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I have now officially moved ...

2011-07-03T17:03:00.002+01:00

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Please come and visit me there.

Pretty please?

Dustbin Cricket Quickies: 5 things about ... Shane Watson

2011-06-28T19:33:00.000+01:00

The new spot to celebrate the new blog – 5 things you didn’t know (and probably never wanted to) about a particular cricketer. I put five questions to a cricketer each week and this is what they tell me.*

To set things going, who else but Shane Watson?

1. What exactly does he do? He shows up, he gets paid. Sometimes he bats and very occasionally he bowls. His job description definitely involves really pissing me off (it’s actually in his contract).

2. What is his favourite song? Shame and Fortune by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (but only because he thinks it’s called “Shane” and fortune) (I couldn’t bring myself to correct him).

3. If he were a food, what would he be? A McDonald’s burger – on occasion it tastes good, but then you eat it too often and it begins to make you sick.

4. Who is his favourite opponent? Common sense and a guy named Katich.

5. If he wasn’t a cricketer, what would he be? That big dumb blonde guy from Wherethefuck, Queensland who puts salt and vinegar on your chips and can’t pull a pint for shit.

*this is a lie. I make it all up (just in case you were wondering).

Next week … Lord Nathan

***To leave a comment, please go to the new blog at http://thoughtsfromthedustbin.com ***

Please update your blogrolls

2011-06-26T12:01:00.000+01:00

It's only a few days now until this page moves completely to http://thoughtsfromthedustbin.com so please can you all update your blog rolls?

Ta.

Kirby

Shane Warne – in you we must not trust

2011-06-24T19:03:00.000+01:00

Thanks to the heavily updated site Cricket Blitz I was made aware of a survey done by the Reader’s Digest of 1,000 people in Australia. They were asked to rank famous people and professions out of ten, ten being the most trustworthy.

When all was calculated, Shane Warne had ranked lowest.

Are we surprised? No. We trusted him once, and he gave us Michael Beer.

The man deserveth not our faith.

England win the 2031 Ashes series

2011-06-22T18:26:00.000+01:00

Remember when test cricket was the only game around? Well, that was slightly before my time (only slightly, mind) but remember when test cricket was the game we all really cared about?

Remember when we really didn’t give a shit about T20 and the Ashes was the most important thing ever?

Can we go back there, please? This crap and the cutting of Katich (despite racking up the most … yeah, you know it all by now) just feels like Cricket Australia’s line of thinking is “We’ve lost the Ashes, we’re not that good at test cricket anymore: instead of trying to improve and get the Ashes back why don’t we just forget about it and focus on our own little version of the IPL? Hey! We can even pay the players less if they don’t sign up for the Big Bash. That’ll fuck test cricket right up.”

Congratulations England. You have just won the Ashes for the next twenty years.

Cricket Australia really are bastards, aren’t they (or is it just me)?

Tips for staying in good with Cricket Australia (and maybe keep your contract)

2011-06-18T11:54:00.000+01:00

Don’t be a spinner, unless you are Shane Warne reincarnated. They might let you play a bit, they might even give you a contract but if you aren’t turning the ball the width of Mike Gatting they will get sick of you pretty quickly and move on to the next nobody.

Date as many bimbos as you can, get yourself in the paper for things other than cricket as often as possible, even leave tours to go appease your girlfriend who was stupid enough to let some idiot take a naked photo of her. Have so little commitment to your team that a colleague – who is entirely committed – confronts you about it and is gets so angry he assaults you. That should keep you in well sweet with the NSP. They might even make you captain.

Be a complete nobody who has been marginally above average for your state side, get picked for no apparent reason to play in the Ashes (over and above the established spinner) and be completely shit throughout the series.

Be a dumb blonde, have a baby face and occasionally get more than 50 runs. The people will love you (and avoid those blogs that make fun of you) and so will the NSP.

Don’t amass an amazing amount of runs, after fighting your way back into the test side with sheer hard work and stability after last time you were made to wear the scapegoat cap. Don’t be a great state captain and, for the love of Nate, never be test cricketer of the year and get injured just a few months later.

Don’t be consistently good. There’s no need. So long as you can show up occasionally and save the game for the team, the people will love you and the selectors will overlook your age and your general average-ness* and you will be safe forever and ever. They might even look kindly upon your brother, just for extra reward.

And finally …

It’s a good idea to be Ricky Ponting if you can. They might take away from you the only thing you’ve really been good at the last couple of years (the captaincy), but you will not lose your place in the team because you’re way too high profile for that.

*the calling of Mike Hussey “average” for the purposes of humour only. Not intended to be take seriously.

... And life goes on in Australian Cricket

2011-06-14T19:35:00.000+01:00

To: michael.clarke@dontstranglemearsehole.com.au
From: shaun.marsh@notsimonkatich.com.au

Mike,

Right, everybody’s had their say about Katto being dropped – none more so than Kat himself – and we’ve all done interviews and said how bad we feel; great player yada yada yada but a few days have passed and now it’s time for some opportunistic grave jumping – can I be the new opener, please?
Come on, I’m so much better at this than Phil. Well, really I’m just a bit better than Phil but he’s a little kid and my dad’s all famous and shit. Plus, I need to get all test matchy before someone discovers that my little bro is actually a better player than me – Please can I open with Shane? Please?
I know being the only guy who uses more hair product that you is a bit intimidating, but I’ll let you have all my towels in the change room. Promise.

Big Kisses,

Shaunie

*****

To: shaun.marsh@notsimonkatich.com.au
From: michael.clarke@dontstranglemearsehole.com.au

Sorry … who are you again?

Mike “Dog” Clarke

Simon Katich - his career in blogs

2011-06-12T10:31:00.000+01:00

Actually, the title is a bit misleading. This isn’t about Katich’s career in blogs. And there’s one reason for that – most people didn’t spend time writing blogs about Katich. He wasn’t a pretty player and he wasn’t easy to make fun of, like Ponting or Clarke or that gem of the pisstake,Twatto; he wasn’t fat like Bollinger or Warne and his selection was never a mystery, like Krejza or – dare I say it – North.

He was simply there, doing his job and doing it well.

In fact, I imagine more has been written about Katich in the blog world in the last 48 hours than in his entire career (and there still weren’t that many). So, unllike the Ricky Ponting version of this post, I thought I’d list those pieces written in the last few days about the man who went from Australian Test Cricketer of the Year to unemployed in the space of a few months.

Naturally, the grandaddy of ‘em all CWB had something to say about it – twice: One pre-outburst and one post-outburst. And, incidentally, Jrod’s right – is should have been all three of the oldies or none of them. Dumping the one of the three who has actually be consistently performing makes no sense.

And my bestest buddy in the blog world, Ian at the Baggy Green Blog, had one of those uber-rants he likes to have when he feels strongly about something. Take an hour out to read it through – it’s worth it. Make sure you join us in making a jab at Warne while you’re there.

Far be it for Cricket Action Art to miss an opportunity to say something about Aussie cricket The Krab is scuttled.

The lovely Greyblazer ponders the wisdom of putting so much faith in Phil Hughes over Katich, which is a valid ponderance but one I have barely yet reached due to excessive sulkage.

And, finally, a new blog in my life talks about the joy of other cricketing nations at the supposed “fall” of Australian cricket but expresses his surprise at Katich’s attack on his governing body. He ultimately blames Katich’s dropping on the attack on Clarke a few years back. It’s been a joke on the social networking sites, of course, but it isn’t the reason.

One of my readers, Lou, is certain that Katich’s outburst won’t make a difference. And, who are we kidding? she’s probably right. As if those arseholes will take any notice. But at least Simon can go to sleep at night knowing that he was the one who actually stood up and said something.

Of course, would he have said it if he hadn’t lost his contract …?

The Move

2011-06-10T19:16:00.000+01:00

As of June 30th, this blog will move permanently to http://thoughtsfromthedustbin.com. In the meantime, I will post most pieces on both blogs so by all means keep coming here and commenting if you feel like it. Please do support the new page if you can - either now or when I move - because I pay for it. And I need you all to make it worth my money.

Please?

Dustbin Cricket Obituaries: Marcus James North

2011-06-08T19:58:00.002+01:00

Here lie the remains of

Marcus J North

who we seem to care less about that Katto;

who made a century on debut and again at Cardiff;

who helped us to a miraculous draw at Birmingham and

who took six wickets at Lord’s (and is generally considered a pretty handy spinner)

He found himself to be right royally shafted by Cricket Australia

on June 7th, 2011.

The body is to be cremated and the ashes blown in the face of Hilditch and his selection panel at the earliest opportunity

RIP Marcus

I care, if no one else does

Dustbin Cricket Obituaries: Simon Mathew Katich

2011-06-07T19:59:00.000+01:00

He appeared in 2001
for the one test we lost;
Our Godlike Waugh was injured
and to the newby the bat was tossed.
He was never one of the favourites
except with an Aussie few;
so when the Ashes were lost in ’05
the selectors knew what to do.
“Let’s lose the less fashionable” they said,
“let’s make him the scapegoat”,
but his state side never lost faith
and he kept Derbyshire afloat.
And then he was back
and became a team staple;
the poor sod was stuck with Twatto
yet he helped him become able (kind of).
But now the young man’s time is done
and for him we must now mourn;
he pissed off the Dog who is now the boss
and from his contract he has been torn.
The selectors have done a stand up job,
as we know they always do;
two thousand, nine hundred and twenty eight runs
have just been flushed down the loo.

RIP Simon Katich

You will be missed


Rick, when we're done here, we need to go mess Pup up - ok?

Tips for making a Video by Cricket Australia

2011-06-06T14:09:00.000+01:00

You might be quite high up in the organisation – the Chief Executive or the Chairman of Selectors, for example – so we don’t expect you to know anything about acting. Hell, we long ago stopped expecting you to know anything about cricket. If you are going to do a video in which you are one of the main speakers, however, it is advisable to get a little coaching from someone who knows about public speaking or acting. And do some rehearsing before you record. This way you won’t sound like a complete droid and people won’t mock you (disclaimer: that’s not entirely true. We will still mock you, just not about this awful video).

Pretending to talk to each other, or “throw” the conversation to another person in the video, when their part has clearly been recorded at a different time and a different place, just looks ridiculous.

You might be the captain of the national team and be a bit short on time due to all the hair products you use and the bimbos you date, but if you are going to read from a teleprompter please run through it a few times before recording. It does not look good when we can see your eyes moving along the screen and you clearly have never read the text before because you trip over the big words.

Also, “influencing” is pronounced with the accent on the “in”. It is not “influWENcing”. OK? Do you speak English at all?

In short, if you want people to be impressed with your video try and be a little more like Ellyse Perry who clearly cares enough about the program to have taken the time to prepare. It’s a pity she couldn’t captain the men’s team or be the Chief Exec. If she could, they might have let her do the video alone.

Matt Prior and the fine art of English hyperbole

2011-06-04T19:14:00.001+01:00

I really don't have an issue with Mattt Prior.

There was the cheating incident, but an argument could be made for his charitable intentions toward Lardy Yardy on that one, plus the guy was stuck with Mitchy's arse in his face and that would probably marr my thinking as well.

Fortunately, the umpires saw so we can move on.

There is the also the fact that he's English, which kind of naturally puts him on the out with me but I don't think he can be held responsible for that. Until we lose the Ashes again, then I can say whatever the hell I want about the English. And I will.

Although, actually he's not - he's one of these South African English players, but that's even worse because he therefore chose England over South Africa.

No, I don't have any real issue with Prior. I think he's a solid batsman and a good keeper. Although why they never gave Phil Mustard a fair shot is beyond me.

Ok, so he's a dodgy South African Englishman; there was the cheating incident and he isn't Phil Mustard - apart from those things, I really don't have an issue with Matt Prior. BUT - if just one more fucker calls him the greatest wicket keeper batsman ever, I swear to god I'm going to sneak into their house while they're sleeping and attach a photo of Adam Gilchrist to their forehead with a staple gun.

Got it?

A quick note to Ryan Harris regarding Sri Lanka

2011-06-02T22:09:00.001+01:00

Dear Ryan,

You've done ok lately - you kicked some English arse at Perth in the Ashes and you did pretty good in the IPL. I won't lie, I'm a little bit impressed.

As you probably realise, I am the new bowling coach for Cricket Australia. I know, I know - I'm not Allan Donald but I am Australian and that's all you need. Now, one of my firsts acts as bowling coach is to eliminate the fat fucks on the team. Justin hasn't come around to my way of thinking yet, so Katich might not have to lose weight, but I can tell you: the days of the chubby little bowler are over.

Twatto is carrying that spare tyre and Mitchy's mum just keeps sending him those cookies, so I've really got some work to do. Mike Beer could use a ride on a stairmaster every now and then, but who the hell let him on the team anyway? And you, mate - you might be bowling well but let's be honest, there's a bit of pudge.

You like the beer and crisps, don't you? Hey?

So here's the thing - "be ready" for Sri Lanka looks good on the net, the cricket sites can change it to "be on alert" and make of it what they will. But let's you and I be honest with each other: what I mean when I say "be ready for Sri Lanka" is get to the fucking gym a few times before selection, chubby, because if we need to book more than one aeroplane seat for you, you're not going.

Sort it out.

From Craig McDermott
I'm not a foreigner, I'm a bowling coach

P.S. if you know who this woman is that keeps sending me threatening letters insisting Hauritz gets selected, can you tell her to leave me alone? She's so mean.

Smith's Bullshit ... oh, that's "bullish"

2011-05-30T17:27:00.000+01:00

So, flicked over to crapinfo just now to check out what Tremlett's doing to the Sri Lankan batsman. I knew something was going on - and going on in England's favour - because my husband, true Englishman that he is, is suddenly watching the match. And naturally, I went over to the Australia page to see what's going on with a real cricket team (pauses to consider potential snide commentage on that one)

(and continues, not really giving a toss)

I saw the article titled "Smith bullish about playing for Clarke" and, being an Aussie and all, I thought it said "Bullshit". So I read more.

Only to discover that it is, indeed, bullshit:

Steven Smith, the Australia legspinning allrounder, has called Michael Clarke a "very, very good captain of spin".

He's helped me out a lot," Smith told the Daily Telegraph. "He's a big believer in giving a bit of protection when you start off ...

Mike is the best captain ever, ever, ever and I really like it when he shares his hair products with me.

Seriously, Steve, it's not necessary - My Lord is injured and the other two are headed to Zimbabwe. Unless they decide to go for X (oh, please), you will probably get picked. Calm down.

Anyone else think Crapinfo went for that title deliberately? I hope so.

The move is on again!

2011-05-28T20:44:00.000+01:00

Possibly.

As some of you may have noticed, I haven't been able to access my blog for several days. This is because Blogger have been complete bastards. I can, I have discovered, access it if I use IE (as I am now) but that is not ideal because I hate IE. I am a Firefox user.

I hope not to be a Blogger user for much longer.

I have set up a wordpress blog, and it will be hosted so no @wordpress.com, but the move is proving more difficult than I originally thought. I have been her for nearly two years now; you have all found me here in that time and I like the Blogger user friendly dashboard etc. Plus you can do so much more with a Blogger blog.

And, of course, the URL that appears in this year's Wisden almanac is this one.

Maybe I'll wait.

Maybe I won't.

Because Blogger are being bastards.

Any thoughts?

And on a side note, a friend of my friend went to Cardiff today to see the cricket. He attempted to get the autographs of KP and Stuart Broad. Both of them snubbed him; KP didn't even pretend not to see him - he looked right at him and said "no, way mate".

Nice, huh? My Lord would never behave that way.

Freddy Flintoff considers a career in TV

2011-05-25T08:13:00.002+01:00

We all know Flintoff isn't that smart - the guy tweeted his mobile number for heaven's sake! - but he sure gets around. As well as having a bad-arse website with a swish logo in the corner (I wish I had one), since retiring he's been seen at various fashion shows, the British Grand Prix, some magazine's "man of the Year" award night, to name a few places ...

... and he's been on TV. His television career is, in fact, prolific (well, prolific for a guy with two brain cells to his name). He has his own quiz show that shares a name with a film about a women's baseball team and is characterised by clearly not being They think it's all over, a far superior sports quiz show; he is the face of a supermarket chain and is soon to start making a show called Andrew Flintoff's World of Sport in which, I hear, he will commentate on the national pedalo league's weekly meets.

Later in the year, we can expect to see Freddie even more often on the small screen as his cooking show takes off, he becomes the speaker of the House of Commons and his children's program Freddie hooks up with some small furry animals and does a jig to badly composed music hits CBBC. I, for one, can't wait.

But at least he is not doing Bollywood films. Because that would be just a tad too much, wouldn't it Fred?

Oh god, there's more!

2011-05-23T14:33:00.000+01:00

And in a disturbing twist on the last post, I now hear that Shane Warne is getting offers to make a Bollywood film.

I tried to come up with some clever song and dance post, with a doctored picture of Warnie in a dhoti, but the image in my head of the fat bastard dancing around and - Nate help us - singing was just too much for my little brain to bear.

Warne should be banned from anything other than coaching and the occasional charity cricket match - no talk shows, no interviews of any kind and no films, please!

Cricket, the World, Everything - according to Shane Warne

2011-05-21T11:44:00.001+01:00

Shane Warne is a legend, we all know it. And we all know that in recent years he has liked to use his legend status to throw his opinion around about everything cricket. It can get a bit annoying at times but quite often, he is right.

Note that I wasn't complaining when he stuck up for My Lord.

And now that he has retired from cricket completely, he is bound to start throwing his ~~weight~~ opinion around even more. Yesterday, he played his last ever match and today I put his name into google news and about a zillion articles came up:

"India should use power responsibly: Shane Warne"

"Sachin was the most awkward opponent: Warne"

"Shah Rukh Kahn is the man in Bollywood: Warne" (Who? What?)

My least favourite: "A clear window for IPL will end sledging: Warne" Oh, please - don't encourage the IPL!

The funniest but most Warne-like: "Shane Warne says he deserves a knighthood for his services to cricket"

And the clear winner: "Just go already, Warney"

Warney, we love you (and you know it), but get on with it!

My Lord Cometh ... maybe ...

2011-05-16T20:02:00.000+01:00

Dear Sweet Andy H,

I want to go to Sri Lanka. I know I haven't been fit and my shoulder has been fairly well fucked and that, let's be honest, you don't really like me that much, but I am working really really hard and I want to go. We all know Rick had issues with me ~~standing up for myself~~ having opinions, but that's just because he was ~~an arrogant~~ a grumpy bastard and had no idea what to do with his spinners. Now that ~~you have finally got rid of him~~ he has stood down, he has no say in whether you let me back in and Pup and me are totally BFFs (ever since I promised to rub his feet every day if I get to go to Sri Lanka) so he will want me there.

Come on, it's Sri Lanka man! You want some spin in Sri Lanka ... so take Little Stevie and let me come along for the ride.

Pretty pretty please?

I'm willing to give gifts.

Love and kisses
Nate
x

P.S. Doherty was one bad enough, but if Jason fucking Krejza gets to go instead of me I'm liable to get homicidal.

Somebody married Mitchy and other stuff that happened ...

2011-05-14T18:30:00.000+01:00

Shane Warne retired and continued to shag Liz Hurley.

Shane Watson became more determined to be a captain of something.

Someone new was made our bowling coach and the post I wrote about it disappeared, after it refused to let me post it in the first place.

Then it reappeared.

My Wisden finally arrived. Thanks Jarrod for the mention.

And, in a secret ceremony somewhere in Western Australia, Mitchell Johnson got married to Jessica Bratich. I'm sure it was all lovely, with a white dress and a pristine beach and a mother throwing sand in the bride's eyes ...

It's really made my day, honest.

Now, for the love of Nate, can we have some fucking cricket please?

Allan Donald vs. Craig McDermott - the untold story

2011-05-12T09:37:00.000+01:00

Michael Brown, Cricket Australia's General Manager of Cricket, sits around a table with his minions drinking coffee: "So, who do we want? Allan Donald or Craig McDermott?" he asks.

Random Minion: Well, Donald has done a good job for New Zealand. They say he has a way of working with the bowlers psychologically as well as technically and physically. I like that.

Another Random Minion: Working with them psychologically? You mean, the way they think ... how will that help us? Mitchell doesn't think.

ARM: The Kiwis want to keep him.

ARM: pfffftt - the Kiwis. What do they know?

Michael Brown: It would be fun to keep him just to annoy them, though. Let's ponder on it as long as possible to make them sweat, just for a giggle.

ARM: Donald has a good bowling record, that has to be a good thing.

ARM: But he's not Australian. We don't do foreigners on our coaching staff.

ARM: Donald took more test wickets than McDermott and at a better average, plus he has good coaching experience.

ARM: But he's a South African and you know how Mitchell struggles to understand accents other than his own. We'd have to use flash cards for a while.

ARM: He's only coached rubbish teams, like England and Zimbabwe. And he's not Australian.

MB: You're right. He's not Australian. Nothing else matters. Let's appoint McDermott as bowling coach. Now, our batting coach?

ARM: Langer.

ARM: Langer.

ARM: Langer.

ARM: Langer.

MB: Well, he is Australian. Let's keep him. Next? Andrew Hilditch ...?

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Cricket Australia does fuck all to see how Mr Hilditch fares. Can you guess what will happen?

A page from Shane's notebook

2011-05-09T17:56:00.000+01:00

Dear Mr Notebooky - it's me Shane,

I know at some stage I might be the one making the captaincy decisions for Australia (no, really) and I'm a bit worried, because I am not very smart. Here are some things I might want to do/think about just in case I am captain one day:

Learn to keep an eye on what is going on all around the game, rather than just thinking about what I'm doing. This might mean being able to think about more than one thing at a time. Might need to see doctor about this.

Learn to accept that I'm not a great bowler and do not allow the shock of actually getting a wicket make me behave like a naughty little boy.

Learn the Ponting Pout and try not to look like a sulky baby when I get out.

Borrow some of Pup's hair products, actually learn how to use them and practice throwing my things at TV sets.

Get used to handing over the Ashes urn (I will probably have to do this a lot if I'm captain).

Find that little known picture book "The rules of cricket in 20 easy to understand pictures" - or, alternatively, learn to read.

Beg Mr Hilditch to pretty please let me be captain one day. Buy gifts if necessary (that usually works).

Thanks, Pup, for helping me write this. I promise I will get better at words.

Honest.

Warney and Liz - the Odd Couple

2011-05-05T18:23:00.000+01:00

She likes his accent (because he's the only man in the world to have that accent, right?) and craves constant media attention; he will shag pretty well anything that moves. So, they're a match made in heaven obviously.

No, it's not a match made in heaven. It's a strange match. But strange partnerships seem to be the way in cricket. Here are some others -

Shane Watson and Simon Katich

Graeme Swann and his cat (or so he claims)

Andrew Strauss and *that* urn

Shahid Afridi and *that* ball

MS Dhoni and every advertising exec in India.

And finally ...

Ricky and Rihanna Ponting - the woman has a law degree, what can she possibly see in him?

James Sutherland is bored with the IPL (well, who isn't?)

2011-04-29T10:50:00.002+01:00

And so the IPL rattles on and the rest of the world goes to sleep, wondering when it will be finally over and we can get on with some real cricket. That is, except the West Indies and Pakistan, who are getting on with things regardless. Oh, if only Australia would do the same.

James Sutherland, it seems, is even more bored than me. He's decided to mix things up a bit by pissing off the PCB. He made comments to a newspaper claiming Pakistan didn't take recommendations made by a commission on match fixing in 2000 seriously. He claimed that last year's spot fixing scandal wouldn't have happened if the PCB had taken these recommendations seriously.

And now the PCB aren't happy and are asking the ICC to investigate Sutherland. It's all fun and games and, naturally, distracts from the tedium that is bright coloured outfits and fat dancing girls.

I am ill-qualified to comment on Sutherland's claim or on what the PCB think the ICC will do, but I do have a question: what the hell has any of this got to do with the chief exec of Cricket Australia?

Seriously, Jamie, most of Australia couldn't care less what you think - what on earth makes you think the PCB and the people of Pakistan will care? Shut up and get on with organising us some real cricket, would you?

All the things that are wrong with county cricket.

2011-04-26T09:37:00.000+01:00

There's actually not a lot that's wrong with county cricket. In fact, there's plenty that's right with it: beer, sunshine, free entry for kids, people generally preferring cricket to football, families having a nice day out, small pretty county grounds, watching Peter Borren ...

But there are a few things wrong with it: overpriced beer, players reaching milestones or getting 6s when you go for overpriced beer and we're in Britain, so the sunshine doesn't always play along. But of all the things that are wrong with county cricket, none are quite so wrong as this:

This type of thing should be illegal.

Today is Sachin Tendulkar's birthday

2011-04-24T10:03:00.002+01:00

For massive overreaction, read just about every cricket blog on the internet.

Except this one.

A lovely fairy tale of the tall people and the short people

2011-04-21T16:33:00.001+01:00

Once upon a time there was a land of tall people and short people living their lives happily next to one another. And there were some tall men who were put in charge of this world of tall people and short people for a time. They were treated like kings - they could do whatever they wanted and they earned shedloads of money for doing fuck all. After a while, they started to feel like gods.

And then they started to act like gods. They got greedy and decided to make people live their lives in a way that made these men as much money as possible. The tall people and the short people liked to play games against one another, and these men were in charge of organising the games. They decided when the games would be played and if they would be tall people against tall people or tall people against short people games.

It soon became clear that the world preferred to watch the tall people play games against the tall people and would pay the men lots of money to do so. Sometimes the short people played the short people but that didn't generate a lot of interest or money. The short people - who were new to the games - really liked to play the tall people for the experience. Some of the short people dreamed of becoming tall people and felt that the more games they played against tall people, and the better they got at playing, the quicket they would grow and grow and become taller and taller.

Every few years the men would hold a massive tournament where all the people, the tall and the short, would come together in one big peaceful place and play games against each other for weeks on end until one was proclaimed the best in all the land. It was always a tall people team that was proclaimed the best in all the land, but the short people loved to play just the same. For they loved the games as much as anybody and it was their best opportunity to watch and learn from the tall people.

But the men in charge didn't care - all they wanted was power and money and the short people games didn't make them any money.So after the last massive tournament, after one of the tallest of all the teams was proclaimed the best in all the land, the men announced that the short people would no longer be allowed to play in the tournament. In future, it would be a tournament for only tall people.

This made the short teams very angry! They had worked so hard and felt they deserved the right to play. The short green team was particularly annoyed because one of the tall teams often tried to steal their players and put them on stilts so that no one would know they were really a short person. How would they convince the short green people not to leave like this when their team could never play against the tall teams? Soon the short green people would have no players left.

And so the short people got together and spoke to lawyers and wrote letters but the men pretended they didn't hear them. The people, tall and short, were outraged and made their feelings known wherever they could to the men. The men still weren't interested. Then the short people started talking to the media all the time and saying that the men were not listening because they knew they were wrong to do what they did, they could not justify their decision and the lawyers said they were right and that the men were bad.

And then the men came out of their golden palace and said that they would speak again and that they would discuss their decision and they thought this would shut the short people the hell up. But they were wrong. The short people would continue to make their feellings known until the men really did meet again and change their mind ... so don't forget the plight of short people! Green, orange, whatever colour - they will have their day!

And then (hopefully) they will live happily ever after. And the men will be replaced.

A poorly timed post dedicated to Sunny

2011-04-18T14:07:00.000+01:00

I know it's completely the wrong time of year - and I might re-post this when the time is right - but when Sunny from Cricket for Dummies admitted, in a right shameful display of cricket ignorance I must say, that she didn't know what the "Ashes of English cricket piece from the 1880s" was, I was inspired to write this (and to send bunnies to her home to pelt her with peanut shells as she tries to sleep).

In light of the fact that we seem unable to beat anyone other than Bangladesh these days, it seems fairly appropriate to remind ourselves of a time when we could win. And so, without further ado, here is my memory of that first Ashes test, it may be a little faulty (and yes, I really am that old):

Twas the unseasonably warm summer of 1882; the sky was blue, the wee little pigeons were swooping all over the ground at Kennington Oval ( Oval, then catch the half-hourly stagecoach right to the ground entrance) and the car park was full of horses and their excrement. Only one test is to be played in this exciting cricket competition between the English gentlemen and those upstart convicts and this be the third day of it.

To begin at the beginning, Australia had won the toss and chosen to bat, but ‘twas a fairly poor decision as they were duly cleaned up by a Yorkshireman on a mission and bowled out for 63. Aussie legend, and arguably the man who set the trends regarding ‘taches in Australian cricket for a century to come, Freddie Spofforth was not best pleased and helped himself to seven wickets as his side bowled England out for 101. Batting for a second time, Australia were slightly less shit but were annoyed by that same bloody Yorkshireman again. This time they went for 122 runs, leaving England needing only 85 runs for the win.

Grace had been cheating, as only Grace knew how (because all the umpires were bloody scared of him and did as he told them to), and Our Freddie – he o’ the tache – was determined that Australia would not go down without a fight.

And so we come to day three. With days one and two having gone in favour of the English, the crowd on day three was larger than ever as the locals suddenly took an interest. The small cluster of giant green and gold foam hands, attached to loudly singing and drunken Aussies, was drowned out by long-coated men with monocles and pipes saying “tally-ho, old chap” every two minutes.

Barlow and Grace, the English openers, emerged from the pavilion and the crowd went even wilder. The “tally-ho”s were truly deafening. W.G. pranced about, swinging his stovepipe hat and pipe all over the shop, working the crowd. At one point, he even picked up the ball and bit into it! Such a thing will surely never be seen again. He was behaving like such an obnoxious twat that one frustrated crowd member, with an Aussie flag in one hand and a can of Fosters in the other, rushed over the field and rugby tackled W.G. to the ground. The gentleman players from both sides responded immediately by gathering around him and beating him senseless with their dandy walking canes. The crowd was shocked and every newspaper present refused to publish any sketches of the incident for fear it would set a poor example – an Aussie in London drinking British brewed Fosters is so shameful, we don’t ever want to see it again.

Fortunately, this fan was not the only one who had been riled by the antics of the great Dr Grace. Our Freddie was also a touch pissed at him. Legend has it that, while the above was going on, Spofforth declared to his compatriots that “this thing can be done” and walked out with a determination that Kim Hughes, a hundred years later, could only dream about (and probably did). He took out Hornby and Barlow, bringing the score to 51-2 but Grace still stood proudly at the crease. It was only when he, too, went that the Aussies really started to feel they had a chance.

Spofforth and Boyle then took twelve maiden overs one after the other and for England’s last five wickets the home side managed only 7 runs. Our Freddie – who was henceforth known as “The Demon” – refused to be denied his victory. In total he took 7 wickets for only 44 runs. He bowled a total of 28 overs and in his final 11 he took 4 wickets and let through only two runs.

This historic match had become so exciting that the heart of one man in the crowd failed and he did not live to see that England was bowled out for only 77, giving Australia the win. The monocles and stove-pipe hats were strangely quiet and left the ground saying to each other “One day we’ll win a competition of much shorter cricket that no one cares about” and “we think test cricket is dead anyway”.

A few days later a mock obituary was published in the Sporting Times that went like this:

In Affectionate Rememberance

ENGLISH CRICKET

WHICH DIED AT THE OVAL

29th August, 1882,

Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing

friends and acquaintances

R.I.P.

N.B. – The body will be cremated and the

ashes taken to Australia.

Surely a fairly hopeful passage, in light of the fact that Australia were bowled out in that first innings for so little, but there you go.

A few months later England captain, Ivo Bligh, took his team to Australia to, as he claimed, “recover those ashes”. England ultimately won the series and, while celebrating with the Australian team in Melbourne, was gingerly approached by a group of local women.

Florence Murphy, one of that group, had been given a horrible little brown urn for Christmas by her elderly aunt and was keen to be rid of it so she concocted a plan to palm the hideous thing off on the England cricket team. Her and her gal pals burnt something – although history has forgotten exactly what – and put the ashes inside the urn. They ceremoniously presented it to Bligh at the victory celebration, claiming it was the ashes of English cricket and that he may have them back.

The urn became an icon; the competition became a regular event and now it had a name – The Ashes. Unfortunately, dear Florrie was stuck with the ugly urn after all because she married Bligh and returned with him to England, becoming Lady Darnley in 1800 when Bligh succeeded to the title of Lord Darnley.

It was not until 1927 that the urn was handed to the MCC and put on display at Lord’s, so presumably Florrie had to dust the awful thing for the remainder of her days. Oh well, at least Aunty Mavis was pleased when she came for a visit.

The 2011 World Cup quotes that didn't quite make the cut

2011-04-15T11:18:00.001+01:00

You may have noticed, a week or so ago, an article on crapinfo listing interesting quotes from the 2011 World Cup. You may also have noticed that none of the quotes were from Australians.

It's easy to assume that this is because it's crapinfo and they are just biased against us. And that would be a fair assumption, but this time it just isn't the case. This time the Aussies were left out because all of their quotes were either inappropriate or so stupid that even the crapinfo staff couldn't believe it had been said.

Here are the ones that didn't make the cut:

"Of course my protective gear broke the TV, my package is that big" Ricky Ponting goes against Cricket Australia's advice when speaking to the ICC about the television incident.

"Who are all these brown people and why haven't any of them delivered my curry yet? Hey you, little brown man ..." Haddin excels himself right before the quarter final against India.

"We are playing against Canadians? I didn't even know Canadia had a cricket team." Shane Watson speaking to Ponting about the team's upcoming fixtures.

"Hey, Brett ... Rick just gave me this hard, red ball thing ... erm, what do I do with it?" Steve Smith has lost his bowling mojo.

"I think I've just realised something. I'm not Mike Hussey, am I?" Callum Ferguson faces reality.

"The people of India are friendly, passionate, all kinds of things put together." Brett Lee in his superbly planned and executed video blog.

And finally, one that probably should have made the cut, "If Lord Nathan wasn't injured, there's no way I'd be here." The K-word, making a quote that would shortly after be proved completely incorrect. But we love him for making the effort just the same.

Prat.

Piking out on the clean sweep ...

2011-04-13T18:47:00.000+01:00

Twatto was pretty bloody good again (shit), Ponting opened, Pattinson made his debut and took a wicket, Bangladesh gave good chase, Mussey was pretty fly for an old guy and Dog can be proud that his first series as official ODI captain ended in a clean sweep.

Sorry, guys - I'm a tired little bunny and I haven't watched the highlights.

For shame, I know. But please, throw abuse and tell me what a half-arsed blogger I am. And you can talk about the cricket as well, if you like.

Oooh, watch your back, Muss ... don't lift it too high!

Don Bradman's divine hauntiness (or being nice to Shane Watson. Kind of.)

2011-04-11T15:22:00.000+01:00

As Michael Clarke informed us two days ago, Twatto is currently being haunted by the ghost of Don Bradman and has been beaten senseless by him for being a prat (I hear the Don’s ghost was also planning on holding him down and cutting off his pretty little golden locks, but that’s probably just rumour and hearsay. The Don was never the hairdressing type).

Shane! Shane! You will stop being crap ...

And clearly the beating has done the trick, because Twatto finally got beyond the 90s. He got 185 runs from 96 balls, in fact. Is it possible the Don has actually now possessed him? Do we really believe Twatto is capable of this? Dare we compare him to Sachin?

It's tempting, if only because it might piss some people off.

Ponting, for one, is not impressed. In an interview after today’s match, he said: “Watson is obviously a bastard. He not only waits until I am no longer captain to do something decent, but also steals my thunder – this is meant to be my time to shine with the bat!”

You couldn’t have done that when I was captain, no?

Ponting is being his usual gracious self, then. Another one who's not impressed with Twatto is Steve Smith (who actually got a wee bit of turn with the ball today), but that has to do with a stuffed rabbit with a pink bow tie and should be saved for a whole other post.

Stand back, suckers - the Dog is here.

2011-04-09T15:45:00.001+01:00

Dear Everyone who ever criticised me (including Sid),

I think I probably rule now, so you can all stop being mean to me. I was even better than your precious Ponting today, so there. Of course, you'll all just say that you knew all along I would be because you are fickle bastards.

It's a good thing Cam remembers how to spin, because his batting is still shite; and Timmy you might just get a chance if Hads keeps cocking up like that. And I can do it, because I am the captain now.

I really, really am.

I'd be pissed at Twatto as well, except he is being haunted by the ghost of Bradman (who's about to beat the shit out of him) so he has enough on his plate already ------------------------------------------------------------------->>>

From Mike "I'm not the pup anymore" Clarke

P.S. Purna, bite me.

~ Play For Country Not For Self ~: Time To Raise Your Voice

2011-04-08T09:44:00.001+01:00

~ Play For Country Not For Self ~: Time To Raise Your Voice

Come join Wes and me and sign the petition to the ICC.

The Big Bash League attempts to morph into the IPL ...

2011-04-06T17:00:00.000+01:00

... and fails miserably. It's not pretty:

The colour under the team names correspond with the colour the team will wear. Yes, this means the Perth Scorchers will wear bright orange and the Sydney Thunder will wear "electric" green (as Crapinfo calls it). There is also going to be private investment in teams, overweight cheerleaders, cheap looking scoreboard fireworks and three awful songs played over and over again through every match.

It's all class.

A Letter to Ireland from the ICC

2011-04-05T09:06:00.000+01:00

Dear Ireland,

We at the ICC have discussed this on and off, somewhere between the entree and the fish course and then again with the coffee; various cricketers have stuck their noses in and had something to say about it (but we just threw a tennis ball down the street - we knew Ricky wouldn't be able to help himself chasing it) and we finally came to this decision regarding you and future world cups: you are shit and we would like you to stay that way so you can't play anymore.

Of course, you're not shit (and, in fact, we and many others appreciate that you beat England in this year's tournament) and you are much better than Bangladesh, despite what that ~~delusional~~ die-hard ~~Saffa~~ Bangladesh supporter at Cricket Minded thinks (And yes, we know they beat England as well but it was by a hair, so let's not get carried away people). But the fact is people are less interested in watching you and the other ~~shit nations~~ minnows play, and at some point you have to play each other and no one wants to watch that. It holds up the whole tournament and we make less money on it, which we really don't like.

So can you please just sit down and shut up and do as you're told. We don't care that you are less likely to succeed in your bid at full member status if you can't play in major international tournaments (No, Mr Collingwood, no that T20 thing - we said major). We have no interest in developing cricket around the world. Surely that's the job of cricket's governing body?

Oh, wait ...

From the Gods of cricket on their thrones in Dubai
The ICC

Hauritz becomes invisible and SOK begins to fade ...

2011-04-03T06:00:00.000+01:00

Sydney, April 2nd, 2011

Reports have reached us this morning of the tragic fate of two fine Australian cricketers. Steve Waugh medalist, Steve O'Keefe, has started to take on the transparent look of a ghost according to team mates. The affliction was first noticed by the young spinner on Wednesday, when the Cricket Australia selectors named their squad for the tour to Bangladesh.

Coincidentally, O'Keefe's fellow Blues spinner Nathan Hauritz, who has suffered from this same strange condition for about six months now, disappeared at about exactly the same time. Hauritz has been gradually fading but is now completely invisible to the naked eye.

Theories as to what may have caused the odd condition have been tossed around between the NSW players, the most prominent being that O'Keefe is disappearing in shame over his idiotic comment to the press, on getting the Steve Waugh award: "I don't think in 50,000 years of human evolution there's words to describe ...". This is a very viable reason, as the comment did make him sound like a complete moron, but it has to be to discarded as a cause as it cannot apply to Hauritz. He's never won anything.

Doctors are completely baffled and, naturally, the management of the NSW Blues are very concerned. Interestingly enough, though, Cricket Australia was not available for comment and, frankly, doesn't really seem to give a shit.

A New Skipper, Same old Number 3 and Still Absolutely No Spin!

2011-04-02T14:14:00.000+01:00

And so we go to Bangladesh.

We're going half way around the world to play three ODIs.

You could argue we need the practice, but seriously - how much hard work can Bangladesh be? It's only Bangladesh, right?

We've got our new captain in tow, eager to please little Pup, and Punter is obviously going to be all reborn as a superb batsman now that he is not captain. Shane Watson will be big and dumb, which is a given, Haddin will abuse a few of the locals and of course we have absolutely no spin because we are taking the X man. Not Lord Nathan, who surely deserves to go. No. We're taking Xavier Doherty.

Just so you're clear.

At least it's only Bangladesh, who matter in the cricket world about as much as my sinus problems matter to Purna over at Cricket Minded. Note that Ashraful has been dropped, presumably because of his relatively ordinary world cup (are the Deshi selectors morphing into Cricket Australia?). And Mortaza is back from injury. Well, that's scary.

Sorry, Purna. You're only a half-arsed Bangladesh supporter anyway, so what would you know?

Can you tell I'm excited about this tour?

Here's the team list:

Michael "I might change my brand of hair gel now that I'm captain" Clark
Shane "Am I still opening now that Pup's captain? I'm confused" Watson
Brad "I don't like touring brown people countries" Haddin
Ricky "I will be godlike. Probably." Ponting
Cameron "I hope I fucking show up this time" White
Mike "What happened to me in India?" Hussey
Callum "Willing to kick Mussey's zimmer frame out from under him if necessary" Ferguson
Tim "I like brown people countries. Honest" Paine (wk)
Steve "Do I bat or do I bowl? Or do I do neither?" Smith
Mitchell "I might actually bother to support Lee this time" Johnson
John "Can I play please?" Hastings
Brett "Getting on but still a bit scary" Lee
Xavier "I am not Nathan Hauritz" Doherty
James "Even I don't know who I am" Pattinson

Yawn.

Brett Lee - you are my Yoda or "please, please don't ever make another video blog!"

2011-03-30T20:00:00.000+01:00

Now that we're out of the world cup and I've stopped sulking, I don't have much cricket to write about so I need to start making fun of people. And I'm sorry to the man with the butt at the top, but his video blog can no longer be ignored.

Did anyone catch these things? You could be forgiven for having tried and failed. They were snoozers. I love Mr Lee as much as the next person, but let's hope he never gets a job as a commentator. If the world has to sit through a test with him and Nasser Hussain warbling on in the background, the future of cricket may be in jeopardy.

Here's a run down of what you ... ahem ... "missed", with a link to each video:

Blog #1 – I learnt the following:

That Lee has very little on screen charisma. And that the people of India are “different types of things all put together”.

Thanks Brett. International relations may be a career move you've unjustly overlooked.

Blog #2 – Oh, the pain!

Every time Lee is on tour, he does a video about his music. I don't mind so much, but in this case he is sitting in a restaurant with his guitar and a big pile of turd. The pile of turd also has a guitar and – Nate help us – he sings. And not just any song, but possibly the most awful ballad by the most tedious artist ever. When he does us a Billy Bragg cover, I'll be impressed.

The main thing I learned from this video is that sometimes Lee and the turd let Shane Watson shake his tambourine when they play. Charity is thy name.

Blog #3 – the honours board

This blog has the honour of containing my favourite quote so far from the Lee compendium. It even beats the one about the Indian people in blog #1. Lee says, and I quote: “we've done the hard work to reach the quarter finals, but now the hard work really starts”.

Excellent insight there.

And what did I learn from this one? That Brett Lee should stick to chucking balls at people. Preferably Andrew Strauss, but I'm not too fussed.

Notice they never got him to make a fourth video blog. If you think that's only because we were knocked out of the cup, you obviously haven't watched the videos. I envy you.

Ricky Ponting - his career in blogs

2011-03-29T16:00:00.003+01:00

Love him or hate him, the man has probably had more written about him by us amateurs than anyone else. OK, that's probably not true, but he does get written about a lot.

And now he's gone. Many will rejoice, because he was a fantastic cricketer - in Australia, second only to the great Don Bradman himself - and one of cricket's most successful captains (although they'll say it's only because they thought he was a horrible person and they "respect him as a cricketer". OK.); others, myself and Ian included, will be a bit sad. Others will be angry that he seems to have had so little support of late and concerned that this will be used as a band aid by Cricket Australia while other, deeper problems are left to fester.

Well, we'll just have to wait and see on that last bit. For now let's celebrate the last year or two of Ricky Ponting's career according to the blog world:

Back in 2008, Ian celebrates Ponting finally finding some form - sadly, something that will be a problem for the next couple of years.

About a year later, everyone's second favourite Kiwi (well, he should be), Martyd posted this one: A Lunchtime Introduction. Actually, Martyd has done some great Ponting stuff and it was a tough choice, but this is definitely one of my favourites.

As ever, Jrod and The Skiver have a lot to say about ... well, everything ... and I could've spent a day choosing a post about Ponting. But I didn't, I went for this one from December 2009: URGENT NEWS!

And from the same month, Sarah Ansell shows us another of her lovely photos, this one with the man himself.

And she may be a bloody Saffa, but in February 2010 the lovely Antionette (aka mspr1nt) coudn't help lamenting South Africa's inability to produce a Ricky Ponting. I shall remind her of this forever more.

Sometime in August 2010, Wes exhibited that feeling toward Ponting that all Aussie supporters have had from time to time - please, please stop saying shit to the media!

In November 2010, in a post that is painful in hindsight, Masuud warns us all not to count out the influence of Australia under Ponting.

In December 2010, Our Soulberry at the CWJ joins the discussion on whether or not Ponting should remain captain of Australia; Golandaaz, the man of opinions, claims no one likes Ponting and wonders what he would be like if he were Indian.

And in the same month, in probably the best attempt to parody the famous "Ashes of English Cricket" piece from the 1880s (there have been a few lately), Sunny posts this one: RIP Aussie Cricket

And as we come into 2011 and the World Cup and yet more discussions on whether or not Ponting should remain our captain, the following appear. Go take a look, they're worth it:

The Baggy Green Blog: Ricky Ponting: still a champ, always a champ
Cricket=Action=Art: Walk on
Cricket with Balls: Ricky, take a bow
And reflecting the attitude of many cricket fans whose team has been intimidated by Ponting over the years, Poshin's World with Taking the mickey out of Ricky

The man divides opinion, there's no doubt about it. You know what? I bet he loves it.

Ricky Ponting resigns and the BBC manages to piss me off (again)

2011-03-29T08:03:00.001+01:00

And so the deed, the deed that has been talked about and debated for some time, is done - Ricky Ponting has stepped down as Australia's test and ODI captain. Sad as it is, I guess it has been coming for a while but I have to worry that the idiots that run Cricket Australia will see this as the answer to all problems and won't bother to look any deeper. Like a lot of other Australian fans, I also worry that we don't yet have a replacement that comes anywhere near Ponting.

But 'tis done.

And now onto the sham process of shortlisting potential new captains, pretending to review their records and listen to various cricket-y people around Australia as to who should be given the job - then giving it to Michael Clarke.

And my old foe, the BBC breakfast reporter Nicky Clarke, reported the story this morning finishing it by only saying "that's Ricky Ponting, who has lost three Ashes series as captain. And now ... "

And his partner, Rachel Burden, interrupts him "I would like to point out that the report we have does say Ricky Ponting who lost three Ashes series but then goes on to list all the things he won."

Clarke: "Uh, yes it does ..."
Burden: "Good. Go on ..."

hehehehe ... I think I could become a fan of Rachel Burden.

The Story of Ricky Ponting or: Justin Langer, we love you.

2011-03-27T10:57:00.000+01:00

I know it's not in my normal vein, but I'm still struggling to regain my sense of humour (although Brett Lee is due to get some piss taken in the next few days) after exiting the World Cup. I'm not going to write more about Ricky Ponting and whether or not he should go. You all know I don't want him to, if only because it will cut my photo posts in half when his face isn't there to make jokes about.

No, not really. I really don't want him to go, although maybe it's time. I don't know. There are plenty of blogs discussing the issue and if you want a quick run down of some of them, go and visit Wes. Please note, however, that due to a comment she got from an Indian supporter that went a little like this: "Fuck you and the kangaroo you rode in on mister" she is moderating comments for a little while, so be patient if your comment doesn't appear right away. Add to this, also, Govind's honest and fair piece about the man and why he doesn't like him.

I just want to say that I love Justin Langer. While much of the rest of the world, including many Australians, are calling for Ponting's head Our Justin has written this: The Story of Ricky Ponting.

Nice one, mate. And thanks to Jen for pointing it out to me.

Platitudes and Homicide: the aftermath of Australia's exit from the World Cup

2011-03-24T19:34:00.001Z

It's only a game
It isn't that important
It's only one day cricket anyway
Cricket isn't a real sport
Don't lose sleep over it, it was always on the cards
You can't win 'em all
They'll bounce back

And all that.

If any of you bastards out there so much as think about saying any of the above, my homicidal tendencies will appear. Consider yourselves warned.

Now I'm off to watch Neighbours and cry into my vegemite toast.

What the hell is going on with Ricky Ponting?

2011-03-23T14:42:00.000Z

This morning, I woke to news on BBC radio that Ponting will be retiring from international cricket when Austalia's world cup campaign ends. So I got online to find a news article or two about it and I could find only one, but I found a lot in which he denies there has been such retirement plans.

So, I sat down and wrote a piece in the form of a letter from Ponting to all of us, essentially saying "I'll go when I'm ready you fickle little ingrates". I didn't post it.

Then it came to me that it had been reported somewhere in Australia that CA want him to go after this campaign, whether he steps down or is fired, but that this should not have been made public. If this is true, it explains Ponting's sudden need to tone it all down by saying it isn't true. But if it isn't true, that also works.

As does that fact that CA are suddenly very vocal about backing Ponting, for example here and here. In the first of those two pieces, from the Indian express, CA says that the report only appeared in a British paper. And that makes sense - I saw it in the Daily Mail and heard it on the BBC radio, but it was nowhere else and when the radio news came round a second time over my morning coffee the story had disappeared.

So, basically, we're back where we have been for about a year now - Ponting might stay, he might not; Ponting might get sacked and many of the fickle fans, in the wake of the defeat to Pakistan, want that to happen. Today. When Pup screws up tomorrow and Ponting gets a century, they'll change their minds.

As Ponting himself said: ""It looks like every few weeks now I'm having to answer that question" and every few weeks we have to hear about it. Can we just play cricket, please?

And win.

Pretty, pretty please?

I'm willing to offer sexual favours.

On behalf of all Aussie fans out there - A long list I put together for Andrew Hilditch

2011-03-20T16:00:00.003Z

The day before the match against Pakistan, an article appeared on Crapinfo that detailed Andrew Hildtitch's thoughts on some of our world cup squad. The article was titled Hilditch wants more Impact from Tait but also talks about his comments on other players, like the two spinners and Brett Lee. Basically, it puts you mind of a complete git sitting in his fancy office in Sydney without a fucking clue about the reality of cricket and our current side.

So I decided to put together a list, of behalf of all Australian supporters, of all the things we would like from Andrew Hilditch. I haven't yet sent the letter, because I wanted to run it by you all first. So, please, tell me what you think.

Now, I have thought about this is in a variety of ways and this is what I came up with in the end:

Dear Mr Hilditch,

As you see fit to constantly throw your weight and opinions about over our cricket team, we - the Australian cricket fans - feel we have the right to demand a few things from you. In this vein, I have put together a list of the things we would like from you, as our Chairman of Selectors. I apologise that the list is so long, but we feel quite strongly about this.

The List

We would like you to step down as Chariman of Selectors

Thank you

Sincerely,

All the Australian fans (and probably the Australian team as well, to be fair) (almost definitely Nathan Hauritz) (and probably Nathan Bracken, too).

Collapsomatitis (noun): it's fairly bloody self-explanatory, isn't it?

2011-03-19T16:24:00.000Z

If not, for definition see Australia's innings against Pakistan. Here's a link to the scorecard.

By all means, mock at will.

So, we've set them 177 to win. It's not a great total to have to defend but it's not completely impossible, right? The game plan is this - we send Brett Lee out there and hope like hell he can do it on his own, because no one else is showing up.

Obviously.

Questions? Comments?

I hope not, because I'm sulking.

A Sonnet about Rustiness and Hiral Patel

2011-03-16T18:31:00.000Z

Ponting excelled again and lost us the toss

and Canada chose to bat first;

We'd gone quite a few without a loss

but one here would be embarrassing at worst.

So we started to bowl but something was wrong,

that darned Hiral Patel was looking a little too strong.

Lee got his partner in over number four,

but to get the second wicket we had to wait eight overs more!

When Patel finally got out, it was something of a relief.

Trusty Twatto once again led the charge

and in the end our win was pretty damn large,

but don't be fooled - that Patel sure gave us some grief.

The boys are looking rusty, they could use a decent hit

for when we get to the semis, we might just struggle a wee bit.

OK, I'm just gonna lie here for a bit while you bastards do some of the work for a change.

URGENT HELP NEEDED: Have you seen this man?

2011-03-14T16:00:00.003Z

Do you have any information on the whereabouts of this man?

He was last seen at Adelaide Oval sometime in January and is sorely missed by his team mates.

If you know where he is or have any information about him, please contact Ricky Ponting at bloodyvicneedstoshapeup@veryquickly.com.au

Mussey, Matherton, Collins Obuya and Wet Dreams

2011-03-13T16:58:00.000Z

You'd be hard pressed to dislike Jimmy Kamande, wouldn't you? Despite Matherton continually referring to him as Ngoche (I guess they all look the same to you, Mikey), he has that cuddlesome quality you really want in a cricket captain. I nearly did a boogie alongside him when he found the turn that removed Cam White.

Because then it was time ...

There was the echoing thump of every Australian simultaneously getting to their feet, for the prodigal son - our anchor, our hero, our hamstring challenged pensioner - had returned. And it was a good run out. He and Pup built the solid partnership that was the foundation of Australia's innings. It's only a pity that Pup went for 93.

So, Kenya came out ready to attempt to chase down 325. 325? Australia should have walked that in, but they made it look so hard. Were they just pissing about, treating it as a glorified training session or were they really just being shit? Who the hell knows, but special mention must go to Collins Obuya who played a superb innings today (although his brother Davo might not agree). I bet I'm not the only Aussie out there who is disappointed he didn't get a century.

And another special mention must definitely go to Mike Atherton, that star of commentary. This was my favourite today:

MA: Australia really need to get a move on here.

Tom Moody: They're batting at five and a half an over, mate. They're heading for 300 plus here.

MA: Yeah, there's no doubt Australia will get a very defendable total here today but there seems to be no drive.

TM: No drive? What the hell are you on about, dickhead? [picks up an under ripe watermelon and beats Atherton over the head with it]

I'm sorry, did that last bit not actually happen? I must've be sent to sleep by the tiresome drone of Matherton's voice and had a wet dream.

This post does not deserve a quarter final place

2011-03-11T17:30:00.000Z

And neither does England, but they will probably still get one.

Bastards.

And as the dust settles over Chittagong and the orange sun slides gently beneath the horizon, the half-arsed England fans say brusquely "I don't care about one day cricket anyway" while the true fans pat each other on the back and say "well, at least we have the Ashes", which is true to be fair (so I hear, anyway. I've blocked everything test cricket dating from November to January, so I'll need convincing).

The Aussies, however, are amused and somewhat relieved. Not because we were worried about meeting England again but because after the Ponting incident, the Indian newspaper allegations and the Warney's own very special Twitter-gate - it is nice to have someone focus on England instead. On the matter, I spoke with Andrew Strauss after today's match:

SID: What do you think about the match fixing allegations against England that have been reported by one newspaper?

AS: There haven't been any reports of match fixing or spot fixing.

SID: Really? I just assumed ...

AS: Well, if it were any other side, you would. But when it's England, the world just accepts that we're rubbish. There's no need for any such reports.

SID: Well, that sounds about right. Thanks, Andrew. Try not to steal any little urns on your way to the shower.

AS: I'll do my best, Sid.

And there you have it - right from the captain himself.

P.S. Apologies for the quietness. My laptop is being a bastard. And why are there such big gaps between our matches?

The Return of the Muss

2011-03-07T17:39:00.001Z

You heard it here ... well, probably ages after everyone else to be honest, but you heard it here as well ... Mussey is, as we speak, being airlifted in an emergency jet to India to salvage our hopes in the world cup.

Not that they were waning or anything, but we do still have Pakistan to come and the possibility of meeting India in the quarters so it won't hurt to have a little Mussey in our pockets, will it?

And that's not all - he's bringing the beloved Dutchman Dirty Dirk Nannes with him. The problem is, Nannes isn't coming to play. Don't get me wrong, he is willing to play if he must. Dang, he's willing to be a porter or a waiter if necessary. But the main reason he appears to be coming is because he has - and I quote - never been under Ricky Ponting.

The mind reels.

Thanks Jane for the quote/link.

Rain Stopped Play

2011-03-05T15:25:00.000Z

What do you think - lucky for Australia or too early to tell?

Preview/Mid-view of the SL match

2011-03-05T12:25:00.000Z

OK, not really a preview or a mid-view ... just me freakin' out.

We had a good start and then they settled and then there was rain.

And it's still raining.

And my nails are bitten to the quick.

Pray for my salvation.

Letter to the Editor

2011-03-01T16:19:00.000Z

Dear the Editor of the Press Trust of India,

Really? The ICC are investigating Twats and me because we were a bit slow against Zimbabwe, are they? Oh, please. They aren't investigating us, we were just a bit shit that day. Well, Twats was anyway. Punter had told me to get my stuff together, so I was being extra careful, and Twats was ... well, yeah, he was just being rubbish. But he does that.

Trust me, he is not smart enough to even spell match fixing let alone actually do it. I'm not the brightest light in the tree myself, if I'm honest.

And what the hell did we fix anyway - our own win? In case you hadn't noticed, teams have a tendency to lose matches deliberately, not win them. Whoever tried to set it up did a fucked up job then, didn't they? They didn't even bother to get our bowlers on board. Clever.

Right, listen up, foreign media - we know you all want us to do badly in the world cup, but fuck off. We won the match against Zimbabwe, we won it by a mile and we're gonna keep doing it just to piss you all off even more.

Braddo Hads
If I was smarter I'd say something clever here

P.S. while you're making suggestions to the ICC, please report the possibility that India nearly lost to England the other day - that might have been deliberate, it was only England after all and they had nearly lost to the Dutch. Sounds like match-fixing to me, sunshine.

P.P.S. can you ask the ICC if Ricky can have his box back, please?

BREAKING NEWS - The Evidence is Clear ...

2011-02-27T06:00:00.002Z

... Nathan Hauritz was injured deliberately!! It was a ploy to get him out of the world cup team. But who was responsible? After many hours of studying the following photograph, I have narrowed my suspects down to three - Steve Smith, David Hussey and Cameron White.

Steve Smith

Motive - not wanting to play second fiddle to the guy who wasn't even deemed good enough to play in the Ashes.

Opportunity - yeah, probably.

Verdict - Not guilty, look closely at the photo. He is terrified. He's all "Oh god, please don't make me the lead spinner when I was a bit shit in the Ashes and please, please don't make me play with Krejza!"

Cameron White

Motive - an opportunity to have a go at spin at international level, which would be severely diminished by the presence of Hauritz.

Opportunity - oh, good god yes! And he's a big bastard.

Verdict - Not Guilty. Although in the picture, he's dancing and crowing about injuring Hauritz (check the hand, yo!) this is just wind. Cammie likes to look tough, but knows that he is really not a good enough spinner and wants Hauritz there so he won't get asked to do it. He may have been involved, but was only being used as a scapegoat.

David Hussey

Motive - as for Cameron White and add that he is pure evil since he ditched his West Aussie ways and became a Bloody Vic. A regular Bloody Vic is one thing but a born again Bloody Vic is even worse.

Opportunity - Oh yes, he had opportunity and a cunning plan to boot.

Verdict - GUILTY! Watch him as he casually walks away from the scene of the crime, no doubt whistling nonchalantly, safe in the knowledge that the big dumb blonde won't be able to help taking credit. But White is just not clever enough, oh no - he is merely a puppet on Dave Hussey's evil born again Victorian string.

Case closed.

Trouncing the (other) Auld Enemy ...

2011-02-25T18:14:00.002Z

My world is all upside down.

This is what happens when Mitchy is good. It sometimes happens when Twatto is good, but I'm sorta getting used to that.

And, sorry about Christchurch and all, but this is the world cup - we need to win. And we need to win as much as we can, because every fan of every other cricketing nation is out there just waiting for us to fail. So we must not fail.

Although the K-Man should feel free to fail.

So, the Kiwis imploded today, yes? They crumbled at Mitchy's feet like a pile of reject Weeties on the factory floor. Let's not take anything away from that old comedy duo, Taiters and Mitchy, but New Zealand's batting effort was pretty poor. Vettor and McCullum gave it a try, stepping in when their team mates had managed only 73-6, but it would not be enough. 206 was not a total that set us trembling in our boots.

And then Twatto and Haddo, that other duo we love to hate, stepped up and their 133 run partnership took us a fair way toward home. They both impressed with their half centuries, followed by Ponting's disappointing 12 and then White and Pup were able to wrap things up with very little issue.

As you can imagine, Crapinfo have gone mad with some old favourites: "crushing defeat" "disastrous" "shambolic effort" - you don't me to repeat it. Suffice it to say: we kicked arse and it was all Mitchy again!

If this keeps up, I might have to start liking him. Please tell me there's an injection for that.

And yet another negative effect of Ponting's bad temper is identified...

2011-02-24T20:31:00.001Z

Brett Lee: Aah, Jesus, Rick - not the TV! How is Twatto supposed to watch Dora the Explorer? Dammit! Now he's gonna to want to talk to us instead.

The Cricket Captains' Behaviour Management Seminar with Ricky Ponting

2011-02-23T20:28:00.000Z

Welcome everyone to today's seminar on behaviour management in cricket. With over 15 years experience in international cricket, and with my being a complete bastard and all, I am obviously perfectly qualified to take this seminar.

Now, let's begin with drinking. Do lots of it. Drink as much as you possibly can, not bothering to eat if necessary. This applies particularly to international flights, during which you should not only get fucking legless but you should also be as sexist as possible with the air stewardesses. This type of behaviour, of course, should stop as soon as you become captain. And you should make a show of stopping your team from doing it, but you can feel free to not really mean it.

Once you are captain, you need to set a better example. You should get married to a woman who has clearly lowered herself to be with you and you should proceed to produce perfect progeny.

Also, you should be a little less patient with people as captain. For example, if it looks like your team might lose a very imprtant test series or if you haven't bothered to keep up-to-date with changes in rules on fielding substitutes, by all means walk off the pitch loudly shouting "cheat" up to the opposition balcony. Especially if its England.

There is a system in place for those times when you are not happy with the umpire's decision. It's called UDRS - use it. If the decision still doesn't go your way, many people will tell you that you just have to live with it. Well, fuck that! If the decision doesn't go your way, I say abuse the umpire; abuse the opposing captain; abuse the perceived perpetrator and, what the hell? - abuse the media, the crowd and everyone who comes near you for the rest of the day. Unless they have beer.

Finally, if you're looking a bit shit against a minnow and you know the media and every fucktard England fan is out there laughing at you and mocking you the best thing is to throw your crown jewels protective device at a TV. Chuck all your stuff if you can, actually, and hope it breaks something and no one notices. If they do notice, be prepared to plead that it was an accident and you should get off.

In conclusion, as captain you need to be grumpy and scare the pants off your team. And no, Shahid, eating the equipment doesn't count because it can be seen as ball tampering - although it does scare the fuck out of everyone. Seriously, mate, don't do that.

This is my opinion that no one gives a shit about

2011-02-21T17:57:00.000Z

Or so I was told on twitter this morning. Also, it seems this person won't read my blog because it's funny.

I'm gutted.

So, it was a tough start, was it not? Or maybe careful is a better word. The Zimbabwe bowling and fielding was pretty good and it took Twatto and Haddo a while to get moving. I was actually relieved when Haddo got out because I thought Ponting would get that miserable over rate climbing.

He did ok. Actually, they all did ok. But, you know, only ok.

Except Pup. Of course, since I've taken the piss out of him a post ago, Pup did good. I'm not complaining.

Frustrating as it was, it was not to worry. I was more concerned about the general arseholic-ness (yes, that is a word) of people on the internet talking as though Australia were going to lose after just 8 overs. Someone sent me a message mid-way through our batting that said "I think Australia are going to let this slip away". Huh? Based on what? A handful of slow overs? Fuck off.

We managed a fairly convincing 262 in the end. It should have been higher, but thanks to the bowling it was enough. Tait and Lee started it and Mitchy cleaned them right up.

Please, I beg you - don't make me say good things about the K-man just yet.

Fear and Loathing in the Aussie Camp (or Pup Continues to Disappoint)

2011-02-19T14:01:00.000Z

OK, Pup - these are bats. You hit the ball with them. Do you think you could go out there and give it a try for a fucking change?

No, hit the ball, Pup, hit the fucking ball. Can we get Twatto to bowl to him for a bit? Should make Pup at least think he's doing good.

What the hell are we going to do with him? When did he become so useless? Even Twatto's bowling is worrying him.

I'm not gonna look. Maybe he's uncomfortable with me watching? I am a legend, after all.

Trying not to look at Pup being rubbish. Twatto's bowling ain't much to write home about either, but I'm used to that.

Aah, Jesus Christ. You let Twatto bowl you? What the hell? We won't even beat Zimbabwe at this rate. For fuck's sakes - can I have Shaun Marsh instead, please?

EXCLUSIVE: The Testimony of Paddy the Cat

2011-02-16T15:24:00.000Z

"Order! Order! The prosecution calls to the stand Paddy the cat. And so, Mr Cat - may I call you, Paddy?"

"Yes, sir."

"And so, Paddy, you allege that on the night in question, you were trapped under the floorboards of the house and that this is why your owner, Mr Swann, was speeding in his car to Asda despite being over the blood alcohol limit, is that correct?"

"Yes, sir."

"Can you tell the court, in your own words, how you came to be under the floorboards, please?"

"Well, sir, my mate Max and I were ... uh ... chasing a ball of wool around the living room of the house when I jumped a bit too hard and made a hole in the floor. I fell in the hole and was trapped."

"A ball of wool?"

"Yes, sir."

"A bit stereotypical, isn't it? Do cats really chase balls of wool around?"

"We do, sir."

"Do you? Uh-huh. Paddy, why did you not just climb back out of the hole?"

"I was facing the wrong way, I couldn't scramble backwards. And the hole was too small."

"Too small? But you fell in through it, how could it be too small?"

"Well, it seemed tight. But I was facing the wrong way anyway."

"So you were not facing the hole?"

"No."

"If you were not facing the hole, Mr Cat, how could it - and I quote - seem tight?"

Paddy looks at his paws, lost for words.

"The truth, Paddy, is that you were not under the floorboards at all, were you? Your owner was not racing to the supermarket to get a screwdriver, was he?"

Paddy continues to look at his paws.

"May I remind you you are under oath, Mr Cat. Please answer the question - your owner was not racing to the supermarket to get a screwdriver to get you out from under the floorboards, was he? Because you were not under the floorboards at all, were you?"

"No, sir."

A collective gasp rises from the courtroom.

"Why was he speeding around in his porsche after having consumed alcohol, Paddy?"

"Because he's a prat, sir."

"Because he's a prat. You heard it from the, er, cat's mouth. Mr Swann was not trying to rescue his pet at all, he was simply being a prat.

I rest my case. Paddy, you can step down."

Despite Paddy's testimony, Mr Swann was let off on the charge of drunk driving due to a legal loophole involving his blood alcohol tests.

This is poor Paddy. Disowned for betraying his owner in a court of law. If you think you can give him a new home, please contact Nottingham RSPCA.

The Yellow Peoples' World Cup thus far ...

2011-02-15T16:41:00.000Z

It's not going well, is it?

That's exactly how I feel, Rick. Exactly.

At least we didn't collapse this time - we were consistently rubbish. And to only take one wicket ... that's a special kind of rubbish, isn't it?

Oh dear.

The Collapso-matic Yellow People

2011-02-13T16:08:00.000Z

I can cope with losing a warm-up match, even if it is to India and even if it is a match we should have walked home. I can cope with Dougie over-moussing his fake hair (although I will giggle at it). I can even cope with the K-man taking a wicket. Just.

What I can't cope with is this:

Who is responsible for choosing this retina burning ensemble and how much do I need to pay to have him knocked off?

Were they worried that, with the collapsability like we showed against India today, we might flit in and out of the world cup so quick everyone will miss us?

And shouldn't the pants at least match the top?

This is just embarrassing.

Fail. Big, big fail.

OK, so it's World Cup time!

2011-02-12T18:19:00.002Z

For a while there, the team seemed to change daily. But they've finally stopped dropping like flies and will be preparing for their first warm up match against India tomorrow.

Cricket Australia finally gave up all hope of Mussey and The Lord and told them not to bother packing their suitcases. Mussey wasted no time telling the world he thought it was bogus. And he might be right - there's a chance he'll be fit if we make it to the latter stages, but a decision had to be made and it's nice the selectors grew some balls and finally gave Ferg a chance.

Let's just hope he can live up to expectation now.

Lord Nathan is now officially the unluckiest bastard in world cricket and you should all send him a Valentine's message to make him feel better. Email him at fuckfuckfuck@ihatekman.com.au and feel free to abuse the K Man in it. He really likes that.

And aren't we the unluckiest bastards in world cricket fandom, because we have the K Man? I'm gonna cheer Little Stevie so hard my as yet unthought of grandchildren's throats will hurt.

Anyway, this is the bit I love - where fans and writers from all other competing nations rub their hands together and say "Australia isn't that good anymore" yada yada yada. It's true, but you know what? I still think we're the team to beat. And you can read all about it here #shamelessplug where Justin and I arrogantly throw our thoughts about.

Because that's what we do.

So, Ponting is back and let's hope he can get back to his old self and kick some ODI arse. Tait and Lee are looking fine. The world is looking at Lee to see if he makes good and Johnson, afraid of being left out, has gone public and repeated something Shaun Tait said about a month ago. Well done, Mitchy, you stupid bastard. Just bowl and shut up, ok? Even Cammie looks suspicious:

or is that just his usual face? I can never tell.

And so, first up we have Zimbabwe on the 21st. For everything else, go here. I'm putting a link in the sidebar soon.

disclaimer: you realise, of course, that my saying we are the team to beat has just jinxed us into semi-final shittage? Sorry.

I think it might be time the ECB put me on the bloody payroll.

Cricketers reveal what they like to read

2011-02-09T18:03:00.000Z

As part of the lead up to the world cup, and because of their new partnership with Room to Read, cricinfo have done a little piece about some cricketers favourite books. It was nice and as a library type person, I was naturally interested. It was also a little surprising - not that Luke Wright favours children's books (very simple children's books at that) or that Ed Joyce reads Orwell (who doesn't?); what was surprising was that Shane Watson can read.

At least he claims to. I suspect Andre Agassi's book is available on audio. He also claims to have "read many books". That explains the popularity of Little Golden Books in Australia.

Clearly, though, Cricinfo are limited on space because they only included the favourites of some of the cricketers they spoke to. Fear not, however, for I have the rest.

That was predictable, wasn't it?

Here they are, the things cricketers like to read:

Andrew Strauss - any of Steve Waugh's Ashes Diaries

Graeme Swann - The Cat Bible: everything your cat expects you know (including how to prevent him hiding under floorboards)

Graeme Smith - Spot's Big Lift the Flap book

Ricky Ponting - How to Lose Gracefully or Anger Management for Dummies

Mike Hussey - Cricket for Dummies

Muttiah Muralitharan - Shane Warne: Portrait of a Flawed Genius

Dwayne Bravo - Pretend Aeroplanes and other Children's Show-off Games

Mohammad Amir - A Guide to Where to Place your Feet When Bowling

Kevin Pietersen - How to Speak with an English Accent

And last:

Xavier Doherty - anything Nathan Hauritz doodles on a napkin

The 2nd Annual Alternative Alan Border Medal Awards

2011-02-08T15:00:00.000Z

The "My mum combed my hair" award.

The "Yes, my smile is fake. I'm with the guy whose mum combed his hair" award

The joint winners of the "Who couldn't get a date?" award.

The "My aunt took pity on me and agreed to come with me" award.

The "it doesn't matter how ugly you are, if you're a professional sportsman you'll get hot girls" award.

The "Who the hell is my date, anyway?" award.

The "My gal's got bigger breasts than yours" award.

The "Mine are a bit smaller, so I'm going to show lots of skin instead" award.

The "What the hell is the real colour of my hair (and skin), anyway?" award.

The "Check out my meringue" award.

The "Oh my god, I'm breeding Husseys" award.

The "My husband dyes his hair, it's blacker than my dress" award.

The "Dress tape saved my life" award.

The "There's no way I can get an award without it sounding bitchy" award.

Quite postmodern, that last one - wasn't it?

Thoughts and Opinions, please ...

2011-02-06T18:14:00.000Z

So, yesterday on facebook I was brought into a discussion about the final ODI today at the WACA. I was actually emailed and asked to comment. My comment seemed to cause an argument.

Basically, the problem was that certain players were being rested for this ODI. People in Perth were unhappy because they had bought tickets but would not be seeing Brett Lee, Shane Watson or Michael Clarke. They felt they were being shortchanged.

My comment was this:

We've already won this series. This match is not as important as the world cup, which is weeks away. Clarke and Watson have been playing almost non-stop since October, let them have a rest.

I didn't comment on Brett Lee because I was under the impression he would be playing. If I had commented on him, it would have been along the lines of "he has a tendency to get injured; let's keep him in one piece for the world cup".

Some poor sod agreed with me and took some crap and some swearing from the Perth contingent. I dipped out, incidentally. I couldn't be bothered. Thank you Matt Barton.

Bearing in mind that hindsight is a wonderful thing, here are my extended thoughts on the matter:

See above on Pup and Twatto
See above on Brett Lee
England had no idea how to play on the oddball WACA pitch during the Ashes, there was every chance they hadn't done their homework yet again and we wouldn't need Watson
It's possible that Clarke has no idea how to play on the oddball WACA pitch, why allow it to crush his new found confidence right before the world cup? And finally ...
It's the 7th match of a 7 match series; there was every chance from the first that it was going to be a dead rubber - if you didn't know that when you bought your tickets, you're a fucking idiot.

Temptation to write that last point was very strong, as I'm sure you can imagine, but I refrained and let poor Matty Barton take my shit for me. It really was one of those stupid, facebook arguments that wastes everyone's time.

I blame Shane Watson.

Naturally.

Cricket Australia's Letter to Shane

2011-02-04T20:58:00.000Z

Dear Shane,

It has come to our attention that many of the Australian fans think you should be our next test captain. Ponting is getting on, you know, so we need to consider our future options. You are probably aware, however, that our eye has been on Pup for the position in question for quite some time, but we would be willing to reconsider if you fit the bill.

No, really - it doesn't matter if we get it completely wrong, we're fucking untouchable.

Here are our general requirements for test captain:

You must date a bimbo model. More than one during your playing career would be best, to be honest, and you should let your personal life take over as often as possible.
You must do your best to be arsey with umpires and opponents at all times. Don't be afraid to call people cheats when the team is losing. And take all credit for a win, even if you make completely the wrong call at the toss.
You must be willing to always bat first if you win the toss. We don't know why, we just like the idea.
You must have no idea what to do with spinners. This is an absolute must for a test captain.
We like our captains to chew gum loudly and with as little grace as possible while in the field and a willingness to develop grumpy yet humorous facial expressions is preferred.
Finally, are you likely to lose all ability to bat and/or bowl when you become captain because of the pressures and because you're just not very smart? If so, this may be the job for you.

If you think you are suited to the post, please send us an 8x10 portrait of you with your shirt off (that's for Merv. He just likes it.) and a hand drawn picture of you holding the Ashes (this won't make a difference, we've just forgotten what an Aussie looks like while holding the Ashes).

And feel free to send gifts.

Love Andrew Hilditch and the selection panel
xxx

Cricket Australia - because we can!

Sledging we can handle, cheating we can do without #2

2011-02-02T17:45:00.000Z

Remember this?

I wonder if the "c" word will come out over this:

Of course, there was probably desperation at play. We were starting to look damn good in a run chase for an enormous total and even I had a little mock when Johnson came out before Pup. But it's no excuse, desperate or not, Matty - what the hell were you thinking?

Sledging Kevin Pietersen

2011-02-01T17:00:00.000Z

So I was having a browse through some pictures of the 5th ODI, as you do when your team finally bloody wins something, and I came across this picture:

The caption below said this:

An Australian fan verbally abuses Kevin Pietersen of England during game four of the Commonwealth Bank One Day International Series between Australia and England at The Gabba on January 30, 2011 in Brisbane, Australia.

Now, as it happens, I was sitting next to this young man (at game 5 it was, I believe) and heard everything that was said. I feel the need to defend him. What he actually said was this:

Hey, Kevo - I think you're sweet like a big, brown teddy bear. I also admire you a great deal because you can play cricket better than me. I bet your middle finger is also longer than mine. Can we go for muffins and check?

See, absolutely nothing abusive there at all. I really hate it when the media behaves like a bunch of arseholes about stuff like this.

Video evidence that Brett Lee can fly.

2011-01-31T16:00:00.002Z

It's just a pity he can't walk a lot of the time.

My Letter to Shane

2011-01-30T15:10:00.001Z

Saturday 29th January, 2011

Dear Shane,
.
We have a little problem, you and I. You see, I want to keep being mean to you but when I do nobody comments on my blog posts. This, I assume, is because you got all good with the ball as well as the bat. Bastard. And this single handedly saving our arse business - that's not really working for me. It's not that I don't want us to win, but it would be nice if others could contribute. This way, I can make fun of you and people won't think I'm being an ungrateful bitch.

Can you sort that for me? Please? In particular, if you manage getting Pup to bat better, I promise not to boo so loudly when he walks out to the middle. And that Hastings guy - I'm still not sure who he is but feed him some spinach or something, would you?

If you must get wickets, Shane, please can you jump like Brett when you do? Because that would be cool.

From Sid
x

P.S. Yes, yes - I'll send that pop-up book, but you have to promise to share it with Stevie. Ok?

What if, what if, what if?

2011-01-26T16:58:00.000Z

What if Twatto had batted just a little bit longer?

What if Haddin had, too?

What if Collingwood was less ginger?

What if Stevie Smith had got a half century?

What if Dussey was an even ~~better~~ more flukey bowler?

What if Trott had eaten the dodgy prawn curry I gave him last night?

What if Shaun Marsh wasn't just a flash in the pan?

What if My Lord didn't have a dicky shoulder?

What if Dougie had more hair?

What if I had married a Canadian, didn't bite my fingernails? had better penmanship?

Ah well, 299 was a mighty score to chase down and we gave it a bloody good try. At least we didn't have a major batting collapse (you know, like we did throughout the Ashes). And at least we're still 2 up.

Or so I will tell myself for the next couple of days, anyway.

More Hussey than England can Handle.

2011-01-23T12:09:00.000Z

Right, Hads, pick me up and throw me ... you fuckin' beauty!

Jeez, Shane, take a valium or something, buddy. Your hair is scaring me.

Later, Shaney, you and me will do some snuggling.

Now, if I remember what Ritz taught me, this is a ball. Yeah, it is! It's a ball. Sweet.

No idea who you are, mate, but you're white and wearing green, so let's play that hand clappy game from primary school. Lalalala.

But, it's the wrong Hussey. What's going on? I don't get it ... I'm hurt and confused.

Somehow, this is all Twatto's fault. I think we should play the pizza joke on him again.

All right! The pizzas are here! Did you get garlic bread? And coke?

Hey, that's not right. I asked for the one with extra olives. Dussey's full of shit - he wanted anchovies. Pup!

I wanted extra olives as well. Nobody listens to me, just because I'm the new boy. Pup, have words would you?

Fuckin' sweet, Twatto fell for it! Of course you've got olives, you stupid bastard. You fall for it every time.

Yes, I've got chilli chicken on mine, Johnno! Oooh, and we won. Eat that, Mike!

That other West Aussie ...

2011-01-21T09:18:00.000Z

His name isn't Hussey,
we don't hear about him much;
but when he plays for WA
He impresses just a touch.

He's hoping to go to India
and help defend the cup;
I hope he gets a chance
He's certainly much better than Pup.

So he came into our one day side
just when we were feeling low;
And showed the selectors what he's worth
while the Twatto love took a blow.

We adore our Mussey
particularly when he's fit;
We especially adore him
when he's stopping Australia from being shit.

But with the world cup beckoning
and the hamstring pulling,
We might need someone else
Since selectors don't plan on culling.

Mr Marsh, Mr Marsh
will you please be our man?
Unless, of course, King Mussey's back
because then you'll get the can.

A Postcard from Usman

2011-01-20T09:46:00.000Z

Dear Mum,

Arrived safely in Derby. There's nothing here. It's a one-starbucks-town, which sucks, and I hear it rains a lot. Now I know why Simon Katich left the DCCC after one season. I just hope Middlesex notice me and I can go play at Lord's with Chris Rogers, too.

Love Usmy

xxx

P.S. I hear the Central library used to be great but now the Aussie girl there has been made redundant it has gone downhill. I might give it a miss.

The Shane Watson XI for the World Cup

2011-01-18T13:27:00.000Z

OK, there's more than eleven but that sounded right. Here's the team to take on the world.

And lose:

Shane "stand back boys, I can win this fucker on my own" Watson
Brad "Why the hell is T-Paine coming? Oh right, because I might abuse the locals. Fair enough" Haddin (wk)
Ricky "my little finger still hurts but Pup is movin' on in" Ponting (capt)
Michael "I gave up my T20 captaincy to take on this lot, what do I have to do to become captain already?" Clarke
Michael "I hope I can walk by then" Hussey
David "I hope I haven't forgotten how to spin" Hussey
Cameron "can bat, can bowl, can fucking captain your T20 butts off - what? This is a one day side? Oh dear." White
Tim "can't believe my spindly little upper body pulled off a 6 at the MCG. I rock!" Paine (wk)
Steven "I could use getting my shit together with the ball. Things are bad when X is making me look good" Smith
John "I'm kicking arse for the Bloody Vics, so give me a chance" Hastings
Mitchell "which do I like better? no-balls or wides? I don't know so I'll bowl them both. A lot." Johnson
Nathan "about fucking time you traitorous bastards - I bled for you!" Hauritz
Brett "holder of the St John Ambulance award for the most sports injuries ever" Lee
Shaun "stand back, Binga, I'm coming for that award" Tait
Doug "I could be overrated; I could be bald - you'll just have to wait and see" Bollinger

They just couldn't bring themselves to pick a side without a newby in it, or almost newby in this case, or without Mussey in it. I'd like to have seen Harris in the side and James Hopes, but sometimes you just have to go with the most injured side you can pull together don't you?

The most heartwarming thing is that Hilbitch thinks it is the best team and that's all we need to inspire confidence.

Shane Watson's Fairy Godmother

2011-01-16T11:47:00.000Z

Somewhere in Adelaide, on Tuesday night, a big blonde headed monkey sleeps in his Don Bradman pyjamas ... and then a light appears ...

... he wakes ... a lady with wings and a wand is standing over him ...

"Shane, Shane ... this is your fairy godmother speaking. You will wake up tomorrow and you will say to yourself I am sick of Australia being England's bunny. And hence, you will go tomorrow to the T20 match and you will kick some English butt. And you will go to Melbourne and do it again and again and somewhere in there Australia will actually win something ... allrighty?

Oh, and don't let the rest of the team in on the plan, because that would make things too easy."

She turns to fly through the window, then stops and speaks again:

"And you should let some stubble grow. I hear it looks sexy. Cheerio."

And in a puff of smoke, lo she was gone.

Shane cried in fear and Cameron had to bring him some hot chocolate and a teddy bear to calm him down. But at least he did as he was told.

Some information leaked to me by a friend in the Cricket Australia post room

2011-01-15T11:52:00.000Z

Could it be true? Do my eyes deceive me?

2011-01-14T17:18:00.001Z

I know it's taken me a while to post, but the truth is that between trying to work out who the hell Aaron Finch is and digesting the unlikely piece of information that Australia won something, I'm speechless.

Or typeless ... or something.

It's also difficult stomaching this new admiration of Twatto. Can someone make a joke about him, please? Quickly?

One thing I have decided, though: I like T20. You just never know what's going to happen. The first one was just fantastic. It had me on the edge of my seat. Today, I checked the score and we were something awful like 80-5 so I went to the gym.

Mistake. Big mistake.

So, we won something. I'll need to trade on this for a while, though, because I suspect another win is months away.

T20 #1: Watson v. England

2011-01-12T12:09:00.000Z

Adelaide, January 12th 2011, 8.30am GMT

In a series of events that has stumped even the most ardent Aussie cricket supporter, Shane Watson showed up to take on Collingwood's England entirely on his own. The rest of the Aussies relaxed in the dugout with misplaced confidence as they watch Watson bat. They then wandered about the field, occasionally stopping to wave collection buckets at the crowds (Mitch needs a tattoo removal), while Watson and his strangely sexy stubble bowled.

The match went down to the wire and unfortunately it was not to be for Watson, as England finally won by only one wicket.

So what went wrong for Watson today? Most likely, England won because they have more than one batsman and more than one bowler. Watson has ... well, Watson.

I spoke to the man himself right after the match tonight and suggested he write to Andrew Hilditch asking that next time they send out more than one player. Sadly, Watson is illiterate so he won't be taking my advice.

Lord Nate Returns (and a couple of other things)

2011-01-11T15:44:00.000Z

Lord Nate is back - not with the baggy green, though (which I recently bought on ebay, incidentally. It was bargain and he assures me any proceeds will be going charity). And actually, not necessarily at all. He has been picked in the squad to face England in the ODIs, but so have Doherty and Smith so who the hell knows?

Brett Lee has also been picked, which is interesting. I imagine he'll actually get a game. I hope so anyway.

Here is the squad: Shane Watson, Brad Haddin (wk), Michael Clarke (capt), Cameron White, David Hussey, Michael Hussey, Steven Smith, Mitchell Johnson, Nathan Hauritz, Brett Lee, Xavier Doherty, Peter Siddle, Shaun Tait, Doug Bollinger.

In other news, White gets to try his luck as T20 captain against England tomorrow morning (my time) and Hilditch has announced that he won't fuck off unless he is sacked. God help Australian cricket.

And finally, in a great example of complete internet stupidity, a girl from the USA who did nothing more than join Twitter and call herself @theashes, was given free tickets to Australia, an interview on a blog or two and now has a video on Cricinfo. I am not giving a link. There is no justice in the world.

I am also going to stop following her on Twitter.

That'll show her.

An Ode to Ashes Humiliation

2011-01-08T20:48:00.000Z

They came down under
with confidence brimming;
But on our home ground we felt
their egos we'd soon be trimming.

The start went well
in old Brisbane town;
except Mitch's bowling
caused more than one frown.

Then all turned bad
thanks to eye makeup man;
we had to settle for evens
and Mitchy got the can.

The city of churches
was ours for the taking;
but their batsmen again
left us in our boots quaking.

We forgot to use the bat
we forgot how to bowl;
We laid ourselves right down
so that over us they could roll.

Then to Sid's home town
and the turf of Mr Cricket;
and finally the local Aussies felt
they hadn't wasted their cash on a ticket.

Mitchy returned with a mighty bang
and the Muss was truly a king;
every other batter was pretty damn poor
but this was now a regular thing.

If boxing day test history
was any way to tell;
We should easily take the fourth test
and send the poms back to hell.

But relying on history
is not always the best thing;
occasionally we also need to play
if we want to pull a win.

Sadly, it was not to be,
for my christ but did we fall apart;
twas truly a sorry, sorry sight
and broke many an Aussie fan's heart.

Ponting took a break
after briefly viewing the little urn;
he pretended his finger was sore
so that on Pup the media could turn.

A win at Sydney might just help,
it would even things up at least;
but we batted as bad as usual
and only Mitch was a bowling beast.

And so it was over,
the humiliating defeat was done;
and Strauss joined the few captains
who came to Oz and left with the Ashes won.

So now what do we do?
We've surely hit rock bottom;
If only we could lose old Hilditch,
but those plagues of denial - he's got 'em.

My days go on in this,
the land of little urn theft;
and when it comes to writing
I feel, of inspiration, quite bereft.

So bear with me, people
as I prepare for the shorter over game;
for good god I truly hope
that our batting won't stay the same.

And please, please bring back My Lord.

Is it over, yet?

2011-01-07T07:48:00.000Z

Can I finally stick my head out of my cocoon?

And as it happens, I don't think My Lord would've made any difference to the result. The batting was still fairly shit. Dammit.

If I have to hear about the fucking sprinkler dance one more time, I'll scream. I'm not quite sure what everyone thinks is so clever about imitating a piece of equipment designed to water grass.

Quoting Peter English (cricinfo): "Despite admitting they were out-bowled, out-batted and out-thought, Cricket Australia's top employees can't bring themselves to say they are in a crisis. Or apportion any blame for a summer filled with disasters. It would be funny if it wasn't so serious". It doesn't sound like those changes we were hoping for are actually going to happen.

Anyway, I was planning on some poetry but I'm feeling a bit creatively dry this morning. I can't think why that might be.

Sledging we can handle, cheating we can do without

2011-01-05T09:43:00.001Z

Well, it seems that (when Australia win at least) you can't handle sledging either, but selective memory is a gem.

I don't have much to say today, really. The highlights showed an Australia that has clearly lost faith. The body language was horrible. The feeling was so bad, it even had Shane Watson swearing. Which was actually a bit funny, because I didn't even know he knew such language. He is probably whipping himself with his pink skipping rope as I write.

I was a bit stunned by the crowd boo-ing Ian Bell, but when you compare it to this I think a few boos are justified.

Sydney, Day 2 as it happened (according to me)

2011-01-04T10:01:00.000Z

Steve Smith - 18 runs, didn't bowl
Michael Beer - 0 for 26 including one no-ball that might have made a big difference

Just sayin'

Disclaimer: Beer actually did ok, his first over was pretty good, but that doesn't suit me so I'm ignoring it. It's my blog and I can.

Getting it in first ...

2011-01-02T14:00:00.001Z

... if Hauritz had played, we would've won the last test.

You heard it here first.

The Real Reason Swann is Not on my Gits of 2010 list

2011-01-01T10:19:00.001Z

I said it was because I've been harsh to him all year and thought he deserved a break; I was thinking that he was one of only three people (myself and Shane Warne being the other two) who were disappointed when Hauritz was dropped but, in truth, it's because of this:

Hauritz snub good for England - Swann

Actually, that's rubbish because I have only just been given this article. It still has me rethinking my dislike of Swann, though.

And now I'm off to bathe in boiling water and bleach.

The expected New Year post

2010-12-31T11:10:00.000Z

This is the time when we are all supposed to write a post telling you all about one of the following:

New blogs that appeared in 2010
my favourite blogs of 2010 OR
my favourite blog posts of 2010

But that would imply I like one or two of you, and I don't want to lure you all into a false sense of security like that.

So, instead, here is the Gits of 2010 honour roll - 5 players selected from a huge cast of potentials:

Stuart Broad for the "was he/wasn't he?" ball tampering scandal and for running to Daddy to get him out of trouble.

Andrew Hilditch for ... where to begin? Maybe we should think of the reasons he isn't a git, because that would be quicker.

Nope, got nothing.

Sachin Tendulkar - just because it will piss people off to have him on this list.

Zulquy Haider - for trying to move to the UK when Australia is so much nicer.

AND ...

Xavier Doherty - for not being My Lord.

Oh, come on! That was predictable, wasn't it?

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

The Finger of Ponting #2

2010-12-30T10:50:00.001Z

Dear Pup,

My pinkie is giving me jip, please be captain instead of me in Sydney. Please? Everyone has been mean to me and they want me to quit and I'm all hurt and confused and very pissed off at all of you bastards for not batting better ... and I don't want to play.

You're not to get any ideas of staying on as captain, though, Sunshine. I'll be back. I think I should just let the dust settle a bit on the Ashes, and let you take the crap if we lose at Sydney as well. Remind everyone that losing this series wasn't just my doing. Then, when they hate you more than they hate me, I'll step back up and start kicking arse again.

But, for now, my pinkie hurts. Please be captain at Sydney for me?

Love and kisses,

Rick
x

P.S. Try not to win and ruin my plan, eh?

Operation ... blah blah bliddy blah

2010-12-29T12:36:00.000Z

Well, it is done. Can't say I'm in the mood for humour or dissection of what happened, but the time will come. Suffice it to say, we were totally outplayed.

So, what now? Do we have a total overhaul? Is it that the selectors are going with the wrong players for the wrong reasons or is Australia just having a talent drought lately?

What do you think?

Us playing awful, of course, is not to take away from England. They were on form in most areas and stumbled only on a pitch that they weren't used to. They deserve credit all round. It's not easy to come down under and emerge victorious, especially with hundreds of drunk blokes swearing at you. Only a few England captains have done it.

So, well done England. A victory well deserved.

P.S. I have already been told I have sour grapes for daring to say England's fielding was poor on occasion (after spending 15 minutes saying that England deserved the win and that we were generally rubbish, especially our batting). So: England were perfect, they did everything exactly right and made absolutely no mistakes at all.

Happy?

Me, either.

Operation Can't Bat, Can't Bowl, Oh My God this is Humiliating - Day 3

2010-12-28T09:34:00.000Z

Mission's bowling operatives have continued to be marginally better than previously.
Mission's batting operatives stepped up and played only slightly better than previously.

Agents Johns and Hads are still at the plate, so a fight may yet ensue.

Computer suspects it will only delay the inevitable.

Mission status - requiring 246 runs to make opposition bat again.
Oppostion status - need only to take 4 wickets for a victory.

Big fat buggery bollocks.

Is it too late to pray for two days of rain?

Report ends.

Operation Can't Bat, Can't Bowl, Oh My God this is Humiliating - Day 2

2010-12-27T10:49:00.002Z

So, you've just become the least successful Australian Ashes captain ever, have you?

Now it's important you control your temper!
An information leaflet with a few ideas

Included inside are such tips as:

Know how to set your field
Choose bowlers that can actually bowl
Learn how to inspire your team
Don't yell at others when things don't go your way

and, most helpfully:

Try to avoid becoming the least successful Australia Ashes captain ever

I'm sure Ponting will find this leaflet useful.

Leaflet kindly produced by Ponting Pisstake Productions.

Operation Ashes Retrieval ...

2010-12-26T09:10:00.000Z

... is pretty much dead in the water.

Operation Can't Bat, Can't Bowl, Oh My God this is Humiliating is alive and kicking, though.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have divorce papers drawn up.

Mission ends
Mission big fat fail

The Finger of Ponting

2010-12-25T20:57:00.001Z

It seems it's official that Ricky Ponting will play the 4th Ashes test at the MCG.

According to Crapinfo, he batted in the nets today "without any apparent discomfort".

I imagine any pain is likely to appear only after batting for more than 30 minutes or so.

This means Punter will be fine.

All I want for Christmas ...

2010-12-24T09:59:00.001Z

... is my fucking baggy green cap back!

Although I may sell it if you piss me off again ...

Phil Hughes - The Call Up and other stories

2010-12-22T12:00:00.001Z

Cool! Katich is injured, I might get called up. Just kidding, they're obviously going to go with someone better. Last year, I was replaced with Twatto, for heaven's sakes!

Yeah right - you want me to open with Twatto! Brilliant joke. Pull the other one mate.

What? You're serious? But I'm rubbish ... oh shit.

Told ya ...

Swann's lack of personality and other stuff that happened recently

2010-12-21T09:33:00.000Z

Australia won a test.

Shane Warne and Liz Hurley had some sort of scam relationship. A more mismatched couple there never was - does anyone really believe this was more than some sort of publicity stunt?

Usman Khawaja had Lord Nathan hold Punter down so he could jump on his finger a few times. As a result, Punter has a broken finger and may have to miss the boxing day test.

Australia won the third Ashes test.

Tendulkar did something big again. I'm Australian; the Ashes is on - how was I supposed to notice?

Lots of fans are calling for the return of Hauritz, which is interesting since only about three of us thought dropping him was a mistake when it happened. If he comes back for Sydney and kicks English arse, I plan to get really obnoxious. Consider yourselves warned.

Australia did something they haven't done in a while and won a test match. Just in case you missed it.

Ian Chappell thinks Ricky Ponting's captaincy is bad for Australia and cites Haddin as the only viable replacement. I've considered Hads, but I'm not sure he wouldn't abuse ~~Asian batsmen~~ ~~black batsmen~~ ~~Poms~~ everyone as soon as things aren't going his way.

Graeme Swann didn't win BBC Sports Personality of the Year. Thank Nate for that. He's such a git.

Geoffrey Boycott stated the obvious.

And, you might want to be seated for this, Australia managed to win something. It's cause for excitement, because it doesn't happen too often these days.

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 14 of 25

2010-12-19T10:57:00.000Z

Mission continued.
Mission successful.
Opposition bye-byes for 123. So sad.

Agent Ry a bit good.
Agent Johns also fabulous.

... and as the crowd dispersed from the WACA, Aussie flags rippling in the hands of the Fremantle Doctor, this man was seen leaving the ground in his own special way:

Report ends.

P.S. thanks to Jesskimoo, whose pyjama tweet inspired this, and to my son Tom, who helped me fight with the Gimp.

And thanks to Mike Hussey for being my hero.

Operation Ashes Retrieval - Day 13 of 25

2010-12-18T10:32:00.001Z

Operation continues

Agent Muss kicked opposition butts (again)
Agent Twat did good but is still unable to amass three figures.
Agent Smith was not bad and at least better than former Agent N (not difficult)

Opposition status - shite

Is computer jinxing things to say we might just win this one?

Report ends.