talk about the cricket as well, if you like.
Oooh, watch your back, Muss ... don't lift it too high!
Monday, 11 April 2011
Don Bradman's divine hauntiness (or being nice to Shane Watson. Kind of.)
Shane! Shane! You will stop being crap ...
And clearly the beating has done the trick, because Twatto finally got beyond the 90s. He got 185 runs from 96 balls, in fact. Is it possible the Don has actually now possessed him? Do we really believe Twatto is capable of this? Dare we compare him to Sachin?
It's tempting, if only because it might piss some people off.
Ponting, for one, is not impressed. In an interview after today’s match, he said: “Watson is obviously a bastard. He not only waits until I am no longer captain to do something decent, but also steals my thunder – this is meant to be my time to shine with the bat!”
You couldn’t have done that when I was captain, no?
Ponting is being his usual gracious self, then. Another one who's not impressed with Twatto is Steve Smith (who actually got a wee bit of turn with the ball today), but that has to do with a stuffed rabbit with a pink bow tie and should be saved for a whole other post.
Saturday, 9 April 2011
Stand back, suckers - the Dog is here.
Dear Everyone who ever criticised me (including Sid),
I think I probably rule now, so you can all stop being mean to me. I was even better than your precious Ponting today, so there. Of course, you'll all just say that you knew all along I would be because you are fickle bastards.
It's a good thing Cam remembers how to spin, because his batting is still shite; and Timmy you might just get a chance if Hads keeps cocking up like that. And I can do it, because I am the captain now.
I really, really am.
I'd be pissed at Twatto as well, except he is being haunted by the ghost of Bradman (who's about to beat the shit out of him) so he has enough on his plate already ------------------------------------------------------------------->>>
From Mike "I'm not the pup anymore" Clarke
P.S. Purna, bite me.
I think I probably rule now, so you can all stop being mean to me. I was even better than your precious Ponting today, so there. Of course, you'll all just say that you knew all along I would be because you are fickle bastards.
It's a good thing Cam remembers how to spin, because his batting is still shite; and Timmy you might just get a chance if Hads keeps cocking up like that. And I can do it, because I am the captain now.
I really, really am.I'd be pissed at Twatto as well, except he is being haunted by the ghost of Bradman (who's about to beat the shit out of him) so he has enough on his plate already ------------------------------------------------------------------->>>
From Mike "I'm not the pup anymore" Clarke
P.S. Purna, bite me.
Friday, 8 April 2011
~ Play For Country Not For Self ~: Time To Raise Your Voice
~ Play For Country Not For Self ~: Time To Raise Your Voice
Come join Wes and me and sign the petition to the ICC.
Come join Wes and me and sign the petition to the ICC.
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
The Big Bash League attempts to morph into the IPL ...
... and fails miserably. It's not pretty:
The colour under the team names correspond with the colour the team will wear. Yes, this means the Perth Scorchers will wear bright orange and the Sydney Thunder will wear "electric" green (as Crapinfo calls it). There is also going to be private investment in teams, overweight cheerleaders, cheap looking scoreboard fireworks and three awful songs played over and over again through every match.
It's all class.
The colour under the team names correspond with the colour the team will wear. Yes, this means the Perth Scorchers will wear bright orange and the Sydney Thunder will wear "electric" green (as Crapinfo calls it). There is also going to be private investment in teams, overweight cheerleaders, cheap looking scoreboard fireworks and three awful songs played over and over again through every match.
It's all class.
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
A Letter to Ireland from the ICC
Dear Ireland,
We at the ICC have discussed this on and off, somewhere between the entree and the fish course and then again with the coffee; various cricketers have stuck their noses in and had something to say about it (but we just threw a tennis ball down the street - we knew Ricky wouldn't be able to help himself chasing it) and we finally came to this decision regarding you and future world cups: you are shit and we would like you to stay that way so you can't play anymore.
Of course, you're not shit (and, in fact, we and many others appreciate that you beat England in this year's tournament) and you are much better than Bangladesh, despite what thatdelusional die-hard Saffa Bangladesh supporter at Cricket Minded thinks (And yes, we know they beat England as well but it was by a hair, so let's not get carried away people). But the fact is people are less interested in watching you and the other shit nations minnows play, and at some point you have to play each other and no one wants to watch that. It holds up the whole tournament and we make less money on it, which we really don't like.
So can you please just sit down and shut up and do as you're told. We don't care that you are less likely to succeed in your bid at full member status if you can't play in major international tournaments (No, Mr Collingwood, no that T20 thing - we said major). We have no interest in developing cricket around the world. Surely that's the job of cricket's governing body?
Oh, wait ...
From the Gods of cricket on their thrones in Dubai
The ICC
We at the ICC have discussed this on and off, somewhere between the entree and the fish course and then again with the coffee; various cricketers have stuck their noses in and had something to say about it (but we just threw a tennis ball down the street - we knew Ricky wouldn't be able to help himself chasing it) and we finally came to this decision regarding you and future world cups: you are shit and we would like you to stay that way so you can't play anymore.
Of course, you're not shit (and, in fact, we and many others appreciate that you beat England in this year's tournament) and you are much better than Bangladesh, despite what that
So can you please just sit down and shut up and do as you're told. We don't care that you are less likely to succeed in your bid at full member status if you can't play in major international tournaments (No, Mr Collingwood, no that T20 thing - we said major). We have no interest in developing cricket around the world. Surely that's the job of cricket's governing body?
Oh, wait ...
From the Gods of cricket on their thrones in Dubai
The ICC
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Hauritz becomes invisible and SOK begins to fade ...
Sydney, April 2nd, 2011
Reports have reached us this morning of the tragic fate of two fine Australian cricketers. Steve Waugh medalist, Steve O'Keefe, has started to take on the transparent look of a ghost according to team mates. The affliction was first noticed by the young spinner on Wednesday, when the Cricket Australia selectors named their squad for the tour to Bangladesh.
Coincidentally, O'Keefe's fellow Blues spinner Nathan Hauritz, who has suffered from this same strange condition for about six months now, disappeared at about exactly the same time. Hauritz has been gradually fading but is now completely invisible to the naked eye.
Theories as to what may have caused the odd condition have been tossed around between the NSW players, the most prominent being that O'Keefe is disappearing in shame over his idiotic comment to the press, on getting the Steve Waugh award: "I don't think in 50,000 years of human evolution there's words to describe ...". This is a very viable reason, as the comment did make him sound like a complete moron, but it has to be to discarded as a cause as it cannot apply to Hauritz. He's never won anything.
Doctors are completely baffled and, naturally, the management of the NSW Blues are very concerned. Interestingly enough, though, Cricket Australia was not available for comment and, frankly, doesn't really seem to give a shit.
Reports have reached us this morning of the tragic fate of two fine Australian cricketers. Steve Waugh medalist, Steve O'Keefe, has started to take on the transparent look of a ghost according to team mates. The affliction was first noticed by the young spinner on Wednesday, when the Cricket Australia selectors named their squad for the tour to Bangladesh.
Coincidentally, O'Keefe's fellow Blues spinner Nathan Hauritz, who has suffered from this same strange condition for about six months now, disappeared at about exactly the same time. Hauritz has been gradually fading but is now completely invisible to the naked eye.
Theories as to what may have caused the odd condition have been tossed around between the NSW players, the most prominent being that O'Keefe is disappearing in shame over his idiotic comment to the press, on getting the Steve Waugh award: "I don't think in 50,000 years of human evolution there's words to describe ...". This is a very viable reason, as the comment did make him sound like a complete moron, but it has to be to discarded as a cause as it cannot apply to Hauritz. He's never won anything.
Doctors are completely baffled and, naturally, the management of the NSW Blues are very concerned. Interestingly enough, though, Cricket Australia was not available for comment and, frankly, doesn't really seem to give a shit.
Saturday, 2 April 2011
A New Skipper, Same old Number 3 and Still Absolutely No Spin!
And so we go to Bangladesh.
We're going half way around the world to play three ODIs.
You could argue we need the practice, but seriously - how much hard work can Bangladesh be? It's only Bangladesh, right?
We've got our new captain in tow, eager to please little Pup, and Punter is obviously going to be all reborn as a superb batsman now that he is not captain. Shane Watson will be big and dumb, which is a given, Haddin will abuse a few of the locals and of course we have absolutely no spin because we are taking the X man. Not Lord Nathan, who surely deserves to go. No. We're taking Xavier Doherty.
Just so you're clear.
At least it's only Bangladesh, who matter in the cricket world about as much as my sinus problems matter to Purna over at Cricket Minded. Note that Ashraful has been dropped, presumably because of his relatively ordinary world cup (are the Deshi selectors morphing into Cricket Australia?). And Mortaza is back from injury. Well, that's scary.
Sorry, Purna. You're only a half-arsed Bangladesh supporter anyway, so what would you know?
Can you tell I'm excited about this tour?
Here's the team list:
Michael "I might change my brand of hair gel now that I'm captain" Clark
Shane "Am I still opening now that Pup's captain? I'm confused" Watson
Brad "I don't like touring brown people countries" Haddin
Ricky "I will be godlike. Probably." Ponting
Cameron "I hope I fucking show up this time" White
Mike "What happened to me in India?" Hussey
Callum "Willing to kick Mussey's zimmer frame out from under him if necessary" Ferguson
Tim "I like brown people countries. Honest" Paine (wk)
Steve "Do I bat or do I bowl? Or do I do neither?" Smith
Mitchell "I might actually bother to support Lee this time" Johnson
John "Can I play please?" Hastings
Brett "Getting on but still a bit scary" Lee
Xavier "I am not Nathan Hauritz" Doherty
James "Even I don't know who I am" Pattinson
Yawn.
We're going half way around the world to play three ODIs.
You could argue we need the practice, but seriously - how much hard work can Bangladesh be? It's only Bangladesh, right?
We've got our new captain in tow, eager to please little Pup, and Punter is obviously going to be all reborn as a superb batsman now that he is not captain. Shane Watson will be big and dumb, which is a given, Haddin will abuse a few of the locals and of course we have absolutely no spin because we are taking the X man. Not Lord Nathan, who surely deserves to go. No. We're taking Xavier Doherty.
Just so you're clear.
At least it's only Bangladesh, who matter in the cricket world about as much as my sinus problems matter to Purna over at Cricket Minded. Note that Ashraful has been dropped, presumably because of his relatively ordinary world cup (are the Deshi selectors morphing into Cricket Australia?). And Mortaza is back from injury. Well, that's scary.
Sorry, Purna. You're only a half-arsed Bangladesh supporter anyway, so what would you know?
Can you tell I'm excited about this tour?
Here's the team list:
Michael "I might change my brand of hair gel now that I'm captain" Clark
Shane "Am I still opening now that Pup's captain? I'm confused" Watson
Brad "I don't like touring brown people countries" Haddin
Ricky "I will be godlike. Probably." Ponting
Cameron "I hope I fucking show up this time" White
Mike "What happened to me in India?" Hussey
Callum "Willing to kick Mussey's zimmer frame out from under him if necessary" Ferguson
Tim "I like brown people countries. Honest" Paine (wk)
Steve "Do I bat or do I bowl? Or do I do neither?" Smith
Mitchell "I might actually bother to support Lee this time" Johnson
John "Can I play please?" Hastings
Brett "Getting on but still a bit scary" Lee
Xavier "I am not Nathan Hauritz" Doherty
James "Even I don't know who I am" Pattinson
Yawn.
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