Smith's Bullshit ... oh, that's "bullish"

So, flicked over to crapinfo just now to check out what Tremlett's doing to the Sri Lankan batsman. I knew something was going on - and going on in England's favour - because my husband, true Englishman that he is, is suddenly watching the match. And naturally, I went over to the Australia page to see what's going on with a real cricket team (pauses to consider potential snide commentage on that one)

(and continues, not really giving a toss)

I saw the article titled "Smith bullish about playing for Clarke" and, being an Aussie and all, I thought it said "Bullshit". So I read more.

Only to discover that it is, indeed, bullshit:

Steven Smith, the Australia legspinning allrounder, has called Michael Clarke a "very, very good captain of spin".

He's helped me out a lot," Smith told the Daily Telegraph. "He's a big believer in giving a bit of protection when you start off ...

Mike is the best captain ever, ever, ever and I really like it when he shares his hair products with me.

Seriously, Steve, it's not necessary - My Lord is injured and the other two are headed to Zimbabwe. Unless they decide to go for X (oh, please), you will probably get picked. Calm down.

Anyone else think Crapinfo went for that title deliberately? I hope so.

The move is on again!

Possibly.

As some of you may have noticed, I haven't been able to access my blog for several days. This is because Blogger have been complete bastards. I can, I have discovered, access it if I use IE (as I am now) but that is not ideal because I hate IE. I am a Firefox user.

I hope not to be a Blogger user for much longer.

I have set up a wordpress blog, and it will be hosted so no @wordpress.com, but the move is proving more difficult than I originally thought. I have been her for nearly two years now; you have all found me here in that time and I like the Blogger user friendly dashboard etc. Plus you can do so much more with a Blogger blog.

And, of course, the URL that appears in this year's Wisden almanac is this one.

Maybe I'll wait.

Maybe I won't.

Because Blogger are being bastards.

Any thoughts?

And on a side note, a friend of my friend went to Cardiff today to see the cricket. He attempted to get the autographs of KP and Stuart Broad. Both of them snubbed him; KP didn't even pretend not to see him - he looked right at him and said "no, way mate".

Nice, huh? My Lord would never behave that way.

Freddy Flintoff considers a career in TV

We all know Flintoff isn't that smart - the guy tweeted his mobile number for heaven's sake! - but he sure gets around. As well as having a bad-arse website with a swish logo in the corner (I wish I had one), since retiring he's been seen at various fashion shows, the British Grand Prix, some magazine's "man of the Year" award night, to name a few places ...

... and he's been on TV. His television career is, in fact, prolific (well, prolific for a guy with two brain cells to his name). He has his own quiz show that shares a name with a film about a women's baseball team and is characterised by clearly not being They think it's all over, a far superior sports quiz show; he is the face of a supermarket chain and is soon to start making a show called Andrew Flintoff's World of Sport in which, I hear, he will commentate on the national pedalo league's weekly meets.

Later in the year, we can expect to see Freddie even more often on the small screen as his cooking show takes off, he becomes the speaker of the House of Commons and his children's program Freddie hooks up with some small furry animals and does a jig to badly composed music hits CBBC. I, for one, can't wait.

But at least he is not doing Bollywood films. Because that would be just a tad too much, wouldn't it Fred?

Oh god, there's more!

And in a disturbing twist on the last post, I now hear that Shane Warne is getting offers to make a Bollywood film.

I tried to come up with some clever song and dance post, with a doctored picture of Warnie in a dhoti, but the image in my head of the fat bastard dancing around and - Nate help us - singing was just too much for my little brain to bear.

Warne should be banned from anything other than coaching and the occasional charity cricket match - no talk shows, no interviews of any kind and no films, please!

Cricket, the World, Everything - according to Shane Warne

Shane Warne is a legend, we all know it. And we all know that in recent years he has liked to use his legend status to throw his opinion around about everything cricket. It can get a bit annoying at times but quite often, he is right.

Note that I wasn't complaining when he stuck up for My Lord.

And now that he has retired from cricket completely, he is bound to start throwing his weight opinion around even more. Yesterday, he played his last ever match and today I put his name into google news and about a zillion articles came up:

"India should use power responsibly: Shane Warne"

"Sachin was the most awkward opponent: Warne"

"Shah Rukh Kahn is the man in Bollywood: Warne" (Who? What?)

My least favourite: "A clear window for IPL will end sledging: Warne" Oh, please - don't encourage the IPL!

The funniest but most Warne-like: "Shane Warne says he deserves a knighthood for his services to cricket"

And the clear winner: "Just go already, Warney"

Warney, we love you (and you know it), but get on with it!

My Lord Cometh ... maybe ...

Dear Sweet Andy H,

I want to go to Sri Lanka. I know I haven't been fit and my shoulder has been fairly well fucked and that, let's be honest, you don't really like me that much, but I am working really really hard and I want to go. We all know Rick had issues with me standing up for myself having opinions, but that's just because he was an arrogant a grumpy bastard and had no idea what to do with his spinners. Now that you have finally got rid of him he has stood down, he has no say in whether you let me back in and Pup and me are totally BFFs (ever since I promised to rub his feet every day if I get to go to Sri Lanka) so he will want me there.

Come on, it's Sri Lanka man! You want some spin in Sri Lanka ... so take Little Stevie and let me come along for the ride.

Pretty pretty please?

I'm willing to give gifts.

Love and kisses
Nate
x

P.S. Doherty was one bad enough, but if Jason fucking Krejza gets to go instead of me I'm liable to get homicidal.

Somebody married Mitchy and other stuff that happened ...

Shane Warne retired and continued to shag Liz Hurley.

Shane Watson became more determined to be a captain of something.

Someone new was made our bowling coach and the post I wrote about it disappeared, after it refused to let me post it in the first place.

Then it reappeared.

My Wisden finally arrived. Thanks Jarrod for the mention.

And, in a secret ceremony somewhere in Western Australia, Mitchell Johnson got married to Jessica Bratich. I'm sure it was all lovely, with a white dress and a pristine beach and a mother throwing sand in the bride's eyes ...

It's really made my day, honest.

Now, for the love of Nate, can we have some fucking cricket please?

Allan Donald vs. Craig McDermott - the untold story

Michael Brown, Cricket Australia's General Manager of Cricket, sits around a table with his minions drinking coffee: "So, who do we want? Allan Donald or Craig McDermott?" he asks.

Random Minion: Well, Donald has done a good job for New Zealand. They say he has a way of working with the bowlers psychologically as well as technically and physically. I like that.

Another Random Minion: Working with them psychologically? You mean, the way they think ... how will that help us? Mitchell doesn't think.

ARM: The Kiwis want to keep him.

ARM: pfffftt - the Kiwis. What do they know?

Michael Brown: It would be fun to keep him just to annoy them, though. Let's ponder on it as long as possible to make them sweat, just for a giggle.

ARM: Donald has a good bowling record, that has to be a good thing.

ARM: But he's not Australian. We don't do foreigners on our coaching staff.

ARM: Donald took more test wickets than McDermott and at a better average, plus he has good coaching experience.

ARM: But he's a South African and you know how Mitchell struggles to understand accents other than his own. We'd have to use flash cards for a while.

ARM: He's only coached rubbish teams, like England and Zimbabwe. And he's not Australian.

MB: You're right. He's not Australian. Nothing else matters. Let's appoint McDermott as bowling coach. Now, our batting coach?

ARM: Langer.

ARM: Langer.

ARM: Langer.

ARM: Langer.

MB: Well, he is Australian. Let's keep him. Next? Andrew Hilditch ...?

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Cricket Australia does fuck all to see how Mr Hilditch fares. Can you guess what will happen?

A page from Shane's notebook

Dear Mr Notebooky - it's me Shane,

I know at some stage I might be the one making the captaincy decisions for Australia (no, really) and I'm a bit worried, because I am not very smart. Here are some things I might want to do/think about just in case I am captain one day:

• Learn to keep an eye on what is going on all around the game, rather than just thinking about what I'm doing. This might mean being able to think about more than one thing at a time. Might need to see doctor about this.

• Learn to accept that I'm not a great bowler and do not allow the shock of actually getting a wicket make me behave like a naughty little boy.

• Learn the Ponting Pout and try not to look like a sulky baby when I get out.

• Borrow some of Pup's hair products, actually learn how to use them and practice throwing my things at TV sets.

• Get used to handing over the Ashes urn (I will probably have to do this a lot if I'm captain).

• Find that little known picture book "The rules of cricket in 20 easy to understand pictures" - or, alternatively, learn to read.

• Beg Mr Hilditch to pretty please let me be captain one day. Buy gifts if necessary (that usually works).

Thanks, Pup, for helping me write this. I promise I will get better at words.

Honest.

Warney and Liz - the Odd Couple

She likes his accent (because he's the only man in the world to have that accent, right?) and craves constant media attention; he will shag pretty well anything that moves. So, they're a match made in heaven obviously.

No, it's not a match made in heaven. It's a strange match. But strange partnerships seem to be the way in cricket. Here are some others -

Shane Watson and Simon Katich

Graeme Swann and his cat (or so he claims)

Andrew Strauss and *that* urn

Shahid Afridi and *that* ball

MS Dhoni and every advertising exec in India.

 

And finally ...

Ricky and Rihanna Ponting - the woman has a law degree, what can she possibly see in him?